Should I Cut Off the ''Benefits''?

[s0fly]

So I've been casually seeing this guy for almost a year now (on and off). In the beginning we would talk once or twice a week and meet every few weeks or so. He worked a busy schedule and I was doing my own thing/dating other people. I had also just got out of a long relationship at the time so I was cool with keeping things casual as I wanted to enjoy being single for a little while..

 

It's now been about a year later and in the past few months we've gotten much closer. He's been putting in more effort to see me regularly and actually texts me everyday. So it's safe to say I've gotten pretty emotionally attached to him at this point.. He says he hasn't been dating or sleeping with anyone else since September, which is when we started seeing each other more often. I've still been meeting new people and going on dates cause I'm looking for someone I could have a relationship with at this point. So I've had my fun being single and having ''casual'' hookups/relationships. I'm now looking for an actual connection before I get into bed with anyone else.

 

So this has made me re evaluate things with this guy cause I do like him and could see myself in a relationship with him. We've been going on dates and he talks to me everyday. He's always the one to contact me first. So part of me thinks he does like me and is trying to work towards a relationship, but the other part of me thinks he doesn't want a relationship. I just don't know quite where he's at. Lately we're chatting like a ''couple'', calling each other babe & sending kisses to each other via text stuff like that.

 

I would tease him from time to time by saying things like ''Oh I would only do those sort of naughty things with a boyfriend'' and he would respond with ''Well we could work on that'' (working towards a relationship). So I don't know if he actually means it when he says that. That's why part of me thinks he is MAYBE taking things slow and getting to know me more before he asks me to be his girlfriend (commitment issues?). But at the same time I also think, it's been several months now so he should know by now if he wants a relationship with me or not. I mean if you really like someone you'd go for it, right?

 

So this has got me thinking.. I should tell him I want to be platonic friends. I've realized I've gotten too emotionally involved and continuing sleeping with him would only make me feel worse and I don't want to get hurt.

 

Should I just cut off the sex? I'd like to think that if he actually likes me he'd be cool with spending time together without sex and see if it could turn into a relationship. He's already got somewhat of an idea of how it would be like to be in a relationship with me so it's possible he's just interested in the sex and is satisfied with the way things are.

 

And if he starts to see me less and less after I tell him I don't want to have sex anymore until I'm in a relationship then he wasn't the right one. Right?

 

P.S. He is 29, and I am 22. Do you think our age difference may be holding him back?

[Jibralta]

I've always been very direct about these things: "Hey, Name. This has been great. But right now, I'm more interested in having a committed relationship than this casual thing we've got going. Is that something that you're into doing? No? Ok. See you around."

 

No hard feelings. Cuts out the guessing game and I can get on with my life.

[JaggerJim]

I think you should just put the "relationship talk" to the side and see what happens. Eventually it will probably get there. But don't chuck everything away just yet.

 

Signs to walk away for good He stops calling, he stops going on dates, and he stops being nice. Easy signs to tell yourself "This isn't working" and then you can move on.

 

Just give it a bit more of a chance I say.

[Capttrae]

Just ask the guy if he wants a relationship. If yes your golden, if no you know where you stand

[Wiseman2]

Yep, just ask him if he wants to be exclusive and be in a relationship since you are going through all the motions anyway.

[s0fly]

Hm, I feel like it's been long enough though..

[SoulTaker]

Hm, I feel like it's been long enough though..

 

Long enough for what? You entered into a casual setup with him, which makes sense when coming off a long relationship. You now want to change the setup and look for something long term. So, why don't you have a direct talk with him about it, and not assume that he might not want to go in that direction. He should either accept, or reject it (any other response at this point is not acceptable).

 

Also, start initiating contact with him, so that he can know that you have "true interest" in him. I wouldn't think of being serious about someone if they don't show the interest-level by sometimes contacting me first.

[Batya33]

If you're comfortable having him inside of you and risking pregnancy then at least convince yourself you're comfortable enough to be simple and direct- in person!- like Jibralta said. I wouldn't "cut off sex" because if that's why you think he is with you, then what's the point anyway? Certainly you can tell him "if you are not ready to commit but you see potential then I'm not ok having intercourse with you for now because my feelings on that have changed" -don't do it as a test where you withhold sex as some sort of punishment.

