Why doesn't tinder work for me?

[yeahyeahyeah]

I literally had a different date almost every night of the week using tinder.

 

 

 

First thing I did was get in shape then post it as my picture also I know how to carry a conversation with the lady and her laughing her ass off and I'm good at being flirtatious.

 

 

 

Tinder is strictly for booty calls.... so you have to look good and you have to know how to have a good time ....if you don't ....you won't get much datesor replies.

 

It is frustrating because my friends who are doing well with the exception for 1 are not in shape at all.

 

Also my photos are full on upper body/face shots.

 

I guess I must not be attractive enough.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Isn't it fishy that all of these PUA and "Approach" programs are written by men and not by women, who know how they would want to be approached? Big waste of time.

 

Some, just don't have a lot of time right now

 

 

At the time I did the pick up bootcamps I was desperate, it had been 5 years since my ex girlfriend had broken up with me and I had tried everything that I listed (except online) on the previous page hobbies etc, so was vulnerable. I was literally willing to pay men to help me meet women that wanted to date me. I felt there was something wrong with me.

 

In hindsight, total waste of money, but I totally understand why I did it and it changed my perception on things when it came to dating.

 

When I started going on dates, I realised that there was nothing wrong with me, where the problem was two folds a) not setting up enough dates and b) not going on a date with a woman that finds me attractive, physically and mentally. Also made me realise that dating is quite simple, these approach guys for example would talk a lot about how you need to be your best self before you can land a girl, when it is not true at all. You just need to find someone who accepts you at that moment in time. It does not matter if you are depressed, low on confidence etc. That's it.

 

If meeting someone is important to you, it might be time to make time.

My guy decided enough was enough - he wanted to meet someone - so he went out of his comfort zone. He cleared his schedule a bit. He waited for the time of year he was the least busy to be able to have time for the beginning stages, etc. Either decide in this season of your life you are really busy and just meet someone if it happens, or if it is your primary importance, but yourself in the position to be seen/get met.

 

That's why I do and like online dating, it is an extremely low investment of time and money. Maximum 30 minutes a day.

 

Everything else I listed requires a lot of time if not money. Doing hobbies (which a lot of people recommend) for the sake of lining up dates is also the worse reason to do them.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Have you tried Bumble? Many of my guy friends prefer it over bumble, at least less work for them.

 

No never tried it.

[akrngrl]

I think they're all a numbers game. I have varying degrees of success with each dating app I use at different times, and I've tried/am using quite a few.

 

A lot of times on Bumble and Tinder I've matched with men and reached out only to be ignored.

 

I've been told that the "yes" swipe was actually an accident, and I totally get it as I've done that before (Bumble you scroll vertically to see pics, Tinder calls that motion "Super Like") Sometimes I'll get a match that I swiped on forever ago and for whatever reason I'll no longer be interested.

 

Speaking for myself as a woman, I'm much more likely to accidentally swipe left on someone. That being said I swipe left most of the time based on the first profile picture. Tinder has an algorithm I believe that continuously rotates your profile to the best picture (not sure the legitimacy of it), but that may help.

 

Tinder and Bumble in general leave a lot of the legwork of finding out about a person up to you whereas in a sight like POF or OKC you can often rule people in/out based on preferences listed in their profile. For that reason, you kind of have to take the swiping apps with a grain of salt if you're looking for Long Term.

[ShatteredMan]

"Hi! How's it going?" is weak opener online and in person. Let's face it, there's not a lot of thought being put into that.

 

You should say hello and ask them something about something they said in their profile or something about the location of one of their photos. Also, comment on something that you have in common.

 

Then you ask them if they'd like to chat or meet you for a drink after work. That's it. Don't send them anything else until they respond and show interest.

 

If they don't respond or say "no", don't get pissed off. Just let it go and find someone else. Rinse and repeat.

[yeahyeahyeah]

"Hi! How's it going?" is weak opener online and in person. Let's face it, there's not a lot of thought being put into that.

 

You should say hello and ask them something about something they said in their profile or something about the location of one of their photos. Also, comment on something that you have in common.

 

Then you ask them if they'd like to chat or meet you for a drink after work. That's it. Don't send them anything else until they respond and show interest.

 

If they don't respond or say "no", don't get pissed off. Just let it go and find someone else. Rinse and repeat.

 

Not getting any matches to be honest, been 2 weeks and only had 3 matches

[Wiseman2]

What are your settings and filters like, because that's not a rejection thing it's a not getting matched thing. Tinder data mines from fb. When all else fails just redo the whole thing.

Not getting any matches to be honest, been 2 weeks and only had 3 matches

 

"Proper Tinder Account Reset Procedure:

Why would you want to reset (delete and recreate) your Tinder account?

