Help me, I am drowning...

[Susanne]

I've been reading some of this and hope you don't mind me chimining in.

 

My heart breaks for you, buba. I know that heart pain is the worst pain of all.

 

When you said this:

 

I am even embarrassed to admit that my mothers death 2 months ago didn't hurt as much as this. Cause I know, she is in a good place now and there is no hatred...

 

I could really relate. I have been lied to and betrayed by my husband and I have a son that had Leukemia and it was a hard journey. But, I have always said that the pain of that paled in comparison to the pain my husband caused me because that pain was avoidable. The Leukemia was not. My husband made a choice to betray me and that is what hurts so much.

 

After what I've read I really do hope you will find the strength to move on. The best choices are not always the easy choices, but I do believe you will be better off without him.

 

Hang in there. You CAN do it and you WILL be ok.

[Rainz]

I am even embarrassed to admit that my mothers death 2 months ago didn't hurt as much as this. Cause I know, she is in a good place now and there is no hatred...

 

Wow, I too was reading through this and could really relate to this part. Though I'm not going through a divorce I'm trying so hard to recover from a break up 6 weeks ago. I usually practice strict NC, with this break up I've not been successful.

 

I'm here at working trying to "not thinkt about it" the hurt, the pain everything and I thought even the recent family berevements that I went through were not as hard as this break up that I'm going through.

 

I think it's because with the bereavments as much as the loss hurts, it's final and you weren't left rejected and doubting yourself and questioning everything, it's a different degree of loss.

 

Your story touched me Buba and I just hope that you're hanging in there right now. I can't be much more positive than that right now as I'm really struggling myself and I'm usually one of those "strong" sorts who deal with these kind of things really well.

This time around I'm almost allowing myself to be a bit weak. I just tell myself one day at a time.

[Diggitydave]

something my dad told me

 

"be thankful God doesn't answer all your prayers and give you what you want all the time"

[rangerider]

Hey Buba,

 

You were a great help to me when I needed support. A little advice. Stop obsessing over your ex. It's done. He was a complete loser.

Please get on with your life.

Did you get your psychology masters?

[searching1951]

You are in a melt down. DO NOT DRINK. Alcohol is a depressant and it will make you very depressed tomorrow and this will be much worse. Don't smoke. Nicotine is as addictive as heroin, and it will give you severe anxiety for several days. Your first problem is stabilzing yourself. With the pain you are going through this will be difficult. Can you get out and start walking? Walk (better, run) as long as hard and as far as you can... walk this stuff off..exercise it off..mow a lawn..ride a bike swim..at this moment your ability to stabilize your brain depends upon it..get your innate endorphins up.

 

NOW: Tow of my best friends were married, divorced 10 years ago, and now are constantly dating, and effectively remarried. It can happen. Your sig other is an immature mommy's boy, as you know, and he cannot accept responsibility. But you can return to your dating relationship. he is asking you to remove the responsibilities, etc. and return to that becasue he is half married to mommy. I think, for now, you should just go with that thought. Get stabilized. Then start doing some serious thinking.

 

You are not ready now for serious thinking. Yes you are codependent bigtime

(go to link removed and start reading). Over time you will work out whether this makes any sense. But trying that now would be like reroofing the barn in a hurricane.

 

If you are really really bad..suicidal, etc. go check yourself in to a hospital/hospice. Call some help lines. Get in motion babe.

[buba]

Here I am again...

After a long while of not posting...

It's been over a year and a half since my husband left me.

5 months since our divorce was final...

God! I am finally free from this pain!

I enjoy my life and the people in it now...

No crazymaking, no emotional abuse, no control!

I am so free!

Never thought I will be at this place! I met someone...

He is beautiful. He is everything that my ex wasn't. And he treats me with such respect...

I was broken, depressed, suicidal...

I thought that I will never recover from this pain.

I am glad that he left me...my life is so much better without him.

I guess, karma works in misterious ways...

I am recieving threatening calls from a private number every couple of days lately. It's a female. She calls me degrading names (his language) and hangs up on me...

Damn! I guess he drove someone else insane! Soooo glad it's not me!

Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I've come a long way...

Awareness brings change!