[s0fly]

Thank you Soul Taker,

[s0fly]

Thank you Batya, I do plan on being direct and talking to him about this in person.

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, there wouldn't BE any 'benefits' unless and until I'm in a loving, trusting relationship where we've both discussed clearly where we stand--and want to stand.

 

This isn't necessarily a prescription for everyone, but in my own case, I've learned about myself enough to know that I bond when I'm sexual. There's no such thing as 'empty' sex for me. So it makes no sense for me to have sex first and ask questions later, because I've also learned that sex isn't currency we can use to 'get' someone to give us the relationship we want.

 

This isn't a moral finger-wag, it's practical. It's about investing the time and patience to know yourself and learn exactly what you want. If you're relationship material, spell that out honestly from the start before messing with anyone who may NOT want the same relationship you do. In such a case you can walk away proudly instead of trying to manipulate a wrong match into a right one--because that doesn't 'work.'

 

Head high, and respect yourself.

[reinventmyself]

What other choices do you have anyway?

Continue what you are doing and become more attached than you are already?

Stop talking to him or stop having sex and he's now confused as to why because he was left in the dark?

Or tell him what you said previously. Be honest and tell him that you thought you could do this and not get attached.

 

Tell him you respect wherever he is in his life but at this point and time, but you need to do what's right for you and

you are at risk of becoming attached so you need to either see if there is a chance he might feel the same way or not.

Basically. . you need to do something. It's a very brave thing to tell someone you care.

 

If he walks. . then ok. No hard feelings and it saves you for someone else who it equally crazy about you.

No sense wasting your time, not to mention your heart with someone who isn't on the same page.

It's about time you found out.

 

And I agree with Catfeeder. I realized long ago that I can't be intimate with someone without getting attached.

So I don't. I have that discussion with them up front, not after.

[JaggerJim]

Long enough for what? You entered into a casual setup with him, which makes sense when coming off a long relationship. You now want to change the setup and look for something long term. So, why don't you have a direct talk with him about it, and not assume that he might not want to go in that direction. He should either accept, or reject it (any other response at this point is not acceptable).

 

Also, start initiating contact with him, so that he can know that you have "true interest" in him. I wouldn't think of being serious about someone if they don't show the interest-level by sometimes contacting me first.

 

Don't you think this could scare him away, and then she's left with nothing? There has to be a better way!

[reinventmyself]

Don't you think this could scare him away, and then she's left with nothing? There has to be a better way!

 

In my opinion. . if a man is afraid and runs, then I'll show him the door.

Nothing? How about her self respect for taking care of herself and acting in her own self interest.

And being on one's own shouldn't be considered as 'nothing'

This arrangement is no longer working for her.

She shouldn't settle just to stay in it when she can be free to find something better suited for her.

[HeartGoesOn]

That's why part of me thinks he is MAYBE taking things slow and getting to know me more before he asks me to be his girlfriend (commitment issues?).

 

How does "taking things slow, and getting to know you" work, when he's been sleeping with you for almost a year already?

[katrina1980]

I think you should just put the "relationship talk" to the side and see what happens. Eventually it will probably get there. But don't chuck everything away just yet.

 

Signs to walk away for good He stops calling, he stops going on dates, and he stops being nice. Easy signs to tell yourself "This isn't working" and then you can move on.

 

Just give it a bit more of a chance I say.

 

To me unless she wants marriage, he is already 'there' but you make a good point Jagger Jim. Things are progressing (see below quote from her first post), and the way I see it OP, you 'are' in a relationship. Just because you haven't labeled it or discussed it, his actions indicate this is an exclusive 'relationship.'

 

 

It's now been about a year later and in the past few months we've gotten much closer. He's been putting in more effort to see me regularly and actually texts me everyday. So it's safe to say I've gotten pretty emotionally attached to him at this point.. He says he hasn't been dating or sleeping with anyone else since September, which is when we started seeing each other more often.

