Annoyed at hubby - complacent planner - tired of it

[tattoobunnie]

About a month and a half ago, hubby sends me an email from this guy inviting people and their mogs and jeeps to this campsite that's known for ATV racing. Hubby suggests going as a family. I say no since there's nothing for our 18 month old and 5 year old to do, and they are too young to ride an ATV. Backstory, hubby is obsessed with Mogs (utility vehicles) and his Jeep.

 

Hubby told me a few weeks ago that he was secretly planning with my bestie from Maryland a surprise visit. Considering this man hasn't planned anything for me in like, never, I was picturing her coming to visit and staying with us while she's in town. That was about it; just nice. A bit happy he was taking initiative with plans.

 

Then on Friday, he drops this annoying bomb that he's going to take our boys to the campsite, and he called a friend of mine who hasn't even invited me to her home in 6 years that I am to go on a girl's weekend. Keep in mind, I'm still nursing the 18 month old, and this friend, while I love her to pieces, has not physically called me to initiate plans since I've known her for 20 years. I've always planned everything for our friends. So, I'm pissed, cuz it's like he's expecting her to make secret plans for the weekend, and she's never done that before, and I'm not ready to just not see for my kids for 3 days. So, I'm pissed, and I let him have it, and tell him that was his backhand way of going to that campsite. That none of it revolves around anything related to the kids. And that he actually didn't plan anything for me. Which he replies with, "well, I've been trying to figure out what you like to do for weeks now, and you didn't want to go to the Whitney. And that when I do ask, you just go, 'meh, meh, meh'" Keep in mind, I am probably one of the most fun people who's up for anything (without kids).

 

He cut me off, and just went outside to finish cutting the lawn. I'm so annoyed that after breakfast, I ignore him, and even for his Father's Day dinner at this fancy steakhouse I planned a month in advanced with my parents, I don't even look at him once, nor talk to him. I am just so annoyed that he hasn't tried to continue the talk, and that after 6 years of marriage, he still "doesn't know what I like to do??" Um, weird, right?

 

So this makes me think he's 1) either really stupid, 2) really selfish, or 3) doesn't care about me enough to really find out. This is the man who bought me 3 cuisinarts and 30 screwdrivers for Christmas over the years, which are the equivalent of buying your wife who doesn't bowl, a bowling ball.

 

It's the afternoon, and I know he's been trying to make jokes to sweep the whole conversation and divert it under the rug, but I'm still ignoring him. I haven't told him how annoyed I am at him about not knowing what I like. I want him to bring it up first, because I'm not interested in talking to a person who's in a little boy mindset. I feel like I should tell him to just go on his own. But I want to follow it up by a threat. But I'm out of threats to be honest. Probably, cuz I know I'm not mad - I'm just annoyed that he just never takes the initiative to make plans that revolve around us, or me. My birthday and mother's day, so not thoughtful really on his part. I know he's always been like this, but when I "assumed" he made plans with my bestie that he actually made plans.

 

What would you do because copy and paste what I wrote here to him?

[Hollyj]

You need to sit down and have a very long talk.

 

It was very sneaky for him to make those plans. You're not going to go, are you?

[rosephase]

Why don't you talk to him about what is upsetting you. Ignoring your partner because you are upset is childish and is terrible communication. If you want him to know what you like, what you want and how you would like him to treat you, you have to be able to communicate. He isn't a mind reader.

 

If you want him to make plans that revolve around you and the kids more TELL HIM. If his actions hurt you TELL HIM. It sounds like he was trying to make the situation work... he just guest wrong about how to do that. Take the guess work out. Talk to your partner about what you want.

[Coily]

I'm with Rosephase, talk with the man AND leave the threat out, unless you want to escalate this situation.

 

I think from his point of view he wants to share his passion with his kids, and went about it very ham handedly.

