How long were you with your spouse before you knew you wanted to marry them?

[thornz]

I can tell you that this kind of thread/your question is not going to answer your concerns about your own relationship. You need to stop beating around the bush and find the problem in YOUR relationship, not what everyone else had. Comparing your relationship to others is not going to lead you the road to happiness within your own partnership with someone else.

 

It sounds like you don't really know what to expect or want in a relationship. In addition, one year of dating is WAYYY too soon to look at marriage. People who get married too soon before getting to know each other have a high probability of divorcing because they either:

1. Choose to ignore the deal breakers and think it can be changed.

2. Haven't realized the deal breakers until later on in the relationship.

 

Ok, red flags. What are they? How tolerable are they? Are they not tolerable?

 

This thread will definitely help, I usually need discussion to figure things out. It helped me realise to know whether my partner is right for me I need a clear understating of what I consider marriage material and to establish if my partner meets the criteria.

 

I think it's perfectly acceptable to think about marriage at any point, even if you're single it's a good idea to know whether it's important to you and why/why not.

 

There's absolutely no chance of me getting married too soon as I stated I'd rather have a solitary life than marry the wrong person. I won't even consider living with my partner before 18 months let alone marriage.

 

I am under no illusions that people change for you and I'm trying to get a clearer understanding of my deal breakers so I don't end up with someone who I later want to divorce.

 

Courtesy of my ex I have a clear idea of how a relationship shouldn't feel and courtesy of my current partner I have some indicators of positive traits that are important to me.

 

I have some very niche requirements for a husband.

 

The most basic level deal breakers would be lying or deliberately misleading me.

 

Regular drug taking or excessive drinking.

 

Being feeble.

 

Being materialistic or superficial.

 

Being racist or homophobic

 

Being a prude or sexually judgemental.

 

I will start a new thread or journal on what is husband material to me.

[thornz]

Oh plus not been married before and no kids.

[Snny]

So clearly you are not looking for advice, yet this is an advice forum. Why be so cryptic?

 

I can tell you got something to hide.

[thornz]

So clearly you are not looking for advice, yet this is an advice forum. Why be so cryptic?

 

I can tell you got something to hide.

 

Not cryptic whatsoever, I responded to your post very thoroughly and this site is not purely for advice.

 

You're correct in this instance I didn't request advice, I wanted to hear people's experiences to help me trawl through how I'm feeling to reach a solution and move forward. Any advice that could help me work to do that is a bonus.

[Batya33]

So I did many of these surveys when I was deciding whether to marry a particular person - drove myself crazy in the process. It seemed like a good idea but everyone's story and reasons and motivation is so individual. And of course I was asking because I had doubts. When you are sure or reasonably sure you do seek input it's more about the secrets to a happy or healthy marriage but from the perspective of confidence in your chosen person.

 

So when I became the right person and found the right person - he had been the wrong person 8 years earlier. And when he was the right person I knew on our first date back together- I mean it was like a loud internal message "I have to marry this man". And guess what - because of our history I did get doubts a few months later and he was ready to get engaged and I wasn't. And we almost broke up. But we didn't. And the doubts resolved - and without needing anyone else's experiences to convince me nor did I seek them out this time because the fear - the doubt - simply wasn't strong enough to overcome the rightness and the love.

So we married 3 years after getting back together and most of that time we were long distance. We became parents about 2 months after marriage and I relocated from my life long home town a few months after that.

 

We've been married 8 years. Do I ever have doubts that I made the wrong choice in him as my husband? No. Am I ever really angry at him so that at that moment I want to leave? Yes. Those are two different things. I have never left (ok one time I walked out for 45 minutes for retail therapy at the closest store - a gay book store lol and got the sympathy of the lovely lesbian cashier). But when I left I told him I would be back and just needed some air and space - I did not play a game or try to manipulate or scare him that I actually was leaving.

 

Is it marital bliss? No. It's challenging at times. But at least to me you don't stay happily married for the bliss of it, you stay because you feel deep down and know that you are committed to this person and to your family - not based on the highs of marriage but based on the more solid love and commitment.

 

If you think you need to feel thrilled and excited most of the time to be sure about your choice I would say that it's going to be tough to stay happily married. I've heard of exceptions - people who say they are madly in love and always blissfully happy. Ok not doubting it just saying I don't think happy marriages require that level of intensity that much of the time. If you also truly want to be married and believe in the institution of marriage you won't need that level of constant intensity to motivate you to stay married or happily married.

