Help me, I am drowning...

[buba]

Thank you Michell, you just made my day.

Hopefully, after Nov 15 I will feel much better.

I am doing much better, compare to a complete mess I've been when I first came to this site.

I just hate those relapses and dreams about him.

But, I am looking forward to a future without abuse, isn't it sad that some people are just poisonous users with no remorse?

Can't believe I married someone like that.

I am sure there will be many others catering to his moods, walking on eggshells, paying the bills...

I just need the strength to face him in court.

[2cute2bstressed]

wow buba after reading what you went through i feel like if you can bounce back then why cant I ...I applaud you..I really do I hope that he eats his heart out at the first sight of you..I honestly believe now that when these men do such cruel things to us that not only does it come back but it comes back WAY worse. I wish you nothing but luck and i want you to know that your story gave me so much hope that i will one day be ok....I am now a stronger person emotionally because of your own personal emotional struggle...thank you sooo much

[buba]

Thank you toocute...

I wish you luck with your recovery, I am sure you will make it.

This forum is a great place to get a lot of support from caring people, I will say my prayers for you.

[buba]

Can anyone give me some advice on how to keep my cool when I see him on Nov.15 in court to finalize the divorce.

I am afraid to face him, not sure if I'll be capable to keep cool attitude.

It's been a long time and I was capable to stick to N/C.

At times I was going insane, wanted closure, but I never diled his number.

I cried a lot and smoked a lot of cigarrettes(new habit), missed him like crazy, wished it was different...

I am afraid to break down and start crying when the Judge will read the sentence and I will be legally divorced from the man I loved so deeply despite the treatment I received.

I still don't believe that he doesn't love me any more...

I still think of the good times every day and wish he quit drugs and detached from mother...

I am living in fantasy land, but I know, it will never happened.

I just need to be strong on a day of hearing and part ways forever.

How do I do that, when I am still hurting?

[kpow]

Is there someone who could go with you to court-- a friend, or relative. When I went through my divorce my best friend and mom came with me to every court hearing. It was so important to have my support there, to not feel isolated and alone against HIM. Try not to even look at him, don't talk to him, and if he approaches you just be an ice maiden. You can always cry in the car on the way home. Just tell yourself you CAN keep it together for the time you are in court. Remember, bring someone with you-- someone to be your cheerleader, to help give you strength.

 

Isn't it funny how even though we know these guys are no good for us, our hearts refuse to let go, to let us go on with our lives. Just remember you have a lot to give, and there is someone else out there who will be happy, honored to receive your love, and won't make you feel bad in the meantime.

 

Good luck

[Hope75]

What time is your court appearance?

 

Is there time to get a massage beforehand?

 

It might help relax you and prepare your mind for seeing him.

[eva1218]

Buba,

 

I'm so sorry to hear you are still hurting so badly..

 

Find someone to go with you, perhaps a guy? Or a friend..

You can't go there alone, you need someone to be there with you.

 

Believe me, you will get through it...

You will get through the hell eventually, just keep walking...

 

It's been........14months for me.

I can made it, so can you.

 

Take good care of yourself.

 

 

Love,

Eva

[buba]

Hope, I have to drive for 3 hours to get there.

He filed in his hometown.

Sooooo, no massages for me.

I am a bit nervous, but I will try my best to pretend that I am fine(hate pretending)

Do you think after it's officially over, I will be able to move on?

Will I be a wreck?

It's been the worst year of my life, but I learned a lot from this brutal experience.

[DN]

As best you can - put your emotions in cold-storage for the day and be and act strictly rational. Treat the whole day as strictly business.

[buba]

My new friend offered to drive with me.

I don't know if it's a good idea for my EX to see me with a good looking guy.

Or is it?

[DN]

Won't hurt him and may do him some good.

[thisisnotanexit]

i think it's a very good idea

[Hope75]

I say go for it. He lost you, you are moving on, and you could certainly use the added support that day.

 

Take him up on it!

[DN]

Althoug - a word of caution.

 

If you have any romantic interest in this friend, make sure he does not get the impression that you are so hung-up on the soon to be ex that he feels he would be better not pursue a relationship with you.

[buba]

DN, He knows exactly what I am going through and we sort of shifted from being romantic to being great friends( he feels that I am not ready to be in a relationship anyway)

He has a degree in Clinical psychology, which is very helpful at this point.(we met through school where I now study councelling psychology, but I just started my Masters programm 4 months ago and have a long way to go...)

