How do you feel if your SO calls someone elses SO beautiful in front of you and

[imfinna]

Just a curious thought...

I'm in the midst of ending things with someone but I was just thinking about some of the issues we had.

 

For instance some real life examples of how he would always introduce his guy friends' girlfriends to me by something like...

 

Example 1:

Him: This is my friend John

Me: Hi John

Him: And this is the beautiful Jane, John's gf

Me: Hi Jane (while feeling awkward about it)

 

Example 2:

Him to his friend Adam: Man, how'd you get so lucky to have such a beautiful gf like Katie!

(As Katie is standing next to Adam) and I shake hands with Katie, again feeling awkward.

 

I told him that it made me feel inadequate and awkwardly uncomfortable whenever he would do something like this. He said that this is just who he is--which I've always known, because I've known him for a long time and he's always called women beautiful in a polite way without trying to hit on them or anything like that. But I just feel like why does someone even do that if they're not trying to put their feelers out or if they're not trying to get some sorta attention?

 

Thoughts? Would this make you feel uncomfortable?

[Wiseman2]

He's complimenting his friends [good fortune, good taste, whatever], not their gfs. He wasn't "hitting on them"

[limichelle]

It seems petty to break up with someone over this. Now if he said "Hello Beautiful" and crammed his tounge down their throat or grabbed their butt. Then I would walk away! He is being polite and you sound over jealous and insecure.

 

Lisa

[imfinna]

I know he's not hitting on them and I understand what you mean plus I know this stems from my own insecurities but I feel it's just a strange thing to feel the need to do...like it's unnecessary. I don't see why anyone would do that in front of their SO...

 

When I'm with someone, even if it's early stage of dating, I wouldn't ever be complimenting other men in front of the guy I'm with because I feel like that would make them feel uncomfortable/they might feel inadequate

[Wiseman2]

It he from a different culture/society from you? It may not seem necessary to you because of your jealousy but it may be necessary from a social intelligence point of view to compliment people. He's not flirting with them.

I feel it's just a strange thing to feel the need to do...like it's unnecessary. I don't see why anyone would do that in front of their

[Krankor]

You're being silly, quite honestly. Unless he follows those comments up with "I wish my girlfriend looked like that" or something along those lines then there is absolutely nothing wrong with him making those kind of comments. Complimenting his friends and their girlfriends is absolutely nothing against you.

[nutbrownhare]

Would this make me uncomfortable? Not in the slightest! He's just being chivalrous, and would probably be horrified if anyone took this to mean he was putting out feelers!

 

I think the underlying problem here is your own sense of inadequacy; take it as read that he thinks you're beautiful - or he wouldn't be with you.

[shessofly]

I know he's not hitting on them and I understand what you mean plus I know this stems from my own insecurities but I feel it's just a strange thing to feel the need to do...like it's unnecessary. I don't see why anyone would do that in front of their SO...

 

When I'm with someone, even if it's early stage of dating, I wouldn't ever be complimenting other men in front of the guy I'm with because I feel like that would make them feel uncomfortable/they might feel inadequate

 

This is the real issue.

 

From your other thread: "The other day he basically broke up with me and said he's afraid of being in a relationship and feels like he'd have to modify his behavior (because I'm a jealous type) so that he doesn't upset me and thinks that this is going against who he is.

 

He said he wanted things to go back to being cool with each other where we don't have any type of expectations of things. Meaning no more intimacy and me moving out of his room."

 

You went from the cool roommate to the controlling girlfriend. Better nip that in the bud or you will continue have problems maintaining a healthy relationship.

 

Are you able to move out? I would do that asap if I were you.

[j.man]

Didn't you just make a thread today about your roommate who's flat out told you he doesn't want a relationship? How does he go from that to "SO" within like 6 hours?

 

But to answer your question, there is nothing wrong with introducing another woman that way, with or without a SO in the picture, but especially if not.

[Starlight925]

Honestly, this sounds like it's just his way. He's trying to be polite, and by saying "This is his beautiful wife Jane," it's his way of complimenting his friend.

 

This has absolutely nothing to do with you.

 

I have a guy friend who is very handsome, and had tons of girlfriends before he finally met "the one," to whom he's now happily married with kids. He says that one of the things he loves most about his wife is how easygoing and playful she is. When he, a typical male, looks at a beautiful woman across the room, instead of his wife getting mad, she'll say, "wow, she's gorgeous!" and they can just go on with their night. He says this allows him to relax, and let his "guy" stuff just be real, and yet, he says, he still gets to go home to his beautiful wife. They are happily married now for 10 years, so I think there's something to be said for her reactions to this type of stuff.

[Unreasonable]

I think the first example is okay. An ego-bump to the friend and his GF.

 

The second, example, eh I don't like. The wording "Man, how'd you get so lucky to have such a beautiful gf?" implies that he is not as lucky. After all, if he were as lucky, he wouldn't need that "tip". Totally rhetorical question I'm sure, and I think he probably meant no harm and the intent was the same as the first, I think it was just poor wording.

