Distance not the only complication?

[Person1001]

My bf came down to visit me for a little while and we talked about the future. The thing is he is younger then me and much less stable then me. I guess when I started dating him, I should have walked away, but I couldn't and we fell in love. We met online. The both of us have been talking for half a year and officially dating for a couple months. He has always felt bad that he isn't on my level, which doesn't bother me as long as he works on getting himself stable enough to have a future, he doesn't have to be a millionaire or have a high degree. I can understand where is coming from, as I was in that situation not too long ago. I know he has esteem problems and I encourage him as much as I can. He loves and he wants what is best for me, he just feels I could be w/a man who is already established. I have been on dates and met professional men (engineering degrees, Phd level etc) and they weren't the type of guys I would want to be in a relationship w/. There are guys that I could meet locally eventually, but I love my bf. He feels bad that I will have to take on the responsibility of visiting him and he doesn't want the relationship to be one sided. He told me he loves when I come down. I straight up asked him if he wanted to break up w/me and he said no. The relationship will be one sided if he makes no effort for me and he does make an effort. I love him and I know he loves me. He is always there for me the best he can be and always listens to me when I tell him how I feel. For example his communication was crappy at first, but when I expressed how I felt he admitted he had been neglectful and the communication has changed for the better. He says he regrets the circumstances, but doesn't regret me.

 

I guess I'm very gun shy w/these types of situations. I started dating a guy who strung me along, despite knowing he wasn't ready. He treated me a lot differently when I expressed his lack of communication after he left back home. This guy was very vague about our future visits, wanting them then telling me it would impossible. That rejection that I received from him hurt a lot as he did it in a very insensitive way. He beat around the bush w/the situation. My current bf couldn't be an different, he is kind sensitive, caring and is always looking out for me. I go and visit him in a couple months and I guess I will see what kind of progress he has made. I feel like he is worth it and I will never find the perfect partner. I haven't felt these types of feelings since I broke up w/my ex a little over a year ago. Opinions? If he didn't care for me, I know he wouldn't have come down due to his money situation. He is looking forward to my visit.

[gebaird]

There are definitely some red flags here, and it sounds a little like you are trying to talk yourself into believing that this relationship is a good idea.

 

Would it be okay with you if your boyfriend doesn't change? If everything in his life is the same three years from now as it is today? It's never good when you are with someone who you think can become an ideal partner, but isn't right now. Another way to ask this question is, can you accept him and love him exactly as he now is, whether or not he changes?

 

Money isn't everything. A lot of good people don't have good jobs, but then there are people whose low income reflects low functioning. His financial challenges may be just that, financial challenges -- or they may be symptomatic of deeper issues.

 

I would recommend writing down what you want in a relationship, then putting it away for a while. Periodically compare it to what you actually have and decide if you're making too many compromises. Is your boyfriend really changing for the better, or is he just trying to look good so he can keep you in his life? Looking good is exhausting, and usually doesn't last -- especially when a couple is living together or married. Does he treat people well? Not just friends and loved ones, but strangers, waiters, janitors, etc.? Does he have a solid track record of successful relationships, or a lot of baggage and lost friendships? Those are additional signs of dysfunction.

 

I'm glad you feel so happy in this relationship and hope it continues to go well. Just be careful you don't end up becoming his sugar mama.

[Wiseman2]

What is his current situation? Does he go to school? Does he have a job? Does he live with his parents? How old is he? How much younger is he than you?

 

Does he have the desire or ways and means of moving to you?

 

In relationships what you see is what you get. If he lacks ambition, etc then you have different goals and values. You can't fix or change him to be what you need him to be.

My bf came down to visit me for a little while and we talked about the future. The thing is he is younger then me and much less stable then me. officially dating for a couple months. He feels bad that I will have to take on the responsibility of visiting him and he doesn't want the relationship to be one sided.I guess I'm very gun shy w/these types of situations. I go and visit him in a couple months and I guess I will see what kind of progress he has made.

[rosephase]

How often do you see each other? How old are you both?

[Person1001]

What is his current situation? Does he go to school? Does he have a job? Does he live with his parents? How old is he? How much younger is he than you?

 

Does he have the desire or ways and means of moving to you?

 

In relationships what you see is what you get. If he lacks ambition, etc then you have different goals and values. You can't fix or change him to be what you need him to be.

 

I know he can't change all of a sudden. He doesn't go to school currently, but is looking into getting a trade. He definitely wants to be closer, but doesn't want me to give up everything to move to him (I can transfer w/my job). I'm def putting a time limit on this and if I don't see some sort of progress in the next couple of months, I'm going to cut it off. He has a job, not stable though. We are 6 years apart.

[Person1001]

There are definitely some red flags here, and it sounds a little like you are trying to talk yourself into believing that this relationship is a good idea.

