Am I being unreasonable or is he..

[Emily214]

I've been seeing this lerson (Lets call him Jo) for about 7 months now. He is closed off and never really opens up about anything that is bothering him, which I accepted about him but around a Mo the ago something happened with him and his family and it influenced him that much he isolated himself for days. He refused to talk to me, ignoring messages and phone calls, saying he needs to be alone. As much as I wanted to,be there for him and help him, I tried to accept this. He knows my biggest insecurity is being ignored so this was extremely hard for me and occasionaly I did get frustrated. This lasted about a week.

Now, all was fine up until two days ago where the same thing happened again . we were meant to meet but I had a message saying "something has come up, want to,be left alone". No explanation, no estimate in how long for etc. He will ignore me completely but still posts in social media and occasionally meet his friends.

 

What do I do in this situation? We are not officially together so I think that is adding to my paranoia (e.g. what if he ever actually nessages me again?). I'm finding it really difficult to not contact him and he gets angry when I do, or ignores me completely.

 

Do I respect his wishes and hope he comes back, or move on? I dont know if this is normal behaviour? I'm out of my boundries here and never had someone react this way to negative feelings before. I understand people respond differently but I cant help feeling this is childish?

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[rosephase]

Move on. This guy clearly is ready for a relationship.

[DancingFool]

Move on.

 

Sorry but it's that simple and that obvious. There is no earthly reason for you to hang on to someone who treats you like dirt. Needing personal time is not an issue, how he is going about it, is. Also, if he is out with friends, then he is not really being alone now is he? It's just weird bs directed at you. You see that, you run. You don't waste your time trying to figure him out or make excuses for him. You just drop him and run.

[katrina1980]

 

Now, all was fine up until two days ago where the same thing happened again .

 

we were meant to meet but I had a message saying "something has come up, want to,be left alone". No explanation, no estimate in how long for etc. He will ignore me completely but still posts in social media and occasionally meet his friends.

What do I do in this situation?

 

I can only tell you what I would do. If a man ever said what this man said to you (bolded), I wouldn't even bother responding back.

 

What I would do is proceed to 'leave him alone' for the rest of his life (and mine).

 

It's one thing actually having something come up and needing to reschedule, which happens and is fine.

 

But what he said, with no explanation? That's just plain rude, and certainly not indicative of a man who gives a cr@p.

 

Since you said you are not "officially together" anyway, sorry, but imo, I think you should just next.

[Capttrae]

Dude had some family issues come up and he needed time to process it alone. That's normal, give him his space. It's great you want to be there for him but having a meltdown bc he needs alone time isn't helping anything

[katrina1980]

Dude had some family issues come up and he needed time to process it alone. That's normal, give him his space. It's great you want to be there for him but having a meltdown bc he needs alone time isn't helping anything

 

Which is fine and understandable if that were the case, but how about addressing the way he chose to tell her this?

 

"Something has come up, want to,be left alone."

 

Which was actually not true since OP discovered he was actually out with his friends.

 

This on top of his overall treatment of her throughout their RL. Shutting her out, ignoring her, time and time again.

 

Come on now, it's been said a thousand times here -- we teach people how to treat us!

[j.man]

You've been "seeing" him for 7 months and you're not official. I don't necessarily think he's treating you like dirt as much as he's simply not treating you like a girlfriend. Legit family issues going on or not, he's asserting the fact he's not obligated to tend to you. Were you two an actual couple, I might think differently of him making a pattern of needing to take a week away from you, but fact is he's entitled to it.

 

Where i will agree with others is that it seems long past due that you two part ways. Find a guy who's ready and interested in a relationship.

[katrina1980]

You've been "seeing" him for 7 months and you're not official. I don't necessarily think he's treating you like dirt as much as he's simply not treating you like a girlfriend. Legit family issues going on or not, he's asserting the fact he's not obligated to tend to you.

 

Were you two an actual couple, I might think differently of him making a pattern of needing to take a week away from you, but fact is he's entitled to it.

 

Where i will agree with others is that it seems long past due that you two part ways. Find a guy who's ready and interested in a relationship.

 

Agree and also who knows how to speak to you (whether verbally or in text) in a respectful manner when needing to break/reschedule a date, or some space or time away, for whatever reason.

[Emily214]

I mentioned this to him today actually. I told him the way he went about it was unfair on me and I at least deserve a polite response. Continued to say if I had a nicer message I probably would be more willing to give him this "space" and not be as paranoid.. He replied with "OK"

[j.man]

Continued to say if I had a nicer message I probably would be more willing to give him this "space" and not be as paranoid..

You should be willing to do that regardless.

[katrina1980]

I mentioned this to him today actually. I told him the way he went about it was unfair on me and I at least deserve a polite response. Continued to say if I had a nicer message I probably would be more willing to give him this "space" and not be as paranoid.. He replied with "OK"

 

Others may disagree but I really don't think you should be confronting him with stuff like this. It comes off as needy and naggy imo.

 

And his response, "OK." Very dismissive.

