Very Confused - Emotional Abuse?

[Iratus]

This is very hard to talk about or put in any real order but I could really do with some advice.

 

I have been with my lady for just over 2 years now, having met online, but not through a dating site, firstly talking as friends but it soon esculated to heavy flirting and her telling me she loved me, and I felt the same towards her, I loved talking to her and literally couldnt wait to speak with her again. things all started off on fire, I was told she was in love with me right from the offset, I would get texts all the time which literally numbered 80-100 per day, with the "I love you's" "I miss you" "I want you", I had never experienced anything like this before and to say it gave me such a huge confidence lift is an understatment, I felt very wanted and desirable. She was very up and down even during that period, like she would get depressed over things in her life that had nothing to do with me or what I had or hadnt done but she would shut me out for hours, maybe even a day at a time with silent treatment.

 

We were a fair distance apart so meeting up was only every few weeks but our communication in between was always very good, as in talking for at least 1 hour+ per day on the phone along with texts, while arranging further visits and things we were doing.

 

However the day before my second visit to see her (staying at her mums house,as she still lives there) she had gone in a tantrum over literally nothing and told me not to come, only to change her mind at 11pm at night, knowing I had my train booked for 6 am in the morning. It took me 7 hours travel door to door and I had literally been there for 1 hour when somehow a guy living in her street came into converstaion between her mum and her, when her mum was out the room she turned round and told me she had slept with him a few years ago! literally rubbing it in my face.

 

My 3rd visit, I arrived around 7pm at night, we had food, went to bed, had sex, slept, had breakfast the next morning and all was good untill around 10am she had started doing her makeup ( which takes her around 4 hours, having to cover every single blemish, she thinks her skin is awful, thinks she looks bad and its its like a crazy obsession) she got herself in a stress over not being able to do it, and sent me a text from her bedroom to me sat downstairs with her mum telling me its best to go home, literally dumping me in a strange place, 350+ miles from home with my only transport being a train costing over 120 pounds to get back, shocked and gobsmacked wasnt even the word for how I felt but thankfully she changed her mind a few hours later.

 

I've watched her get angry doing her makeup because of her eyebrows not being "right" and punch herself in the head, throw her handheld mirror across the floor and shatter it.

 

Things have just got worst and worst with her treatment towards me, It's no exaggeration to say I have been dumped by her around 10 times now, deleted and blocked off facebook, only to be called a day or so later to makeup and readded, I have been told all sorts like " I'm not a man" "I look like I've been dragged through a bush" "told to fk off"

 

Whenever she goes into these moods, she completely withdraws all affection, "nite nite I love you xxx" texts turn into "nite" or I wont get any text at all, or my texts/calls will completely ignored.

 

I have had to endure her talking about various ex boyfriends of hers, especially one from at least 17 years ago to the point where I know his full name, where he lives, because I was sat next to her one evening while she was stalking the guys facebook profile, he happens to now live the opposite side of the world and has no contact with her in all that time, everytime she talked about him it was in past tense like we did this or that, but on one of my visits to her she even told me a sexual act they did, when I go quiet and obviously show her I do not like to hear about her ex's she blames me saying "I go weird or that I'm jealous"

 

There are so many incidents its hard to think about them all, but I've had her have a go at me for turning over in bed, walking on floorboards that make a noise, eating crisps too loud, being quiet, you name it shes picked fault with it basically.

 

Things seem to be all about her, it feels like if I try to talk about myself or how I feel, I don't even matter, If I try to have a go back at her or defend myself when she behaves like this, I get told to off, deleted/blocked/dumped or ignored for the next day or 2.

 

Right now I'm in yet another situation with her and have been for the past week, last saturday she drank a bottle of wine to herself before texting me at 10 pm "If I ever with her again we are over for good" when during the day she had called me talking for 2+ hours with everything being fine, had told me she loved me and so on. Since then shes removed her profile pic of us together on facebook for 1 day, then told me we are ok and readded it again, followed again by her basically treating me like I dont even exist.