[rangerider]

Congratulations Buba. So glad to hear you've finally "turned the corner" and put the past behind. Best wishes for a great new life.

You should be very proud of yourself. You have come far.

After 1 year plus since my breakup with ex fiance', I come back to this forum occasionally to try and give support to those in need during difficult times. We make it thru the nightmare if we persevere and stay strong.

Thanks again for your support when I needed it most. You were the first to say PM you if needed.

Good luck with all future relationships and endeavors. You're obviously a very caring person. It's wonderful you've found someone special that treats you the way you deserve.

[Hope75]

Buba!

 

What a wonderful, positive post!

 

I can't tell you how happy I was to read this... to see that you are finally free, and out there, and happy again, and finding yourself dating and enjoyinf life.

 

Keep us updated, I am thrilled for you!!

 

((HUGS))

 

Hopeimage removed

[melrich]

That is great news Buba and I'm so glad you found the time to come back and tell us.

[CHINOOKA]

The first three years of marriage are the toughest I have been told. Because during that time people are adjusting to the new life. How much can you get away with? what will your mate tolerate, and how much will you take? people push and pull, set boundaries, cross boundaries and go to war over things that seem trivial. But if you stick it out, and be as gentle as you can with it, it gets better.

[Hope75]

The first three years of marriage are the toughest I have been told. Because during that time people are adjusting to the new life. How much can you get away with? what will your mate tolerate, and how much will you take? people push and pull, set boundaries, cross boundaries and go to war over things that seem trivial. But if you stick it out, and be as gentle as you can with it, it gets better.

 

She actually did the absolute right thing in getting a divorce 5 months ago- which you can see if you read her thread.....

 

Buba, I am so proud of you!

[buba]

Just wanted to come back here for some comfort...

Two years since he left me, 10 months since our divorce was final.

I managed to survive...somehow...was hard.

Still have those days when I am hunted by memories and regrets.

Still not in a serious relationship with anyone, still not ready.

Met someone new, liked him a lot( thank God!), but it didn't work out after he declared to me recently that he is not looking for a relationship...just sex, heheh...

It was another kick in the teeth, cause I really like the guy. Should I at least be glad that he completely took my mind off my ex?

Should I play his game? This is the first time in two years that I am really attracted to someone, lol...wrong person again!

I am almost done with my post grad. degree(went back to school after he damped me, it's a good thing I guess), but this emptiness, this void, aaaaaah...I am reliving it again...

Should I stop letting him use me?

[blender]

Buba, yes, stop, be on your own, don't repeat "your pattern" unless you want to start your "self work" all over again... we get the same lessons in life over and over again until we are WILLING to learn to make different choices.

 

It's so normal that you rebounded into another "not right for you" type of situation... being with this new guy may give you some momentary comfort, but now that he's been clear on what it means for him (just sex) and you have found that you "really want more and really like him"... well that is like speaking two different languages and hoping, dreaming, thinking that the other person is "clear" and will give you want you are asking for... he won't, he can't.

 

So you might want to take this time to reflect and say, "why am I choosing an unavailable man?" Is it because you rather live in "hope" than in "reality" and the effort, hard work, mature, loyal, committed, kind, respectful love requires? YOU deserve to have a more fulfilling relationship at some point, that is what you want right?

 

It starts by taking the time to not only be on your own, but to get to a place where you are making a choice to "happy" with who YOU are, and then you can meet someone else who also has thier own "happiness" and the two of you can share it, in a sexy, mature, sincere, respectful, emotionally healthy way.

 

You deserve this happiness, but it takes some self work. Falling for someone else and expecting to get our "happiness" from them is a lose-lose situation. Love is about being happy on your own and wanting to "share" your happiness with another, not attain it from them.

 

So although it might be fun to be with this new guy, take it for what it was worth, an experience, a bridge to help you get over your ex, gain some perspective and now that this guy has been clear on the "casual, meaningless sex" well, it's time for you to set a personal standard for yourself and say to him: "I'm going to miss you, but this type of arrangement doesn't work for me, I tried it, but I'm the type of woman who wants more than this, so "we" are not working for me, and I don't have any interest in continuing to be "sex buddies" it's not my style".

 

I fell for the "wrong kind of guy" after my divorce, it was painful but thank god, I had the self respect to let go, move on from him quickly...

