First date and sparks?

[Cope]

Hello!

 

I was wondering. If you don't feel a spark on a first date, can it happen afterwards?

 

I've felt sparks on first dates and usually when I've been talking to the guy for a while, but the last one I had, there was no spark. Of course in between my two last first dates I got more cautious about men and extremely more casual. I act like myself I just don't get my hopes high. This is what I think causes the "no spark". I actually like it, it helps keep my mind clear and objective.

 

Another thing is, I do think we give, or at least i did, the first date too much weight. I used to linger on the details. Now I'm just like: "We were probably both awkward, don't think about it, if it's gonna happen, it will and you'll know it".

 

So do you think that the spark can develop later on? I think I already know the answer but I would love to hear some thoughts. Like, if it wasn't there on the first date, did the relationship last?

[SherrySher]

Yes, sparks can eventually come. They aren't always right away. Just be reasonable and not let it continue on for a long time if you feel no sparks or try to force it.

I would give it a month of dating and if by the end of the month you still feel nothing, then it would be good to cut your losses and let him know it's not happening.

 

But there are married people who didn't feel anything straight away but it did eventually happen.

[figureitout23]

I personally havent had a relationship develop without there being an initial spark, but every situation is unique. I mean I'm sure that friends who eventually date probably didn't have a spark initially.

 

 

 

 

Another thing is, I do think we give, or at least i did, the first date too much weight. I used to linger on the details. Now I'm just like: "We were probably both awkward, don't think about it, if it's gonna happen, it will and you'll know it".

 

If you are actively trying to take a more casual role in dating the question you're asking is a bit of a contradiction to what you wrote.

[Wolfshook]

From my experience if I feel the spark on first date,things go bad after third date.

 

So I agree with sherry. If things went well,go on another date and see how you feel.

[LaHermes]

Sparks can cause fire. And sparks can blind you.

 

No I did not feel any "spark" whatever that is supposed to mean, when I first met the man who was to become my husband.

[j.man]

Differs from person to person.

 

For me, if I don't feel a spark on the first date, I don't waste my or my date's time on a second. I simply move on.

 

I also think, generally speaking, it's easier for women to wing a second date they're not quite so enthusiastic about because it's typically not going to be their card carrying the tab. If you are going to knowingly go out with a man whom you don't feel an inclination toward, I'd advise being ready to cut his wallet some slack.

[Cope]

 

If you are actively trying to take a more casual role in dating the question you're asking is a bit of a contradiction to what you wrote.

 

Good catch. I honestly don't really know what I want at this moment. I aim for casual relationships and if it turns to something else, I think i will probably be ok with it. I am working on this. You might say it will be better for me to stop dating till I figure it out, and maybe that is the wise path, but i think that while dating I'll figure it out. It's actually helping me to understand me more. I am honest with the guys i am dating, so I don't think any harm is done.

 

I am sure of one thing: I am reevaluating the whole relationship thing because, as i realized, while dating, that I have/used to have a very flawed view of them and it was giving me a hard time.

 

Does this make sense?

[figureitout23]

Good catch. I honestly don't really know what I want at this moment. I aim for casual relationships and if it turns to something else, I think i will probably be ok with it. I am working on this. You might say it will be better for me to stop dating till I figure it out, and maybe that is the wise path, but i think that while dating I'll figure it out. It's actually helping me to understand me more. I am honest with the guys i am dating, so I don't think any harm is done.

 

I am sure of one thing: I am reevaluating the whole relationship thing because, as i realized, while dating, that I have/used to have a very flawed view of them and it was giving me a hard time.

 

Does this make sense?

 

Yes.

 

Its hard to break habits, especially relationship habits! Just take it one day at a time and tread lightly.

[Cope]

Sparks can cause fire. And sparks can blind you.

 

Such a nice way to put it!

 

From my experience if I feel the spark on first date,things go bad after third date.

 

So I agree with sherry. If things went well,go on another date and see how you feel.

 

It did go well, so if another date comes up I will go! Thing is, as time goes by I am thinking about him a bit more, I mean positive n such.

 

 

Differs from person to person.

 

For me, if I don't feel a spark on the first date, I don't waste my or my date's time on a second. I simply move on.

 

I also think, generally speaking, it's easier for women to wing a second date they're not quite so enthusiastic about because it's typically not going to be their card carrying the tab. If you are going to knowingly go out with a man whom you don't feel an inclination toward, I'd advise being ready to cut his wallet some slack.

 

I am curious as to what you mean by sparks that you don't even go on a second date. So I must define what I mean by sparks. I'll try my best. Sparks: An intense feeling when your eyes meet, the need to sit closer to the other, you can't keep your eyes of them but the feeling when they meet is to intense, so you keep going back and forth etc etc

 

 

It's nice to hear a man's point of view, never thought about the paying bit.

[Cope]

Yes.

 

Its hard to break habits, especially relationship habits! Just take it one day at a time and tread lightly.