 

She literally has me so confused that I don't even know if I'm in a relationship or not, I guess I am due to the face her facebook says so.

 

I have never felt so insecure, unwanted, unloved and uncared for it my whole entire life before, but I can't stop loving and wanting her either.

 

I know that she has forms of OCD/anxiety and possibily depression, she has let it slip that in the past she has taken anti depression tablets but currently takes nothing.

[abitbroken]

Why on earth at the first meeting would you have sex with her if she was rubbing it in your face about a guy she had sex with? Did you decide from the outset that because you paid for the train ticket, you were going to have sex one way or the other? Why did you go back?

 

I don't think she's abusive. I think that she has emotional issues, but I also think you have poor boundaries if you came back a second and a third time. Why? Why wouldn't when she threw a tantrum and didn't want you to come why would you have not canceled your trip or if you couldn't get a refund, went out to her city to enjoy some sightseeing and just met her for lunch if she came around? Being a new guy who has sex on the first meeting under the same roof of her mother is a bit odd. I would be uncomfortable and so should you have. You should have gone to a hotel together if that were the case. Or just met and not slept over the first meeting.

 

So anyways, i am not going to go down the road of diagnosing her. You can only control yourself. If you have never felt so unwanted, you need to look in the mirror and slap yourself in the face and ask why on earth you are acting so desperate. Maybe you were confused by the decent sex. But i think you need to end this

 

Bottom line - you are doing this to yourself. You are not trapped in any way.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Hi there,

 

That sounds terrible. I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this. I know from experience that it's very confusing, a mixture of anger for what you're being put through and shame that you're putting up with it. And you're not sure why.

 

I would google sociopath, narcissistic abuse, lovebombing and gaslighting.

 

Lots of people get pulled into this kind of relationship. You're not alone and it's really hard to see what's going on.

 

These are the 10 symptoms that you're being gaslighted:

1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself.

2. You start to question if you are too sensitive.

3. You often feel confused and have a hard time making simple decisions.

4. You find yourself constantly apologizing.

5. You can’t understand why you’re so unhappy.

6. You often make excuses for your partner’s behavior.

7. You feel like you can’t do anything right.

8. You often feel like you aren’t good enough for others.

9. You have the sense that you used to be a more confident, relaxed and happy person.

10. You withhold information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain things.

 

I would run a mile based on what you've written.

 

Good luck

[Boughtandpaidfor]

By all means feel sorry for the wounded tiger, but don't go near it unless you've got a big tranquilliser gun.

[Iratus]

Sorry, I don't think I wrote that very clear, that was my second visit to her place, we had met previous to that after I had gone to her city and stayed in a hotel for a few days, I had also met her mum during that time.

[Capttrae]

Dude, quick and easy solution, dump her, block her and run like hell away from her. There's plenty of other females out there that'll treat you right. That one has serious issues.

[Hollyj]

Good God!

 

There are huge problems here! C'mon dude, wake up! You should have been done after this: "she had gone in a tantrum over literally nothing and told me not to come, only to change her mind at 11pm at night, knowing I had my train booked for 6 am in the morning." And, four hours to do her makeup!!!!

 

This is ridiculous: Things have just got worst and worst with her treatment towards me, It's no exaggeration to say I have been dumped by her around 10 times now, deleted and blocked off facebook, only to be called a day or so later to makeup and readded, I have been told all sorts like " I'm not a man" "I look like I've been dragged through a bush" "told to fk off"

You can't be that desperate for a girlfriend! Are you???????????? You haven't had to "endure' anything. You have stuck around and been a willing participant. You are NOT a victim!

 

Why do you allow people to treat you like this?

[JA0371]

Good God!

 

There are huge problems here! C'mon dude, wake up! You should have been done after this: "she had gone in a tantrum over literally nothing and told me not to come, only to change her mind at 11pm at night, knowing I had my train booked for 6 am in the morning." And, four hours to do her makeup!!!!