 

Once you set this standard for yourself, and you move on to being okay on your own, and happy on your own, and setting some emotional boundaries for your own heart, it will lead to a wonderful love.. your self respect and standards will be a VERY ATTRACTIVE quality to the RIGHT KIND OF MAN.

 

You can put an end to your feeling, "this emptiness, this void, this reliving it again" by making a choice to change YOUR behaviors, choices, and set some standards/values for yourself, your precious heart, your body...

 

You've been through so much, you have class, courage, integrity, start living within these great qualities, and the miracle of happiness will be yours... it just will.

 

You already have all you need in your own heart.. trust it, you have been through so much, be proud, have the courage to be on your own, and walk away from " the sex guy"... it will not make you "feel better, or grow any more" if you choose to "stay in this situation"... it will leave you feeling like you're starting all over again.. but the FACT is you're not, you've come so far.. you can "see clearly" that this new guy is the "wrong, unavailable" type, so make a choice to move on..quickly.. you deserve better, start behaving as if you do... because YOU do...

[buba]

Oh, blender,

Thank you so very much for taking the time to respond.

You're absolutely right....I was just looking for exuses not to be alone.

I will stop seing him and giving him that Power. I'd rather be alone and "deal with me".

Your post is such tremendous help, I'll have to come back and read it often in order to get stronger....

[buba]

I just wrote him an email stating that "sex buddies" thing is not going to work for me and wished him well...

I am sad, but it's for the better. Can't afford to go through another heartbreak. My last one was way too BRUTAL.

[blender]

Good for you, feel empowered by making a choice to have a standard of self respect.. this will lead you to an authentic love.

 

Now you will experience and ebb and flow about missing this guy, but DO NOT let that discourage you, doing the "right" for your own life takes courage and it can seem difficult, but you will soon see your confidence will be restored, and you will be okay on your own, even better..

 

this is a precious opportunity for you to define yourself as someone you yourself can admire and be proud of...GOOD FOR YOU...YOU DID THE RIGHT THING...

 

YOU have CLASS, style, intergrity, and the courage to change an unhealthy pattern..

 

this guy was just a "bad habit" for you, and no matter how "comforting" a bad habit can be, it can eventually chip away at your self esteem until you can no longer see clearly.

 

So thank god YOU have made a choice to do the "self work" and step back and see this all as it is, and the negative long term effect it could have had on you..

 

you made a choice to step up and have the self respect and courage to set some standards/values for yourself, and now you will attract someone who will treat you the way you are starting to respectfully treat yourself..

 

Let us know how you are doing, remember, easy does it, one day at a tme, and be careful if this guy does respond in any way to your email, just "stop, wait, do not respond, think it through, and don't fall into the unhealthy pattern with him again.. easy does it...breathe, be empowered by your own sense of self...

[buba]

Blender, thank you so much again...

I am glad that I made that choice.

Even though I am writing this while crying, and was crying most of the day...I know that it was the right thing to do.

I don't know if there will be any response on his part, hopefully nothing rude or degrading...

Yes, you're right. I tend to follow the same pattern of choosing a "project", an anavailible man. It's what's familiar...(grew up with an abusive mom who died from alcoholism ten months ago). But I always believed that I can help her, heheh...it's exactly how I feel in my relationships...

It takes work to change the pattern. Hard work. I am willing to do the work. It's about time.

Sadness consumes me today. I liked him. Sad, cause people pretend to be so interested in you as a person, your inner world when in reality they only want one thing-sex.

[blender]

His behaving the way he does has NOTHIING to do with you, he's only been interested in the reflection of himself in your eyes....he's about "ego" "wants" and you are better off not falling into a pattern of trying to save him from himself.. he wil be going in circles of awhile.. and THANK GOD you are no longer accepting his clear position of "just friendly sex'..ugh..

 

He can't have one foot in and one foot out of a relationship, if you stay for that just remember the "relationship" in between those two feet, get's pee'd on....

 

don't let that happen to you.. move on.. cry, get past this, it takes time but it is sooo worth it..

