Help me, I am drowning...

[Hope75]

Hi Buba,

 

I'm sorry you are having a tough night.

 

You know you are going to have those sometimes.... it's part of getting over someone. You will up and down days, and some will be worse than others.

 

The important thing is that you know this is all part of the normal process.

 

Did you suffer from depression before you met him? How about counselling, have you been going?

 

I think it would help you to talk some someone about how you feel (in person, I mean. )

 

Also, if it's really debilitating for you, you might consider medication, with the help of a therapist.

 

You are not crazy, it takes time, so give yourself that. You have alot of things going for you, and you are going to be OK.

[avman]

Well, it sounds to me like you still love him. And you know what? Thats ok.

 

Go ahead and admit to yourself that the love is there. You can't pick and choose who you love and who you don't. So accept the fact that you still have love in your heart for this person.

 

That does not mean that you two should be together. It just means you recognize the love that you have. Do not be mad at yourself. Do not try to purge the love. Just admit it.

 

Next, you'll have to work on forgiving him. This is really for your sake and not for his. As long as you keep holding on to that hurt, it has power over you and it won't let you move on. Take a long hard look at what happened. See that he is flawed and human. And then make peace with what happened and forgive him. This does not mean that you think what he did was ok. It just means that you will no longer allow his actions to nurse the hurt inside.

 

This takes time. A month is really not long at all. Stay the course and let it out. Crying is perfectly fine. It cleanses you from the inside out. Go ahead and cry.

 

You're gonna make it!

[buba]

Thank you guys for being there for me after all this time...

Avman, you're right. I still do love him despite all the horrible things he's done to me.

I guess, I feel sort of guilty for enclosing a police report along with my responce to his Divorce filing...

I felt really good about it for a while and now I think that it's sort of lame of me to do so. After all, no matter what, I still love him.

Our Divorce case is frozen, he does absolutely nothing to move forward.

I have no idea what he is doing.

it hurts.

[thisisnotanexit]

time wil heal your pain, just hang in there. you've done all the right things...the things that are best for YOU. You will make it through this, hang in there. we're here for you, always.

[eva1218]

Buba,

 

Avman is so so right.

 

Remember I was still so heartbroken few months ago...eventhough its getting much much better...and no more pain honestly(woo after a year)...

But I still love my ex. And only me would know how much.....probably as much as before. Just can't really admit that in fact....coz I have a bf now, he is so sweet... He brought me out from the darkest days in my life.

But the thing is, even I have moved on, but it doesn't mean I'm over my ex. I'm actually totally not over him....which I really can't control about..

I know how u feel......losing the love...., coz I know how I feel...and I still find myself understandable...coz I love him so much. How could I just cut everything out completely from my life? It just take time.....I'm going to take as long as it takes...hopefully not too long, I'll give it 2more years.

 

 

We are human being, I think its no big deal we are being like this...

soon u will reach days like mine.......found urself again, mostly happy, found someone else, in love again.....someone take good care of us.

Life sucks sometimes, but not all the time!

 

Buba, if u still feel that pain, that hurt...it is horrible...

but one day it will be gone...like mine, trust me.

 

 

You will be fine......be patient, take care.

 

Love,

Eva

[eva1218]

Buba,

 

Sometimes, it is just the feeling we have........we can't do anything......

We can only live with it.

But there are many ways to live with it.

 

Love,

Eva

[nebbish]

buba you did the right thing with the divorce papers. you're right too: what can he sue you for? the next time he says something like that, tell him-- in these words-- i invite that lawsuit.

 

love sucks. there's no getting around it. but just like people manage diabetes, you can manage losing this love. it's a shame you still love a loser like that but what can you do? carry on, press on.

 

whoever said better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all was wrong.

 

or as the song popular twenty years ago said, the owner of a lonely heart is much better than the owner of a broken heart.

 

not much help for you this time, but heopfully you'll think twice before gettign on this bus again.

[buba]

i had an O.K. week,a few weeks ago started seing someone who is very nice to me and is a great listener.

When we are together, I feel content and at piece. i never miss my EX around him.

He is everything my EX wasn't... Kind, respectful, curious, tactfull.

He doesn't abuse drugs, has a great job, has his own place to live(not living with mother, what a relief!)

Why is that when he is gone I sit in my room and still cry over my EX?

This sadness over lost love, I really believed he will change for me...

I was so wrong. I lost to marihuana, not even to another woman...

I don't wan't to do this any longer. I want to be happy again.

I don't like dating. I miss having a family, coming home to my husband, waking up next to him...

dating feels a bit strange. Starting all over. And he is an exellent guy, I really like him but I just can't stop missing my EX.

Will it ever end? Seems like no matter what I do, he just want set me free.

