Am I being unreasonable or is he..

[indea08]

Your answer will come when you decide what you ultimately want from this guy. Do you want a loving, committed, healthy relationship? If so, this ain't the one. If you want someone to have fun with until you meet the right one, then just leave this be and accept the time you get when you get it.

 

You have to realize this is NOT the kind of person you date seriously. Think about it. A bad storm comes and you've got to put a new roof on the house that you can't afford. He disappears for a week. You get pregnant and have a miscarriage, he needs to be alone. You lose a close family member, he lets you cry alone at night because he needs his space. (I really hope none of these examples happen to you, but my point is.....) You're going to go through many hard times in your life, but what gets you through them is having a partner that will always be by your side. To cry with you, or hold you, and brainstorm ideas with you. You've got to pick someone you trust 100% will be a great (and equal) partner.

[katrina1980]

Your answer will come when you decide what you ultimately want from this guy. Do you want a loving, committed, healthy relationship? If so, this ain't the one. If you want someone to have fun with until you meet the right one, then just leave this be and accept the time you get when you get it.

 

You have to realize this is NOT the kind of person you date seriously. Think about it. A bad storm comes and you've got to put a new roof on the house that you can't afford. He disappears for a week. You get pregnant and have a miscarriage, he needs to be alone. You lose a close family member, he lets you cry alone at night because he needs his space. (I really hope none of these examples happen to you, but my point is.....) You're going to go through many hard times in your life, but what gets you through them is having a partner that will always be by your side. To cry with you, or hold you, and brainstorm ideas with you. You've got to pick someone you trust 100% will be a great (and equal) partner.

 

This is true, but I also think the way a woman handles a man needing space, can change their entire dynamic.

 

From him needing so much space, to eventually feeling emotionally safe enough to open up and get closer, reducing the amount of space he needs.

 

It won't happen overnight, some men are really tightly wound.

 

But if a woman feels he's worth it, and she is secure enough within herself to handle it, like I said, how she reacts could change their entire dynamic.

 

Edit: I realize I have totally flip-flopped, but after reading the original post, I sensed something completely different from what actually went down, which she explained later on in the thread.

[j.man]

From him needing so much space, to eventually feeling emotionally safe enough to open up and get closer, reducing the amount of space he needs.

While this definitely could happen, I would caution against giving a guy space with the expectation of it. You should give him space for no other reason than he needs space. And if he needs more space than you're comfortable giving, then it's fine to search elsewhere.

 

But, again, at its core, I agree that you do indeed stand a much better chance of a guy opening up to you about things if he feels he can do it on his own terms rather than yours. It's just that some men, myself included on many levels, will always simply need space when it comes to certain stresses or tragic events.

 

All of that said, my instinct still tells me that this is less about a tragedy on his end (which it well could be... not on me to definitively state one way or the other), and more about the level of communication and interaction she's come to openly expect of him that he's not willing to give nor does their lack of being in an actual relationship entitle her to.

[katrina1980]

While this definitely could happen, I would caution against giving a guy space with the expectation of it. You should give him space for no other reason than he needs space. And if he needs more space than you're comfortable giving, then it's fine to search elsewhere.

But, again, at its core, I agree that you do indeed stand a much better chance of a guy opening up to you about things if he feels he can do it on his own terms rather than yours. It's just that some men, myself included on many levels, will always simply need space when it comes to certain stresses or tragic events.

All of that said, my instinct still tells me that this is less about a tragedy on his end (which it well could be... not on me to definitively state one way or the other), and more about the level of communication and interaction she's come to openly expect of him that he's not willing to give nor does their lack of being in an actual relationship entitle her to.

 

I agree j.man, especially bolded. I may not have worded it correctly to convey that, but that is exactly what I meant.

 

That said, through my experiences I have found that some men need space, if for no other reason than -- they need space.

 

Especially early on as they go through the process of moving towards me in a relationship.

 

It's nothing against me personally, and I don't take it as such. I need space occasionally too.

 

There need not be a tragedy or even stresses. I know for me sometimes I can become emotionally exhausted, especially since I seem to attract extroverts who always seem to be on the go, and often insist I join them (I am more introverted).

 

Which I am happy to do, but again often times it results in my becoming a bit emotionally exhausted and, as such, need some lone time.

 

So I understand when a man needs his space/lone time too.

 

I have also found in my LTRs, the amount of space we need becomes less and less as time goes on.

[Emily214]

I dont understand why it appears to just be me that he's ignoring though.

[Emily214]

On another note, I really dont know how to deal with these insecurities. I had counselling for a while but it never lasted long enough to actually help and I can't afford to go private. He has already said we will never end up together, which I was fine with, I never wanted a relarionship either. What I didnt realise is what we had would last this long, and neither did he. This is the longest he has even "been" with a girl so its new territory for both of us. At this point I think I do want a relationship, but I'm not interested in finding anyone else.

Ive mentioned it once, and he dismissed the idea of it so I let it be.