 

Honestly think of the alternative, you continue to have contact with him and you lose a sense of yourself, and he loses all perspective on you as a self respecting worthwhile woman.. he's a loser, yes, that's right, I don't care how "perfect" he seems to you, any man who would want to just have a woman around for "friendly sex" lacks the emotional ability, strength and class to committ to anyone... not just you, but anyone...

 

Just the thought that you consider that he "might" hae a derogatory response to your emails speaks volumes to the type of character he lacks, and more importantly what you USED TO BE Willing TO PUT UP WITH... nope, he lost the honor of your company..heart, and grace...

 

This is a new you.....write, write, write, here, get it all out... I've been through it, know how you feel, and I've survived and thrived..

[buba]

Blender, I cried most of the day, it sort of set me back to the times when my ex-husband left me 2 years ago...

All of a sudden this "superwoman" in me turns into helpless 5year old child. I am a bit better now. Will try to get some rest...

He didn't respond to my e-mail.

[blender]

It's important to recognize that your loss right now IS tied up in the loss over your marriage, whenever we get disappointed in life, it brings up "old hurts" and it's okay to just cry, cry, cry, right now.. and don't worry about him not responding to your text, I'm sure it shocked him, (wow, she does have self respect and class, how can I keep up with that) and it's a true test of HIS character how he chooses to handle this.. and it's so REVEALING.

 

YOU are now setting a better and more self respecting standard for YOUR heart... although it is tough to do right now, this courage, and change in your "life pattern" will lead to wonderful things in your life..

 

this sad time, is the test of character, where you learn to stand up for yourself and let go of anyone who does not choose to "respect and acknowledge" YOU in a healthy, loving, kind, respectful way..

 

You can feel empowered that YOU took control of a situation that was leading to YOU losing YOURSELF.. and you made a wise and self respecting choice to "stop" and do things "differently" for a change... this guy was a road to nowhere...

 

and you are now FREE to learn to be okay on your own.. I know it hurts, ugh.. it hurts like hell,

 

I think I wept for almost a year after the break up of my "post divorce" love... it was like it all came crashing down on me, and I felt so alone..

 

Little did I know how much better off I was..once a therapist said to me, "this guy you are seeing is incapable of ever giving you what you want, sure you might be afraid to be alone, but the loneliness you will eventually feel by staying involved with this guy will be so much more painful..

 

but YOU having the courage to let go and be "alone" is the best opportunity for you to find YOURSELF and then and ONLY then can you build a healthy, respectful, two way street, loving, relationship with someone else..

 

So I made a choice to do what you have done, I set a boundary and said: "This relationship isn't working for me this way" (of course I hoped he would rise to the occasion) but nope he walked..well, he just never called again... and I was devastated..but empowered.. yep, because the only thing worse then the ex leaving, is staying in the relationship with him and "wondering when he will leave"...

 

I went strick no contact, and about eight months later, YES EIGHT..MONTHS later, he started to call and not leave a message, (this from a 45 yr old guy) and then he emailed a few times asking if we could "get together and talk"... I chose NOT to respond.. (and believe me I never thought I'd grow enough to have the strength and wisdom to do this, after all I was "waiting" to hear from him)

 

BUT, my time alone, my days of crying and realizing that I had to stop thinking, "how could he leave ME so easily?" I started to think in a more mature realistc way, and started to ask myself:

"Why would I ever be interested in a man who could leave anyone so easily?"

 

I knew going back to contact with him, was like walking on emotional quicksand for me.. so I never responded.. I had gained so much perspective, no longer giving him the power to validate me, or to make me feel this way or that.. I can choose how I feel, and be proud, okay, happy on my own, or with someone who shares the standards/values of my heart and thier own.

 

Being on my own, crying through it all, then finally making a CHOICE to be okay, and then smile...and I had regained my sense of self.. and I now "knew better"..

 

and I can't tell you how much I THOUGHT THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN FOR ME.. but it did, once you are able to step back and separate your "feelings" from the "facts' of the relationship, you can gain a more realistic perspective on what and who you "think" you lost... you can't fall in love with "potential" of what you "hope" will happen, we have to be "realistic and accepting" of who the authentic character a man reveals to you.. and this guy you were seeing, c'mon he wants to just be with you sexually???? Who the hell does he think he is? Adonis? Did your body turn to gold when he touched it.. ugh.. he's not worthy of you, your precious heart, mind, body...

