HELP... on off relationship driving me nuts and making me ill!

[Ery1988]

Iv been in a tumultous relationship for 21 months. Initially fell madly in love straight away, but we started having problems with my ex husband ( I still lived in the marital home at the time)...my ex continually threatened my new lover, and he left the relationship because he couldn't deal with my circumstances. I had problems with my ex and had to report him to the police numerous occasions. and every time my lover would step back as he finds it very hard to deal with this. One time my ex punched him, and he ended things with me...(my ex husband was a controlling stalker who was obsessed with me)

 

iv always been very much in love with this new person, and learnt that he cant deal with my situation as he is very sensitive and not used to controversy. and now my situation has improved with my ex who may have seemed to have backed off. but whilst we have been on and off, I have had suspicions. he added numerous girls on facebook, always appeared online. At times some of these girls he added, the would then remove as a friend, and then they'd return. making me believe something is happening there. he is very immature and when we have had a fight in the past he has blocked me so this has led me to believe he is having similar issues with other women. when I have confronted him about this, he has been VERY defensive over this and has even stopped talking to me for a day or so and says what I am saying is absolutely ridiculous.

 

Nevertheless...since xmas things between us took a good turn. we actually spent NYE together and went out to town in public! we have been going away on weekends, and he hasn't added girls...we have been lunching etc, and he has again started to say he loves me. we have even been planning a holiday. although his big holiday is in Africa this august on safari alone, so im sceptical about that. my problem now is, that we went away this last weekend, and since then he has been a bit weird. we had a great time away, but because I have kids its difficult for me to plan. I had arranged the kids to be away, and we booked a hotel for Saturday evening. he then said he had a lunch with his family on sunday and I cried (thinking I had planned for my kids to be away all day so that I could be with him), he still stayed with me for lunch and met his family a little later on. sunday evening he went quiet, and I got agitated as I could see he was online. so I picked a bit of a fight. then Monday he had a long day at the office and then went to his parents as his dad was going to surgery on tuersday morning. so he refuted to see me, and wouldn't even let me come over for a nap...(we live down the road 2 mins apart), so I got upset about this. and now since, his dad is in hospital and he is not texting or calling me like he used to. he was always texting me every 30 mins looking for my attention. and I just feel terrible, and have been crying my eyes out. he is ignoring my txts, and doesn't want to see me, not even for a quick 15mins saying he is stressed and looking after his parents (whom I have never met, and don't know about me)

 

I don't know what to do ?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are not ready to date if you are still living with or recently involved with an abusive ex whom you have to call the cops on.

 

The first step is getting help from domestic violence agencies about extricating yourself, child visitation/custody, etc.. It may be hard for someone to take you seriously when you still have issues with the ex.

 

A new lover being online seems to be the least of your problems. Why do you have to go to his place 'for a nap' if his father is in the hospital? Stop blowing up his phone and get help for your issues with domestic violence and needy clingy behavior.

I still lived in the marital home at the time...my ex continually threatened my new lover, and he left the relationship because he couldn't deal with my circumstances. I had problems with my ex and had to report him to the police numerous occasions.

 

he refuted to see me, and wouldn't even let me come over for a nap...his dad is in hospital and he is not texting or calling me like he used to. he is ignoring my txts, and doesn't want to see me, saying he is stressed and looking after his parents.

[SooSad33]

but whilst we have been on and off, I have had suspicions. he added numerous girls on facebook, always appeared online. At times some of these girls he added, the would then remove as a friend, and then they'd return. making me believe something is happening there. he is very immature and when we have had a fight in the past he has blocked me so this has led me to believe he is having similar issues with other women. when I have confronted him about this, he has been VERY defensive over this and has even stopped talking to me for a day or so and says what I am saying is absolutely ridiculous.

- I feel this 'relationship' is too much.

 

You don't need the crap going on.. his immaturity etc.

 

And so what- you're not getting texts every 30 min's... that means nothing. Those 'expectations' are not real.

it's just too much.

 

If he is 'ignoring' your texts.. then maybe he's not that into it? Maybe that means something? Like he is backing off.

Then, I feel you need to work on accepting this isn't going to work out.

 

We cannot live on TEXTING. That's NOT a real way to communicate within a relationship.

TALK.. via phone or in person.

 

Anyways.. If he can't 'Give' in this relationship then back off- totally and walk from all of this.

 

I feel because of the turmoil back in the beginning, things between you two won't be improving

[Ery1988]

my divorce has been finalised for a year now...and im living in my own home now - just thought I would give abit of background to our on off relationship

 

but yes im needy... and whenever im not being needy - he displays neediness.... I cant win

[nutbrownhare]

You need to take care of yourself right now, and it would probably be a good idea to spend some time single to deal with the traumas of your relationships.

 

The relationship with your new guy is very insecure; you are overly anxious and needy, and he seems to be backing off. Rather than regarding him as the source of all the good things in your life, cultivate other friendships and interests so that you're not so heartbroken when he isn't available. This would be true no matter who you were with.

 

Have a look at this link; it may explain your situation a bit better: /

[Ery1988]

thanks 'nutbrownhare' I know im clingy and anxious and I go to salsa classes to get my mind off things. this man is the love of my life and I have to make the relationship work. when is happy, things are great. although he still doesn't spend time with my kids and I haven't met his family.

[Iggy5129]

You do not "have" to make this work and he's not the "love of your life" he's a rebound from your marriage. You didn't take any time to heal from the abusive situation and you just jumped into a new relationship before the old was was even fully finished.

 

I really think you need to be alone for a while and focus on yourself and your children. What kind of example are you setting for them? Relationship hopping is not a good lesson for children to learn.

 

You seem emotionally stunted due to years of abuse. Maybe work on maturing before getting into another relationship. Form a relationship with a therapist you can trust, not a man.

[Gary Snyder]

Still living with the ex can cause massive problems. It's natural for people to get jelous and mad, we are all emotional creatures. A control freak makes it twice as hard. Try to cut all ties with the ex. If you have kids together, that won't be possible. The next best thing is to keep them separated, and see them separately. Now that you are living alone.... that will help in fixing the problem.

 

It's possible that the jealously has lowered his love level. He may have some emotional baggage from dealing with the third wheel. It sounds like you two are pretty serious though. Counseling might help the two of you. He might get over it. It might take some time for those bad memories to fade. Let's face it, a fistfight with your ex is something right out of a soap opera.

[Twinflamer]

Yeah, I'm going to have to go against the grain here. It seems that this new guy was interested at one point, especially in the beginning, almost as if he seemed to care more so when your ex was involved & now since you aren't dealing with ex hubby as much, new guy doesn't have to fight for you and there isn't any real chase anymore. This, to me, is evident especially because he keeps blowing you off and canceling plans at the last minute. Also, refuses to let you meet his family and friends & refuses to meet your kids (Although, I'm not sure why you would want him to meet your kids this soon after the divorce anyways).

 

I think it's obvious that he is no longer interested in you by using countless excuses to not see you. If he reciprocated the same feelings as you feel for him, he wouldn't be blowing you off & canceling plans left & right.

I think you should go no contact & work on yourself for awhile. You just got out of an abusive marriage and need time to heal. Let this new guy go.