 

 

This IS what a 'relationship' is, exactly those things. So you must be doing something right otherwise he wouldn't be progressing this forward the way he has been. So why change what's been working for you? He is getting closer putting in more effort, sees you regularly, texts every day, has been exclusive with you since last September no less. that is SIX months. Isn't this what you want, to me it sounds beautiful, you are growing closer organically which is how it should be at least to me. Or do you just need the label? What is it exactly that makes you want to push for more, risking putting unnecessary pressure on a relationship that sounds lovely the way it is, label or no label? Insecurity? Anxiety? Please don't let those things be the driving force, appreciate what you have and let things continue progressing the way they have been. Actions speak louder than words anyway.

[abitbroken]

This guy clearly is interested. He's told you he has stopped seeing everyone else but you - he didn't run when you said "boyfriend" - he said "we can work on that!" I think that its now or never. Why don't you stop with the side hookups or the casual dating and see how you feel? If you decide you don't want to date him after seeing just him a few months - don't, but what have you got to lose if you like this guy and he likes you? He clearly is initiating contact and is investing in you in that way - why not give it a chance?

 

If you give it a go, and it ultimately doesn't work OR you push him away now because you are afraid to ruin something - the outcome is the same but nothing gained with the latter. OR who knows - he could end being permanent = you never know.

[s0fly]

I guess I'm looking for the "label". He has told me it's exclusive for him, meaning he's not sleeping with or dating other people. BUT he hasn't asked me if i'm dating anyone else or even asked if I wanted to be exclusive. So it makes me wonder if he cares if I date other people or not. Which wouldn't really be a good sign if he doesn't care to know.. I want to know if he expects exclusivity on my end. Because of the uncertainty of what we are, i'm still meeting/dating new people (not sleeping with them).

I don't think I should put my eggs all in one basket until he asks me for exclusivity.

 

My friends think he wouldv'e asked me by now if he really wanted a relatio ship.

 

I just don't know what's on his mind.

[katrina1980]

 

He has told me it's exclusive for him, meaning he's not sleeping with or dating other people.

 

That was your cue to tell him "I'm not sleeping with or dating others either, now that we've cleared THAT up" hehe). Then have yourselves some mind-blowing sex and go from there. Why do you need him to ask you to be exclusive? He told you he is, why couldn't you tell him back that you are? You really like him and want to be, so why not just tell him back? And despite knowing he is exclusive with you, has been contacting you every day, spending more time, getting closer, you are still wanting to meet and date others? May I ask why, I am not understanding that, can you explain, I'm confused. Does he know your still out there dating and meeting others, despite him getting closer, and being exclusive with you since last September? And progressing your relationship forward? How do you think he would feel if he knew that? How would you feel if you found out he was meeting and dating others?

 

You sound very very insecure, not because of him or anything he is doing (or not doing), but in general. Your insecurities are going to blow this.

[s0fly]

You're probably right Prajna, I maybe should have said I wasn't interested in dating others either when he told me it was exclusive for him.

 

I continued dating because I still don't know where it's going (on his end) . I don't want to completely blow off new people that are interested in me cause technically I am still single since he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend/exclusive.

 

As for my insecurities, I'm a pretty anxious person. this is why I prefer a guy to be upfront with what he wants whether it's me or a relationship and somehow he's not opening up to me about that after all this time, I think maybe he has commitment issues? So otherwise my insecurities just get much worse (like right now lol) when I don't know where he stands or what he sees me as.

[s0fly]

Also, maybe our age difference may be what's holding him back from getting into a relationship with me? I am 22 and he is 29 years old. Maybe his friends or family wouldn't approve? I'm not sure, I have yet to meet them. but maybe he just wants to have fun and doesn't take me serious cause of my age.. After all, his ex girlfriends were all the same age as him. I'm the youngest girl he's ever dated.

[abitbroken]

Also, maybe our age difference may be what's holding him back from getting into a relationship with me? I am 22 and he is 29 years old. Maybe his friends or family wouldn't approve? I'm not sure, I have yet to meet them. but maybe he just wants to have fun and doesn't take me serious cause of my age.. After all, his ex girlfriends were all the same age as him. I'm the youngest girl he's ever dated.

