Moving on from Incest

[bigfed101]

Has anybody here been in this situation? And how do you deal with it without going insane?

 

For 18 years of my life my mom made me sleep in her bed with her at night. My mom threw a tantrum when I asked if I could go to college far away. So instead I had to go to a local university and live at home. My weekends comprises of driving my mother to the supermarket and mall. My mother refuses to learn to drive. Her husband has been sleeping in the living room sofa since I was a child. They hate each other.

 

I am now about to turn 29 years old. And my living arrangements are still the same due to financial difficulties and my deep emotional connection to my mom.

 

I currently work for the government as an office clerk. But half my paycheck goes to my moms parent plus student loans for my past college years. And SF Bay Area rent is very expensive.

 

I choose not to have friends or get married in the future. My mother looks down on the crazy people who want to get married. And I do not leave the house at night when my mother is home because of the guilt of disobeying her. My mother gets upset when I want to have a shorter haircut like adults my age.

 

My mother wants me to get a better paying job and she says she needs the money to divorce my dad so that she and I can live together in the house.

 

Whenever I bring up the idea that I AM NOT her husband she gets upset and calls me disrespectful. She says she is the most abused mother in the world and that she carried me in her stomach for nine months.

[LaHermes]

Bigfed:

 

Time to move out and get a life of your own, even if it is on the other side of the world!

 

What you describe is utterly abnormal and dysfunctional and nightmarish. Can't believe it.

 

For 18 years of my life my mom made me sleep in her bed with her at night. My mom threw a tantrum when I asked if I could go to college far away. So instead I had to go to a local university and live at home. My weekends comprises of driving my mother to the supermarket and mall. My mother refuses to learn to drive. Her husband has been sleeping in the living room sofa since I was a child. They hate each other.

 

How can someone have this awful toxic hold over you.

 

You do need help, OP, and as soon as possible.

[bigfed101]

Bigfed:

 

Time to move out and get a life of your own, even if it is on the other side of the world!

 

What you describe is utterly abnormal and dysfunctional and nightmarish. Can't believe it.

 

For 18 years of my life my mom made me sleep in her bed with her at night. My mom threw a tantrum when I asked if I could go to college far away. So instead I had to go to a local university and live at home. My weekends comprises of driving my mother to the supermarket and mall. My mother refuses to learn to drive. Her husband has been sleeping in the living room sofa since I was a child. They hate each other.

 

How can someone have this awful toxic hold over you.

 

You do need help, OP, and as soon as possible.

 

Thank you for the advice and the fast response.

[shessofly]

Wow, I'm sorry. What do you want for your life? Sad that she has done this to you.

[bigfed101]

Wow, I'm sorry. What do you want for your life? Sad that she has done this to you.

 

I don't know at the moment. The more I think or compare my life to normal people my age the more painful it is.

[LaHermes]

This appalling state of affairs goes beyond sad. It is criminal, and she should have been reported when you were a child/adolescent. People go to jail here for that kind of thing, and there was one case a few years ago where a woman was forcing her 13 yo son to have sexual relations with her, while also living in squalor with the other children who had no food, heat or clothing. She was jailed, no doubt in a psychiatric facility for criminals.

[j.man]

What the **** does your father say / do about all of this?

 

Just to clarify -- incest is defined by sexual relations. Has this been the case with you and your mother? Inappropriately touching you? You don't have to answer that, but it would speak to even more urgency for you to vacate yesterday, and you should act to protect any other children. Most states have a pretty lengthy statute of limitations when it comes to child molestation. Either way, you should be immediately seeking therapy to get over this. If you work for the government, you should have access to the necessary mental health services.

 

And that's not to say had she not molested you that this isn't beyond ****ed up. Lord almighty. Speak to a counselor and work out the quickest and most concrete plan you get to remove yourself from this situation immediately. It's situations like this where I wish a couple mens shelters existed.

[bigfed101]

This appalling state of affairs goes beyond sad. It is criminal, and she should have been reported when you were a child/adolescent. People go to jail here for that kind of thing, and there was one case a few years ago where a woman was forcing her 13 yo son to have sexual relations with her, while also living in squalor with the other children who had no food, heat or clothing. She was jailed, no doubt in a psychiatric facility for criminals.

 

Thank you for the comment.

 

My mother never had sex with me. All I had to do was sleep with her.

 

And yes this issue was brought up during therapy when I was a teenager. The therapist always kept asking did my mother touch me inappropriately. Due to my parents cultural background no legal action was taken.