 

I think if you have a problem with something your boyfriend says, you should ask him directly.

[Wiseman2]

They are roommates who hooked up a few times last month, not bf/gf.

I think if you have a problem with something your boyfriend says, you should ask him directly.

[Unreasonable]

They are roommates who hooked up a few times last month, not bf/gf.

Oh.

 

10 characters because whatever.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't like it because I don't like when women are introduced that way as if they are prized for their looks especially implying that somehow the friend is fortunate because his SO has attractive physical features. If he said "the lovely Jane" that might be more all encompassing -referring to her personality - but he should know better and not be so intent on that kind of objectifying comment. I think there's a lot more to a person than his/her looks so I would question his values and that habit.

[Doc Blaze]

pick your battles....IMO....

[RainyCoast]

while i wouldn't take offense at all, or jump to the conclusion that he is implying he must not be lucky and i am not as good looking as those girls...

 

 

i find these types of comments...cheap gallantry. used by ppl who think everyone should just be flattered on the most superficial level possible for the receiver to have a good impression of them.

 

meh. i know it's a lot based on a greeting line that could well be an attempt at social graces, and it's highly personal, but i've met enough of these ppl to know i don't click with them. i give them a wide berth.

[mandeelove]

I would not like it. Guys always seem to get away with everything they do. Just say hey this is Jane so and so's GF etc ...and this is MY beautiful gf ( insert your name). Thats the way it should be done. You are not being insecure. Your allowed to want what you want.

[imfinna]

We didn't break up over this--I was just curiously asking about it

[imfinna]

They are roommates who hooked up a few times last month, not bf/gf.

 

Well technically this is true to some degree but it was beyond just roommates who hooked up--he told everyone around him I was his gf...everyone except me

[imfinna]

Didn't you just make a thread today about your roommate who's flat out told you he doesn't want a relationship? How does he go from that to "SO" within like 6 hours?

 

But to answer your question, there is nothing wrong with introducing another woman that way, with or without a SO in the picture, but especially if not.

 

As I stated in the beginning:

"Just a curious thought...

I'm in the midst of ending things with someone but I was just thinking about some of the issues we had."

So I wasn't referring to him as my SO

[imfinna]

I would not like it. Guys always seem to get away with everything they do. Just say hey this is Jane so and so's GF etc ...and this is MY beautiful gf ( insert your name). Thats the way it should be done. You are not being insecure. Your allowed to want what you want.

 

Thank you for this, I completely agree with you

[imfinna]

while i wouldn't take offense at all, or jump to the conclusion that he is implying he must not be lucky and i am not as good looking as those girls...

 

 

i find these types of comments...cheap gallantry. used by ppl who think everyone should just be flattered on the most superficial level possible for the receiver to have a good impression of them.

 

meh. i know it's a lot based on a greeting line that could well be an attempt at social graces, and it's highly personal, but i've met enough of these ppl to know i don't click with them. i give them a wide berth.

 

I couldnt agree with you more on this

[imfinna]

I wouldn't like it because I don't like when women are introduced that way as if they are prized for their looks especially implying that somehow the friend is fortunate because his SO has attractive physical features. If he said "the lovely Jane" that might be more all encompassing -referring to her personality - but he should know better and not be so intent on that kind of objectifying comment. I think there's a lot more to a person than his/her looks so I would question his values and that habit.

 

I think he uses the term "beautiful" to encompass everything like "lovely" does but like someone said in a prior post, poor choice of wording perhaps

[imfinna]

I think the first example is okay. An ego-bump to the friend and his GF.

 

The second, example, eh I don't like. The wording "Man, how'd you get so lucky to have such a beautiful gf?" implies that he is not as lucky. After all, if he were as lucky, he wouldn't need that "tip". Totally rhetorical question I'm sure, and I think he probably meant no harm and the intent was the same as the first, I think it was just poor wording.

 

I think if you have a problem with something your boyfriend says, you should ask him directly.

 

That's exactly how I was thinking, like he wasn't as lucky. I did bring it up to him and he understood where I was coming from but also felt like he had to modify his behavior around me which he didn't like...which was part of the demise of our relationship

[RainyCoast]

i am curious...did you ever have the feeling he thought he knew what you also needed to hear....and used that in a manipulative way kind of?

 

the people with this habit that i have personally met...they seem to assume everyone will bask in an ego-stoke and hence allow them....i dunno...just things they otherwise wouldn't like in a person, friend, partner, coworker...

 

i resent the assumption behind it ya know...implied vapid bimbocity or immaturity...that's how i personally feel, i know not everyone gets that vibe or is sensitive to it.

 

it reminds me of that quote.."i can usually tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks i am".

 

so i pass on people who underestimate others...and overestimate themselves...or project their placid shallow social currency on others.