Having almost settled for marriage a few times I'm a big fan of making sure you're not settling and again on the other extreme I know of perfectly happy marriages where if you read between the lines it's obvious one or both settled and they are happy to stay in their marriages for their own personal reasons.

 

As I wrote above I think surveying individual choices in deciding to marry is unproductive and potentially harmful but seeking input from trusted friends on what makes a happy marriage once you feel secure on your choice can be very helpful. It was and has continued to be for me.

[Ms Darcy]

If he's 9 years older and you are finishing school, I would say that you two are in different places in life.

 

I agree with Snny that you should be focused on school. Are you in your early 20s? If so, then it's normal to be more focused on school than marriage. In fact, it's a good thing.

[Jibralta]

As I wrote above I think surveying individual choices in deciding to marry is unproductive and potentially harmful but seeking input from trusted friends on what makes a happy marriage once you feel secure on your choice can be very helpful. It was and has continued to be for me.

 

I agree with you that when I found the right person, my 'questioning' practically vanished. But I don't agree that polling strangers is unproductive or potentially harmful. I think it's part of a process for some people, as valuable as Process is in any art.

[Batya33]

I agree with you that when I found the right person, my 'questioning' practically vanished. But I don't agree that polling strangers is unproductive or potentially harmful. I think it's part of a process for some people, as valuable as Process is in any art.

 

In this specific instance -deciding whether to marry a specific person and asking "how did you know he was the one" to me is more head spinning than helpful. Asking specific questions about compatibility - like marrying a smoker or someone who wants to live a certain lifestyle, etc -can be very helpful. I was being specific because in general information from trusted friends can be helpful of course. I didn't want what I wrote to be misinterpreted as broader. I also think with the more amorphous question the OP is asking a therapist might be more helpful. I did speak to counselors and even religious figures -but again because it is so individual the best advice was that I shouldn't seek out how others knew or decided someone was the one.

[thornz]

If he's 9 years older and you are finishing school, I would say that you two are in different places in life.

 

I agree with Snny that you should be focused on school. Are you in your early 20s? If so, then it's normal to be more focused on school than marriage. In fact, it's a good thing.

 

I'm 30 and finished school 14 years ago!

 

I work full time and am studying part time (distance learning) in order to achieve chartered status. I will be starting another study module in January after a break since last October. My partner has bought a house to renovate and make money on and potentially will buy another after that so we will both be preoccupied with our individual projects when I'm back at university.

[thornz]

I agree with you that when I found the right person, my 'questioning' practically vanished. But I don't agree that polling strangers is unproductive or potentially harmful. I think it's part of a process for some people, as valuable as Process is in any art.

 

I'm finding it very helpful. The polling is not to measure my partner against, rather to stimulate myself when considering what criteria I ought to measure my partner against. At present I don't entirely know. I just have thoughts forming.

[Batya33]

I'm finding it very helpful. The polling is not to measure my partner against, rather to stimulate myself when considering what criteria I ought to measure my partner against. At present I don't entirely know. I just have thoughts forming.

 

I read in an article about marriage/knowing that it's concerning if you have to make a pros/cons list to decide whether to marry someone. I think you need to look within yourself as far as criteria in general and decide which are dealbreakers and which are negotiable. It's very personal and individual.

[thornz]

I read in an article about marriage/knowing that it's concerning if you have to make a pros/cons list to decide whether to marry someone. I think you need to look within yourself as far as criteria in general and decide which are dealbreakers and which are negotiable. It's very personal and individual.

 

I agree that it's very personal, however I find introspection easier when I have stimuli. I will respond to your earlier post in detail later.

[thornz]

I'm also quite aware that the range of criteria I know so far might be somewhat hard to find or unrealistic. When my partner expressed his reason for dating was to settle down and marry I told him I didn't expect to marry due to my requirements being unusual but that I'm open to it if I find the right person.

[Batya33]

I'm also quite aware that the range of criteria I know so far might be somewhat hard to find or unrealistic. When my partner expressed his reason for dating was to settle down and marry I told him I didn't expect to marry due to my requirements being unusual but that I'm open to it if I find the right person.

