bigfed101 Posted June 13, 2017 Author Share Posted June 13, 2017 Thank you everyone for all your replies! I am going to go to lunch now. Thank you. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 I'm sorry but I cant help thinking about Norman Bates and his mother... Your situation is so wrong that I cant begin to emphasize how much you need to get out of that house. Pack up a few things and if you have to go to shelter, go. Dont tell your mother what you are doing. Please please please talk to a therapist as you need a ton of help. Your desire to have no friends or ever marry is going to leave you with an incredibly lonely life. Your mother is beyond ****ed up and isnt about to change. You need to save yourself while you can. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 Bigfed, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can tell that it makes you feel like an outsider, but try not to think of yourself that way. The more I think or compare my life to normal people my age the more painful it is. Try not to compare yourself to other people. Just remember, what you see on the outside isn't always what is real. There are lots of people with unconventional backgrounds, painful backgrounds, who just seem like everyone else--probably just as you do. The internet can be a great tool. Consider reaching out to people on forums for incest support, as well as posting here. Maybe it will help you to see how many people have been affected by similar circumstances, and how they learned (or are learning) to cope and move on with their lives. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 I'm sorry but I cant help thinking about Norman Bates and his mother... Your situation is so wrong that I cant begin to emphasize how much you need to get out of that house. Pack up a few things and if you have to go to shelter, go. Dont tell your mother what you are doing. Please please please talk to a therapist as you need a ton of help. Your desire to have no friends or ever marry is going to leave you with an incredibly lonely life. Your mother is beyond ****ed up and isnt about to change. You need to save yourself while you can. Omg, exactly what I was thinking. I just finished watching the series, and instantly thought of it while reading this poor man's story. I really hope you find help & peace OP!!!!! Link to comment
Broomwood Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 This is going to be tough to digest. How do I incrementally distance myself from her? I don't want to do a compete 180 and just leave immediately No! You mustn't show one bit what you're intending. This is critical. Your mother knows you better than you know yourself. You have to act your usual and regular self. So split yourself up into two people - one old and obedient for when you're around her, dad, and other family members, and the other - daring and cold blooded when you are alone. Your head has to stay very cool. Don't get excited. Instead think of all the ways it can go wrong and make sure you have clear provisions for these. Such as you freak out, you don't make friends because you never have, you don't have a support group, you're alone, you are suffering, you need attention and care, etc. What would you do in those situations? Where will you go? Do not underestimate your huge emotional dependency on her, and your lack of real life experience in this imperfect world. To carry this out successfully is a lot of work. If you betray your thoughts by some acton or words, you'll alarm her, and she'll do all she can to change your mind, and she can do a lot. To be a good strategist you need to make sure the enemy is asleep. It's better to be over prepared than under prepared. Think of what happened to Scott versus Shackleton expedition. For example, say you went and talked to some old people about a spare room, and mentioned where you live. Now what if they know someone who knows her, and the word of you looking for a room reaches her? Or you sign up for some support group bla bla, and their marketing materials arrive at our home address, and she finds them. What will you say to lull her to sleep? Things like that. When all parts of your master plan are ready, and you're ready to jump, carry it out as if nothing happened. Leave things around behind you. etc. You can say that you pop out for a newspaper. And then off you go. Then perhaps send her an email saying "Mum, I am gone. I'm safe and starting life on my own. Take care" Do not maintain any kind of correspondence with her. You'll have to cut her off for some years until you've healed and digested this experience. Link to comment
NightLily Posted June 14, 2017 Share Posted June 14, 2017 That's a good idea. Yes. I've been saving $500 in a savings account every month. Not much but better than nothing. You have a job so that is really all the savings you need. Even though rent is high in SF, you can look slightly on the border or outside and look for shared houses on craigslist. If you focus your search around universities you should definitely be able to find rent for $700/month or lower. That is what I do and it is perfectly fine. Get the email from craigslist, tell them your job and how long you are looking fro a lease for (6 months? a year?) and then ask then if and when they are available for a showing. I guarantee you, you could have a place within two weeks or less from now. I have been able to find a place and move within a week using this method. I don't think you should consult with your mom about this. You are 29, and at this point you need to either stand up for yourself or lay down. If she wants you in her life, she will accept you even if you don't live at home. IF she doesn't, she is a grown woman and that is her choice. You can do it! Seriously, you have enough money in savings already. Find a place and move out even if all you have is a backpack of clothes and a sleeping bag. Trust me, I lived like that for a decent period of time after starting my phd and it was totally doable. Overtime you will get more stuff and more comforts. Join meetup.com or something since you are living in a city there are plenty of opportunities for you to get out and meet people. It might be hard and you may find you become depressed, you might find you need to take medication to treat your depression after the mental abuse, but resolve to yourself to fix this before you are 30. A parents job is to prepare you for the real world so you can go out and be healthy and a normal functioning person. You are not her pet dog. Link to comment
Esglee Posted June 15, 2017 Share Posted June 15, 2017 This woman is selfish and sucking the life out of you. I am a mother of a 35 year old son, and, I want him to live his own life. Link to comment
bigfed101 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Share Posted June 21, 2017 Half my paycheck goes to pay her parent plus student loan which is under her name and the loan lender keeps saying to me that my mother signed to agree paying it off. Also my mom makes me sign onto her Wells Fargo and manage her accounts. She says she doesn't know how to use her online accounts. If I leave the house for example next week who will pay her $1000 a month loan bill? She doesn't know how to make online payments either. She will blame me for all her problems and my selfishness too Link to comment
bigfed101 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Share Posted June 21, 2017 I'm really feeling depressed today because I wish I could handle my mothers response when I ask permission to leave her home for a new home. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.