Don't want to break up, terrified of moving in and her anger

[Krankor]

OP, don't take this as an attack or even a criticism because it isn't. I've been following this thread because the subject hits home to me, and I honestly don't get your sudden shift in tone from thankful to what is coming across as angry and sarcastic.

 

Maybe Ms Darcy's post wasn't what you were looking for but I think she was trying to be helpful by offering her honest thoughts on your situation. Reading your post, I guess I didn't realize either that you were specifically asking how to get out of this, I just took it as "This is my situation, please weigh in with your thoughts."

 

I've been rooting for you and still am, but your last couple of posts have made you come across kind of poorly. Why not just say something like "I appreciate that and probably could use some counseling, but right now i'm most concerned about getting out of this situation ASAP"?

[JA0371]

Hi Chris....

 

Your thread made me cringe in horror. I think you have really stayed way longer than you would have.

Im sure this woman has great qualities and traits.. But she is not good relationship material.

 

Without getting into all the reasons why...which are pretty obvious, I will simply say I think you should absolutely NOI get another place with her. It will be a more permanent hell than ever before.

 

You will feel guilty temporarily, but it's better than being terrorized for the rest of your life.

[JA0371]

Also I agree with Ms Darcy.

 

You see it as an attack on your judgement. There's no shame in saying maybe you have been weak for allowing this woman to walk all,over you. You said you basically sit there, stare at the floor and take her screaming episodes. Look how many examples you posted about this woman's behavior. YOU stayed, she didn't hold you hostage. Even if you love someone it's unacceptable to allow them to abuse you. You're still making excuses... Why?

[Ms Darcy]

I've been rooting for you and still am, but your last couple of posts have made you come across kind of poorly. Why not just say something like "I appreciate that and probably could use some counseling, but right now i'm most concerned about getting out of this situation ASAP"?

 

I think Krankor expressed my perspective perfectly well.

[ChrisKelms]

Okay, my apologies if I came off poorly, it's just a frustrating situation to be in.

 

I've been reading a ton of posts here, and while some frequent authors seem to be always kind and wise, others subscribe to the "tough love" school of thought where they seem to think that replying "You're the problem here" counts as wise advice in post after post, and maybe while that is helpful for some people, I don't know, yesterday it just wasn't what I was looking for.

 

My friends have all given the advice "You need to get out! And what the hell is wrong with you for not doing it earlier? Get some help man!", and I get that advice - I do. I'm clearly much to blame here for letting this go on as long as it has.

 

And yet it's not as easy as it sounds. She's not a nightmare to be around - except on these occasions. When she's not in "rage" mode she's actually quite thoughtful and loving. She feels things deeply, as I do, and she really wants to make this work - I have no doubt about that.

 

And because she's always so apologetic, and so caring and kind in the time between outbursts, every time I decide that this time I need to get out, she works to make things better, and I see progress, and I start relaxing, and I lose my will to break things off, and then it happens again and I'm back to square one.

 

It's not just as easy as "you're an idiot for not getting out long ago get help for letting it go on".

 

And yet all that said I just can't live any longer in fear of when the next explosion is going to happen -- so I'm trying now to make a change, and am trying to figure the best way out. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

 

-----------------------------

 

So last night I said we needed to talk. I've told her many times before that I can't deal with these outbursts, but I'm not sure I've ever sat down and clearly and calmly told her that this is my line, and it cannot be crossed or I'm out.

 

So I did that, and also told her that I don't think I can live with her unless I can be calm and confident that this isn't going to happen again in the same way -- that I need to be in a relationship that's about peace and trust and love and not anger and fighting and yelling.

 

She seemed to think I was breaking it off then and there rather than making it clear where the line is and saying I don't know if we can move in together, and began sobbing and begging me not to do this -- that I'm so important to her and to please, please not break her heart, that she'll do anything, anything I ask to make it work because she loves me.

 

In tears, she did still refused to accept not moving in together, saying that if we're going to "take such a huge step backwards" she can't accept it, and I get her point. In London you have to contract for a minimum 12 months in most places, so if we each take separately places we're hitting reset and cannot then move in together for 12 months, so essentially there's no "keep trying but live separately" option, there's either "break up now or move in together".

 

She readily agreed to the counselling, said of course she wanted it, but also tried to point out a number of arguments that were my fault for being irritable. I readily acknowledged the fact that yes, I did once get annoyed when asked to vacuum five minutes after waking up before I had my coffee, but made it clear that there's a HUGE difference between five minutes of grumbling about the vacuum cleaner and two hours of screaming outside on the street about something that didn't happen.