 

Would it be okay with you if your boyfriend doesn't change? If everything in his life is the same three years from now as it is today? It's never good when you are with someone who you think can become an ideal partner, but isn't right now. Another way to ask this question is, can you accept him and love him exactly as he now is, whether or not he changes?

 

Money isn't everything. A lot of good people don't have good jobs, but then there are people whose low income reflects low functioning. His financial challenges may be just that, financial challenges -- or they may be symptomatic of deeper issues.

 

I would recommend writing down what you want in a relationship, then putting it away for a while. Periodically compare it to what you actually have and decide if you're making too many compromises. Is your boyfriend really changing for the better, or is he just trying to look good so he can keep you in his life? Looking good is exhausting, and usually doesn't last -- especially when a couple is living together or married. Does he treat people well? Not just friends and loved ones, but strangers, waiters, janitors, etc.? Does he have a solid track record of successful relationships, or a lot of baggage and lost friendships? Those are additional signs of dysfunction.

 

I'm glad you feel so happy in this relationship and hope it continues to go well. Just be careful you don't end up becoming his sugar mama.

 

I definitely look at this objectively because I was in a situation where I saw potential in my ex and it just got me so frustrated. Honestly I would not be ok w/him if he was the exact same 3 years from now, but at the moment I have growing to do as well and as in another reply there will a time limit to see if there is even a slight bit of progress or not. Money is not everything, but I do not want to be financing everything, which so far is not the case, when I go down and visit he has covered everything (granted we don't go to expensive places, still though). I guess a positive is that he does listen to me when I tell him things and he actually tries to make me happy.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say but he doesn't seem to be at the same life-stage as you and he's too young and immature for you. He has no realistic plans to move to you. He may be a nice cyber friend and source of support but don't try to date "potential". That's where it went sideways in your last situation.

He doesn't go to school currently, but is looking into getting a trade. He has a job, not stable though. We are 6 years apart.

[reinventmyself]

Out of the gate, this relationship has it's challenges. Distance being one of them.

 

Why is it he can't go to your house and you are the one doing all the heavy lifting?

 

Career or no career, he'll make time and effort for you if he feels it's worth it to him.

 

I can't help but wonder if he's hoping you'll get tired and end it.

Not because he doesn't care but maybe being with you might require him to grow up some.

It doesn't sounds like he's that invested or ready to grow up.

 

It's always a bad sign when you are waiting around for someone to fundamentally change who they are.

What you have is standing right in front of you. It's not wise to bet on potential, especially seeing that so far he hasn't been terribly motivated to

work on this relationship or his career.

 

Find someone who isn't a project. You'll feel a lot better about investing your time and heart into it.

[DancingFool]

I think you are way too lost in potential and trying way too hard to take a guy and turn him into who and what you want him to be.

 

Listen to yourself..... Well he doesn't communicate how I want, so I fixed that. He doesn't have a stable job, so I'm on him about that and waiting on him to fix that. He can't afford my level of lifestyle right now, but I expect him to live up to it later. All of this is why you get in trouble with relationships.

 

Instead of seeking out a guy who is good to you and is on par with you, you are trying to mold someone into being someone you want them to be. Problem is that it never works out. He is not a dog you can train into doing tricks for you. As others already stated, what you see is exactly what you get. The not stable is who he is. He is not going to change just because you want him to. He is actually telling you quite directly that he is not going to live up to your needs and expectations and that you really need to be looking elsewhere for that. Listen and pay attention. He is being honest and he knows himself better than you ever will. You are never going to fix his self esteem, make him stable or career oriented, be it trade or white collar. Good solid guys who are stable, are already well into their trade when they are young. They don't need to waste time on college. Remember that.

 

I met a 24 year old guy the other weekend. His truck is paid off, he has a nice house, etc. He might be young, but while others were partying in college, he has already been working in his trade and making good money doing it since he was 18. That's a long time and quite a few years of experience and growth under his belt. It's not about age. Look at what the person is doing and go with that at face value.

[Person1001]

Out of the gate, this relationship has it's challenges. Distance being one of them.

 

Why is it he can't go to your house and you are the one doing all the heavy lifting?

 

Career or no career, he'll make time and effort for you if he feels it's worth it to him.

 

I can't help but wonder if he's hoping you'll get tired and end it.

Not because he doesn't care but maybe being with you might require him to grow up some.

It doesn't sounds like he's that invested or ready to grow up.

 

It's always a bad sign when you are waiting around for someone to fundamentally change who they are.

What you have is standing right in front of you. It's not wise to bet on potential, especially seeing that so far he hasn't been terribly motivated to

work on this relationship or his career.

 

Find someone who isn't a project. You'll feel a lot better about investing your time and heart into it.