 

 

Good! I thought I was making no sense or being unfair!

 

They are SO hard to break!! I've been learning SO much about myself lately, it's very interesting! I was taught that it was always about the other, but it always starts from ourselves. It's ironic because I am following this route in every other aspect in my life except relationships. I think this is due to a belief they have in my country that goes something like "a person acts different in a relationship than in a friendship" , which is total BS! I've been trying to debunk that for years, yet i never thought to turn the spotlight on my behavior and in this way.

[limichelle]

I think Sparks are important,the type of sparks you are talking about. It won't always happen right away. I do think if there is still no spark after a month like a previous poster said then you need to see if you are getting more of a friend vibe.

 

I think you'll know before a month however to see if you want to continue.

 

Do you feel like kissing him? Usually a kiss can help determine a connection as well.

[Cope]

I think Sparks are important,the type of sparks you are talking about. It won't always happen right away. I do think if there is still no spark after a month like a previous poster said then you need to see if you are getting more of a friend vibe.

 

I think you'll know before a month however to see if you want to continue.

 

Do you feel like kissing him? Usually a kiss can help determine a connection as well.

 

I didn't feel like kissing him during the date, which was also cut short due to circumstances (valid),but I'd love to kiss him on a potential second date! I'm not getting my hopes high, I just enjoyed his company and would love to see him again.

 

I totally agree with the month thing, although I do think I'll know sooner.

If he doesn't contact me til Tuesday, I'll probably text him then just to check. Date was today.

 

I may aim for casual and may be open to something serious down the road, but I think I treat them serious and turn casual down the road. Just realized that. Maybe because I think 'just in case'. We'll see. Most important thing is to not to overthink about him so I won't get infatuated. Which is going nicely, you can train your brain. Also, I have another date tomorrow. ALWAYS helps, keeping your options open that is.

[Batya33]

I used to give it 4 dates and if by then I didn't have a desire to kiss him - whether or not we kissed - I moved on. I felt that that was enough time to know whether there was any potential without leading him on.

[SoulTaker]

Hello!

 

I was wondering. If you don't feel a spark on a first date, can it happen afterwards?

 

I've felt sparks on first dates and usually when I've been talking to the guy for a while, but the last one I had, there was no spark. Of course in between my two last first dates I got more cautious about men and extremely more casual. I act like myself I just don't get my hopes high. This is what I think causes the "no spark". I actually like it, it helps keep my mind clear and objective.

 

Another thing is, I do think we give, or at least i did, the first date too much weight. I used to linger on the details. Now I'm just like: "We were probably both awkward, don't think about it, if it's gonna happen, it will and you'll know it".

 

So do you think that the spark can develop later on? I think I already know the answer but I would love to hear some thoughts. Like, if it wasn't there on the first date, did the relationship last?

 

Cope, good question. I don't go looking for "sparks" on the 1st date. Matter of fact, it can be a distraction in getting to know more about the other person. What I do look for though is some type of connection, which will have me want to go out on another date.

 

I'm also looking to see what the other person feels about me (interest level). For example, on one date, the woman I was with was supposed to leave at a certain time, but she stayed well after that. When I asked about her staying later than she planned, she said she had a changed of plans. That was when I felt that there would be a 2nd date.

[j.man]

I am curious as to what you mean by sparks that you don't even go on a second date. So I must define what I mean by sparks. I'll try my best. Sparks: An intense feeling when your eyes meet, the need to sit closer to the other, you can't keep your eyes of them but the feeling when they meet is to intense, so you keep going back and forth etc etc

 

It's nice to hear a man's point of view, never thought about the paying bit.

I don't get an "intense feeling" when I first meet women. Unless she's super hot and wearing something low-cut. But I assume that's a different type of intense feeling than what you're thinking.

 

I don't need my heart heart to race or to see fireworks to know if I'd like to see a woman again. What I meant is that I simply don't go on second dates if what I'm thinking is, "maybe this time it will be better." Personally, I consider it a waste of each other's time and money as well as potentially leading the other person on.

 

That said, I don't think it's a grievous sin if you do want to test the waters one more time. There are a few success stories when it comes to that kind of thing. Again, I'd say pay your own way so you're only potentially wasting his time and not his funds as well, and avoid turning a 2nd unsure date into a 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc. And I don't just say that for his benefit of not being led on, but for yours as well of not putting yourself in a position you feel compelled to settle due to having invested yourself into however many dates. That's precisely how so many loveless relationships and even marriages start and inevitably end.

[Cope]

Again, I'd say pay your own way so you're only potentially wasting his time and not his funds as well, and avoid turning a 2nd unsure date into a 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc. And I don't just say that for his benefit of not being led on, but for yours as well of not putting yourself in a position you feel compelled to settle due to having invested yourself into however many dates. That's precisely how so many loveless relationships and even marriages start and inevitably end.