 

No guy is worth losing yourself over..

 

With each day I felt stronger, and yes, there were days where I could barely get out of bed too.. but I learned that if I don't set some standards, values, boundaries on my own heart, then who else will?

 

You settting that boundary in your email was the RIGHT THING TO DO, no doubt about it..none...

 

he specifically told you he wanted to just "be in a sexual relationship" and YOU are worthy of so much more, and it starts by you knowing that, and having the self respect you do to send that email.. let it go now, feel good,

 

even in your disappointment know that YOU are on a healing path to greater things... the reward will be yours...

 

Keep writing here, we are all here for you, YOU are going to get through this....best, Blender

[buba]

Thanks Blender. Your story is such an inspiration.

 

"So I made a choice to do what you have done, I set a boundary and said: "This relationship isn't working for me this way" (of course I hoped he would rise to the occasion) but nope he walked..well, he just never called again... and I was devastated..but empowered.. yep, because the only thing worse then the ex leaving, is staying in the relationship with him and "wondering when he will leave"...

 

Heh, I guess we give them too much credit hoping that they would rise to the occasion...

Talked to my girlfriend last night...She said: "Why do you have to make everything so dramatic? Can't you be more patient and wait for this relationship to grow, for him to start seing all the good in you besdes just sexual part?"

No. I don't want to wait. He made a clear statement. I felt pretty small and it was enough for me...

And his ignorance after I set my boudaries proves me right.

Yes, I do miss him, but I can't afford to let him manipulate me. I barely recovered from my EX.

Seing a therapist today, hopefully it will make me a bit stronger.

And all those Holidays coming!!!!!!

I am up for a lonely times...

[blender]

I can understand "giving it time" IF you've only just gotten to know each other, been on only a few dates, intimate once or twice, and his "behavior, words and actions" were of a clear intention to "build a life together" but he has clearly stated what he "wants" from this...

 

your friend said, "wait for him to see the all the good in you"... sending your email about "what is right for you and what isn't" IS SHOWING THE GOOD IN YOU...

 

And besides, He already does see the good in you... BUT at this point in his life, he doesn't want to make the clear mature effort and committment to a meaninful relationship.. so does your friend suggest you "ignore" his clear statement and "pretend and hope and give of yourself, your precious body, your hopeful heart" and "wait" and hope he "changes"?

 

Why would he have to change? What would he gain? What did he stand to lose if he didn't change? Well now he knows, if he doesn't want to "rise to the occasion" then HE loses YOU. And all the good in you too.

 

He also now revealed what he's willing to do to honor you, or to have the class and respect of a kind, loving, mature, thoughtful man and at the very least respond to your email.. yet he hasn't.. can YOU see the "good" in HIM now?

 

Now you can use this valuable investment of your time to live in the "truth" and move on and take care of you, become a more independent you, and "attract" the right kind of man for you...

 

He's not willing to "give what is needed in a mature, loving, committed, through thick and thin love" right now to anyone probably, and that's the "not so good" FACT about him... and that's okay, he told you HIS truth, and now you told him YOURS... "this is not the type of relationship that is fulfilling for a confident, smart, mature, loving, self respecting woman".

 

Believe me, he already can see the "good in you".. but he'd have to be his "best" self in order to be in the honor of a relationship with you... perhaps that's just too much "self work" for him to do..and that's HIS truth. That's okay, but...

 

No need to stay with a guy who is only willing to give you "crumbs" when you really deserve the "whole cake".

 

When we stay in a relationship AFTER the guy has clearly stated what his intentions are, and those "intentions" do not match up with what we truly, honestly hope for... then the ONLY responsible and right thing to do, is to "state your honest intention" and let go... and that is what you are courageously and respectfully doing... hopefully your friend is respectful enough to encourage you for being so strong.

 

Who knows you may hear from him again, give it time, he has the opportunity now to acknowledge the "good in himself" and respond with class, intergrity and respect, no matter what his feelings are, he could at least acknowledge your email..(but I'm sure your intergrity and self respect is throwing him off a bit, it forces him to "look at himself" in all this) and if he chooses not to respond at all, then the "not so good" in him is revealed..