[bigfed101]

One of my previous therapists in IOP at Kaiser called my relationship with my mom as "incest"

[LaHermes]

I stand appalled. And fully endorse what JMan just said.

 

What is this supposed to mean, OP?

 

Due to my parents cultural background no legal action was taken.

 

No one is above the law.

 

And this:

And I do not leave the house at night when my mother is home because of the guilt of disobeying her. My mother gets upset when I want to have a shorter haircut like adults my age.

 

Why are you so terrified of her, OP? You need to get professional help at once, and find a place of your own out of this outlandish situation.

[bigfed101]

What the **** does your father say / do about all of this?

 

Just to clarify -- incest is defined by sexual relations. Has this been the case with you and your mother? Inappropriately touching you? You don't have to answer that, but it would speak to even more urgency for you to vacate yesterday, and you should act to protect any other children. Most states have a pretty lengthy statute of limitations when it comes to child molestation. Either way, you should be immediately seeking therapy to get over this. If you work for the government, you should have access to the necessary mental health services.

 

And that's not to say had she not molested you that this isn't beyond ****ed up. Lord almighty. Speak to a counselor and work out the quickest and most concrete plan you get to remove yourself from this situation immediately. It's situations like this where I wish a couple mens shelters existed.

 

My father says for me to just ignore my mother.

 

He doesn't care because he acts single and flirts.

[bigfed101]

I stand appalled. And fully endorse what JMan just said.

 

What is this supposed to mean, OP?

 

Due to my parents cultural background no legal action was taken.

 

No one is above the law.

 

We had family therapy at one point but because my parents are Filipino they gave an excuse that it's the culture. Also my parents yelled at me long ago when Kaiser called to check in if I had my own bed. I was coerced to lie at the moment. Eventually I got my own bed.

[bigfed101]

I stand appalled. And fully endorse what JMan just said.

 

What is this supposed to mean, OP?

 

Due to my parents cultural background no legal action was taken.

 

No one is above the law.

 

And this:

And I do not leave the house at night when my mother is home because of the guilt of disobeying her. My mother gets upset when I want to have a shorter haircut like adults my age.

 

Why are you so terrified of her, OP? You need to get professional help at once, and find a place of your own out of this outlandish situation.

 

I just left a message to my past therapist's voicemail.

[LaHermes]

"....they gave an excuse that it's the culture."

 

And this "Kaiser" outfit swallowed that!!! All they had to do was check with others regarding Filipino culture and they would know this is untrue.

[bigfed101]

Thank you all for the immediate advice.

 

This is very painful for me to accept now. I've been suppressing this past for a long time.

[Broomwood]

The thing is, when I read your original post it all "my mother this", "my mother that", "my mother". It will be very difficult for you to extricate yourself from her claws. By claws I mean her emotional hold on you and her manipulative tactics "I am the most abused mother in the world..".

 

You need to accept that it won't be easy, but it will happen. Adult life on your own without friends or lovers will be lonesome and depressing as you never had this before. So you need to factor this into your decision. In my opinion if you jump ship your attitude towards not having friends has to change. You'll just perhaps not tell them everything until you are ready. So, yes, support will be essential. Think about how you'll get this.

 

In terms of rent. There are lots of old people everywhere with spare rooms in their houses. Think how you can reach out to some and offer either to become their companion - reading books, playing bridge etc - or do some yard work or look after their animals in return for a spare room. Whatever it takes. Just a suggestion.

[bigfed101]

The thing is, when I read your original post it all "my mother this", "my mother that", "my mother". It will be very difficult for you to extricate yourself from her claws. By claws I mean her emotional hold on you and her manipulative tactics "I am the most abused mother in the world..".

 

You need to accept that it won't be easy, but it will happen. Adult life on your own without friends or lovers will be lonesome and depressing as you never had this before. So you need to factor this into your decision. In my opinion if you jump ship your attitude towards not having friends has to change. You'll just perhaps not tell them everything until you are ready. So, yes, support will be essential. Think about how you'll get this.

 

In terms of rent. There are lots of old people everywhere with spare rooms in their houses. Think how you can reach out to some and offer either to become their companion - reading books, playing bridge etc - or do some yard work or look after their animals in return for a spare room. Whatever it takes. Just a suggestion.

 

Wow. This is one of the greatest advice I have ever been given! Thank you

[bigfed101]

This is going to be tough to digest. How do I incrementally distance myself from her? I don't want to do a compete 180 and just leave immediately

[LaHermes]

Bigfed.

