Don't want to break up, terrified of moving in and her anger

[ChrisKelms]

The fact that you are contemplating it..?? Grab brass and move on, because if you were truly happy you would be looking for rings not thinking about separate households

 

Thanks Sawyer. I think I've been mired in this swamp for so long that I've forgotten what a good relationship is like. I actually from time to time look back on my last one, which was great but failed in the end because of location, and think "God, was that really real?".

 

It feels almost like I've been dealing with crap for so long now that some part of me thinks that's all I deserve.

[Salty]

People with cancer may not have every symptom. She gas BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder or both. Stand up for yourself. Do not move in with her, when she goes nuts tell her she needs to leave until she's calm because you aren't putting up with her Bulls***. Say that every single time and follow through. She might need medI cation, are you alright with that?

[ChrisKelms]

People with cancer may not have every symptom. She gas BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder or both. Stand up for yourself. Do not move in with her, when she goes nuts tell her she needs to leave until she's calm because you aren't putting up with her Bulls***. Say that every single time and follow through. She might need medI cation, are you alright with that?

 

I think Borderline Personality Disorder IS BPD right? But yeah, I've thought about this before. Her symptoms come and go and she's able to control it from time to time so I think she's probably just borderline BPD but fair enough.

 

But I broke up with her Monday after catching her going through my laptop a few times a day for a number of days, that was pretty much it. Not just trying to get through until she finds her own place, hopefully soon. Feeling so much better already though it sucks to still live with someone you've broken up with who's really not happy with you - SO many ups and downs in the same five minutes.

[MissCanuck]

OP, I am glad to hear you've ended this.

 

It wasn't going to get better and you need to get out of this. Let her be furious, but don't engage. Don't justify, bargain or explain. It won't help.

[Salty]

No, bi-polar disorder is different from Borderline Personality Disorder. You were right to leave her, maybe now she will get the help she needs. Stay strong and carry on. You are a free man now do not feel guilty. This is your life to live and life is too short for bulls***.

[Salty]

Sleep with one eye open too lol!

[ChrisKelms]

Thanks MissCanuck.

 

Ugh... all weekend she kept coming into whatever room I was in to say "Hey. Let's not fight or argue, okay? We don't need to make it difficult for each other." So I'd say great, sounds good... and within five minutes she'd be accusing me of lying about something I didn't do again or making comments about whatever was on tv as a reference to something I did wrong, i.e., "See? That woman there is snooping, and she has a really good reason for it, right?" on and on and on.

 

Last week after we broke up she kept asking why -- "why why why... you wouldn't break up with me just because I read your computer why why". So I wrote her a careful email on Wednesday explaining simply that I cannot be in a relationship with a woman so insecure that she is constantly, constantly telling me I'm lying and blaming me for things I didn't do. That I cannot feel comfortable in a relationship where I am always, always being accused of something. I keep trying to explain to her, over and over again:

 

"Even before I saw you were going through my computer I felt accused every single day. Accusing me of doing things I would never do means you think I am a liar. Thinking I'm a guy who lies all the time to the girl he loves means you do not believe in me. If you do not believe in me then you do not love me. It's that simple."

 

But a day after getting that she sends me a five-page single-spaced Word document she'd written that was just endless attack after attack after attack, insisting that I was cheating on her physically or emotionally for months on her with a girl I in reality dated for two weeks back in 2015. That I have anger management issues, when in reality I only lose my mind when she won't listen to what I say and instead just keeps repeating her accusations. On and on and on with nothing but attacks and absolutely no words of understanding or care or the slightest blame she owned. Every single word is just pure venom about how I'm just such a horrible person, and yet not a word of it is true.

 

And yet yesterday when she began again asking "the real reason" why I broke up with her, and I told her I've told her a hundred times -- it's because I'm constantly under attack with her nonsense accusations -- she still didn't get it and kept insisting there must be something or someone else. AHHHHH!

 

Sleep with one eye open too lol!

 

Ha! Gripping the pillow tight? Have thought about that. I'll be okay. She says she has viewings of new flats today and Weds, really hoping they work out. Cannot wait for that first day of finally, finally being just relaxed and alone. And probably stay that way awhile. I need to get my isht together and figure out why I ever even tolerated that to start with.

[Krankor]

Thanks MissCanuck.

 

Ugh... all weekend she kept coming into whatever room I was in to say "Hey. Let's not fight or argue, okay? We don't need to make it difficult for each other." So I'd say great, sounds good... and within five minutes she'd be accusing me of lying about something I didn't do again or making comments about whatever was on tv as a reference to something I did wrong, i.e., "See? That woman there is snooping, and she has a really good reason for it, right?" on and on and on.

 

Last week after we broke up she kept asking why -- "why why why... you wouldn't break up with me just because I read your computer why why". So I wrote her a careful email on Wednesday explaining simply that I cannot be in a relationship with a woman so insecure that she is constantly, constantly telling me I'm lying and blaming me for things I didn't do. That I cannot feel comfortable in a relationship where I am always, always being accused of something. I keep trying to explain to her, over and over again:

 

"Even before I saw you were going through my computer I felt accused every single day. Accusing me of doing things I would never do means you think I am a liar. Thinking I'm a guy who lies all the time to the girl he loves means you do not believe in me. If you do not believe in me then you do not love me. It's that simple."

 

But a day after getting that she sends me a five-page single-spaced Word document she'd written that was just endless attack after attack after attack, insisting that I was cheating on her physically or emotionally for months on her with a girl I in reality dated for two weeks back in 2015. That I have anger management issues, when in reality I only lose my mind when she won't listen to what I say and instead just keeps repeating her accusations. On and on and on with nothing but attacks and absolutely no words of understanding or care or the slightest blame she owned. Every single word is just pure venom about how I'm just such a horrible person, and yet not a word of it is true.