We talk on the phone for hours, became best friends in such a short time.

He cares so much, I don'ty even know why.

He wants to help me through and I don't see any selfish reasons in it.

He actually offered to be friends instead of lovers, till We both know what we want, he doesn't want to be a rebound guy and I am O.K with this.

But I realize how important it is to be sane and kind, I wrote him an email last night telling him how much I appreciate his kindness, thanking him for helping me through this emotional mess and this morning he called to tell me that my email made his day and put a smile on his face...

But He is still going to see other people and I guess it's O.K. too.

So, I don't have any high expectations, just taking it one day at a time.

Sometimes I feel like I developed tolerance after being hurt soooo0 much by my EX, but at least one good thing came out of it,-I enrolled into masters programm in psychology, cause I thought I was going crazy and wanted to figure things out.

I will never again date a junkie or someone who lives with mother at the age of 34.

I still hurt and wish that one day he will see the light and take steps to heal his mind through therapy/rehab...

But it's unlikely, he blames me for his own misery and sees nothing wrong with himself.

Sad. Hopefully one day I will be glad it's all over. Right now I just keep going through hell, just like you said in your post.

I think, I will eventually grow from this and make better choices in the future. I welcome my relapces of pain and know that it's part of the process, I loved him soooo much and wish him well.

Will try to be strong in court, will try really hard to show no emotion, while the man I still love will be divorcing me.

May be I needed to go through this pain in order to apppreciate kindness.

I read my posts from 6 months ago, when I came to this forum and realised that I am in a different place now. I am at the stage of acceptance. I don't want to die any longer. I want to live and learn and help others grow.

[DN]

I read my posts from 6 months ago, when I came to this forum and realised that I am in a different place now. I am at the stage of acceptance. I don't want to die any longer. I want to live and learn and help others grow.

[buba]

DN, thanks for your support.

Yesterday went to a friends B/Day, had too much vine, broke N/C, and he hang up on me right after I said HI.

Sooooo stupid! After not talking to him for 4 months! Woke up this morning and instead of crying just said to myself: "So what? Big deal! I guess I needed it! I was drunk"

I know, it's wrong, but I am not miserable over it.

I guess, knowing that he still doesn't give a damn is a good thing.

I don't really care at this point.

I do regret calling him though...

I would of never done it if I didn't have too much to drink.

I bet, he loved it.

Has anyone ever done such stupid thing after staying strong for 4 months?

[DN]

DN, thanks for your support.

Yesterday went to a friends B/Day, had too much vine, broke N/C, and he hang up on me right after I said HI.

Sooooo stupid! After not talking to him for 4 months! Woke up this morning and instead of crying just said to myself: "So what? Big deal! I guess I needed it! I was drunk"

I know, it's wrong, but I am not miserable over it.

I guess, knowing that he still doesn't give a damn is a good thing.

I don't really care at this point.

I do regret calling him though...

I would of never done it if I didn't have too much to drink.

I bet, he loved it.

Has anyone ever done such stupid thing after staying strong for 4 months?

 

I know you regret it but in a way, it was probably a good thing. Because now you know exactly where he stands and you found out you really don't care.

 

Great for you because now you can truly move on.

[buba]

DN,

I truly don't care as much any more.

Time heals, but he was definitely on my mind when I had a few drinks.

It sucks.

I am glad you don't think it was a big deal, for I was starting to worry about it.

Oh, well... What's done is done.

Do you think I will get my closure after the divorce hearing?

[michelemybell]

Hi Buba,

Dont feel bad. I remember after my breakup, I contacted my ex several times, only to get some of the rudest treatment I've ever experienced in my entire life. It is hurtful, but it will also help you see things more clearly about him and motivate you to move on. You need to get to the point where you say "Hey, I deserve better than this. NOBODY treats Buba this way!!!"

 

Honestly, if your ex was a mature and decent man, he wouldn't have hung up on you. Then again, if you were dealing with a mature and decent guy, you wouldn't be in the predicament you are in right now, even if the relationship didn't work out.

 

Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. And next time you have any contact with your ex, show him that you are a strong woman who respects herself and can do much better than him.

 

Michele

[buba]

It's been over two months since I last posted here...

Today is our wedding anniversary, that's why I needed to come here.

2005 was the hardest year for me. We're still not divorced, I will see him in court again on Jan.17th.