 

Oh yeah I already stated that at the end of first date that the next one is on me. We do that here.

 

So i just wanted to update and stress on one matter. I sent him a message yesterday (a day after the date) nice and simple stating that I had a good time. He answered today and we started talking, he asked me of my plans the next few days, told him Im busy, so I guess once Im free I'll text him to ask him out. So things are going good, I feel nice about it.

 

Im much more normal about dating right now. I had a totally wrong way of looking at it. It sounds stupid that i just realised this, but, hey, everyone has their own timing. Dating is a way to find a person that YOU are ok with. I was taught to give the man all the power. That said, the other issue i wanted to stress about is the "who text first" after date no1. Ladies, feel free to text. You'd say that I'm saying this because it went well, no, for almost a day I was sure it went bad, but I still did feel good sending it. My thoughts were: " I'm not going to wait over a phone for his response, I liked the date, I'm gonna send a simple message, if that 'pressures' him, than good riddance!"

 

So text away! I get the "Let him text so you can know for sure that he's interested" but I say, if he's interested, it will show in MANY other ways!

[Sportster2005]

Hello!

 

I was wondering. If you don't feel a spark on a first date, can it happen afterwards?

 

I've felt sparks on first dates and usually when I've been talking to the guy for a while, but the last one I had, there was no spark. Of course in between my two last first dates I got more cautious about men and extremely more casual. I act like myself I just don't get my hopes high. This is what I think causes the "no spark". I actually like it, it helps keep my mind clear and objective.

 

Another thing is, I do think we give, or at least i did, the first date too much weight. I used to linger on the details. Now I'm just like: "We were probably both awkward, don't think about it, if it's gonna happen, it will and you'll know it".

 

So do you think that the spark can develop later on? I think I already know the answer but I would love to hear some thoughts. Like, if it wasn't there on the first date, did the relationship last?

 

It can, because there's evidence of it happening all around us.

 

The problem with your question is it invites people's opinions based on their own experience. The flaw being the fallacy that if it didn't happen to them it doesn't happen. Conversely, if it happened to someone they may incorrectly conclude it can always happen.

 

My own experience is I've never ended up dating someone unless there has been a spark. I have often given women a few dates to see if it develops. Never has. I've also been frustrated by women who say I'm great, wonderful and attractive, but won't give me a second date because they didn't feel butterflies.

 

I've seen it happen to friends, and have read posts on here where it has happened.

 

Personally if someone is O.K. and attractive I will date them a few times.

[Batya33]

It can, because there's evidence of it happening all around us.

 

The problem with your question is it invites people's opinions based on their own experience. The flaw being the fallacy that if it didn't happen to them it doesn't happen. Conversely, if it happened to someone they may incorrectly conclude it can always happen.

 

My own experience is I've never ended up dating someone unless there has been a spark. I have often given women a few dates to see if it develops. Never has. I've also been frustrated by women who say I'm great, wonderful and attractive, but won't give me a second date because they didn't feel butterflies.

 

I've seen it happen to friends, and have read posts on here where it has happened.

 

Personally if someone is O.K. and attractive I will date them a few times.

 

In a related context, I knew someone for over a year as a casual acquaintance who then became more of a friend. I was friends with his brother and we became friendly. I had a boyfriend at the time and also he was not my type physically at all. One night I invited him to a religious event because he had previously expressed interest. He said no but asked if I wanted to get sushi. We had never been out one on one. I had some inkling he might be interested but it wasn't clear. And then all of a sudden I felt sparks. He still was not my physical type but there definitely was lots of chemistry. I don't assume it always happens this way (and yes I've had situations where I didn't feel real sparks right away but wasn't repelled either, with people I just met) but it did happen that way that time. I felt strong chemistry the entire time we dated and it ended on his choice.

[Cope]

From everything everyone wrote I learned a lot!

 

I realized that I was indeed looking at relationships from an immature point of view, as if i was still in elementary school or something. Probably because I went from one relationship to another. Every single relationship I ever had, started with sparks. Now I know that most of those sparks were pure lust. I ended up having LTR with all of them. No room to grow, no room to learn what I need. This last year is a bliss! I have learned so many things about me and my needs. Last couple of months, I've learned how to take things slowly in relationships too. For some reason I thought starting a relationship was extremely easy and it always occurred for me very fast. Apparently I was lusting over them not loving.

 

If I don't feel a spark on the second date either, and I'm not talking bout a sweep-me-off-my-feet spark, just a normal one, then yes, I will probably stop, well at least pursuing this in a "serious" manner. I could definitely do casual with him.

[Batya33]

Beginnings are usually easy in the sense that tthefe is so much excitement and anticipation fueling the interactions and often flaws they later can become delavreskrrs or red flags get overlooked. I never believed that I needed time without dating or looking to date to know more about myself. I learned a lot about myself by being in serious relationships, by dating and y meeting all different kinds of people whether platonic or romantic. But that's just how it worked best for me.