 

He does make an effort for me, idk if its past experiences, but I don't feel like he is waiting for me to get tired. We discussed not leading each other on if one of us wasn't feeling it. When he is w/me, I can feel is 100% invested and he always tries to keep in touch. I did discuss w/him about his career, goals etc. This time though I sat him down and had a firm talk to him about his future. I even told him its not for me, in the end its mostly for him and whoever he ends up w/. He is very concerned about wasting my time, but he wants to be w/me. He has acknowledged that I am pretty accomplished and always says how lucky he is to have found me. I want to give him a push, not change him, he has told me he doesn't know what he wants and he hasn't really had anyone to talk to about it.

 

I love who he is as a person, well mannered, loving towards me and other people, respectful, open to learning etc. He has always respected me and cherished me, always looking after me everything. I did discuss moving closer because I can transfer my job, which I may think of doing in a year or so, granted he also move forward.

[DancingFool]

"This time though I sat him down and had a firm talk to him about his future. I even told him its not for me, in the end its mostly for him and whoever he ends up w/. He is very concerned about wasting my time, but he wants to be w/me. He has acknowledged that I am pretty accomplished and always says how lucky he is to have found me. I want to give him a push, not change him, he has told me he doesn't know what he wants and he hasn't really had anyone to talk to about it."

 

You are behaving like a parent managing a child. This is not appropriate behavior in healthy relationships. I'm sorry, but I hope you can start seeing that. While adults may seem initially receptive to your "push", rest assured that eventually that approach will lead to a lot strife and resentments and blow up in your face.

 

Do you understand that nice, kind, and well employed are not mutually exclusive qualities? Mothering an adult really isn't sexy and will backfire on you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry. Eek. That sounds like you are mothering him.

I did discuss w/him about his career, goals etc I sat him down and had a firm talk to him about his future.

[Clio]

Sorry. Eek. That sounds like you are mothering him.

 

I echo this. Utterly unhealthy dynamic imo.

[abitbroken]

He does make an effort for me, idk if its past experiences, but I don't feel like he is waiting for me to get tired. We discussed not leading each other on if one of us wasn't feeling it. When he is w/me, I can feel is 100% invested and he always tries to keep in touch. I did discuss w/him about his career, goals etc. This time though I sat him down and had a firm talk to him about his future. I even told him its not for me, in the end its mostly for him and whoever he ends up w/. He is very concerned about wasting my time, but he wants to be w/me. He has acknowledged that I am pretty accomplished and always says how lucky he is to have found me. I want to give him a push, not change him, he has told me he doesn't know what he wants and he hasn't really had anyone to talk to about it.

 

I love who he is as a person, well mannered, loving towards me and other people, respectful, open to learning etc. He has always respected me and cherished me, always looking after me everything. I did discuss moving closer because I can transfer my job, which I may think of doing in a year or so, granted he also move forward.

 

How is he making an effort for you if he never makes an effort to see you? Also, a skilled trade is awesome, but he shouldn't be in the perpetual state of "looking into it" he should be doing it - he should be going to classes already. At this point, he should know what he wants, even if he is not finished with classes for it.

 

You say he's well mannered, respectful - etc, those are baseline qualities everyone should have but it doesn't mean he is the one for you.

 

Don't move closer - you have made all the effort here - always being the one to travel. He will be your boyfriend as long as you make all the effort.

 

I think if you stay, you will be the fixer and fill a parent role to him. You need to find someone who lives closer who you can interact with consistently and/or someone as the motivation or means to reciprocate with you.

 

If you already even talked about not wanting to lead eachother on, I am afraid to say you might have one foot out the door already or he does.

 

also, there are plenty of men that end up staying at home with the kids or make less than the woman - but they all made the effort in the beginning of the relationship.

[Person1001]

How is he making an effort for you if he never makes an effort to see you? Also, a skilled trade is awesome, but he shouldn't be in the perpetual state of "looking into it" he should be doing it - he should be going to classes already. At this point, he should know what he wants, even if he is not finished with classes for it.

 

You say he's well mannered, respectful - etc, those are baseline qualities everyone should have but it doesn't mean he is the one for you.

 

Don't move closer - you have made all the effort here - always being the one to travel. He will be your boyfriend as long as you make all the effort.

 

I think if you stay, you will be the fixer and fill a parent role to him. You need to find someone who lives closer who you can interact with consistently and/or someone as the motivation or means to reciprocate with you.

 

If you already even talked about not wanting to lead eachother on, I am afraid to say you might have one foot out the door already or he does.

 

also, there are plenty of men that end up staying at home with the kids or make less than the woman - but they all made the effort in the beginning of the relationship.

 

My bf did come down to visit just now, though he doesn't know what will happen in the future. I haven't made any effort to move yet that will come in year or so depending on how things go. As of now I am going to concentrate on educating myself more to go forward.

[Person1001]

My bf did come down to visit just now, though he doesn't know what will happen in the future. I haven't made any effort to move yet that will come in year or so depending on how things go. As of now I am going to concentrate on educating myself more to go forward.

 

I wanted to address the leading each other on part. We talked about this issue in regards to past relationships, not ours.