 

I didn't back down, saying I need this to be resolved or we cannot live together as I'll never be able to relax and enjoy the simple act of waking up on a weekend summer morning without anxiety. She did seem to get this and understand and vowed to do anything to work on it.

 

I realised then that there was a third option -- although my lease ends at the end of March, I could ask my landlord to agree to extend it three months so we don't have to move out. I can then go with her to counselling and do my best to support her, and if at the end of June I don't have the stress and tension gone from any progress being made I think I can then safely move on without looking back and beating myself up about it.

 

I feel like that seems like a reasonable plan. Some may disagree. But today my head feels a bit scrambled yet I also feel a bit lighter having a working plan, and I think a plan and a desire to act on it is all I really needed.

 

I've gotten into this spot because I hate seeing the people I care about in pain and can't stand being the cause of it. And yes - I get that by drawing it out longer I may actually be drawing out that pain.

 

But that one's on me I guess.

[Bunney]

Good job on laying out your boundaries. It does seem like you may have gotten through to her, and hopefully she will stick to what she said about trying counselling and improving herself etc. Maybe there IS hope that she will get her anger attacks under control; so, maybe its not too much of a bad thing to give up on her just yet and just see how therapy goes. Wishing the two of you the best.

[Ms Darcy]

... others subscribe to the "tough love" school of thought where they seem to think that replying "You're the problem here" counts as wise advice in post after post, and maybe while that is helpful for some people, I don't know, yesterday it just wasn't what I was looking for.

 

My friends have all given the advice "You need to get out! And what the hell is wrong with you for not doing it earlier? Get some help man!", and I get that advice - I do. I'm clearly much to blame here for letting this go on as long as it has.

 

It's not just as easy as "you're an idiot for not getting out long ago get help for letting it go on".

 

And yet all that said I just can't live any longer in fear of when the next explosion is going to happen -- so I'm trying now to make a change, and am trying to figure the best way out. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

 

-----------------------------

 

So, sorry but there is nothing remotely similar between: "You need to get out! And what the hell is wrong with you for not doing it earlier? Get some help man!"" and "You need to ask yourself what is going on with YOU mentally and emotionally that keeps you in this type of unhealthy relationship and makes you afraid to end it completely. Perhaps you can get counseling for yourself to gain the courage to let her go."

 

No one used the word blame. If anything, it speaks to self-responsibility. I think you are moreso feeling bad and guilt (as you said "I'm clearly much to blame here" so you are hearing something that's not being said).

 

Get the record out of your head that anyone thinks you are to blame.

 

It's a great thing you have taken the initiative to have a conversation. Whether the conversation actually satisfies you is really up to you in the long run. You have more power in this situation that you think.

[Dahl]

No pressure or judgment, here, just a suggestion/observation on proposed timelines.

 

I appreciate why it might seem like a long time, 12 months or so, before you could revisit moving into a new place together, but it will likely be at *least* this long before she /you and she truly know how she is doing with therapy.

 

It would not be unreasonable or unfair to both of you to make the space and time for a real commitment to your individual and relationship mental health and well-being, before you must decide how/what you think of its progress.

[KantSleep]

I don't have time to read all the replies. I can only say she clearly has mental issues that must be addressed by a professional. If it were me, there is no way in hell I would sign a lease to live with someone who berates me in the manner in which she does. Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. Too bad if she flies off the handle. You owe her NOTHING.

[MissCanuck]

What type of counseling will she be seeking?

 

I ask because a couple's therapist will be insufficient, if that's what she's envisioning. She clearly needs more specialized and intensive therapy in addition to a couple's counselor.

 

I think you will also need to be very firm that the search for help begins now. Light a fire under her backside and see to it that she is taking action. Otherwise, you'll just be spinning in circles with her telling you what you want to hear and no real changes being implemented.

 

I would not see moving out separately as taking a step backward in this case. No, it's a step to preserving your sanity and breaking the cycle of verbal and emotional abuse. You two might well need some physical time apart to sort this out, and you may indeed need to walk away if you feel nothing is changing. Sure, she is hurting now. But what about the hurt you have endured over the last several years? Where was her compassion and respect for you?

 

Only you can decide how much you want to try to salvage this. But you need to stay very firm in your boundaries.