 

This is ridiculous: Things have just got worst and worst with her treatment towards me, It's no exaggeration to say I have been dumped by her around 10 times now, deleted and blocked off facebook, only to be called a day or so later to makeup and readded, I have been told all sorts like " I'm not a man" "I look like I've been dragged through a bush" "told to fk off"

You can't be that desperate for a girlfriend! Are you???????????? You haven't had to "endure' anything. You have stuck around and been a willing participant. You are NOT a victim!

 

Why do you allow people to treat you like this?

 

This.....in a nutshell..lol

[SherrySher]

This is a type of emotional abuse if you are now feeling so insecure , unwanted, unloved etc. But you are allowing it with letting her treat you this way.

This is a two way street though and you never mentioned if you have any downsides to what has been going on. Is it all her fault? You haven't done anything at all that might have upset her?

I always wonder about these situations because unless she's a total monster, I do wonder what role you have played in all of this. She must have had some reason to take you off social media or think it's better to break up with you and so on. What did you do or say to set her off?

We are only hearing the one side of things.

Either way, this is a dysfunctional relationship and it's not going to end well. You two clearly do not communicate well and don't work well together.

 

The reason why I am questioning this is because you love her so much and you keep returning. That can't all be for nothing. And like I said, unless she is a total monster with no reasons what so ever, your fights had to have started from something.

I'm not sure about this one. You either enjoy abuse that is given for no reason or you're not telling us the whole story.

[Iratus]

A few mutual friends have told me for months that its emotional abuse, based on her pyschological issues. Shes threatened to commit suicide before both to me and a mutual friend a few years before I met her.

 

Regarding things to set her off, I cant really recall them all but an example would be a few days ago, she called me at 10 am, I hadnt slept till around 4am with an awful headache, I was just up and trying to make a coffee and take painkillers. I answered and said "hiya, I'm not feeling good, very dizzy. Hows things? There was no answer, I thought it was reception on my phone so I cut it off after a min of hearing nothing and gave it a few mins and tried calling her back, she had turned her phone off. About 15 mins later I got a text saying "try letting me talk speak before you talk about yourself" - I'd said 1 sentence in the whole call.

 

I don't understand why I cannot walk away either, I have never let anyone treat me bad before, I can't seem to get her out of my head at all.

[Hollyj]

Get some professional help.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I don't understand why I cannot walk away either, I have never let anyone treat me bad before, I can't seem to get her out of my head at all.

 

There are a million pages on the internet like "10 signs you're dating a sociopath".

 

It's normal to not be able to walk away. It's the same reason people don't leave cults. You've been brainwashed- a chemical change has taken place in your brain.

 

Get out!

[jujusamples]

Sorry, but I feel exhausted after reading your post! Are you kidding me, why are you with her? I'm not trying to be mean but sometimes people treat you a certain way because you let them! I wouldn't say she is emotionally abusing you per se because you take it from her.

 

Most people would have left from the first incident. Wasn't that bad enough for you? I would have ran as fast as I could, in fact, I would be the one blocking her. Sorry, but as much as I love beauty and makeup but 4 hours to put on makeup? Throwing tantrums?

 

Do you honestly think you could put up with her behavior long term? She's not even trying to get help for herself, she's not even realizing that her behavior is bad. To me, it's really bad when the person does not acknowledged they have problem or doing anything to get better. Also by you not saying anything and putting up with her, you are enabling this behavior as well. You keep getting back together with her. I think it's not too late to stop and cut her out of your life.

[Hollyj]

Does she have to get up at 4 am to get ready for work?

[sue18]

I'd just like to second Happytowns post, google personality disorders and you will find a lot of things make sense

[Jibralta]

I've watched her get angry doing her makeup because of her eyebrows not being "right" and punch herself in the head, throw her handheld mirror across the floor and shatter it.

 

It sounds like she is mentally ill. In a way, you are sort of abusing yourself by staying with her.

