sailsup555 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 my boyfriend is getting a tattoo in honor of his grandfather who he was very close with. However he is using one that his ex gf designed for him a couple years ago while they were together. She had posted it on social media at the time saying her design for his tattoo and wondering if he'll get it. Shes pretty artsy and is good at that stuff but it bothers me. I feel like it ends up being a tribute to her as well having her artwork branded on his body forever. I told him this and we've basically been in a huge fight about it. I just don't know if I will be able to stand looking at it every day without feeling hurt or resentful. it has become a deal breaker to me and I told him im not okay with him using her design and that i'm not sure I could handle it if he gets it. I feel too like he is sticking up for her more than me at this point saying how she's really good at this stuff and basically like my feelings don't matter. It just seems very personal to me and I don't get why he cant just use another design. I even sent him some I found and he said that's plagiarism. The fight just escalated from there with him saying he'll have her message me to explain that it was his idea and she just drew it and I was like okay that sounds horrible and will make me look crazy not to mention it felt like he was allied with his ex and going against me. Then proceeded to call me selfish and arrogant and that I have tunnel vision. I get that its for his grandfather and means a lot to him which is why it bothers me so much, its like a connection to her forever for something that means so much like they have this bond. Would this bother anyone else? What should I do? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 He can tattoo himself with whatever he wants, it's his body. If he likes this design then he'll use it.Shes pretty artsy and is good at that stuff but it bothers me. I told him this and we've basically been in a huge fight about it.I feel too like he is sticking up for her more than me at this point saying how she's really good at this stuff. Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 The thread starter, the woman, is right. It's a big turn off to bring up other women, including the ex, in any fashion. Too bad he does not know this. Go to a tattoo parlor and get chummy with a guy, and take some pictures - let him see how it feels when the shoe is on the other foot. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 it's not a tribute to her but his grandfather. he wants the best looking design and she nailed it. nothing there to honor her, i'm sure if i drew an equally good one, he'd use that. you're not listening, you are not using logic, you are doing the feeling-thinking-speaking for him, you are inserting imagined emotional worth of this woman where there is emotional worth of the grandfather. why he has her on social media and in his phone and texts/calls her though is a different question. if it is a problem, it's an ultimatum posed when you find they're in touch. bring it up now and i think you'll be told to suck it up or leave. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 The thread starter, the woman, is right. It's a big turn off to bring up other women, including the ex, in any fashion. Too bad he does not know this. Go to a tattoo parlor and get chummy with a guy, and take some pictures - let him see how it feels when the shoe is on the other foot. That's not even on the same level...at all Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 It could be worse... ] Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 It could be worse... ] - Haha! That's a funny one. Link to comment
Liraele Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Tattoo art is a very personal thing, and while I get where you're coming from, I think this is something you should concede on. It's something related to his grandfather, and she could be any artist...she just happens to be his ex. If he starts pining over his ex, THEN you run for the hills. Link to comment
indea08 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I agree with you. I wouldn't like it either, and I would leave him if he ended up getting it. For multiple reasons. One being, he KNEW it would make you this upset and did it anyway. And two, he has done nothing to acknowledge or ease your discontent. He's only made you feel worse. Not a great partner. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 ^^ she isn't innocent in this either. she is making it all about herself. Link to comment
indea08 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 No she isn't. She has acknowledged that yes, it's for his grandfather...BUT she still has feelings about it. And she doesn't need permission to feel the way she feels. If she's not okay with it, that's fine, many women wouldn't be. So if he chooses to get a tattoo drawn by an ex, she should choose to pursue a relationship with someone who doesn't have ties like that to an ex. On the flip side, if OP says "this is a deal breaker" then bf has the right to his feelings too, and he should choose to pursue someone who would be okay with his tattoo. Link to comment
j.man Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I'm really not seeing how OP's being reasonable at all. Her boyfriend wants a tattoo in tribute to his grandfather. His ex-girlfriend just happened to design one he feels is best for it. It's not like her signature is getting tattooed on with a heart around it. Yes, you're within your right to feel however you want to, but making him feel guilty over a tattoo in tribute to someone loved and revered simply because you're insecure an ex of his is, IMO, heartless. If you don't like it, leave. But don't make him fight a battle over it. Link to comment
fleur22 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 As someone else stated, the main issue to me is that he is still in contact with his ex, to the point that he feels comfortable enough to get her to message you. I would not be ok with this. Have there been any other red flags in relation to her? How often to they talk/hang out? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Agree two separate issues. One is using a design he likes which happens to be one she designed when they were together, which is fine. The other issue is they seem to have remained friends and how ok you are with that? Im also worried that if I give up drinking my boyfriend wont like that either. I feel like he'll want a girlfriend he can have a couple drinks with without it being an issue but now im too nervous to try even that in case something happens again Link to comment
sailsup555 Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 i wasn't aware they were friends but this is showing me that he obviously thinks highly of her. he ssaid he only said that to be a jerk but I dont fully believe him. the fight has just escalated and im really not sure what to do. He started calling me psychotic, crazy, b*tch, that my true colors were showing. Im honeslty just hurt by it and too me it seems like a big deal having your ex gf artwork on your body for the rest of your life. then in turn he starts talking about my finances which I have no idea why and we've never discussed and im better off than he is. then saying hes trying to help me and brings up every past mistake ive ever made right after I asked him not to do that. I don't even know what to do but its making me not want to be with him. I don't know if I just give up and give him his way or continue fighting about it or just dump him. Link to comment
