Realizing You May Never Get Closure

[Goodfellas]

Hello all,

 

I was dumped via text after a two month courtship. It was short-lived but I'm reeling because of unfulfilled potential and how high of a pedestal I put her on. Essentially it started hot (I'd say at one point her interest in me was higher than mine in her) but fizzled fast. I got a vague, "maybe I'm complicated/perhaps I'm not ready for a serious relationship" explanation.

 

It's been a week and I keep going over possible reasons. I like the ones that protect my ego (e.g. she's commitment-phobic, she was terrified of losing freedom) but can't help think of ego-damaging ones (e.g. she met someone else, she lost interest). If she's scared of commitment, why was she posting so many cleavage selfies lately like a billboard to suitors? (These are the whack thoughts that go through my mind--I've since unfollowed her to stop jumping to conclusions like this.)

 

I'm starting to realize I may never get a real reason. So, how do/have any of you dumpees deal with the unknown? I've made a decision to choose positive, ego-protecting reasons like mentioned above but slip into negative at times. Anyone have any tips on how to deal with hazy, vague breakups positively? Does it even matter as it's over anyway?

 

Cheers!

[JustinPonders]

I'm just wondering. Did you perhaps smother her? Showed her too much affection? Acting needy and clingy? Acting immature and/or insecure? Or the opposite?

 

I for one was able to clearly define my mistakes during my ex-relationship. I've learned from them and will definitely work every bit of my energy to avoid them the next time around. Perhaps you should really be honest with yourself and do the same?

 

And look at it this way. Go full blown NC. Work on your mistakes. Build your self-esteem. Go back out on the dating market. And who knows, she just might ring you up one day out of the blue. If you're ready and open you could show her the new you. Hence the word show. Don't talk a full game but rather show. This, my friend, will have her growing much attraction towards you once again. It's never too late.

[Goodfellas]

By my standards I didn't smother, but I can't speak for her conservative catholic ways. We'd only hangout 1-2 per week and I respected her "crazy workweek" when she had report cards due. Perhaps I showed I was too into her by sending her a care package in the midst of crazy week/father falling ill but that's the only "mistake" I can think of. We also "moved fast" by her standards and she asked to slow down three weeks prior to ending it.

 

At times I was overly affectionate and I did feel insecure in her beauty but I never outwardly showed it. Surely she can't read my thoughts!? I appreciate your advice and am in NC over a week now. No social media following, no emails, no texts—nothing! I'm gym-ing hard and am applying to better jobs not in an attempt to get her back but to better myself. I am back on the dating scene, including one last night and another tomorrow. Hopefully, as you mentioned, I'll be able to show her the better me but she'd have to initiate because I'm full blown NC!

[boltnrun]

Sometimes it really isn't anything you did "wrong". It could just be that the person just wanted something different in life.

[JustinPonders]

By my standards I didn't smother, but I can't speak for her conservative catholic ways. We'd only hangout 1-2 per week and I respected her "crazy workweek" when she had report cards due. Perhaps I showed I was too into her by sending her a care package in the midst of crazy week/father falling ill but that's the only "mistake" I can think of. We also "moved fast" by her standards and she asked to slow down three weeks prior to ending it.

 

At times I was overly affectionate and I did feel insecure in her beauty but I never outwardly showed it. Surely she can't read my thoughts!? I appreciate your advice and am in NC over a week now. No social media following, no emails, no texts—nothing! I'm gym-ing hard and am applying to better jobs not in an attempt to get her back but to better myself. I am back on the dating scene, including one last night and another tomorrow. Hopefully, as you mentioned, I'll be able to show her the better me but she'd have to initiate because I'm full blown NC!

 

As human beings we're able to pick-up on other people's energy. Sometimes we even do it without being conscious about it. Something to consider. But ya, she told you specifically that you guys were moving fast prior to the breakup. The problem with us inexperienced dudes is we, most the time, look pass the subtle cues our SO clearly give us. You see, you heard her but you didn't act on it and it came back to bite ya. Just learn from your mistake bro. Again, her being gone isn't always indefinite. Just work on being a better version of yourself and move on with your life. She just might come back. Dumpers are keen on picking up the energies of their dumpees once they feel they've moved on. Get it?