 

I have never felt so insecure, unwanted, unloved and uncared for it my whole entire life before, but I can't stop loving and wanting her either.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry sounds like she's cheating and the guy who 'popped in' was probably getting 80-100 "I love you's" "I miss you" "I want you" texts while she was doing her makeup for four hours.

 

LDRs are hard and in this case she's treating you horribly. It would be best to cut your losses and think about dating locally. Also, the mood swings, crazy texts, being unreliable, etc are all red flags.

[Iratus]

Well, it happened she dumped me again, has deleted and blocked me on facebook, then unblocked again and sent a loooooooong message, then changed her profile pic to one of me and her together that I took with my camera, only shes cropped me off it. Has called being abusive and sent 6 texts all of which I have not answered since her abusive call. Shes texting to tell me to arrange to have someone collect items from her mums house, the items are things ive brought her in the last 2 years....I'm just sat here feeling shell shocked, I can't even think straight.

[Wiseman2]

Yes do this asap if you want the stuff. If not, text "keep it", then go no contact and delete and block her. She's a nutter, sorry.

Shes texting to tell me to arrange to have someone collect items from her mums house, the items are things ive brought her in the last 2 years.

[catfeeder]

Very Confused - Emotional Abuse?

 

I'm not clear about what terming something as 'emotional abuse' buys you. The ability to call yourself abused? Where does that get you?

 

Either someone's behavior is acceptable to you, or it's not. You can either negotiate about it or learn that it's not negotiable, and if that's the case you can just walk away.

 

All relationships being voluntary, it makes no sense to settle for anything you don't want to put up with.

[Hollyj]

Well, it happened she dumped me again, has deleted and blocked me on facebook, then unblocked again and sent a loooooooong message, then changed her profile pic to one of me and her together that I took with my camera, only shes cropped me off it. Has called being abusive and sent 6 texts all of which I have not answered since her abusive call. Shes texting to tell me to arrange to have someone collect items from her mums house, the items are things ive brought her in the last 2 years....I'm just sat here feeling shell shocked, I can't even think straight.

 

Why would you be shocked, this has happened many times before.

 

Dude, I don't understand you! Do you really hate and disrespect yourself so much, that you will continue to pursue this? This is really sad!

[johnnydanger]

You will suffer very much with this one. Dump her and run, asap!

[abitbroken]

Well, it happened she dumped me again, has deleted and blocked me on facebook, then unblocked again and sent a loooooooong message, then changed her profile pic to one of me and her together that I took with my camera, only shes cropped me off it. Has called being abusive and sent 6 texts all of which I have not answered since her abusive call. Shes texting to tell me to arrange to have someone collect items from her mums house, the items are things ive brought her in the last 2 years....I'm just sat here feeling shell shocked, I can't even think straight.

 

You are so set on labeling her "abusive" to remove ANY responsibility on your part! Your responsibility is to have good boundaries. if someone doesn't treat you well or is not right for you - you leave. You should have let the 2nd visit be your last. or maybe your first. And you DID answer the phone with instead of "Hi" and letting her speak, you immediately told her about YOU. Its just good phone etiquette to say "hello" and give the other person a CHANCE to say something - like "hi, Iratus, how are you?" or "it's me.." You immediately stonewalled her by implying that her call was unwelcome/you couldn't talk because you were unwell. At least wait until the person asks. Who knows, she could have thought you hung up on her. Either way, just stop going back to this, okay?

 

A few mutual friends have told me for months that its emotional abuse, based on her pyschological issues. Shes threatened to commit suicide before both to me and a mutual friend a few years before I met her.

 

Regarding things to set her off, I cant really recall them all but an example would be a few days ago, she called me at 10 am, I hadnt slept till around 4am with an awful headache, I was just up and trying to make a coffee and take painkillers. I answered and said "hiya, I'm not feeling good, very dizzy. Hows things? There was no answer, I thought it was reception on my phone so I cut it off after a min of hearing nothing and gave it a few mins and tried calling her back, she had turned her phone off. About 15 mins later I got a text saying "try letting me talk speak before you talk about yourself" - I'd said 1 sentence in the whole call.