sailsup555 Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 in his mind its like im always wrong and at fault and crazy and he is perfect Link to comment
j.man Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 You put him in a pretty dark corner and he lashed out. To you, it's about his ex. To him, it's about his grandfather. I'm not the least bit surprised he got combative. You pushed some buttons hard. Frankly, you had no place so much as expressing concern over the tattoo or its design. I think it shows an incredible lack of empathy that you thought you could or should. Again, you can feel however you want, and if it's a deal-breaker, it's a deal-breaker, but making a battle out of it was very much uncalled for. Link to comment
qwaspolk82 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 my boyfriend is getting a tattoo in honor of his grandfather who he was very close with. However he is using one that his ex gf designed for him a couple years ago while they were together. She had posted it on social media at the time saying her design for his tattoo and wondering if he'll get it. Shes pretty artsy and is good at that stuff but it bothers me. I feel like it ends up being a tribute to her as well having her artwork branded on his body forever. I told him this and we've basically been in a huge fight about it. I just don't know if I will be able to stand looking at it every day without feeling hurt or resentful. it has become a deal breaker to me and I told him im not okay with him using her design and that i'm not sure I could handle it if he gets it. I feel too like he is sticking up for her more than me at this point saying how she's really good at this stuff and basically like my feelings don't matter. It just seems very personal to me and I don't get why he cant just use another design. I even sent him some I found and he said that's plagiarism. The fight just escalated from there with him saying he'll have her message me to explain that it was his idea and she just drew it and I was like okay that sounds horrible and will make me look crazy not to mention it felt like he was allied with his ex and going against me. Then proceeded to call me selfish and arrogant and that I have tunnel vision. I get that its for his grandfather and means a lot to him which is why it bothers me so much, its like a connection to her forever for something that means so much like they have this bond. Would this bother anyone else? What should I do? Who cares? It's a tattoo of remembering his grandfather. If it was his ex's name that's different. But it's not. You need to get over it. It's not a big deal and you need to find out why it bothers you so much. She's an artist with talent. It has NO connection to her. This would not bother me at all. Link to comment
qwaspolk82 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 The thread starter, the woman, is right. It's a big turn off to bring up other women, including the ex, in any fashion. Too bad he does not know this. Go to a tattoo parlor and get chummy with a guy, and take some pictures - let him see how it feels when the shoe is on the other foot. The ex girlfriend simply designed a tattoo. That's it. It's in remembrance of his grandfather not his ex. Yes that will totally diffuse the situation by her going and taking pictures of her hanging on a dude. That won't escalate it at all will it? He's not cheating on her. What if that woman is a graphic designer or designs tattoos for others? This is a really weird response. Link to comment
qwaspolk82 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 i wasn't aware they were friends but this is showing me that he obviously thinks highly of her. he ssaid he only said that to be a jerk but I dont fully believe him. the fight has just escalated and im really not sure what to do. He started calling me psychotic, crazy, b*tch, that my true colors were showing. Im honeslty just hurt by it and too me it seems like a big deal having your ex gf artwork on your body for the rest of your life. then in turn he starts talking about my finances which I have no idea why and we've never discussed and im better off than he is. then saying hes trying to help me and brings up every past mistake ive ever made right after I asked him not to do that. I don't even know what to do but its making me not want to be with him. I don't know if I just give up and give him his way or continue fighting about it or just dump him. Then break up with him if you're so miserable. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I'd get your point if it was a tattoo to commemorate the ex. It's not though. It's a tattoo for his grand dad. I don't know what you could do now to make it better. As its escalated to you ready to leave him over this, and I can only imagine how that has hurt him. He's called you names, and it's just getting worse. Maybe the best thing you could do since you still feel it is a deal breaker is give him space. Don't add more fuel to the fire Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 If I were you, I wouldn't worry about it. The tattoo will probably last far longer than your relationship. Link to comment
sailsup555 Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 Thanks to all the support people for their help. For the rude ones please get off those site, you do more harm than good. We come here for advice and support not snide remarks trying to bring us down. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 You put him in a pretty dark corner and he lashed out. To you, it's about his ex. To him, it's about his grandfather. I'm not the least bit surprised he got combative. You pushed some buttons hard. Frankly, you had no place so much as expressing concern over the tattoo or its design. I think it shows an incredible lack of empathy that you thought you could or should. Again, you can feel however you want, and if it's a deal-breaker, it's a deal-breaker, but making a battle out of it was very much uncalled for. I know right? Push buttons and then get surprised when someone reacts. Another word for that is manipulation. Link to comment
hyden Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 The ex girlfriend simply designed a tattoo. That's it. It's in remembrance of his grandfather not his ex. Yes that will totally diffuse the situation by her going and taking pictures of her hanging on a dude. That won't escalate it at all will it? He's not cheating on her. What if that woman is a graphic designer or designs tattoos for others? This is a really weird response. Take a look at his posting history. It all pretty much wildly inappropriate comments in relation to the OPs. Link to comment
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