 

Sure, that's a very open and honest response and glad he was honest about his intentions. It's interesting that he continued to date you given his goal (if it had been me I probably wouldn't have taken the chance because it's a huge emotional and time investment for someone who isn't equally enthusiastic about marriage as a goal).

[mustlovedogs]

You and your partner are actually at very similar life positions I think.

 

That being said - I personally don't think it's a great sign that you have so many doubts.

[Fudgie]

Thornz

 

It's good to think about your own personal criteria and to make lists and to be self reflective. Really, I think it's great. I get that many women feel that "oh wow aha" moment when it comes to marriage but I'm inherently a doubtful, suspecting person and I will never feel that way because I don't feel that way about anything in my life.

 

And you know that's okay. I've been in therapy and I've realized that some of us just aren't the starry-eyed type and that if you wait until "you meet the right person who does make you go ga-ga" then you're going to end up alone.

 

Figure out your own criteria and go from there, see if he fits.

[Batya33]

I agree that it's very personal, however I find introspection easier when I have stimuli. I will respond to your earlier post in detail later.

 

Yes, making a list of your own criteria can be very helpful. Asking others how they "knew" as opposed to what criteria they looked for in a mate is far less helpful. It's a big difference - because even though criteria can be individual/personal, the amorphous "how did you know" is going to make your head spin and on balance the "nuggets" you hear that resonate will be outweighed by the head spinning.

 

For example just a personal experience -about 15 years ago, on a new year's eve, I was struggling as to whether to commit to my long term boyfriend -he wanted marriage, I had doubts. She sat me down and lovingly lectured me. Lovingly. She was single but her sister married on the older side (late 30s) and went through a thought process in deciding whether to marry her (husband) -a lot of it had to do with a very head/logical approach (and yes she loved him) - my friend focused on how her sister made a carefully thought out decision rather than waiting for that aha moment or to "feel sure". And oh wow -her sister was happily married, cute kids, nice husband, etc.

 

I went home that night on cloud nine - such a relief -finally I had permission to not feel sure but instead to convince myself to be sure because of all the wonderful qualities my partner had, what a fabulous husband and father he would make, how my doubts - which manifested as anxiety/tension/sometimes panic/insomnia, etc - really meant nothing in the face of all this good stuff.

 

That relief, that peace lasted a very short time. Because my internal doubts, my body telling me that something wasn't right -that won over -for me it was about intensity -some doubts are normal and one way you know they are normal is because your solid foundation, that peaceful easy feeling, that rightness - that wins over and it's really no contest - you can easily talk to yourself or air it out with a friend and you continue to feel secure in your choice, you just are having a moment, or an hour.

 

Now it could have been "commitment phobia" (oh, I wanted it to be because then it wouldn't be him -it would be me and I could work on that) - but it wasn't. It was a wonderful guy who I loved AND who wasn't a good long term match for me. Which led to a lot of heartache for both of us as we broke up/got back together over this issue. I made a huge mistake in continuing to subject him to getting back together although my family and friends say that each time it was his choice(yes I was open about my doubts!!!). Anyway - even after the last time we broke up, it took me 4 months until finally, I had an aha moment based on a casual conversation with a mutual friend (no mud slinging or judgment -we both think he is a great guy) and it clicked for me why we could never work as a couple. And then I gave myself closure. I hope for you that you never drag things out as long as I did, that you can discern the difference between what is a normal doubt and a gut feeling, manifested in strong doubt which probably means "don't" (meaning "not sure" means "don't" when the doubts are that strong).

 

And if it is actually a general fear like commitment phobia be open to that but if so, let him go anyway and work on that. Truth is that I probably got in my own way too - however -and this is key - my ex still would not have been right for me for marriage. He is happily married and in fact we each married within 10 months of each other - and I am very happy he found his person and had the family he wanted so much.

 

I am upset with something my husband did this morning. It's not resolved yet because he just now woke up. I believe it will be but the difference is that things like that don't shake me to the core of our relationship. Just something we need to resolve. I told you not to focus on other peoples' experiences and now I am sharing mine but here's another nugget -if the doubt -whatever it is based on -shakes you to the core of seriously doubting the entire relationship- if you wake up and he says something weird or awkward and that makes you feel so turned off that it shakes you to the core and makes you question all of it - that's concerning. If it shakes you up, fine, but you need to feel that sense of security in the general relationship.

