Changing your partner

[firstluvstruck]

A friend of mine is in a relationship with someone who has some issues with jealousy and anxiety that he's trying to fix but are not going away. The relationship is new. She likes him and says he's a very kind person deep down but is not changing his unhealthy habits or behavior. He is doing the things to change (therapy, doing activities with her) but not actually showing change. Despite her showing him he cares and telling him not to worry he continues to be jealous of nothing. Other issues are not handling stress well and not cutting out stressors like caffeine, smoking.

 

I don't want her to keep investing and get hurt, to settle, or to face these issues 5 years down the line when it's too late to exit; I can't understand her point of view, so I'd like to ask this community if they've ever been with someone who they like and have tried to change for the better (ie, help them relax more and enjoy life, as well as trust you) but this person is not coming around. How long do you put up with it?

 

She sounds fed up with a lot of it yet keeps seeing him...because he is kind and sincere and treats her well.

[LaHermes]

First.

 

" but is not changing his unhealthy habits or behavior"

 

Whatever about him changing all on his own, no one, but no one, should try to change another person. Do not ever enter a relationship with the project of "changing" the other. That is a dead end.

 

How long to put up with it? (i.e. the other not changing).

 

One minute, or better still do not get into that kind of relationship in the first instance.

[reinventmyself]

Raising my hand.

 

You put up with it long enough and after you are done coddling them and helping them with their insecurities, they just continue to escalate.

You say this is a new relationship. Honestly, he's on good behavior now. Imagine how fun he'll be in a year from now.

 

It's just a lesson she needs to learn herself. I get it's hard to watch.

[firstluvstruck]

Honestly, he's on good behavior now. Imagine how fun he'll be in a year from now./QUOTE]

 

That's exactly what I'm afraid of. unless he finally does change, but I'm no psychiatrist so I don't know how long it takes people to really change. I do know from experience it takes active awareness otherwise it will undoubtdedly return.

 

it's been 2 months, it should be all happiness and fireworks at his point, no?

 

Thanks for the replies.

[melancholy123]

You cant make someone change, they have to want to change and then do the work to make the changes and then stick with them. The only person you can control is yourself. If this guy wants to improve himself and needs help with it, he should seek some counselling with a trained person who can guide him along.

 

Also, your friend can of course leave this guy after 5 yrs or any other amount of time, she's not bound to him for life.

[agent1607307371]

Despite her showing him he cares and telling him not to worry

 

This presumes that you can change people with your behaviours. You cannot.

 

Honestly, he should not be dating at this point. He needs to be focussing on himself rather than giving himself a target for his poor behaviour.

 

I mean, it's two months. That's plenty of time to know it's not working.

[firstluvstruck]

I mean, it's two months. That's plenty of time to know it's not working.

 

i think she doesn't want to be alone

[agent1607307371]

If that's the case, she will probably end up in poor relationship after poor relationship.

 

It certainly already sounds like she's decided to stick with this guy.

[reinventmyself]

i think she doesn't want to be alone

And that's exactly what makes her a target for someone like him

[firstluvstruck]

It certainly already sounds like she's decided to stick with this guy.

 

yeah, says he's a work in progress. She sees the good in everyone, hopefully she doesn't have to put up with more drama. I want her to find someone perfect for her. I should probably stay out of it completely.

[LaHermes]

"i think she doesn't want to be alone"

 

How many hundreds of times do we hear this.

 

As in, anything will do provided one is not alone. A dismal, abusive, unproductive, unhappy, miserable "relationship" is better than "alone".

 

I give up.

[firstluvstruck]

You cant make someone change, they have to want to change and then do the work to make the changes and then stick with them. The only person you can control is yourself. If this guy wants to improve himself and needs help with it, he should seek some counselling with a trained person who can guide him along.

 

Also, your friend can of course leave this guy after 5 yrs or any other amount of time, she's not bound to him for life.

 

He is in counseling but it seems like it's not helping yet

[Sportster2005]

You can't change people. End of story.

[coconut5]

She won't be successful on trying to change him. Guaranteed.

.

Are you her "male" friend?

[dihahey]

It sounds like he is trying to grow and become a better person. We should all continue to do this the rest of our lives. Why would it be a problem that he is trying to better himself? It sounds like your friend is just not happy and looking for an excuse out.

[Capricorn3]

A leopard doesn't change it's spots. Just sayin' ...

 

If she thinks she can change him, she's in for a long long long ride.

 

OP: you wouldn't happen to be the "friend/bfriend", would you?

[firstluvstruck]

No this is not me.

 

She doesnt want out. Not yet anyway.

 

I wonder if there is anyone with a positive experience. Ie, with enough patience and perseverance he will finally come around?

[LaHermes]

In the teaching, coaching or even therapy professions this might apply>

 

".....with enough patience and perseverance he will finally come around?"

 

Why would one enter a relationships to make someone "come around".

[mustlovedogs]

No this is not me.

 

She doesnt want out. Not yet anyway.

 

I wonder if there is anyone with a positive experience. Ie, with enough patience and perseverance he will finally come around?

 

With my ex, all I wanted was more communication. He wouldn't tell me I was beautiful, that he missed me, that he was proud of me, that he loved me, etc.

 

To me, those were normal things to say, and I did it so easily, that surely I could just help him learn. I mean, this was his first relationship. Maybe he didn't know what he was doing.

 

I tried to train him for a year and a half. Then HE dumped ME because we had so many fights.

 

Looking back - I thought I was making a reasonable and easy request and, if he loved me, the change would happen. It never did. I should've cut ties soon after I realized this was bothering me and he wasn't doing anything about it.

 

Because people don't change. And I shouldn't have expected him to.

[firstluvstruck]

In the teaching, coaching or even therapy professions this might apply>

 

".....with enough patience and perseverance he will finally come around?"

 

Why would one enter a relationships to make someone "come around".

 

No idea. In really trying to understand her perspective. Right now Im settling with she enjoys his company more than she is annoyed by the flags.

[firstluvstruck]

I have this worry that he will get better for a few weeks or maybe longer, then have the occasional outburst. but she'll be too invested or not see it as a big deal.

[firstluvstruck]

This article seems to provide a way to make it work. I know it's just some person's opinion (and it's the first result on google I clicked on), but if it can work then maybe she's not in an unhealthy relationship?

She's stated that there are still many red flags, that she is annoyed with the clinginess, and that he can't trust her after all this time. but, if she has the patience then maybe it's not black and white?

 

 

[LaHermes]

Listen. Life is far too short for your friend to become an amateur therapist. But, you can take the horse to water but you can't make him drink.

[firstluvstruck]

Thanks LaHermes. And thank you to everyone else. I'm so tired of it at the moment. She's my friend, yeah. but it's her life. I'll express my opinions if asked or warranted but otherwise I'll stay out.