[ChrisKelms]

Thanks to all for the clarification, Ms. Darcy. It helps. I do see that blame isn't the right word but right now. Just trying to focus on the extrication plan. When that's done I can then put all my attention into the "getting back into a good place" plan.

 

I'm getting better at the boundaries, even in the last few days, I think, and I think I'm also beginning to see the real source of the conflict - she really has trouble paying attention to anything other than the turmoil that's in her head. Last night we had quite a fight, but I wouldn't back down, and after she kept accusing me of being the only problem I calmly told her "when you're ready to talk about how we can work together come find me", then went into the other room. She followed me in 20 minutes later and insulted me for awhile, repeating it's over and all my fault, but I refused to get upset or back down, and finally she started crying and begged me to forgive her, saying she just couldn't lose me. The rest of the night was fine.

 

It's so though. After every big fight when the emotion is gone we can almost always talk it back down to the issues she was sensitive to and what it came from. She's just never able to control herself in the heat of the fight. She clearly loves me but just doesn't have the strength or tools she needs to stay in control when upset. I gotta bail but man I feel like it will be such a betrayal.

[MissCanuck]

I understand your mixed feelings, OP. I've been there.

 

Speaking from experience, you need to ask yourself an important question: what exactly would you be betraying if you leave? I mean that as a sincere question. You aren't betraying her, as I don't see anywhere that you made a promise to stick around no matter what, regardless of the abuse she dumps on you. That's not how healthy love should work.

 

An important lesson I learned is that while my ex indeed also lacked impulse control, he did know when and upon whom to unleash his anger. Yes, he sometimes got very angry with me in public - but never in front of my or his family, for example. He knew he couldn't tear a strip off his boss, or his mother..not in the same way he did to me, anyway. What I started to realize was that while his temper very much flared more than would be considered normal, it's not as though he had zero control over it. He did. And I am quite sure your girlfriend does too. That's not to say that they don't have trouble controlling themselves and regulating their emotions, because they obviously do. But they're more accountable and in control than we think.

 

Take that into consideration the next time your girlfriend flies off the handle and you feel guilty for wanting to leave. Unless she is complete sociopath, there is an element of choice somewhere in there. She is - on some level - choosing not to try to reign it in with you. And for that reason, you should not feel as though you're betraying her. It's actually the other way around.

[ChrisKelms]

Really good point, MissCanuck.

 

Yes, as far as I know she hasn't let loose on her current boss (tho she did lose quite a few jobs in a row for awhile), and I don't think would dare in front of my family, so you're right, it does seem that she has the ability to hold it in when she chooses.

 

Today she let me have it again for awhile and I've just held firm saying "as long as you're going to keep blaming me then I'm not interested in talking" as she keeps doing the "YOU did this" and "YOU did that" rather than focus on what we can both change to make things better. As long as she keeps focusing on making all the excuses outside of herself then I'm out, and I think I can stick to that.

 

Thanks. I think the reason I came to ENA in the first place is to get some outside support that this is the right thing to do and observations like that really help.

[Dahl]

I think that you are going to be so much more relieved and confident in this decision very soon. I'm sorry that's it's so unpleasant just now. Courage!

 

Please note her behavior during this period. She is making serious reassurances to you but they seem to be hollow in that she doesn't sound as though she's bothering to follow through beyond her placating you.

 

You are doing the best you can, hang in and don't get discouraged.

[MissCanuck]

I speak from experience when I say that the peace you will find when you're away from her will far outweigh any guilt you might feel initially.

 

Once I got away from my ex, I found my sense of well-being and self-worth again. I was able to heal and make room in my heart for a stable and loving partner, who reminded me how important and wonderful a healthy and mutually-respectful relationship is. The relationship I have now is not something my ex would have been able or willing to provide. The difference is night and day, and I am grateful I never made a bigger commitment to my ex. His life is still in chaos; mine is not.

 

I think you feel a tremendous burden lifted if you decide to end this.

[Honeybal]

You really need to draw the line with her and have her deal with her anger issues. She reminds me of myself and how I was with my ex husband. He never stood up to me and I gradually lost respect for him becausr he always just took the blame for everything until one day he got tired of me and cheated, but I don't blame him. I was mean, angry and I treated him like he was invisible. Your gf needs to realize that she is being destructive and that she will lose you if she keeps acting this way. You guys need some time away from each other and I think that could really save you if you are both strong enough to try it.

[ChrisKelms]

Ah, well crap.