[thornz]

I'm surprised no one has responded to your last post.

 

Focus on finishing school. I strongly, highly suggest waiting until you get your degree than marrying while you are in school. I wished I had waited even though I tied the knot after dating my husband for 10 years. I married while in graduate school... BIG MISTAKE. I did not enjoy wedding planning at all and having to deal with family pressure on what kind of wedding to have (eloping and having the celebration later vs. "big" Catholic wedding). I was incredibly happy the party was OVER. I was too overwhelmed in getting a 4.0 and work a part-time job to secure a career before graduation than to dress shop, pick floral arrangements, food taste test, etc. And then after the party, I just wanted to relax and ENJOY being a wife... Can't when I had group projects, a research dissertation, and unpaid internships. I had too much on my plate, was so stressed out that I had to be on anti-anxiety meds to handle it all... Just a F'ing mess all around.

 

Your first year of marriage will be one of the most challenging aspects of your life. Even when I was dating long term, it did not 100% prepare me. My husband and I had fights (and again, it didn't help that I was still in school and we were living with my parents until I finished). There were times I thought "Wow, F me blind sighted! This was a mistake!" We couldn't get up and leave or stop talking to each other for a couple of days for things to cool down because we shared the same sleeping arrangements.

 

Things got 10x better when I finished school and I finally got the job I worked so hard for.

 

 

Don't overthink this one. Seriously, just go with the flow and have open communication. I do recommend reading a book that discusses needs in a marriage.. It's called His Needs, Her Needs. Even if you aren't married, it's wor a look to understand how needs of men and women are different and how to maintain a happy marriage.

 

Sorry I totally missed this one!

 

My plan was always to complete my degree, progress in my career and own my own home before I even entertained the idea of a serious relationship but plans don't always work out.

 

I expected at my age I would already be very established professionally and in a position to find a partner who wanted the same things, travel together, build a home of our own, experience life together before we adopt some kids.

 

As it stands I'm probably about ten years from that point. When I met my partner and he told me he wanted marriage in his future, even though that's not what I was looking for at that time, I decided that I would continue to date him. Why? Because I expect life might throw much bigger hurdles at us than studying and I don't want to put my life on hold.

 

My studies are intermittent and part time and I don't desire a wedding party. I'll turn up sign the paperwork and go home haa.

 

How old were you when you got married?

[thornz]

So I did many of these surveys when I was deciding whether to marry a particular person - drove myself crazy in the process. It seemed like a good idea but everyone's story and reasons and motivation is so individual. And of course I was asking because I had doubts. When you are sure or reasonably sure you do seek input it's more about the secrets to a happy or healthy marriage but from the perspective of confidence in your chosen person.

 

So when I became the right person and found the right person - he had been the wrong person 8 years earlier. And when he was the right person I knew on our first date back together- I mean it was like a loud internal message "I have to marry this man". And guess what - because of our history I did get doubts a few months later and he was ready to get engaged and I wasn't. And we almost broke up. But we didn't. And the doubts resolved - and without needing anyone else's experiences to convince me nor did I seek them out this time because the fear - the doubt - simply wasn't strong enough to overcome the rightness and the love.

So we married 3 years after getting back together and most of that time we were long distance. We became parents about 2 months after marriage and I relocated from my life long home town a few months after that.

 

We've been married 8 years. Do I ever have doubts that I made the wrong choice in him as my husband? No. Am I ever really angry at him so that at that moment I want to leave? Yes. Those are two different things. I have never left (ok one time I walked out for 45 minutes for retail therapy at the closest store - a gay book store lol and got the sympathy of the lovely lesbian cashier). But when I left I told him I would be back and just needed some air and space - I did not play a game or try to manipulate or scare him that I actually was leaving.

 

Is it marital bliss? No. It's challenging at times. But at least to me you don't stay happily married for the bliss of it, you stay because you feel deep down and know that you are committed to this person and to your family - not based on the highs of marriage but based on the more solid love and commitment.

 

If you think you need to feel thrilled and excited most of the time to be sure about your choice I would say that it's going to be tough to stay happily married. I've heard of exceptions - people who say they are madly in love and always blissfully happy. Ok not doubting it just saying I don't think happy marriages require that level of intensity that much of the time. If you also truly want to be married and believe in the institution of marriage you won't need that level of constant intensity to motivate you to stay married or happily married.