I am cursed or something.

But I am in complete N/C and it will stay this way, no matter how much it hurts me.

[Hope75]

Seems like no matter what I do, he just want set me free.

 

Hi Buba,

 

That is because you are the only one who can set yourself free. You know that dating someone else to "replace" your ex, or take those feeings away isn't going to work. If you enjoy spending time with this new guy, than go ahead and continue to see him and have some fun. However, if you are only spending time with him to take away the pain of missing your ex, that isn't fair to the new guy or to you.

 

Are you in counseling?

[brando]

buba,

 

Sometimes i think we choose to be where we are in life. I know i drove myself crazy over my ex as you are now, and i do identify with your situation. I thnk sometimes we /you have to make the decidon in your heart to let this go, let him go, it isnt always easy to do, but it is necessary. I dont like to be the one to tell you to remember all the bad things that had happened in that relationship, i dont find this effective or productive... but sometimes it is just what the doctor perscribes to get past your hurt, you seem to have already done this, and now youmay need to find it within yourself to let him go, let that relationship go.

 

Do you feel you deserved to be loved, and treated with respect, and listened to..? Sometimes our own thoughts can be destructive and limited to what each and everyone of us deserve out of life.

 

Forgive your ex, forgive yourself and maybe then you will find some peace. Your ex neednt have to hear you frgive him afterall it isnt for him it is for you.

 

I know you will get through this,, my last suggestion to you is to watch your thoughts..and as soon as you start to think about the ex tell your self to stop, or tell youself you are here now, not their anylonger.

 

I think it all comes down to living in th present moment, not dwelling on the past...and also looking towards the future... it is so easy to look back with regret, or what ifs, but it is unproductive to dwell. Ive done this so i am speaking from my expereinces.

 

I wish you al the best and all the successs you truly deserve,

 

be well,

 

Brando

[skyjuice]

Hi buba,

 

Read some of your story.

 

You seems to be happy with this new guy, but yet cannot move on from your ex.

 

You have to be DARE TO BE HAPPY for yourself.

The current Japan Prime Minister admited to the press, a long time ago, that he is scare of 2 things in life--divorce and being beaten by its opponent in election.

 

The point is "Is it possible that deep down inside you scared of being hurt again, and this cause you to hesitate with this new guy?"

[buba]

needed some support today.

I finally got the court date. November 15th.

Divorce will be final.

It's reality. Moving on is hard, but I am working on it and some days are better than others.

New guy is sweet and we spend long hours talking, he is interesting and kind.

I am not in love with him but I do like his company.

tomorrow our baby would of being born.

I wish to be in a different situation right now, waiting to meet our baby...

His and his mothers words are ringing in my ears...

" Don't be stupid, go and get rid of the child for you will be a single mother and he will never be there for the baby...."

Just like yesterday... I was so scared and confused, now I regret listening to them. I regret.

[michelemybell]

Buba, I'm sorry about your baby. All I can say is that it's another reason why it's good that these people are not in your life. These people are crazy and evil, and would've brought you down down down.

Hang in there. I know this is hard but you are becoming a healthier and better person everday despite your heartache.

[thisisnotanexit]

i agree

hang in there, we're here for you!

[Hope75]

Did you have an abortion? Have you mentioned this before?

[buba]

Hope,I think that I mentioned it before.

I realised that I was preagnant one month after we separated.

I was hoping to keep the baby and work things out. Drove for 2 hours to see him and he was just raging! He said that if I decide to keep the baby, I will be a single mother and he will never be around. His Mother supported his decision and I went back home, waited till last minute and had an abortion. He never even called to see how I was doing, never offered to take me to the hospital, never offered to pay for an abortion.

I was devastated, still am. My baby would of been a week old today.

Cruel, I was bummed about it for a week.

But I am in complete N/C and I am moving on.

[michelemybell]

Buba, I'm sorry you went through that. I'm saddened that you felt pressured by these two sick individuals that you had an abortion. I hope you can use that experience as a lesson on why it's important not to lose yourself so much in a relationship where you can let the other person (and their mother!) dictate your actions--maybe even against your own value system and good judgment. Your relationship was abusive and sadly, you went along with it. Hopefully you will never allow yourself to get into that situation again.

[buba]

Thank you Michelle, your words are always a great help.

Just wanted to share...

Finally having a good day.

N (the new guy) is slowly winning my heart with his kindness...

I just realised that I actually miss him today. Just saw him yesterday.

Wow! I am surprised! I never thought I will see a day, but he is soooooo kind and such a great listener and I feel very comfortable around him.

He brings flowers and opens doors, he knows about my heartbrake and had even seen me cry over it once and he cares.