[abitbroken]

Once a year my guy meets a couple friends - a couple guys from work and one or two other friend and they go ride the trails. The small children, wives and girlfriends stay home. Its just the guys for two days. Occasionally, there is another weekend where teenage kids, wives etc who actually ride come along - no one who has to stay back at the cabin.

 

Its okay if that's his hobby and he wants to go with his guy friends. Tell him that its okay if he wants to go ride his ATV with his friends and you stay home with the kids and do not try to make this into a family vacation. And then at some point its okay for you to have a girls weekend at a different time and he stays home with the kids.

 

I think its unreasonable to have a beef that "but there's nothing for the kids". your kids are waaay too young for a trip like this. its not like you are all going to an amusement park and there are plenty of animal shows and attractions for a 5 year old to do in the same park and small kids under two - as it always has been - they are just along for the ride and don't really remember the trip.

 

Tell him instead if inventing plans for the rest of the family so he can go four wheeling - tell him just to go. I honestly think him doing this and you two going on a getaway just the two of you without the kids another weekend or a girl's night for you is better because your kids are just too young to get anything out of a family vacation. I think its waaay over the line for him to arrange a girls weekend for the same time - what fun is a girls weekend with an 18 month old?

Give him the permission he seeks to go. or he decides not to go --- but this whole "family vacation" that you don't want is out of line

[abitbroken]

You say "he doesn't know what you like".

 

If when he TRIES to do something nice for you, you sulk and ignore him - that doesn't help.

What do you LIKE to do??? Do you like to go antiquing? Do you like to horseback ride? Do you enjoy foreign films? WHAT do you like to do???? If you would go to your husband and say "honey, you know what i am really passionate about. I would love to take up painting again. There is this workshop at that place Frank Llloyd Wright built. What do you say about you watching the kids and me and bestie going to that?" or "What about if i go to that and you take the kids to the roadside attraction museuem and water park nearby, and we can all stay at the water park at night?" THAT GIVES HIM SOMETHING TO WORK WITH. He is only going to revolve around what he likes because he doesn't know what you like

[reinventmyself]

Oh I remember those days. I get why you wouldn't want to go. But at the same time I see why he does.

I don't know. Sorry to make a generalization, but this seems so typical to me. On one hand

it seems self serving and another way to look at it is that he very well had good intentions but

went about it in an awkward way.

 

I wouldn't be so hard on him. He probably thought he was doing a good thing taking the kids away

and giving you some time to yourself. And yes they are young. Easy for me to say now, but they survive some

how and no one gets hurt. But I was the same way as a young mother.

 

Sometimes they just don't get it. (sorry guys, but true)

[tattoobunnie]

I tell him about what I want so clearly from things to do and things to see, and what I want, with websites, and pictures, and words - it's just in one ear, and out the other. His inability to plan anything for us or the family - it's not a unknown issue. It's an annoying regular issue that I normally don't mind, but the sneaking around this time around is what is making this an issue.

 

I have yet to understand why I have to plan all the family events, going out to eat, the playdates for the kids, our events at the house, all the daycare stuff - okay, sure, all it translates to me is that he doesn't care. I spend all year thinking of great gifts for him too, and he gets me nothing, or something that has nothing to do with my benefit.

 

Hey, if he actually did some planning, I would have an opportunity to be stoked. But if you don't do anything - really, no opportunity to share how happy you are about it.

 

If he actually took initiate at some point once a year that actually involves the family - I think what bothers me is that I am the breadwinner, and I'm nursing, so I have very very little time for myself, and I see him doing nothing but watching videos about Jeeps, it's like the equivalent of video games to me.

[Batya33]

When he is with the children without you there, does he take them places or does he always just play at home? And if at home does he plan activities ever to do at home?

[tattoobunnie]

The boys play together while he surfs the web, or does yardwork outside. They don't leave the house

[ParisPaulette]

My first husband was a bit like this, although not as bad. What I did was parlay that into what I wanted to do first, then he could go do what he wanted to do. Example: "You can go on that trip, BUT first I get to go to a day spa and you are going to watch the kids." I would then book the trip there, demand the money and remind him no trip for me equals no trip for him, and then I'd do my thing first. Then he could do his thing. We each got what we wanted and it was a win-win.