Maybe you’ve thought of a vastly improved bio…

Maybe you’ve acquired superior photos of yourself…

Maybe you believe your account is malfunctioning, or you’ve been shadowbanned…

Maybe you’ve run out of people to swipe on in your area…

…and you want to try again. Recreating your account gives you another shot with the people who previously swiped left on you, and if you’re using a different main picture, chances are 99.9% won’t remember you. Also, you get about two days worth of NoobBoost while Tinder sets your ELO score.

 

Proper procedure, to ensure Tinder itself doesn’t remember you from your last round (in which case you’ll be stuck with your old score and resulting visibility):

 

1. In Tinder’s Settings page, select “Delete Account” and confirm.

 

2. Uninstall the Tinder App.

 

3. Go to your relevant Facebook Account’s Apps page, and remove (unlink) Tinder.

 

4. Log out of Facebook and create a new Facebook account, using a new throwaway E-Mail address.

 

5. Optional: Hand pick 100 likes you’d be happy about sharing with a match. Keep in mind some interests, especially activities such as “watching TV” or “driving” are not imported by Tinder.

 

6. Reinstall Tinder.

 

7. Make sure you’re logged into your new Tinder-Facebook account on your phone, or if you don’t use Facebook’s app, remember your new login details.

 

8. Using your new Facebook account, open Tinder and create an account.

 

9. Enjoy all the matches, but remember the count will drop severely again within the next few days."

[abitbroken]

Everything else I listed requires a lot of time if not money. Doing hobbies (which a lot of people recommend) for the sake of lining up dates is also the worse reason to do them.

 

It doesn't mean you have to take up restoring steam engines or parasailing or something else high cost. It can be a low cost hobby like hiking. Just start doing something other than going to work. Do you ever think about volunteering? Teach a class for seniors to learn to be more confident on computers (even just doing a talk at somewhere) or if your job is cyber security - talk to parents at the school about keeping their kids safe (divorced moms of grade school kids or the young unmarried aunts or younger teachers are women who could have you on their radar after that).

[thealchemist]

People are giving you sound advice. Someone without hobbies appears pretty bland. You say that a woman should like you for your current self, even if it is deeply depressed and lacking confidence. Being in a relationship with someone who is depressed is a lot of work. It does really seem like you do need to work on yourself if you want a healthy lasting relationship. You might want to seek help if you are so depressed with the prospects of a relationship. You also say you like online dating because it takes less time. Well it is also inherently a bit more shallow too.

[yeahyeahyeah]

People are giving you sound advice. Someone without hobbies appears pretty bland. You say that a woman should like you for your current self, even if it is deeply depressed and lacking confidence. Being in a relationship with someone who is depressed is a lot of work. It does really seem like you do need to work on yourself if you want a healthy lasting relationship. You might want to seek help if you are so depressed with the prospects of a relationship. You also say you like online dating because it takes less time. Well it is also inherently a bit more shallow too.

 

Just requires time.

 

I like music, and go to a fair amount of gigs. I am a history buff, go to museums. This weekend I am going to read a bunch of George Orwell books. But I do not have a hobby I do every single week.

 

If a girl does not like you online, that won't fancy you in real life from experience. Physical attraction is key, otherwise you are just a friend.

[thealchemist]

Concerts, libraries, and museums are fine places to start. You are a lot more likely to find a meaning relationship starting there then Tinder. Also, I've seen a lot of guys that have issues finding women because they are pretty shallow themselves. You haven't stated anything showing this but just throwing it out, its pretty common. There is also nothing wrong with improving yourself. You act like you shouldn't have to change anything about yourself but its is obviously not working as it is. If you want a change then try some change

[yeahyeahyeah]

Concerts, libraries, and museums are fine places to start. You are a lot more likely to find a meaning relationship starting there then Tinder. Also, I've seen a lot of guys that have issues finding women because they are pretty shallow themselves. You haven't stated anything showing this but just throwing it out, its pretty common. There is also nothing wrong with improving yourself. You act like you shouldn't have to change anything about yourself but its is obviously not working as it is. If you want a change then try some change

 

 

I am not trying to come across as stubborn, but seriously I have tried the whole hobbies approach and it just didn't work

 

 

 

See this thread.

 

Doing hobbies is fantastic, but it is the same as everything else in person. It is extremely hard to know if girls are interested in you just by turning up, whereas online (not exclusively Tinder), it is a lot easier since if they talk to you, they are interested. Meaning that I don't have to spend twice as much time trying to figure out which girl is attracted.

 

If say I went to a museum today, how do I meet a girl, just randomly approach her and introduce myself? Then do that + 20 times, doubt the first girl will be into me.