 

If I've learned anything it's that a man does what he wants to do. No amount of asking/begging/pleading him to do it another way, to suit what you want and need, will make a bit of difference.

 

Oh he may oblige for a bit, then revert back, because, well, it's just his nature, and the nature of the relationship you have established together. The dynamic.

 

You've been with the man for seven months, surely you know his style of communicating.

 

He is evasive, he shuts down and ignores you.

 

Do you really think asking him not to is gonna make any difference?

 

You have accepted and tolerated this for seven months (by choosing to remain in the RL), so no disrespect but what do you expect?

 

Personally I would never last seven months with a man like this, no matter how intoxicating the chemistry.

 

Shutting down, shutting me out, ignoring me, no thank you.

 

Again, we teach people how to treat us.

 

By tolerating this for as long as you have, you've taught him that it's okay with you that he behaves this way. Shuts you out and ignores you. Elusive and evasive.

 

If you want change, that needs to come within you.

 

Set higher standards for yourself, respect yourself first and foremost.

 

It's past the early stages but again you should never have tolerated this type of treatment for as long as you have.

 

And I am not talking about him needing space and time away occasionally, that is fine. We all do, at least I do, from time to time.

 

It's the shutting you out and ignoring you. Ugh.

 

That's just disrespectful, no matter how we wish to spin this.

[Emily214]

I was willing, and I tried, like as I said in my original post, I have insecurities with being ignored so when the only message I get is "I want to be left alone", that made me feel horrible, regardless of whether he had family issues or not. If he had explained nicely to me that he needed some time alone to think /sort some stuff then i wouldn't gave felt insecure/ felt the need to ask questions on what was going on.

[Emily214]

I completely agree it comes off as needy, this is something I need to work on in myself, when to stop and leave things be. But its too late to change that in this specific situation

[katrina1980]

I was willing, and I tried, like as I said in my original post, I have insecurities with being ignored so when the only message I get is "I want to be left alone", that made me feel horrible, regardless of whether he had family issues or not. If he had explained nicely to me that he needed some time alone to think /sort some stuff then i wouldn't gave felt insecure/ felt the need to ask questions on what was going on.

 

I understand that. What I don't understand is why you think asking him to change his style is gonna make any difference and get you what you want and need.

 

If you don't like the way he treats you and/or speaks to you, YOU WALK AWAY.

In fact you should have walked away when you first noticed this, months ago. I don't understand why you didn't.

 

Like I said, set higher standards for yourself. Respect yourself. Maintain boundaries, and don't tolerate poor treatment.

 

You do this by walking away and looking for a man who treats you more respectfully and who actually gives a cr@p.

[Mari]

I completely agree it comes off as needy, this is something I need to work on in myself, when to stop and leave things be. But its too late to change that in this specific situation

 

No the issue is with him. The dude is horrible at communicating. If your dad died you say, "dad passed away, I will be unavailable grieving". If you want to go on a bachelor party you say "going to bachelor party to have adult fun. Oh wait, scratch that last text. I meant to say: something has come up, want to, be left alone." And then you continue posting on social media and talk to your friends that are also going. And that's the problem. I mean his dad could've died or he went to a bachelor party, who knows? He needs to say what it was so that trust can be maintained, especially when he talks to other friends as that shows he doesn't need to be left alone by them.

 

At this point you just send a text saying, "need to be left alone, maybe a week". And then you date someone else and see how that's going. If it's going well then "need to be left alone for longer, something has come up"

 

Jokes aside, 7 months and no relationship means you get yourself a different dude, unless you've never asked for a relationship yourself. If you haven't then you should ask and then also ask if he's going to go silent during that too.

[Emily214]

This is tempting lol. But putting everything aside, I just dont think i have the balls to cut things off

[katrina1980]

This is tempting lol. But putting everything aside, I just dont think i have the balls to cut things off

 

May I ask why?

 

Do you not believe you deserve a man who treats with you more respect?

 

Do you not believe you deserve better treatment, in general?

 

Do you not believe you deserve a man who gives a cr@p?

 

I am not trying to be flip; these questions are not rhetorical.

 

I am seriously wondering why you feel this way.

 

It doesn't take "balls," all it takes is your respecting yourself and knowing you deserve better.

[abitbroken]

If some tragedy happened, his first priority is not to soothe your fears of being ignored. Honestly, he is NOT ignoring you. He told you straight up he needs some time to himself. BTW, if you are not really "dating" - does it matter? Why not go hang out with other people? If he already knows you have a huge insecurity and are a bit clingy, that may make him want to talk with you less, as well. Also, you say he 'won't open up" - could it be if you aren't actually dating, he doesn't know you well enough and is just not a guy who bleeds out his heart everywhere he goes?

[Mari]

This is tempting lol. But putting everything aside, I just dont think i have the balls to cut things off

 

I sometimes skim and rearrange words to get meaning and I just skimmed "balls" and "cut things off" in your sentence so I was going to say you don't have to go that far. Also, interesting choice of words. It's really up to you, I mean any relationship regardless of where it sucks is still worth something. If he's work keeping to you then sure why not.