Last time I tried contacting him to settle the divorce, a woman picked up his cell phone and told me that her boyfriend(my ex) is in the shower...

Than she hang up. It was a month ago.

I know, he is still punishing me, inflicting pain on me makes him feel worthy.

To make my holiday season even better, my mom passed away on Dec.12th.

I never even called my ex to let him know, I already knew that it would make him happy, he wants me to be miserable.

After that woman picked up his cell phone, I found my closure.

I hate the fact that I have to see him in court soon... Last time I saw him in court, he came with his mother( I am not surprised!) and wore the suit he wore for our wedding, he looked half of his size... so skinny! His mother wore white suit, just like a bride! She gained a lot of weight and both of them were sitting there, laughing out loud. They never even looked my way.Sick!

Two years ago today I said " I Do, TILL death do us part", It was the happiest day of my life and I had no idea what a brutal Journey I was about to go on.

[healinginnyc81]

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through. I wish people didn't have such a capacity to be cruel to other people.

It's good that you got your closure. I hope the rest of the process goes smooth and you can finally cut him out of your life.

 

I wish you the best. Try to enjoy yourself today as much as possible.

[michelemybell]

Hi Buba,

I always wondered what happened to you, and I'm glad you posted.

I am so sorry about your mother.

I am so angered about your ex. I agree with bkjsun. I dont understand how people like your ex can be so cruel. I went through the same experience myself with someone I cared about deeply, and I still hurt. I know this is cliche but it is true: You will come out better and stronger in the end for this. Like you said, finding out about this woman is painful but it will give you motivation to move on. How he acted with his mother just shows what classless people they are. You deserve so much better than these lowlife people. Next time you see them, you make sure that you look good, be confident and keep your head up high. I have found the best way to move on (and get even!!) is by making your life better than theirs, to the point where he kicks himself for letting you go.

I'm watching Oprah Winfrey while writing this, and she just had a guest whose fiance walked out on him just days before his wedding. He ended up taking that pain and doing something worthwhile. He wrote a book called Honeymoon With My Brother by Franz Wisner (He ended up going on what should've been his honeymoon with his brother--They ended up taking a two year trip around the world, where he eventually met another woman and got married). He now says that getting dumped was a blessing.

Buba,yYou mentioned at one time you were a singer/songwriter. I can see you using this experience and writing about it in songs or even as a book.

I hope you take care. We care about you Buba.

Michele

[buba]

Thank you bkjsun and Michelle, glad you still around to offer support.

It's been a year since he walked out on me, I am not as miserable any longer and I do see people...

Nothing serious, just getting out there and making new friends.

As a result of this brutally painful journey, I am now in graduate school, working on getting a degree in Clinical Psychology and I am loving it!

I can talk about my experiences with my classmates and they are extremely supportive.

I am not hunted by those awful dreams about us any longer and I am not waking up in the middle of the night, cause my guts are twisting into pretzels.

I am relieved that there is noone to save any longer and someone else has to swallow his insults, if not right now, definitely in the near future.

I went to Hell and met the Devil, thought, I wouldn't make it, but I am still here, persevering, learning, breathing...

I have the answers to a lot of questions and my existence is now bearable.

As I stated earlier, the only way for some people to feel good about themselves is by inflicting pain on others, I heard from a friend that my ex is unemployed again, got fired again( so common with potheads).

Wander what would happened to him if his mom dies?

How would he survive?

He is not capable of taking care of himself financially and his only goal is to get "High on weed".

It's a sad ending, but, hopefully, one day I will look back at this mess and laugh.

I can't wait for this day!

Wander if I should take a Good looking guy(friend of mine) to court with me for support, as I am sure my "Omnipotent" ex wouldn't like it. Should I?

[michelemybell]

Buba, your last post made me smile. I am glad you are in school and doing well. You are already showing that you can get through this and will be successful. You should be very proud of yourself. I am definitely proud of you. Your ex is pathetic (did I already say that before?) and he will definetly make someone else miserable. Consider yourself extremely lucky that you escaped a lifetime of agony from him and his mom. And yes, guys like your ex have some weird attachment to their mom.

It is important to be with someone who has long-term employment and has goals, not be a stoner or an alcoholic, is mentally stable, and is definetly not a mama's boy. It makes life so much more peaceful!!!

Anyways, you take care. Try to make a promise that you wont let your loser ex get you down in 2006!