 

He's not hesitating. He is volunteering information hoping he'll get the green light from you. 22 and 29 is not a bad age gap. 20 and 27 might be if you were still in school. He put himself out there - he told you he is not seeing anyone else. You could have said "Neither am i". Guys don't have it all figured out either and there is emotional risk for them, too. He is not going to say "i would like you to be my girlfriend" if you are giving him shaky signals that you are not too serious about him. So now is the time that you give him the green light. Regardless of how you started, he is interested in more. He clearly keeps initiating contact, so I suggest you go out on a date. Not a sofa date where you Netflix and chill and have sex but a real date - like going to an art exhibit which means you will be talking, going to a performance, going to a movie and then to a coffee shop to talk - whatever. No date that is just focused on sex. And you make it clear that you are ALSO up for this.

 

I am the youngest my guy has ever dated but at our age 5 years different is considered the same age group.

 

You will discover if 7 years is too wide a gap as you actually date, but you have already been with this guy enough - date him for reals if you want to.

[katrina1980]

You're probably right Prajna, I maybe should have said I wasn't interested in dating others either when he told me it was exclusive for him.

 

I continued dating because I still don't know where it's going (on his end) . I don't want to completely blow off new people that are interested in me cause technically I am still single since he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend/exclusive.

 

As for my insecurities, I'm a pretty anxious person. this is why I prefer a guy to be upfront with what he wants whether it's me or a relationship and somehow he's not opening up to me about that after all this time, I think maybe he has commitment issues? So otherwise my insecurities just get much worse (like right now lol) when I don't know where he stands or what he sees me as.

 

So just ask him then. Open up share your feelings, be brave. Show some vulnerability. I just finished reading an article that said:

 

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"If you are seeking a long term committed relationship with a man, it is important to open up, share feelings and display our softer side, our true feminine nature. This important side of ourselves needs to be shown to the world and to the men in our lives. In order to create true connection and happiness, there is only one way a woman must pay diligent and personal attention to the vulnerability factor.

 

Often times a woman can be confused about what emotions are appropriate to convey and what could possibly scare away prospective suitors. This confusion is largely due to lack of self-worth and unhealthy boundaries.

 

It is important to recognize that vulnerability takes COURAGE. Behind a wall of seemingly astute strength, a woman feels she can protect herself from abandonment. In addition, we have to be willing to take the RISK of opening up, letting others in and being completely TRUTHFUL about our feelings, issues, sadness, insecurities and needs. Not an easy feat.

 

Being a strong independent woman means loving yourself so much that you are FREE to be EXACTLY who you are at all times. It means you are free from needing love from men in order to survive. It means not seeking approval from your peers. It means being open and vulnerable.

 

She understands how to appropriately express her feelings and insecurities for she understands that perfection is an illusion and she embraces her fears and phobias, knowing they are a normal part of the human experience. In the throws of vulnerability, interdependence will then take form and a connection with a "committable man" can feel AMAZING. Due to healthy boundaries, she can be independent after engaging in intimacy with her partner. BEING VULNERABLE REQUIRES TRUST.

 

If your perfectly normal needs, insecurities and flaws scare away a perspective suitor, then there is a high probability that suitor has his own issues regarding intimacy and commitment. A committable man will NOT be scared away by your "needing" him. The committable man loves you for ALL that you are, feeling good about himself and your connection."

 

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Whew, that was long but it stresses the importance of being emotionally brave and not being afraid to be vulnerable. Especially when HE displayed vulnerability FIRST by telling you he is exclusive and has no desire to date and meet others. Now it's your turn. If you are confused about how he feels or what he wants, tell him how you feel and what you want and then ask him what he wants, which to me seems rather obvious given his ACTIONS as of late. I don't mean to be crude but if you feel comfortable enough to have his d*** inside you, you should feel comfortable enough to TALK TO HIM.

[abitbroken]

I agree with Prajna - but if you are afraid - then at least simply MATCH him. He told you he isn't dating anyone else - so tell him the same - that you don't want to see anyone else but him. See where that statement takes you. you don't have to declare your undying love - just take that baby step and see what next chapter unfolds.

[s0fly]

Wow, great article read Prajna! Thank you for sharing that.

 

I agree with you both, I will try to be more vulnerable and simply match him with what he said. And if that scares him away then i'll know in fact if has an issue with committing.