[katrina1980]

If some tragedy happened, his first priority is not to soothe your fears of being ignored. Honestly, he is NOT ignoring you. He told you straight up he needs some time to himself. BTW, if you are not really "dating" - does it matter? Why not go hang out with other people? If he already knows you have a huge insecurity and are a bit clingy, that may make him want to talk with you less, as well. Also, you say he 'won't open up" - could it be if you aren't actually dating, he doesn't know you well enough and is just not a guy who bleeds out his heart everywhere he goes?

 

First off, I don't know of anyone who is okay with (or should accept) their SO (whether casual or serious) refusing to speak to them and/or having their texts or phone calls ignored.

 

Second, did you miss the part wherein after he told her "something came up and wants to be left alone," he was on social media and canoodling with his friends?

 

Third, did you read her original post wherein she states he's been shutting her out, and ignoring her for seven months?

 

Where did all this "he needed to spend to time with his family" or "a tragedy occurred" come from?

 

The dude was on on social media and out and about with is friends.

 

I DO agree she is a bit needy and does need to get busy with her own friends, not be so dependent on him, and leave him be sometimes.

 

Perhaps that might change the dynamic, perhaps not. That was actually a pretty good point.

 

She should also talk to him about exclusivity, since it appears that is what she wants; gauge his response.

[abitbroken]

First off, I don't know of anyone who is okay with (or should accept) their SO (whether casual or serious) refusing to speak to them and/or having their texts or phone calls ignored.

 

Second, did you miss the part wherein after he told her "something came up and wants to be left alone," he was on social media and canoodling with his friends?

 

Third, did you read her original post wherein she states he's being shutting her out, and ignoring her for seven months?

 

Where did all this "he needed to spend to time with his family" or "a tragedy occurred" come from?

 

The dude was on on social media and out and about with is friends.

 

I thought i read that they were DATING seven months when this happened --- if he has not wanted to hear from her for seven months --- why is she even bothering with this?? That's what i don't get. If someone i wasn't even dating said they didn't want to hear from me or wanted space --- i'd just consider it over. I don't get why she would be hanging on for seven months. was the fact that she thought she was dating him totally one sided?

[katrina1980]

I thought i read that they were DATING seven months when this happened --- if he has not wanted to hear from her for seven months --- why is she even bothering with this?? That's what i don't get. If someone i wasn't even dating said they didn't want to hear from me or wanted space --- i'd just consider it over. I don't get why she would be hanging on for seven months. was the fact that she thought she was dating him totally one sided?

 

The way I read it, he's been shutting down, shutting her out and ignoring her at various times throughout their seven month relationship.

 

Which she has tolerated and accepted (her words).

 

Not that he's ignored her for seven months.

[Emily214]

We have been seeing each other for seven months. We never defined ourselves as "in a relationship" but we wernt seeing anybodyelse. He hasn't ignored me for the past 7 months, this started about a mi th ago where something happened and he wouldn't speak for about week.

[abitbroken]

We have been seeing each other for seven months. We never defined ourselves as "in a relationship" but we wernt seeing anybodyelse. He hasn't ignored me for the past 7 months, this started about a mi th ago where something happened and he wouldn't speak for about week.

 

Ok -- so you are talking now and this was just for one week -- or things are still the same? Its up to you what kind of relationship you want, honestly. Its not unfair or fair of him. Its just what it is. So either break up with him or just continue this as is. Your choice --- but either way - i think you should seek help for your clinginess -- its ironic that you have a fear of being ignored so chase after a guy who sometimes doesn't want to communicate.

[katrina1980]

We have been seeing each other for seven months. We never defined ourselves as "in a relationship" but we wernt seeing anybodyelse.

 

He hasn't ignored me for the past 7 months, this started about a mi th ago where something happened and he wouldn't speak for about week.

 

Well after 23 posts thanks for clarifying, and explaining further. I thought from reading your original post, that this was an ongoing thing, for seven months.

 

Did he ever tell you what happened, why he needed space away for a week?

 

Next time this happens, you leave him alone and do your own thing.

 

No contacting him and confronting him with why he's not speaking to you.

 

Handle your paranoia/anxiety about it internally. Don't burden him with it, that will only result in him needing more space away.

 

When he initiates contact, you ask him in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory way what happened.

 

You talk about it, clear the air.

 

Ideally, he tells you what he needs and you tell him what you need, calmly and rationally and you come to a compromise.

 

I am kind of seeing his side now, believe it or not, and understanding him.

 

You sound incredibly needy and insecure. You need to contain that otherwise he will continue shutting you out instead of feeling "safe" enough to open up.

 

Instead, he will feel attacked and judged.

 

Learn to communicate in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory way, and when he communicates he needs space, for whatever reason, for the love of all things beautiful, you give it to him without hassle.

 

Assuming you wish to continue dating him, which it sounds like you do.

 

I still think the way he told you he wanted to be alone was cold and disrespectful, but there are always two sides.

 

If he feels attacked, judged and controlled, then that would explain it, but without hearing his side, it's hard to say.