[thealchemist]

Just go to the museum to enjoy yourself. Go read at the park and enjoy yourself. When you can enjoy yourself then you can attract an SO. Obviously the online dating scene isn't working for you either otherwise this post wouldn't exist. Work out and try to get in better shape. Don't do it so you will have a girl think you are more attractive. Do it to gain some confidence, have better health, help with your depression. Those things will help out a lot. It really isn't so much as looks as confidence but working out helps both so why not? I mean, would you want to go out with you right now?

[Ally1194]

Coffee Meets Bagel is an amazing dating app. Best of luck.

[used2blue]

Because you are expecting something out of an app that is filled with people that are just playing a game.

Don't rest your emotions on tinder.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Coffee Meets Bagel is an amazing dating app. Best of luck.

 

Ok downloaded, let's see how it goes.

 

Tried Tinder Today - no matches

[yeahyeahyeah]

Just go to the museum to enjoy yourself. Go read at the park and enjoy yourself. When you can enjoy yourself then you can attract an SO. Obviously the online dating scene isn't working for you either otherwise this post wouldn't exist. Work out and try to get in better shape. Don't do it so you will have a girl think you are more attractive. Do it to gain some confidence, have better health, help with your depression. Those things will help out a lot. It really isn't so much as looks as confidence but working out helps both so why not? I mean, would you want to go out with you right now?

 

I would date myself yeah. I am spontaneous, articulate and interesting.

 

A lot of my dates have told me that I am really fun on dates, the problem is as I said, finding women that want to go on a date with me. I have a smaller net in comparison to my mates it seems.

[thealchemist]

Then focus on those positive aspects of yourself and direct your approach at getting dates to show them. You seem to dwell in the negative and it took this long in the post for you to be positive. Your last past has a lot more hope than all the others.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Then focus on those positive aspects of yourself and direct your approach at getting dates to show them. You seem to dwell in the negative and it took this long in the post for you to be positive. Your last past has a lot more hope than all the others.

 

I am just frustrated.

[thealchemist]

Deleting legit comments...

[notalady]

I would date myself yeah. I am spontaneous, articulate and interesting.

 

A lot of my dates have told me that I am really fun on dates, the problem is as I said, finding women that want to go on a date with me. I have a smaller net in comparison to my mates it seems.

 

Are your mates Indian too? Or are they white guys?

 

I saw this stats done by OK Cupid ages ago regarding response rate by race, might be of interest if you haven't seen it.

 

 

 

To be fair, it's not nearly as common to see white female dating Asian or Indian males, a lot more common to see women from various races dating white males, and the stats seem to support that.

 

So it could be as simple as that, given your preference to date white females, that could explain your lower response rate.

 

It's not necessarily a racism thing, but could be simple as, the perception is Asian and Indian males are more traditional and will expect their wives to fulfil certain roles or act certain ways, which most women (especially white women) these days aren't interested in doing, so they might filter these races out without even considering them individually. Or they just don't find certain races attractive, sounds racist but I'm sure we can all say there are certain races we're more attracted to than others, as you yourself also admitted.

 

Since you've actually met quite a few women from online and even had a relationship with someone you met online, I would say you're doing something right. The response rates for online dating is low to start with, even lower for certain ethnic groups, so, I would say just keep doing what you're doing, just add in more channels to meet people in real life, yes it's more time consuming but if you're serious about meeting someone, it may very well be worth dedicating some time to. Meeting people in real life gives you the advantage to show your true self, rather than a profile online that people may have filtered out to start with (so you didn't even have a chance to be seen).

[Ms Darcy]

To be less than politically correct, looking at OK cupid data, white women will tend to prefer to date white guys and Asian men are least preferred. White guys will tend to prefer to date white women and Asian women. Black women are least preferred.

 

No judgement. It just is what it is.

 

Does racism have anything to do with it? Well, we all have our own issues. If we can live in a world where people are continually devalued for their skin color and pretend that we are not effected, we are lying to ourselves.

 

But can you do anything about that in terms of trying to get more dates? Nope.

 

Having said that, be prepared for statistically significant less success with your preferred female demographic.

 

But, there are so many people in the world, it's very possible to find what you are looking for. Just be prepared for it to take a long time.

 

And honestly, meeting women in real life is a real advantage. Women (and men) are more likely to date outside of their race if they meet you and know you and feel an attraction (if they had ruled out the possibility online).

[yeahyeahyeah]

Are your mates Indian too? Or are they white guys?

 

1 is Chinese, he is having no problems at all with all races. Majority of his matches are white and I know he is not lying since he sent me a tonne of screen shots on whatsapp. He uses Tinder.

 

2 of my friends are white, same as the Chinese guy, they are having absolutely no problems at all with girls of all races on tinder.