[Goodfellas]

Sometimes it really isn't anything you did "wrong". It could just be that the person just wanted something different in life.

 

I need to keep reminding myself of this. Essentially, she could've said the tired cliché "it's not you, it's me" and it would've been true. I really don't think I messed up, which is what makes this all the more perplexing.

 

JustinPonders Although I don't consider myself an inexperienced dater, I appreciate your insight and positivity. I'm a believer in picking up on someone's energy so I need to work on feeling worthy of being in a relationship—regardless of their attractiveness. Here's hoping she picks up on my soon-to-be new and improved energy!

[bbogdanov]

You are not a real "dumpee", I think, as you said it was a 2-month courtship. I mean - she didn't even have the chance to get to know you, to appreciate your positive qualities etc. Don't put her on a pedestal! She is the one to lose if she doesn't want to be with you! Your ego should not be damaged as you were too early in the process. How about being with a girl for 3.5 years and she leaves you because of not loving you anymore (as it happened to me)?? That's an ego-damaging situation!

[Keyman]

There are so many ideas on what closure is, but I define it as the ability to close the door on the relationship and walk away whether you have answers to your questions or not. It is the first step in the healing process.

 

What you are after is answers and in my experience, and having been here for many years, answers lead to more questions. My suggestion, just forget about it and walk away. What are you going to do if you find out that she left for someone else, or thought you were ugly and was just giving you a go or whatever. Close the door at where it's at no and get on with your life.

[Goodfellas]

bbogdanov This is true, "dumped" seems harsh after just a two-month tryst. Not wanting to get to know me more, which she requested at same time as slowing down, is what stings. I feel she ended it prematurely. Sorry for your 3.5 year situation but thanks for sharing.

 

Keyman I never considered answers leading to more questions. I can just imagine meeting for a civil coffee to "gain closure" then leaving that chat with more "but what about...?" and "if that's true, then why did...?" It's so hard to just walk away (I still feel I haven't heard the last of her as she'll reach out when she's less confused--this relationship was too passionate to just fade away like so) but so far so good as this week+ of NC has been surprisingly easy.

[bbogdanov]

I don't understand the concept of closure (english is not my native language so I don't exactly understand what's that all about), but when it comes to questions/answers - I don't think you can reach the end and become calm about the situation. I too was thinking that if I get this and that answer, I will feel calm and heal from the breakup. Like this "knowledge" was all I needed. Totally wrong - for every answer I got from my ex (and believe me, she is a great person and although angry with me at some point - she answered all my harassing questions), ten other questions popped into my head. It was like an avalnche of questions that overwhelmed me. I even got to the point of making her agree for a "final" meeting where I asked her a ton of questions I'd previously written down in a notebook, going through the whole relationship, discussing every cornerstone there was etc. While I have to admit some of the answers really made me realize a couple of things about me and the relationship as a whole, it's just not worth it.

[Goodfellas]

Well said and thanks for sharing that anecdote. I have been told by close friends to ring her up for a "closure" talk and I haven't, which I'm grateful for. I imagine I'd get the same, confused drivel she texted and it would reopen all the healed wounds I'm working on.

 

The more I hear/read stories like above the more I realize the value in NC. You either make yourself a mystery and they come back or you expedite healing--it's a win-win for the dumpee!

[LaHermes]

Yeh. It figures GF.

 

I'd get the same, confused drivel she texted

 

This is the same "Miss RC" we are talking about. Yes?

[Goodfellas]

Yeh. It figures GF.

 

I'd get the same, confused drivel she texted

 

This is the same "Miss RC" we are talking about. Yes?

 

Yes ma'am! She's the same Roman Catholic, "we're moving too fast" gal.

[Jennifer weave]

Hello all,

 

I was dumped via text after a two month courtship. It was short-lived but I'm reeling because of unfulfilled potential and how high of a pedestal I put her on. Essentially it started hot (I'd say at one point her interest in me was higher than mine in her) but fizzled fast. I got a vague, "maybe I'm complicated/perhaps I'm not ready for a serious relationship" explanation.

 

It's been a week and I keep going over possible reasons. I like the ones that protect my ego (e.g. she's commitment-phobic, she was terrified of losing freedom) but can't help think of ego-damaging ones (e.g. she met someone else, she lost interest). If she's scared of commitment, why was she posting so many cleavage selfies lately like a billboard to suitors? (These are the whack thoughts that go through my mind--I've since unfollowed her to stop jumping to conclusions like this.)