[MissCanuck]

He has already said we will never end up together

 

Then what are you still doing there?

 

He is making it clear as day he does not want to be your boyfriend. That's why you're the only one he's ignoring - he's sending a very pointed message at you.

 

Forget this guy. You're wasting your time with him.

[Tomara]

time. Leave the guy alone, he doesn't respect you.

[katrina1980]

On another note, I really dont know how to deal with these insecurities. I had counselling for a while but it never lasted long enough to actually help and I can't afford to go private. He has already said we will never end up together, which I was fine with, I never wanted a relarionship either. What I didnt realise is what we had would last this long, and neither did he. This is the longest he has even "been" with a girl so its new territory for both of us. At this point I think I do want a relationship, but I'm not interested in finding anyone else.

Ive mentioned it once, and he dismissed the idea of it so I let it be.

 

Good lord, this just keeps getting more bizarre with every post.

 

OP, this is ridiculous.

 

Figure out what you want, and take appropriate steps to get it.

 

If it's an exclusive committed relationship, then move on from this guy, he doesn't want it, at least not with you. He has made that abundantly clear.

 

If it's casual, an FWB type thing, which it sounds like this is, then accept that and stop trying to change the "rules" to soothe your anxieties and insecurities, that's not fair play.

 

I am not a mind reader but I would venture to guess the reason why he ignores *you*, and speaks to you the way he does, is because you bug the hell out of him sometimes with your anxieties, and insecurities and needs.

 

Again, given the nature of your casual, ncommitted FWB-type relationship, that is not fair play.

 

When he tells you he needs time alone, respect that and leave him the hell alone.

 

That means, no calls, no texts, nothing. If you're anxious, go for a run or something. Do not burden him with your neurosis.

 

No wonder he lashes out the way he does, he's annoyed as hell, leave him alone for chrissakes.

 

Again, if you need more accountability and commitment, and frankly respect, then as hard as that might be, move on.

[Emily214]

You're making it sound like I harass him lol. I asked if he was okay a few times and sent him to stuff to try and cheer him up, like I would with any friend.

I don't see why I get ignored when I'm 0 part of the "circunstance" but he will meet his other friends. He has told me "not to be paranoid" but when he is posting all online that he is halfway down the country having fun, i dont see why it would hurt to say hello to me.

[katrina1980]

You're making it sound like I harass him lol. I asked if he was okay a few times and sent him to stuff to try and cheer him up, like I would with any friend.

I don't see why I get ignored when I'm 0 part of the "circunstance" but he will meet his other friends. He has told me "not to be paranoid" but when he is posting all online that he is halfway down the country having fun, i dont see why it would hurt to say hello to me.

 

I'm sorry but you're not getting it.

 

He needs time alone, away from *you*. Not his friends, you.

 

Not saying this to be mean, and we're not hearing his side of things, but my guess is he feels overwhelmed by you sometimes.

 

You told us when he tells you he needs to be alone, you contact him anyway. I know you are reaching out because you care, but he's not seeing it that way.

 

He sees it as your not respecting what he wants and needs at that time.

 

He may also sense that you want more than he wants to give or is capable of giving, emotionally..

 

You may not think that's how you come across, you may think you're being cool, and treating him like a caring friend.

 

But your relationship has a different dynamic from just a friendship.. You are together, but not really "together."

 

In short, you are having sex, and sex changes things. It changes the dynamic.

 

When he tells you he wants to be alone, with no further explanation, he doesn't want to be cheered up.

 

He wants to be left alone.

 

If you don't, he may see it as you hassling him, even though that is not your intention.

 

Again, what do you want? Do you want more accountability? More commitment? More respect?

 

If so, then my advice would be to look elsewhere.

 

If you are okay with this casual FWB type thing, then respect when he needs time away from you, and leave him be.

 

Do your own thing.

 

Your call, good luck.

[MissCanuck]

You're making it sound like I harass him lol. I asked if he was okay a few times and sent him to stuff to try and cheer him up, like I would with any friend.

I don't see why I get ignored when I'm 0 part of the "circunstance" but he will meet his other friends. He has told me "not to be paranoid" but when he is posting all online that he is halfway down the country having fun, i dont see why it would hurt to say hello to me.

 

Because he's not trying to indirectly tell his friends that he doesn't want to be their boyfriend. The only person that's directed at is you. This is why he ignores you.

 

OP, look - he's told you it's not going to happen. He goes MIA when he wants. What the heck are you hanging on to false hope for?

[Emily214]

I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Thats not the issue here, I knew this from day 1. Surely if I'm. Bothering him that much though, and he doesn't want to talk to me that much, he would just end it and not be telling me he will talk to me "soon"?

Im just confused about the whole thing

[LaHermes]

So

 

"I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship."

 

Could not be clearer.

 

What he is saying about "soon" or not soon is totally beside the point. People can, and do, often say the first thing that comes into their head.