 

1 out of the 2 white guys is now in a long term relationship from a girl he met on tinder. The remaining single white guy keeps on raving on about how he is getting many matches on Tinder, how in the last 2 weeks he has had 20 matches. Frankly, I find him annoying, probably out of jealously. To be fair on him, he never had problems with women since university days and without dating apps, I was always the one struggling pre dating apps.

 

1 is black, he has been complaining that he is being matched with women with kids from plenty of fish, I do not know what race these women are but I suspect that they are black since he likes black girls.

 

I saw this stats done by OK Cupid ages ago regarding response rate by race, might be of interest if you haven't seen it.

 

 

 

To be fair, it's not nearly as common to see white female dating Asian or Indian males, a lot more common to see women from various races dating white males, and the stats seem to support that.

 

Thanks for the link, I have read it before.

 

I live in London, so I hoped things were a bit more diverse here, but yes I do agree, I do not know of any white/indian couples aside from within my own family. I do know of interracial marriages though, quite a few of my black friends are with white women. Another friend, Turkish is the same.

 

So it could be as simple as that, given your preference to date white females, that could explain your lower response rate.

 

It's not necessarily a racism thing, but could be simple as, the perception is Asian and Indian males are more traditional and will expect their wives to fulfil certain roles or act certain ways, which most women (especially white women) these days aren't interested in doing, so they might filter these races out without even considering them individually. Or they just don't find certain races attractive, sounds racist but I'm sure we can all say there are certain races we're more attracted to than others, as you yourself also admitted.

 

Probably the later. Think most white women , the young ones know that we aren't all traditional, you have people like Amir Khan in the mainstream media.

 

Since you've actually met quite a few women from online and even had a relationship with someone you met online, I would say you're doing something right. The response rates for online dating is low to start with, even lower for certain ethnic groups, so, I would say just keep doing what you're doing, just add in more channels to meet people in real life, yes it's more time consuming but if you're serious about meeting someone, it may very well be worth dedicating some time to.

 

 

Ok so here are my stats:

 

Eharmony (last 6 months)

 

- 4 dates, all white.

- perspective leads: 20 mainly white

 

Perspective leads, mixed bag, some matches I do not pursue anything with because I do not find attractive, others do not respond anyway.

 

Okcupid (last 4 months) - signed up in January I believe

 

- 1 date

- perspective leads: 30

 

The majority have been white funnily enough. Quite decent response rate, problem is I have not found many of the girls attractive on here, with the exception of the one I have dated.

 

 

Tinder (last 1 month) - signed up this month

 

White

 

3 matches

 

response rate: 0%

 

Sent a message to 2/3 they both did not respond.

 

Asian

 

2 match

 

response rate: 50%

 

I did not send a message to either, one sent a message to me first

 

Black

 

1 match

 

response rate: 0%

 

I was ignored.

 

To conclude, what I have definently seen online is that less attractive women generally make much more of an effort than the attractive ones. I have had girls of all races, white and asian predominantly message me first. Anyway this is a large reason why my actual date count is very low. Many of the girls I get matches with are extremely overweight, or just not my type physically even if they are average shape. Before anyone accuses me of being shallow, all I am looking for body type wise is someone average, same goes for looks. My ex who is white wasn't in the greatest of shape but I was attracted to her.

 

How many women I need to go through before getting a match:

 

100s literally.

 

Meeting people in real life gives you the advantage to show your true self, rather than a profile online that people may have filtered out to start with (so you didn't even have a chance to be seen).

 

Sceptical, the friend I wrote about who is doing well online raving on about Tinder was doing x20 better than me in real life, at university etc

 

During my teens, and early/mid 20s I was not using any dating apps, and I went on

[yeahyeahyeah]

Coffee Meets Bagel is an amazing dating app. Best of luck.

 

Been on this for 2 days, got 3 matches - all indian girls.

 

I guess race is a factor online, which sucks.

[TheRawTruth]

Well first off, your opener was "Hi." Even as a GUY, I'd ignore that. (And we WANT women to message us.) It tells me nothing about her personality, it's boring, and it sounds like EVERYBODY ELSE. So if I got one girl sending me "hi", and another one complimenting my profile or something else for me to RESPOND to, which girl do you think is getting an answer first?

 

Well, women are even WORSE than us when it comes to being picky because they have more OPTIONS than we do. They get messages ALL OF THE TIME. So if they log on and have 30 messages, ask yourself if yours would stand out. Ask yourself if it was enough to be better than the other 29, or even 20. If it's not, erase it and type something else. Maybe even ask your friends how THEY get so much success. They might share some of their secrets.

 

Now, I've never used Tinder, but I've used OTHER dating sites. Be funny, creative, and INTERESTING. (Obviously it doesn't hurt if you're good looking either.) You will have a bit more success.