Having almost settled for marriage a few times I'm a big fan of making sure you're not settling and again on the other extreme I know of perfectly happy marriages where if you read between the lines it's obvious one or both settled and they are happy to stay in their marriages for their own personal reasons.

 

As I wrote above I think surveying individual choices in deciding to marry is unproductive and potentially harmful but seeking input from trusted friends on what makes a happy marriage once you feel secure on your choice can be very helpful. It was and has continued to be for me.

 

Unfortunately my inherited predisposition to analyse and disect in minute detail, myself and other people will always cause me to have doubts. I am analytical and suspicious of everything in life until I know otherwise. Then add my upbringing in care between multiple foster homes leaves me with an expectation of and on occasion desiring moving on from whatever job, relationship, house I'm in. I decided roughly around the same time of meeting my partner that I needed to get out of that habit otherwise I would never settle as I'd constantly be looking to flee the present. In the year since I've moved house once, changed my car and been for a job interview at a new place hoping to get a better wage. I'm always looking for an out and will pick apart until I'm satisfied what I've got suits my needs. No right partner will change that aspect of my personality, even 3 years of counselling didn't do it. When I meet the right person though, I will eventually stop questioning when I'm satisfied and just choose to be with them and it's a decision I will make every day from that point forward.

 

What changed in that 8 years that made you the right person and him the right person? I feel I still have things to work on before I marry so maybe that's part of my doubt? I drained all my resources fighting for my last relationship so when it comes to conflict in this one I just CBA with it. I just want to give up and go home so I can have some peace.

 

I'm not interested in being high on love hormones, I actually hate that feeling, I'm not sentimental I just want a partner who respects and values me, who sees me as a priority and treats me well and is a team mate, who if they make the commitment to marriage will honour it and work through any issues we have constructively. Plus similar life goals and interests. If I get married, divorce is not an option so I better choose carefully!

[thornz]

Thornz

 

It's good to think about your own personal criteria and to make lists and to be self reflective. Really, I think it's great. I get that many women feel that "oh wow aha" moment when it comes to marriage but I'm inherently a doubtful, suspecting person and I will never feel that way because I don't feel that way about anything in my life.

 

And you know that's okay. I've been in therapy and I've realized that some of us just aren't the starry-eyed type and that if you wait until "you meet the right person who does make you go ga-ga" then you're going to end up alone.

 

Figure out your own criteria and go from there, see if he fits.

 

Thank God I'm not the only one. I question everything. It's honestly exhausting!

[Batya33]

Unfortunately my inherited predisposition to analyse and disect in minute detail, myself and other people will always cause me to have doubts. I am analytical and suspicious of everything in life until I know otherwise. Then add my upbringing in care between multiple foster homes leaves me with an expectation of and on occasion desiring moving on from whatever job, relationship, house I'm in. I decided roughly around the same time of meeting my partner that I needed to get out of that habit otherwise I would never settle as I'd constantly be looking to flee the present. In the year since I've moved house once, changed my car and been for a job interview at a new place hoping to get a better wage. I'm always looking for an out and will pick apart until I'm satisfied what I've got suits my needs. No right partner will change that aspect of my personality, even 3 years of counselling didn't do it. When I meet the right person though, I will eventually stop questioning when I'm satisfied and just choose to be with them and it's a decision I will make every day from that point forward.

 

What changed in that 8 years that made you the right person and him the right person? I feel I still have things to work on before I marry so maybe that's part of my doubt? I drained all my resources fighting for my last relationship so when it comes to conflict in this one I just CBA with it. I just want to give up and go home so I can have some peace.

 

I'm not interested in being high on love hormones, I actually hate that feeling, I'm not sentimental I just want a partner who respects and values me, who sees me as a priority and treats me well and is a team mate, who if they make the commitment to marriage will honour it and work through any issues we have constructively. Plus similar life goals and interests. If I get married, divorce is not an option so I better choose carefully!

 

Yes, I question everything too and that didn't stop with my current relationship - it's just that the secure and loving foundation and commitment we had to each other balanced any doubts I had and didn't shake me to the core. I love how you've given all this thought and introspection -good for you!!