 

You can now feel empowered by the "good in you" to have the self respect and set some boundaries...

 

Take this time to discover more of the "good in you" on your own.. this will be the most attractive, and wonderful thing you can do for yourself..

 

Staying in a relationship "secretlly hoping the guy will discover" your goodness??? nope, he's had his chance, and the most important thing is that you see the "goodness" in yourself, and the "reality" of what he has made a CHOICE to offer.. they are totally two different things.. Again, "feelings" versus "facts".

 

All I can say is, "If he does not respect all the good in you by now after all the intamcy you have shared, then the goodness in you no longer needs to put energy into a campaign to convince someone to understand and appreciate you, it's his loss now, I admire your self respect, know that more "good" in you is now free to be revealed to the "right" kind of man".

 

No one is to blame here, it's no one's fault, he's not wrong or right..he's just been honest about where he stands, and you have had the maturity to reveal where you stand, and if the two do not match up, then you have done the right thing...

 

I hope you're doing well, and remember the holidays will pass, the sun comes up each day and there is hope for all your dreams to come true, because you are making a choice to change your "life pattern", let your self respect, standards and values be your guide.. this will lead on a path to the best life....and will attract people of the same respect, standards and values...

[buba]

Blender,I can't thank you enough for taking the time to help me through.

No, I never heard from him. Saw a therapist today, feel a bit better.

The funny thing is, when we met, he seemed to be so interested in me, was a good listener, even told me that he is afraid that I am going to break his heart, heh...Oh, he also kept on saying I will marry you one day".Basically, it was too good to be true (cause there were no truth)...

My therapist mentioned that I shouldn't be that naive...he seems to be a player. I trusted. Well, women like to hear all those nice things , don't they? It really angers me now to realise that it was nothing more than "his best behavior" mask. He really knows how to make a woman feel special...very generous with compliments.

I guess, I needed to learn this lesson. I don't think I'll hear from him again...

[blender]

I feel like this guy is exactly like my ex.. I don't think I've ever been with a man who said more beautiful things to me, and my sister is a therapist and I remember early on when my ex said what your ex did: "I'm afraid YOU"RE going to break my heart".. my sister said, that is a huge red flag... guys who say that are the ones who break the most hearts...when they fall so fast for you, the leave just as fast...

 

I too needed to hear all the wonderful things my ex said to me, I would dream about them after he was gone.. over and over again I'd think about his sincerety and love for me... but his "choices, actions, behavior" when I finally stated what was "important for me".. well he was gone... and that says so much more about him then it ever would about me..

 

And the same goes for you..

 

FYI, my ex did contact me again.. I think I already posted this to you..but he did, 8 months later...I actually think he got to a place where he thought.. "wow that great girl stood by what she said.. I wish I was worthy of that, maybe I'll try again".. but by then I had gained so much perspective on what he was actually emotionally capable of.. and I moved on..ugh.. it was so much hard self work, but you can do it...

 

And I do believe this guy will contact you again, not right away, but I can honestly say he will probably follow the "pattern" either way, it's time for you to keep getting stronger, so when he does resurface it doesn't send you reeling..

 

because he will resurface.. he's thinking about you, wondering.. thinking "heck she will contact me again".. then you won't, and he'll think some more.. let him go through the consequence of his own choice.. let it go.. let it go.. get back to yourself.. being YOU, finding YOU, be proud of your standard... great things ahead...

[buba]

Thanks Blender. Your responce makes so much sense. Your sister is right.

Something my therapist told me today: "when He was telling you that he is afraid that you're going to break his heart, he was only projecting what he was going to do to you"....we talked about red flags as well.

Somehow I don't think he will contact me agan...

And it's O.K.

At least I don't have to feel used or degraded any longer. Something good came out of it. I've learned my lesson and he helped me get over my ex-husband. I thought I never will.

Today my confusion sort of faded, I got some clarity.

I ended it right after he told me what he was looking for...I didn't wait for another year and it's a good thing, I guess... And the sadness?

It will pass....You're right, I do have to find MYSELF again...Oh, if I could only stop looking at his picture every day! How messed up is that?

Well, I do miss him and I wish it was different but it is what it is and I got to deal with reality...