 

I'm starting to realize I may never get a real reason. So, how do/have any of you dumpees deal with the unknown? I've made a decision to choose positive, ego-protecting reasons like mentioned above but slip into negative at times. Anyone have any tips on how to deal with hazy, vague breakups positively? Does it even matter as it's over anyway?

 

Cheers!

 

I was dumped, via text message, after a one and half year relationship. Even though he only lives a mile away. No phone call, and only a few replies to my text messages: "I'm sorry we didn't work out." "It's not the end of the world." I'm pretty sure he moved on to someone else only a few weeks after the break up, as his car wasn't in the drive way at 4 AM. This is someone who I was committed to, and we were very much happy together. The break up was tough to accept, but the way it was done, and the fact he has moved on so easily has ripped my heart to shreds. Was I really not worth more than a text message? He has pretty much given me the silent treatment, no answers to my texts, and the ice water which runs through his veins are all a sure sign he's with someone else. I've cried every day for 60 days straight, lost 12 pounds, and barely sleep. It is amazing how someone can damage you, and show no remorse, whatsoever. There are days I don't want to go on, but I have to, because of my kids. Karma lives, and one thing which gets me through is to know, he will feel this pain one day when it's done to him.

[Goodfellas]

I'm sorry to hear that, Jennifer weave. Here I am expecting a phone call and closure after a two month fling but I'm seeing more and more stories like yours where multiple year relationships were ended via text. The less confrontational, more cowardly approach.

 

Might as well take this opportunity to update my situation: there's nothing to report. Since I replied to her breakup text on June 25 there has been no contact in either direction. Perhaps she's in Italy now and in vacation mode, I don't know because I don't follow her on social media at all. Either way, I'm healing well and focusing on fitness but still play the comparison game when I meet new women.

[figureitout23]

 

I never considered answers leading to more questions. I can just imagine meeting for a civil coffee to "gain closure" then leaving that chat with more "but what about...?" and "if that's true, then why did...?" It's so hard to just walk away (I still feel I haven't heard the last of her as she'll reach out when she's less confused--this relationship was too passionate to just fade away like so) but so far so good as this week+ of NC has been surprisingly easy.

 

I know there are mixed feelings about closure here. I personally think its sometimes needed to move on. I dont think thats the case here though. The way you're talking, I don't think you want closure, sounds like you want her back so no statement will ever be good enough. Are you maybe in the bargaining stage? I mean honestly, what do you want to hear her say?

[Starlight925]

I was walked out on after a 2 1/2 year relationship that I thought would be forever. I thought it was the best relationship of my life; we never had so much as a cross word to say to one another, we adored each other, our sex life was great, and we were talking future. One night, he walked out after the most minor of questions I asked (my birthday was coming up and I wanted to see if he'd call my family to plan something, as they wanted to do something, and he didn't want to, which I didn't understand). He got up, said goodbye, and I waited...and waited....about 2 weeks later, I emailed him, and he said he just "didn't know" what he wanted. He came by to pick up his stuff, without a word. He was online with a new profile within days, and that's the last I've ever heard from him.....and that's been 5 years. I spent a year crying so hard I thought my ribs would break.

 

I believe in closure, and I believe in an adult discussion. I believe that even if one person is going to cry, scream, and kick, that they deserve an explanation.

 

I believe this so much that, 10 years ago, I ended a very serious relationship (we were engaged), and he cried so hard, begged me back, wanted so badly to understand. I spent literally months explaining to him, consoling his tears, holding him while he cried, and explaining it some more. I felt he deserved the fullest possible understanding of why I ended it. I felt I owed him that closure, after all we had been through. I only wish my next relationship had done that for me.

[LaHermes]

Here goes:

 

How to give yourself closure:

 

If your partner refuses to give you closure after you have repeatedly asked for it, ask yourself whether the type of person you imagined him or her to be would treat you with such indignity, and whether the future you might have imagined together included this characteristic. Chances are, your answer is 'no'. Therefore, you can begin to reconcile the fact that perhaps you imagined your partner to be someone he or she is not and forgive yourself for trusting someone who has hurt you.