 

So in 8 years, what changed - he became far more self-confident and changed his career from one he was "eh" about (although very successful) to one he was passionate about and that meant more schooling, starting from square one in a sense, etc -huge change, huge accomplishment, huge change in his energy/presence as a result. Also he had more serious relationships and was less shy -he was very shy as a teenager/ young 20s so he had few relationships before the first time we dated.

 

I also grew into my own in my career, a higher power created far better hair products (only kidding a little bit -nice ego boost to feel more attractive!) and I stopped needing the challenge of an unavailable guy to keep me interested. In my early 20s I was desperate to be married and almost settled (not him, another guy who I got engaged to), and ironically, despite the really loud ticking of my biological clock in my mid-30s I was far more comfortable in my own skin, and not desperate to be married -I wanted marriage and family but not willing to settle to have it.

[thornz]

Yes, making a list of your own criteria can be very helpful. Asking others how they "knew" as opposed to what criteria they looked for in a mate is far less helpful. It's a big difference - because even though criteria can be individual/personal, the amorphous "how did you know" is going to make your head spin and on balance the "nuggets" you hear that resonate will be outweighed by the head spinning.

 

For example just a personal experience -about 15 years ago, on a new year's eve, I was struggling as to whether to commit to my long term boyfriend -he wanted marriage, I had doubts. She sat me down and lovingly lectured me. Lovingly. She was single but her sister married on the older side (late 30s) and went through a thought process in deciding whether to marry her (husband) -a lot of it had to do with a very head/logical approach (and yes she loved him) - my friend focused on how her sister made a carefully thought out decision rather than waiting for that aha moment or to "feel sure". And oh wow -her sister was happily married, cute kids, nice husband, etc.

 

I went home that night on cloud nine - such a relief -finally I had permission to not feel sure but instead to convince myself to be sure because of all the wonderful qualities my partner had, what a fabulous husband and father he would make, how my doubts - which manifested as anxiety/tension/sometimes panic/insomnia, etc - really meant nothing in the face of all this good stuff.

 

That relief, that peace lasted a very short time. Because my internal doubts, my body telling me that something wasn't right -that won over -for me it was about intensity -some doubts are normal and one way you know they are normal is because your solid foundation, that peaceful easy feeling, that rightness - that wins over and it's really no contest - you can easily talk to yourself or air it out with a friend and you continue to feel secure in your choice, you just are having a moment, or an hour.

 

Now it could have been "commitment phobia" (oh, I wanted it to be because then it wouldn't be him -it would be me and I could work on that) - but it wasn't. It was a wonderful guy who I loved AND who wasn't a good long term match for me. Which led to a lot of heartache for both of us as we broke up/got back together over this issue. I made a huge mistake in continuing to subject him to getting back together although my family and friends say that each time it was his choice(yes I was open about my doubts!!!). Anyway - even after the last time we broke up, it took me 4 months until finally, I had an aha moment based on a casual conversation with a mutual friend (no mud slinging or judgment -we both think he is a great guy) and it clicked for me why we could never work as a couple. And then I gave myself closure. I hope for you that you never drag things out as long as I did, that you can discern the difference between what is a normal doubt and a gut feeling, manifested in strong doubt which probably means "don't" (meaning "not sure" means "don't" when the doubts are that strong).

 

And if it is actually a general fear like commitment phobia be open to that but if so, let him go anyway and work on that. Truth is that I probably got in my own way too - however -and this is key - my ex still would not have been right for me for marriage. He is happily married and in fact we each married within 10 months of each other - and I am very happy he found his person and had the family he wanted so much.

 

I am upset with something my husband did this morning. It's not resolved yet because he just now woke up. I believe it will be but the difference is that things like that don't shake me to the core of our relationship. Just something we need to resolve. I told you not to focus on other peoples' experiences and now I am sharing mine but here's another nugget -if the doubt -whatever it is based on -shakes you to the core of seriously doubting the entire relationship- if you wake up and he says something weird or awkward and that makes you feel so turned off that it shakes you to the core and makes you question all of it - that's concerning. If it shakes you up, fine, but you need to feel that sense of security in the general relationship.

 

My head spins most of the time and the discussion provides a focus other than the million things ruminating in my brain.