[Emily214]

If I was to cut things off with him, how would I go about doing it? Should I just block him without warning seeing as hr doesn't want to hear off me, or tell him I'm done? Evidently I can't just ignore him.. If I tell him he will either 1) not care at all, 2) say "if that's what you want" or "fine" or 3) make me feel guilty and in turn make me stick around waiting for him . If iI block him I'm going to have a really tough time dealing with the no closure part/not knowing what would have happened.

[katrina1980]

I know he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Thats not the issue here, I knew this from day 1.

 

Surely if I'm. Bothering him that much though, and he doesn't want to talk to me that much, he would just end it and not be telling me he will talk to me "soon"?

Im just confused about the whole thing

 

Why would he end it? Hell, he's got a good thing going, he gets to have regular sex whenever he wants without having to invest very much or do what's necessary to maintain a LTR.

 

There is nothing to be confused about. He's stringing you along. No I take that back, you are stringing yourself along.

 

And lest you or anyone thinks he's "using" you for sex, I beg to differ.

 

You are a willing participant. And he's been quite honest with you from the getgo.

 

No relationship, ever.

 

If you're okay with being a "good for now girl," someone he calls on whenever he feels the urge, then feel free to carry on.

 

If you want a man who actually gives a cr@p and sees you as someone he values and has respect for, as we have all been saying, look elsewhere cuz you're not gonna get that from him.

 

Edit: You know what's interesting? I am more mad at you than him. He's been honest with you. You, on the other hand, are just not hearing him. It's like you've got blinders on or something.

 

I am really sorry though, I know it's tough accepting these things. I hope one day you'll be able to though, and break away from this man.

 

Best of luck.

[katrina1980]

If I was to cut things off with him, how would I go about doing it? Should I just block him without warning seeing as hr doesn't want to hear off me, or tell him I'm done? Evidently I can't just ignore him.. If I tell him he will either 1) not care at all, 2) say "if that's what you want" or "fine" or 3) make me feel guilty and in turn make me stick around waiting for him . If iI block him I'm going to have a really tough time dealing with the no closure part/not knowing what would have happened.

 

No don't ignore or just block. That's so weak.

 

You simply send him a text telling him "I've enjoyed our time together, but it's not working for me anymore, so moving on. Wish you the best, good luck."

 

THEN BLOCK.

 

I wouldn't even bother telling him you need "more" or whatever. He won't care.

 

It's not working for you anymore, wish you the best.

[LaHermes]

Emily.

 

Try not to over-think the whole issue with these "what ifs" and so on.

 

Just do it, and you will just have to deal with the "no closure" and then concentrate on yourself.

[Emily214]

I know, I'm angry at myself too. I dont even know why I'm still seeing him. I can't bring myself to get out

[katrina1980]

I know, I'm angry at myself too. I dont even know why I'm still seeing him. I can't bring myself to get out

 

If I may ask. What's preventing you from ending it? Do you know?

 

Fear of being alone?

 

Fear you will never find another man you care about as much?

 

Fear of the unknown?

 

It's good to think about these things, and talk them out.

 

That's why we're here. To listen and help you sort it out.

 

I wanted to apologize too if I sounded harsh.

 

I think it comes from my mom, who was such a no-nonsense type woman, she was always "kicking me in the butt" (so to speak) and I learned a hell of a lot from her because of that.

[LaHermes]

Yes, you CAN Emily. You can.

 

I can't bring myself to get out

 

Again don't over-think because that is counter-productive. Think of yourself, what you would like to do and where you want to go in life. That is all that matters.

[katrina1980]

Yes, you CAN Emily. You can.

 

I can't bring myself to get out

 

Again don't over-think because that is counter-productive. Think of yourself, what you would like to do and where you want to go in life. That is all that matters.

 

I agree "over-thinking" (i.e. obsessing) is counter-productive.

 

But I believe thinking/introspecting is good, and very productive.

 

I do a lot of introspecting, especially at the end of a RL.

 

In doing so, I begin to recognize my 'mistakes', so I can "do better" in my next RL.

 

It's all a learning process (not only about relationships but about yourself too), and a journey.

[Emily214]

I really dont know whats stopping me. I think its the fact I know its going to be hard and I know what I'm like when losing someone close to me. I fear what I'll be like and ive been in a dark place for so long about someone I loved before and I dont want to go there again.

I have supportive friends who are waiting for me when I'm ready but I just dont want to risk losing something, even though we are really nothing

[Emily214]

Dont worry about sounding harsh, I needed it, really.

[MissCanuck]

What would you be losing, really?

 

He's not committed. He doesn't care that it upsets you when he ignores you.

 

You're hanging on to who you he could be, but not who he actually is. That hypothetical is just not going to happen, based on his current behaviour. Stop living on a wish and start living with reality. You will be doing yourself a favour in the long run. Think of how painful it will be if you keep this non-relationship up and someday he tells you he can't see you or talk to you anymore because he's met someone and is actually dating her. That's where this is headed.