I woke up this morning and smiled when I saw beautiful roses he brought me last night. I just realised, we've been talking on the phone for 2 hours and It seemed like 5 minutes, there was still a lot to say.

I was in a brutal, abusive marriage and I loved my abuser to death, hoping he will change, but I was wrong.

People change only if they really want to change.

Just wanted to share a smile of the day with all of you wonderful people on this forum, caurse you know what I've been through and you cared.

Thank you.

[Hope75]

Hi Buba,

 

I too am sorry that you went through that and alone. Try to remember that even in hard times that all we experience is what shapes us to be who we are, and you are growing stronger every day and I am proud of you!

 

Glad you had a great day today.

[buba]

Thank's Hope.

It's amasing how the fog clears after a while.

I am still sad, but this sadness is not killing me and this pain is not stabbing any longer.

And the fear of being alone forever and not able to ever love again is gone.

Now I know what you meant by concept of NO CONTACT!

It was hard! but it was worth it.

I know, I will have my days. I know I'll miss him and it's O.K.

I am not angry any more.

I also know, that I deserve someone who will give something back.

It was meant to be. I gave what I could.

Now I am back to who I used to be before the abuse and chronic mistreatment. It took me 10 months...

I will see him at our divorce hearing on Nov.15.

Hope that by that time I will be even stronger...

If not I'll try my best to show no emotion at all.

[michelemybell]

You sound so much better Buba!

I was thinking about my previous post to you and how one can get into a situation where a mate can "make" you do things. I've been in that situation before-I did some things that I didn't want to do or that was considered "unsafe" just because I thought my ex wanted it that way. Never ever again will I do that for anyone. And I hope you dont ever do that either Buba. If you ever feel you are sacrificing yourself or what you believe in for the sake of a relationship, stand your ground and/or walk away.

Also, I hope you are still busy with school and your work---Those are the things that will allow you to endure and will give you strength, whether you are with a boyfriend or not.

Anyways, you take care!

Michele

[buba]

Need some support today.

Woke up this morning from a dream about my soon to be ex-husband.

It hurts me deeply, that I was discarded and forgotten like I never existed. All the things I've done for him, gave my all.

I told the new guy that I am not ready to be with anyone.

I am still hurting and it's not fair to him. He deserves someone who is emotionally stable. I realised that I am just using him to get over my ex.

It's wrong. I am not in a good place today.

I wish he called and said how sorry he is. I wish he thanked me for taking him around the world, for loving him. I sound desperate.

It's been a long time. I will see him on Nov.15( our divorce hearing)

I don't know how I will be able to put on a mask of calmness.

Sorry, guys. I am one sad, bitter woman. It's exactly what I was afraid of.

Having another major relapce.

[thisisnotanexit]

even though right now you're not emotionally ready to date someone new, just remember that there are people out there who WANT to date you. people are out there who will love you and treat you the way you should be treated. there are people who recognize what a special person you are. you may not be ready now, but one day realize that you can love again and they will love you back. there's already someone who is interested in you. that's something to be happy about we're always here for you and please try to hang in there.

[buba]

Thank you, thisisnotanexit,

I guess, knowing that I have to face him in court soon makes me nervous.

I wasn't able to move on yet even though I believe that I made some progress.

Memories are hunting me, I am looking forward to a day of complete freedom from this emotional jail.

Just really tired to be unhappy. Wander if he will ever regret loosing me.

[michelemybell]

He will regret losing you. But he cares more about one person: Himself. (Okay, add his mom to the list cuz he's a mama's boy). He puts himself and what he wants above and beyond anybody else. What feels good for him at the moment is most important. Can you imagine a guy like that as a father?

 

This is what helped me through my breakup with a guy exactly like yours: I finally started taking care of me. All the energy I put into taking care of him and his needs, I focused it back on myself and those around me that truly deserved it. It's hard to do because you've probably become so accustomed to giving to someone who doesn't deserve it, hoping to win their approval.

An added incentive--I want my ex to see me now and say "Da*n, I blew it big time!!" More importantly, I want to be proud of myself. I never want to be a pathetic doormat again!

 

A friend told me this recently: Think of someone you admire. Look at this person's relationships with other people. They probably are healthy relationships because you can't be a healthy and admirable person yourself hanging around people like your drug-addicted, abusive ex. You dont see Oprah with a guy like that. You dont see Madonna with a jerky man either (at least not anymore!).

 

I know this is tough Buba. Anyone who has been in a relationship with someone they cared for who is similar to your ex completely understands. I know it sometimes feels like you were discarded. But you gotta have more respect for yourself and know that you deserve a healthy guy who's not going to waste years of your life. You gotta remember that you are worth it.

 

He didn't deserve you. Remember that.