 

And yet yesterday when she began again asking "the real reason" why I broke up with her, and I told her I've told her a hundred times -- it's because I'm constantly under attack with her nonsense accusations -- she still didn't get it and kept insisting there must be something or someone else. AHHHHH!

 

 

 

Ha! Gripping the pillow tight? Have thought about that. I'll be okay. She says she has viewings of new flats today and Weds, really hoping they work out. Cannot wait for that first day of finally, finally being just relaxed and alone. And probably stay that way awhile. I need to get my isht together and figure out why I ever even tolerated that to start with.

I think your ex and my ex should grab lunch together some day. They can both talk about how the sky is actually green and what liars you and I are for saying that we think it looks blue.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you need to stop discussing your reasons for ending it. You've already told her why. Going around in circles and exposing yourself to her rage is useless. Believe me when I say that she's not going to suddenly see where you are coming from or take ownership.

 

You've said your piece. Do not try to explain yourself any further.

 

If she persists, calmly state you've already talked and there is nothing more to add. Then disengage. Don't respond to ranting or endless questioning. Remove yourself from the argument. She can only keep this up if you let her. Stop participating in it.

[ChrisKelms]

Krankor, I know for a fact that they'd never agree to that lunch because they'd be too suspicious that the other one is trying to secretly cheat them or screw them over somehow.

 

OP, you need to stop discussing your reasons for ending it. You've already told her why. Going around in circles and exposing yourself to her rage is useless. Believe me when I say that she's not going to suddenly see where you are coming from or take ownership.

 

You've said your piece. Do not try to explain yourself any further.

 

If she persists, calmly state you've already talked and there is nothing more to add. Then disengage. Don't respond to ranting or endless questioning. Remove yourself from the argument. She can only keep this up if you let her. Stop participating in it.

 

Yeah, I get it. I do. It just feels so abnormal to not try to explain yourself clearly to someone you've spent a great deal of time caring for when they're upset and hurting. I mean, that's what normal people do right? But I know it won't go anywhere. I know. It's just a bizarre place to be, but one that with any hope will be over within the week.

[MissCanuck]

Krankor, I know for a fact that they'd never agree to that lunch because they'd be too suspicious that the other one is trying to secretly cheat them or screw them over somehow.

 

 

 

Yeah, I get it. I do. It just feels so abnormal to not try to explain yourself clearly to someone you've spent a great deal of time caring for when they're upset and hurting. I mean, that's what normal people do right? But I know it won't go anywhere. I know. It's just a bizarre place to be, but one that with any hope will be over within the week.

 

I completely understand. I went blue in the face trying to explain things to my BPD ex, and it didn't make a lick of a difference in the end. He would only believed whatever twisted version of events fit into his story, which was often quite distorted from objective reality.

 

But once I was free from it, I felt so much better. Sure I missed some of the good times, but it felt like a such a relief to let go of that toxicity and unhappiness.

[ChrisKelms]

I completely understand. I went blue in the face trying to explain things to my BPD ex, and it didn't make a lick of a difference in the end. He would only believed whatever twisted version of events fit into his story, which was often quite distorted from objective reality.

 

But once I was free from it, I felt so much better. Sure I missed some of the good times, but it felt like a such a relief to let go of that toxicity and unhappiness.

 

It sounds like the same person, MissCanuck. I think a sick part of me actually liked the raw challenge of trying to see if I could ever get that "a ha" moment with her where she finally got what I was saying, but it never happened... sometimes she'd actually look like she got it, but then a few minutes or hours would pass and she'd be right back to her same bizarre version of reality. I just don't get it, but some things maybe I don't need to know.

 

Are you in a better relationship now? How long did it take you to find after the split? I'm just a little worried that any future relationships I'll find boring in a kinda unhealthy way just because they won't have this constant challenge.

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like the same person, MissCanuck. I think a sick part of me actually liked the raw challenge of trying to see if I could ever get that "a ha" moment with her where she finally got what I was saying, but it never happened... sometimes she'd actually look like she got it, but then a few minutes or hours would pass and she'd be right back to her same bizarre version of reality. I just don't get it, but some things maybe I don't need to know.

 

Are you in a better relationship now? How long did it take you to find after the split? I'm just a little worried that any future relationships I'll find boring in a kinda unhealthy way just because they won't have this constant challenge.

 

I am, yes. My current partner is a wonderful man, and I can truly say I am worlds happier now than I was with my ex. I stayed single for around a year after splitting with my ex. I needed time to heal and get my self-worth back.

 

Boring is not a word that would enter my vocabulary with regards to my current relationship. Loving, peaceful, mutually-respectful are, though. When you remember how fantastic it feels to be treated with respect, kindness and real love, you will wonder why on earth you stayed so long in such a dysfunctional relationship. I know I did.

[ChrisKelms]

I am, yes. My current partner is a wonderful man, and I can truly say I am worlds happier now than I was with my ex. I stayed single for around a year after splitting with my ex. I needed time to heal and get my self-worth back.

 

Boring is not a word that would enter my vocabulary with regards to my current relationship. Loving, peaceful, mutually-respectful are, though. When you remember how fantastic it feels to be treated with respect, kindness and real love, you will wonder why on earth you stayed so long in such a dysfunctional relationship. I know I did.

 

Okay, all fantastic to hear. Thank you and congrats on your great find. I do hope you take real pride in the effort it must have taken to extricate yourself.