 

You may find peace in confronting your ex-partner's hurtful actions by writing him or her a letter without expecting a response, which you may or may not choose to send. A specific type of writing, research shows, can be particularly effective in lessening post-dissolution distress: Examining the relationship through a redemptive lens, wherein one focuses on the positive outcomes that arise from a break-up, or a negative event. Writing about the relationship in this way, over the course of 4-days, has been shown to reduce the emotional suffering that can comes from a relationship ending. While friends and family might recommend getting closure through finding meaning from the break-up, surprisingly, research shows that in events such as marital separation, actively searching for meaning and writing about it is not only ineffective, but can actually cause worsen and lengthen emotional distress.

 

From:

 

An article by

 

Mariana Bockarova Ph.D.

 

Romantically Attached

Why We Need Closure

[Jennifer weave]

I'm sorry to hear that, Jennifer weave. Here I am expecting a phone call and closure after a two month fling but I'm seeing more and more stories like yours where multiple year relationships were ended via text. The less confrontational, more cowardly approach.

 

Might as well take this opportunity to update my situation: there's nothing to report. Since I replied to her breakup text on June 25 there has been no contact in either direction. Perhaps she's in Italy now and in vacation mode, I don't know because I don't follow her on social media at all. Either way, I'm healing well and focusing on fitness but still play the comparison game when I meet new women.

 

People suck, and the only thing which gives me closure is the fact he will settle for someone, and always look for me in everyone he dates, but I'll never be found. I hate to sound vindictive, but karma is real.

[LaHermes]

Define Karma then.

 

Another word that is bandied around. Karma has nothing to do with revenge.

 

"What is the meaning of karma? Karma is not existence’s reward or punishment system as people seem to think. Sadhguru dispels this notion and explains that whatever kind of karma you have, it restricts and binds you – unless, you know how to loosen its grip!

 

Sadhguru literally means action. We are referring to past action. From the moment you were born till this moment, the kind of family, the kind of home, the kind of friends, the things that you did and did not do, all these things are influencing you. Every thought, emotion and action comes only from past impressions that you have had within you. They decide who you are right now. The very way you think, feel and understand life is just the way you have assimilated inputs. We call this karma."

 

 

From:

 

 

 

You remark Jennifer:

 

"and one thing which gets me through is to know, he will feel this pain one day when it's done to him."

 

Short of being a clairvoyant, you don't know what will happen to him (or indeed to you) in the future.

 

Best to concentrate on the present, on yourself and less on vengeful thoughts of the "other".

[boltnrun]

Yeah, I thought for sure that when my ex moved the girl he'd been cheating on me with and dumped me for in with him, their relationship would crash and burn, particularly because his entire family and friend group couldn't stand her.

 

Nine years later, they're still together.

[Jennifer weave]

Yeah, I thought for sure that when my ex moved the girl he'd been cheating on me with and dumped me for in with him, their relationship would crash and burn, particularly because his entire family and friend group couldn't stand her.

 

Nine years later, they're still together.

 

Exactly why I don't want to know, and hopefully, I never will.

[LaHermes]

"Indeed, many individuals experience unending loss that is ambiguous and open-ended. Therapists argue that instead of trying to find closure, which may never be possible, it is best to find meaning, even if there is no final “end.”8 The take-home message is to be OK with not knowing “why” things ended. Being OK with not having all the answers can then lead to deeper personal growth because it bolsters our ability to tolerate anxiety associated with ambiguity or uncertainty in our lives.9 In other words, we can never know all the reasons that some of our relationships end. Accepting this (even when it is uncomfortable to do so) makes dealing with other uncertainties in life easier.

 

So, if there is no such thing as true closure, then it may be best to adjust expectations about what grief and loss really are. This means coming to terms with what the lost relationship means, acknowledging its significance, and then continuing on to find growth and meaning in other areas of life and relationships."

 

"The word closure implies that all of the chaotic feelings and frightened memories get placed in a box with a bright color ribbon tied in a bow. This bow somehow prevents the sense of overwhelm from clouding your sense of well being.

 

Genuine healing of emotional pain does not take work in this manner. Real healing is not that tidy and straight forward a process. Authentic healing is different for each individual. Different stages of grief and loss may be wonderful guides for some, but there is no real evidence that these stages actually occur in an explicit order or at all."