 

So just about a month ago after posting this thread, I found myself unable to break it off with my girlfriend without some big fight or something, but also unhappy and not wanting to sign a 1-2 year lease. So I contacted my landlords and fortunately they agreed to let me extend my contract from 31 March to 31 May - buying another two months to figure this out one way or another without feeling forced into it.

 

I found myself in a really tough spot as she was surprised that I'd decided to not have us move into our new place together, but she ended up actually pretty okay with me saying we weren't moving after all -- I lost a couple hundred pounds on the deposit on the new place we'd found, but okay -- since we'd had those arguments she actually understood me saying we needed more time.

 

So now with more time available, she started acting really amazing, being sweet and kind and happy as hell, everything I wanted, though there were still some key problems I had:

 

1. Of course I had trouble believing it would last

2. She has zero friends while I have many, which means that every free moment I have she wants to be together

3. She hates her job but doesn't seem motivated to ever work on her CV and applications for a new one, which means she's stuck complaining but doesn't do anything about it

 

Now, in the plus column, 1.5 years ago she applied for and has been attending a Master's program in another city which has intensive classes every two weekends, so every second weekend I'm alone, which is both nice and a little sad at the same time. She'll finish this in summer 2018, so still some ways to go, but at least it shows she has some drive, though still not sure whether it'll land her another, better job.

 

With all of that said, I just felt and feel incredibly stuck, because on the one hand I have this girl who I know ADORES me and who I really do love, but on the other hand it's someone with no other friends, no real interest in building a friends network, and someone who's always unhappy about her day but doesn't do anything to help herself. And as a result I always just feel a little strangled -- like I have this one part of my life that is all her, all the time, and this other, smaller side of my life that wants to enjoy dinners with friends and hikes together and larger conversations, and I keep wishing those two sides of my life can cross over and yet they can't.

 

Anyway, so yesterday she and I end up in a big argument about absolutely nothing, and while I'm fuming I for some reason decide to check my laptop's user records. She knows my login but we've had issues in the past where she's gone in and read my stuff and gotten upset about something perfectly normal she found, and when it'd happened before I found it so insulting and lacking in trust that I told her it can never happen again, and she swore up and down she wouldn't.

 

So last night I check and see that, yeah, in the few hours before I came home from work my user account had been logged into three separate times, and by doing a quick scan of "documents last opened: today", I see that she's been reading through all my old saved documents, including a saved agreement between me and my father about paying back a loan, a plan to cut back on booze I'd made for myself when I felt I was drinking too much in 2015, and also had accessed my saved Photos app, which connects in realtime to my phone via the cloud and always has my latest photos from my phone on it -- plus about 40 other random documents.

 

She'd not only done this three separate times last night, but I looked back and she'd been doing it before I came home from work every couple of days as far back as I could see.

 

As we'd just argued and I didn't want to talk about it yet as I didn't even know how to handle it, I made up a place to sleep on the couch but she comes in and wants to talk. After circling around the issue for a few minutes I finally just show her that I know she'd read about 40 of my documents and emails today, had gone through my photos, and had been doing it for awhile, and that any trust I once had in her was gone. I could see her face try to come up with a lie to explain it and failed. She started crying, begging for forgiveness, saying "I love you, please forgive me, I really screwed up".

 

That went on awhile, then she switched to try to go with anger, saying it was my fault she didn't trust me and I should have done more to make her less insecure, but I held my grown saying it's over. She switched back to the crying and begging, but finally after about an hour I went to sleep in the living room and she in bed. Today we didn't speak.

 

God I feel like such crap right now as I really do care deeply for this girl and want her to be okay, but I just can't stand the thought of being with someone who not only makes life so unnecessarily difficult all the time, but who constantly is so paranoid about me that she feels it's okay to keep going through my personal things again and again even though after months of her doing it she's never found anything. Because... I'm not a cheater.

 

I guess I have to just get through this now but it's just such a s****y time. I wish I could just make it all right and everything would work out but I know it can't.

 

Someone please just tell me that I'm doing the right thing here.

[tattoobunnie]

So you tell her you want to hold off on moving in together and why, and you expect her to not be insecure?

 

She went in and looked at your stuff, because she's freaking out about the relationship, that you're gonna break up with her. So she's trying to find any possible clue that you may still be in it for the long haul or not, and she can preprare herself emotionally.

 

I feel bad for you. But I also feel bad for her too.

 

I think she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. And I don't think she's going to be able to while you are together.