 

And when it came to family activities I planned our things together, because he was a terrible planner. Same thing with gifts. Give him a list and tell him to give you something off the list and only off the list. Don't expect the man to be creative or a mind reader, because lots of people aren't. I do this with everyone, because I am not a creative gift giver or a mind reader either.

 

It really comes down to you have to work with the man in front of you. Plus if he gets you gifts for him then get him gifts for you. You know that nice vacuum cleaner you've been wanting? Buy it for him. That nice set of dishes? Again, for him. It'll only take a time or two before he gets that message loud and clear and suddenly remembers what you like. And I'm not saying that to be mean, but we do teach people how to treat us to one degree or another. So really over the years I've learned to give people what they give me and neither expect or do more for them than they do for me. This keeps resentment from building, if someone gets upset then I remind them that I have taken a page out of their book and figured that's what they want and so I don't understand why they're upset, but hey it is what it is. And I don't get upset or treat it as anything but a joke. Usually when they see I'm not going to get upset, they then start to either "remember" or they resign themselves to the system of they get me what they like, I get them what I like, we both still win.

 

But the lists thing, yeah, I make everyone give me a list too. Some people in my family hate it and feel I should remember what they like, but I can't. I'm very guy like in that respect. I don't walk past something and go, "Oh, that would be perfect for so and so." I did not get that gene or something. So lists and equal treatment on gifts and holidays reflecting what they do for you. And you will have to take charge of things, because you married the man knowing this about him and marriage does not change things like that. It makes it worse, because they now have to put in no effort, they've got you.

 

So don't ask or expect him to come up with these things. Tell him what you will and won't do and demand you get time for your own activities and let him go do his, then plan shared activities for all of you and don't expect him to do what he hasn't done since day 1. You play the hand dealt you. I don't know what else to tell you. It seems to have worked in my family for the women and men, so we all kind of do that.

[LV426]

I think that your biggest problem here is that you are resentful of him and not just because he doesn't plan anything. You admit you are the breadwinner and he does nothing but search the internet and play online while the kids play in the background. I think your best bet here is to sit down and talk to him. Set your expectations of what you want him to do. He can then agree it's reasonable or tell you it's not reasonable for him. And whatever his answer you need to figure out what you can and can not accept.

 

You know he's bad at giving gifts. It could be that he's just bad at it, or it could mean that he's doesn't care. It also could mean that you are investing more feeling and caring into the gifts than he does. In which case maybe you should stop giving and receiving gifts to and from him. Take the money you would have spent and put that money into an account for yourself. That way you aren't disappointed by receiving another shop vac or set of screwdrivers for xmas or your bday. And your husband might come to realize and what it's like to get a crappy or no gift. If he doesn't come around then you still have the money to get yourself something. But also you can then make the evaluation as to whether or not this is a deal breaker for you.

 

Set him down and tell him that if he wanted to go on this trip he should have just said so and not tried to make it seem like he was doing something for you. Tell him how it made you feel, and tell him that things need to change. He can't just sit on his laurels looking at Jeep stuff. He needs to be engaged in the marriage. Because right now you don't have a marriage. You have two people living in the same house with two kids that probably aren't getting the emotional investment they need from at least one parent. He's not engaged in their lives or yours. He's having an affair with a Jeep. Yes I know that sounds stupid but he's basically checked out and you need to either get him re-engaged or leave him to his own devices and move on with your life.

 

Sit down and make a list of what you can and can't live with. Then sit down with your husband and let him know what you can and can't live with. If he can't change or doesn't want to then you may find your answer.

 

Life is too short to subject yourself to constant unhappiness and resentment and eventually that will affect your children because your emotional well being directly affects them.