 

Some info:

 

Often victims of covert abuse feel “icky” and violated, but can’t put their fingers on the reason why. When someone accuses the perpetrator, the victim often denies it, saying things like, “You’re taking it the wrong way,” or “How could you think that’s what I meant?” Since the act is indirect and inconspicuous, the perpetrator finds it easy to deny it was intentional. Despite their strong feelings, victims are persuaded to believe that their thinking is faulty and give their perpetrators a pass. Clients sometimes can’t identify subtle sexual abuse, even though it made them feel them strange, because she never actually touched them. However, it is abuse because she is touching them emotionally and mentally.

 

"The mother goes unsuspected, her son has no tangible evidence, and it all gets ignored or covered up—even by the son who will repress the memories because he doesn’t want to have to view what happened as abusive."

 

From:

 

an article titled "Mommy Nearest"

 

by Joe Kort PhD.

[j.man]

"....they gave an excuse that it's the culture."

 

And this "Kaiser" outfit swallowed that!!! All the had to do was check with others regarding Filipino culture and they would know this is untrue.

Thing is I can kinda see it. It's a slippery slope essentially making the sharing of beds illegal. Many families, particularly in poorer areas where you've got multi-family small homes / apartments, share out of sheer necessity. For instance, I shared a bed with my mother until about 6 years old. Many here have called that borderline molestation. Now obviously this woman has acted out of pretty much sheer evil. Just saying it's believable this went more or less untouched by authorities due to lack of physical elements.

 

OP-- I know you work, so your options for in-patient care may be limited, but seriously inquire to your therapist about any possible referrals s/he can give you. Ideally, if you can exercise some form of short term disability and pursue in-patient care so that you can receive psychological therapy while completely separate from your mother, that'd be great. Even out-patient options that provide you a room overnight would be good. You've got 29 years of this woman abusing and conditioning you. It's going to take a lot of strength, effort, and exploring of options. I think (or at least hope) that due to you having gone through documented therapy as a child for this, you'll have some real options available. Rooting for you, bud.

[LaHermes]

You have no other choice BigF.

 

"I don't want to do a compete 180 and just leave immediately"

 

She will create such a ruckus otherwise, and is not going to let her "supply" go that easily.

 

Prepare yourself in advance for departure, do not tell her your plans, and when you have found a place to live in then just go. I assume your job gives you enough to live on sharing a house or accommodation somewhere else.

[bigfed101]

Thing is I can kinda see it. It's a slippery slope essentially making the sharing of beds illegal. Many families, particularly in poorer areas where you've got multi-family small homes / apartments, share out of sheer necessity. For instance, I shared a bed with my mother until about 6 years old. Many here have called that borderline molestation. Now obviously this woman has acted out of pretty much sheer evil. Just saying it's believable this went more or less untouched by authorities due to lack of physical elements.

 

OP-- I know you work, so your options for in-patient care may be limited, but seriously inquire to your therapist about any possible referrals s/he can give you. Ideally, if you can exercise some form of short term disability and pursue in-patient care so that you can receive psychological therapy while completely separate from your mother, that'd be great. Even out-patient options that provide you a room overnight would be good. You've got 29 years of this woman abusing and conditioning you. It's going to take a lot of strength, effort, and exploring of options. I think (or at least hope) that due to you having gone through documented therapy as a child for this, you'll have some real options available. Rooting for you, bud.

 

Thank you. Your post makes me cry. But I am hopeful for my own future.

[bigfed101]

You have no other choice BigF.

 

"I don't want to do a compete 180 and just leave immediately"

 

She will create such a ruckus otherwise, and is not going to let her "supply" go that easily.

 

Prepare yourself in advance for departure, do not tell her your plans, and when you have found a place to live in then just go. I assume your job gives you enough to live on sharing a house or accommodation somewhere else.

 

That's a good idea. Yes. I've been saving $500 in a savings account every month. Not much but better than nothing.

[LaHermes]

Yes, Bigfed!!

 

"But I am hopeful for my own future."

 

It will take strength and decisiveness but you cannot imagine now how free and clean you will feel when you get out of her clutches and away from what is essentially a most macabre environment.

[WombatShadow]

bigfed, you need a place where people have lived through what you have and who can help give you advice on how to escape. I'm not sure what the rules are for posting about external forums, but there is a sub-Reddit called JustNoMIL that I think would be of some assistance to you. It started out as a place to complain about crazy mother-in-laws, but has expanded to include actual mothers as well. They're quite resourceful.

 

In the meantime, you should try to look into your options re Parent Plus loan. See if that can be refinanced to be under your name and have lower payments. Also look for roommates, because as you said rent in the Bay Area is impossible on your own. Try to do this without either of your parents finding out.