 

I don't understand why I cannot walk away either, I have never let anyone treat me bad before, I can't seem to get her out of my head at all.

 

If you 'can't" - do it anyway. Block her completely on text, phone and social media. its over. If you have anything at her house, it can be replaced.

[Iratus]

You are so set on labeling her "abusive" to remove ANY responsibility on your part! Your responsibility is to have good boundaries. if someone doesn't treat you well or is not right for you - you leave. You should have let the 2nd visit be your last. or maybe your first. And you DID answer the phone with instead of "Hi" and letting her speak, you immediately told her about YOU. Its just good phone etiquette to say "hello" and give the other person a CHANCE to say something - like "hi, Iratus, how are you?" or "it's me.." You immediately stonewalled her by implying that her call was unwelcome/you couldn't talk because you were unwell. At least wait until the person asks. Who knows, she could have thought you hung up on her. Either way, just stop going back to this, okay?

 

 

 

If you 'can't" - do it anyway. Block her completely on text, phone and social media. its over. If you have anything at her house, it can be replaced.

 

The phone call went like, she called when I was 9/10ths out of it with migraine on co-codamol, she had said hello, nothing else I said hiya I'm not feeling too good I'm very dizzy, how are you? or very much along those lines if they wasnt the exact words. A fool could have noticied I wasnt even cohersive, while having bad migraine I'm basically out of it. my whole line lasted all of 10 seconds after I asked how she was there was no answer, I carried on saying hello? are you there? hello? there was still no talk for around 1 min, she has been having phone issues of late so I automatically thought it was some kind of reception issue, and ended the call and gave it 2 mins before claling her back. when she did finally talk to me that day she said she heard every word and just left me asking if she was there....

 

Jeez I talk to her most days for over an hour + with me talking around 10 mins of that and 50 mins of her, even if my phone etiquette wasnt great that time, do I deserve such crazy behaviour for that,

 

Maybe abuse is a strong word to say, but she has some issues with her moods, depression, ocd and anxiety, she also very very sensitive, not just with me, but often thinks random people in the street are giving her strange looks, people are getting at her when usually they are not and shes taken things the wrong way, when she goes off on one I listen to swearing, shouting, name calling, this last time I told her stop being so bitter and abusive and utterly childish and put the phone down on her, since then I had a lot of texts, she then deactivated her own facebook rather then block me because I had stopped replying to he, but late last nite I finally did reply to one of her texts, this ended up in long text echange before I went to sleep and she called me this morning wanting to sort things out, I had a 40 min conversation with her and I'm hoping things will now improve, I know everyone will say I'm completely nuts not to run for the hills however.

 

I'm guessing this up and down, rollercoaster type thing has me feeling abit punch drunk for want of a better word.

[cmae26]

Its definitely emotional abuse and as someone outside looking in -- you need to get out. Shes playing with you and making it seem like youre at fault for her behaviour.

 

I wanted to say that youre not weak for staying. I know more than id like to about staying with someone that treats you horribly. As anyone looking from the outside, its quite obvious you should leave. Its easier said than done when youre the one experiencing it.

 

I would suggest that you block all methods of contact for a while; it might be useful to deactivate your facebook for two months if you can .. know that things arent going to change and itll be a continual cycle, it wont ever be what you want it to be. She has serious issues

She WILL try contacting you, but you have to stay strong.

From what ive read, you shouldnt have trouble dating someone else in the future. You seem like a very understanding and caring individual who is able to take a lot of .

 

Im also trying to stop contact with someone unhealthy for me too. Emotional abuse is very harmful to your self-esteem especially if it has gone on for a long period of time. Its like walking on eggshells. I feel like your scared to do just about anything in fear youll upset her again; even seeing other people scares you.

 

However I think the most important thing you can do is focus on yourself, do the things you like, spend money travelling elsewhere, and look for healthy ways to relieve stress.

 

Im going to follow my own advice too 🙄🤗