[ChrisKelms]

I'd say the "she went in and looked because she was secure about what you did recently" would make sense if we hadn't broken up already two separate times in the past few years because she went into my computer looking for things that weren't there.

 

Each time she found something to get upset about even though both instances were harmless. The time prior she broke up with me because she found and read emails I wrote to a girl I was seeing during a time we weren't together and got upset anyway. I put moving in together on hold recently ONLY because we recently had big fights where she accused me of things I wasn't doing, and I felt ill thinking of being locked in for a 15-month contract with someone who after knowing me for years still can't trust me even though I've never done anything wrong. We've broken up a number of times mostly just because of her accusing.

 

So many times when I get a text from a friend and I start tapping a reply on my phone, she gets this angry/crazy smile and says "WHO is that? Who are you writing to?", or else goes cold and doesn't talk to me for ten minutes to let me know that it's not cool that I was texting somebody else. God I hate that crap. I'm not a liar and I don't cheat and it drives me insane that she can't see her lack of trust causes our issues rather than resolving them.

[ChrisKelms]

Okay, wow. So since she's living with me and we're splitting up, I've been volunteering to take the air mattress in the living room until she can figure out a place to live.

 

I've been feeling awful about the split and wondering whether I shouldn't try to fix things.

 

As it does seem like we're breaking up, tho, I also figured that because her income isn't great, I'll come up with some money to help make the move easier for her and maybe give her enough cover a bit of her monthly rent for the first few months to make the transition easier. This is gonna be hard on both of us.

 

It's now been three days that we've been living together since breaking up and her silence only gets angrier with a lot of door slamming. Tonight she told me in the kitchen she wanted to talk tomorrow, "or will you be out partying because you're such the social butterfly?!" I have barely gone out with friends at all since we've been together for the past year. I said I'd be home but asked what she wanted to talk about.

 

She said she wanted to see if I'd help her with the deposit on the new place "because I want to be out of here as soon as possible". I started to tell her sure, that I was going to give her two thousand dollars to help, but since she decided to not give me the money she said she'd give me for her share of the rent this month... "F*** you and F*** paying you any rent, you don't deserve it!!", she interrupts me to spit out, just as I was saying I was going to give her fifteen hundred instead.

 

"Oookay, I say, I was just going to..." and she cuts me off again, spitting, then launches into telling demanding to know whether I've been seeing anyone else even though I've literally spent every night with her the last three months. "Are you f***ing some other woman? Is that it?! TELL ME. I KNOW you've been doing drugs behind my back all the time. I KNOW everything. I know you've been cheating. I'm GLAD I looked through all your things, I wish I'd done it MORE."

 

I haven't been doing drugs at all. I haven't been seeing anyone.

 

Later she comes into the living room demanding that I tell her the truth again, almost ripping my laptop out of my lap, screaming and swearing that I tell her the truth, but every time I try to say a word she just swears at me some more, finally saying, "You know, maybe yeah, I was in love with the IDEA of finding a man and making it work, but you're CLEARLY not a man, you're just PATHETIC, and ANYONE who lives with you and gets to know you will know that. You're just... you're just... UGLY."

 

I know she's saying all of this because she feels rejected and hurts and is in pain, but God if she isn't making me feel more and more like this was the right choice. And yet it really, really just sucks.

[Krankor]

OP, I saw this quote on another thread and it's stuck with me since: "You can feel sorry for the wounded tiger, but don't go near it."

[ChrisKelms]

OP, I saw this quote on another thread and it's stuck with me since: "You can feel sorry for the wounded tiger, but don't go near it."

 

Well said, Krankor.

[Ms Darcy]

The only right thing is to end the relationship - both emotionally and physically.

 

The situation you are in currently is limbo. And, right or wrong, it's making things worse.

 

I personally would not be living with her. Either she goes asap or you move out temporarily until she's gone.

[ChrisKelms]

The only right thing is to end the relationship - both emotionally and physically.

 

The situation you are in currently is limbo. And, right or wrong, it's making things worse.

 

I personally would not be living with her. Either she goes asap or you move out temporarily until she's gone.

 

I really would, Ms Darcy. But she's away the next few days for her school, and then I'm away most of April for a class reunion so it works out to just be about twelve days starting next week I have to power through this. Hopefully with the end of the month coming up she finds something asap.

[Sawyer]

The fact that you are contemplating it..?? Grab brass and move on, because if you were truly happy you would be looking for rings not thinking about separate households