 

I'll take the thought out decision over the A-ha moment so this is part of the process. I've never had that peaceful easy feeling you describe but now I come to think of it I have had panic and fear and the most awful suffocating feeling that I just need to escape from the person I'm with to the extent that I will become quite aggressive when they don't give me space. I just put this down to my upbringing and commitment phobia. I haven't experienced this with my current partner and actually I'm sitting here quite amazed by it, since I never gave it much thought. Another thing I haven't experienced with him (yet?) which is actually going to sound pretty f*cked up, is an explicable urge to cry after sex on some occasions. Just an overwhelming feeling of upset that I can't place. It could be because I've grown and had counseling and see commitment more positively now or maybe it's him? Every previous relationship I knew at one point that it was going to end and I just waiting for that to happen. It's only the hindsight that made it clear I knew it wouldn't work!

 

What was it that would have caused things not to work with your ex? I'm very aware that it's not fair to string along my partner which is why I'm feeling the need to explore this on here. I actually don't know what his timescale is or if he even wants to marry me so perhaps I'm jumping the gun somewhat. This has been very helpful actually thank you, particularly your comments about the fearful feeling of peaceful feeling. Even though I'm having some concerns that I don't know whether I will want to marry this man in future, there's definitely a strong distinction between how I have felt in past relationships and how I feel in this one. There is no overwhelming (or even remotely discernible) urge to escape and attack if my autonomy or freedom is perceived to be in threat. Wow! Progress

 

In regard to your other post, I believe he chose to continue to date me because he felt he might fit the particular criteria I outlined as likely being an obstacle to finding a mate. I was very candid in sharing that although I want to get married I also wish to foster with a view to adopting an older sibling group and will not under any circumstances have a baby, biological or otherwise. I stated that it's a very important goal of mine that I would not compromise on and as such I likely would not marry as whoever I'm dating would need to be open to that and I'm aware it's a very big ask.

 

About 6 months in we had a discussion that confirmed he was happy to do that, he even went so far as to give his preference to adopt a younger girl! I was so happy that I cried, just to know I was dating someone who would give it serious consideration. The last time we had a discussion about permanent contraception he stated that he didn't see how a child could fit into his life and he's happy just being the awesome uncle. This is the kind of comment that makes me halt and wonder how compatible we are. I'm unsure if he means a child can't fit into his life in the near future or at all, or if he was specifically referring to the potential unwanted pregnancy we were discussing or having children in general, including fostering and adoption.

[Batya33]

I realized with my ex that there was an emotional distance and self/absorption that often made things feel distant and made communication feel forced. Sure it takes two bit I was reacting to his distance. I ended up asking him about this after we broke up - it wasn't an easy conversation but he basically agreed with me. So I'd feel really connected to him but ten he'd get distant again and it was so distant that I'd panic and feel like I lost all my feelings for him. Also honestly I think the chemistry wasn't great - from my end I mean. I admit I'm curious about how he and his wife get along. I met her and thought she was pleasant and all but kind of fake/larger than life. She wanted to meet me very badly about 6 months after they got married.

Anyway I think you're on the right track to getting an answer to your situation. That's very good news that he wants the same type of family structure you do. Parenting is hard enough without being on different pages.

[thornz]

I realized with my ex that there was an emotional distance and self/absorption that often made things feel distant and made communication feel forced. Sure it takes two bit I was reacting to his distance. I ended up asking him about this after we broke up - it wasn't an easy conversation but he basically agreed with me. So I'd feel really connected to him but ten he'd get distant again and it was so distant that I'd panic and feel like I lost all my feelings for him. Also honestly I think the chemistry wasn't great - from my end I mean. I admit I'm curious about how he and his wife get along. I met her and thought she was pleasant and all but kind of fake/larger than life. She wanted to meet me very badly about 6 months after they got married.

Anyway I think you're on the right track to getting an answer to your situation. That's very good news that he wants the same type of family structure you do. Parenting is hard enough without being on different pages.

 

That's an interesting observation with your ex and that's what I feel I did in my previous relationships, I would feel smothered and panic and create distance and sabotage.

 

I found a very interesting podcast that discusses how you can't find the right partner if you don't know what you're looking for so you first have to establish your own values to seek the same in others. It's exactly what I'm going through at the moment! I will start a new thread with a link.

[Seraphim]

Absolutely I would finish school before you get married . We waited until we were done university .