Indecisive on whether to break up or not!!

[Pluglover]

Hi all,

 

I've been married for a little over a year now following a whirlwind relationship, living together and married on impulse.

 

After 1.5 years of living together and only six months after marrying it was decided that to try and save our marriage due to repeated fall outs it would best my husband move out and we could build on our relationship at a more steady and unpreasured way.

 

My husband is very difficult to be around when he is in one of his moods. He can loose his temper at the smallest of things; for example accuse me of screaming and shouting just to wake him up when really I was just walking up the stairs having a conversation with my son. After loosing his temper he will run away, no contact for days whilst he gets drunk and high. This is the main reason he had to move out as this was causing allot of stress. This is a repetitive behaviour pattern which happens at least every fortnight.

 

This repetitive behaviour is starting to have a negative impact on my mental state as I'm experiencing anxiety, irrational fears and severe indecisiveness.

 

The other day I couldn't contact him by telephone as his phone was turned off (this is unusual for him) following the phone cutting off mid conversation. we had made plans to go out and he never arrived (again unusual). Naturally I became concerned about his welfare as we hadn't had a falling out so he had no reason to ignore me. After a few hours or worrying I went to his house to see if he was OK, there didn't seem to be anyone at the property. I tried to carry on with my evening as planned but couldn't relaxing not knowing if he was OK. So went back to his property, one of his house mates answered the door and offered for me to go check if he was in his room. Luckily he was there and had fallen asleep. I generally woke him up but he was quite disoriented, I allowed him a few minutes to awaken then asked him why he didn't turn his phone on again, why plans were missed and that I was worried about him. He remained silent. I said I would like an explanation, that's when it turned sour.

 

I was told that I had no right to ask for an explanation, I had no right to come into his home as by doing so have made him feel insecure and my actions were unforgivable.

 

As I'm sure most people can imagine I was confused by this response and felt it best to leave as to not antagonise the situation. He has since only contacted me to tell me how horrible I am and how much I was in the wrong - for what I'm unsure.

 

This lack of normality is causing me difficulty emotionally and upset.

 

Am I fighting a loosing battle by constantly trying to justify his behaviour to myself to make things work or am I wasting everyone's time.

 

I'm greatly confused.

[Ms Darcy]

Add the mood swings to drinking/doing drugs and I think you should divorce him. Way too volatile of a situation.

 

Next time, take the relationship slow.

[Andrina]

A partner who regularly did drugs and got drunk would be a deal breaker for me. Is this really what you want for your one precious life on this planet? If you don't care about your own happiness, at least think about the environment you're placing your son in, and the message you're sending him. He certainly won't learn from you what happens in a good marriage.

[jjkk]

You are fighting a losing battle. I'm sorry. I know it's a hard thing to come to terms with but it sounds like you are better off without him. This will not get better, trust me. Time to stop banging your head against a brick wall.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you don't save a marriage by separating to "build a relationship". Admit your mistake that you took in/married a drunken abusive drug addict on a whim and have the marriage annulled or get a divorce. Most importantly protect your kids from this creep.

it would best my husband move out and we could build on our relationship. After loosing his temper he will run away, no contact for days whilst he gets drunk and high.

[j.man]

If you gotta crash a dude's house because he ghosted you for dinner, that's probably not a solid marriage.

[Pluglover]

If you gotta crash a dude's house because he ghosted you for dinner, that's probably not a solid marriage.

 

Too true, sometimes you need a strangers view to make things clearer.

[DancingFool]

Drug/alcohol abuse will cause rage, paranoia, violent mood swings, etc. He is actively choosing to do this and you aren't going to fix him.

 

"This repetitive behaviour is starting to have a negative impact on my mental state as I'm experiencing anxiety, irrational fears and severe indecisiveness." This sounds like early stages of PTSD from the violent mood swings and general abuse from your so called relationship. More concerning is that your child is also exposed to this.

 

Seems like a total no brainer. You do whatever it takes to remove this man out of your and your child's lives. Period.

 

Going forward let this be a harsh lesson that whirlwind romance and marrying on a whim might seem great in a Hollowood rom com, but when you get into that stuff in real life it will be more like something out of a horror nightmare. Not exactly a set up for a happily ever after. Bottom line - get out and get out now.

[MissCanuck]

Do not continue to expose your child to this. He didn't get a say in this arrangement, but it will affect him.

 

Your husband is a volatile and abusive drunk. Add drugs into the mix, and you have yourself a ticking time bomb. This situation is dangerous, and if you can't find the strength to end it for you, do it for your child.

 

Get a divorce. Do it immediately.

[Pluglover]

Thank you everyone for your responses. In my original post I only covered a tiny amount of the problems. Although some of the comments were hard to read I know they were all true. Thankfully he no longer lives with us it's just a matter of cutting ties. Thanks guys.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Now all you have to do is get a divorce/annulment and if applicable, a restraining order.

he no longer lives with us it's just a matter of cutting ties.

[SooSad33]

Whirlwind relationship... then marriage on impulse? So there were signs of his instaiblity before you married him?

 

How old is he?

[reinventmyself]

My guess is he creates drama and conflict even if there isn't any, just so he has an excuse to run away and drink or use drugs.

You can't fix this.

[Pluglover]

It does feel like the dramas over the most trivial of things are purposely to excuse behaviour. I have asked him before if it's done for the alcohol/cannabis binge? He has before admitted it was and that he needed help to stop doing it yet never taken active steps to do so.

 

I've been through endless empty promises to stop this behaviour, but never seem to go past two maybe three weeks maximum before a new drama will unfold again. Usually because I'm supposedly done something wrong; said hello wrong, let one of the dogs jump on him, been too loud, asked if he was OK or even when I've had the audacity of sharing an opinion that differs from his.

 

In between these dramas he is a lovely, caring man with a fantastic sense of humor. But teetering on egg shells waiting for the next pile of dung to land isn't doing me any good in my heart or head.

 

He's 38.

[Wiseman2]

Is he out of the house away from your kids. Try not to do things based on hedonism, such as impulsive fun marriages. In this way you two are two sides of the same coin.

a fantastic sense of humor.

[SooSad33]

The negative HUGELY outweighs any positive.. doesnt it???

 

Should you get out of this... yes! Save yourself.. always!

[Pluglover]

He hasn't lived with my son and I for about six months now but we still spent allot of time together.

 

I'd been single for twelve years prior to meeting him as I was too busy raising my son and enjoying my time with him. Then I was just love struck, swept off my feet. Stupidly or not I always had hope for change, got to accept things won't change.

[Wiseman2]

Get a divorce so he doesn't have access to your assets, legally. The longer you procrastinate because he's fun, you were love struck, etc the worse it will get. You have your reasons for foolishness however when will you make things right for yourself and your son?

He hasn't lived with my son and I for about six months now but we still spent allot of time together.

[DancingFool]

It does feel like the dramas over the most trivial of things are purposely to excuse behaviour. I have asked him before if it's done for the alcohol/cannabis binge? He has before admitted it was and that he needed help to stop doing it yet never taken active steps to do so.

 

I've been through endless empty promises to stop this behaviour, but never seem to go past two maybe three weeks maximum before a new drama will unfold again. Usually because I'm supposedly done something wrong; said hello wrong, let one of the dogs jump on him, been too loud, asked if he was OK or even when I've had the audacity of sharing an opinion that differs from his.

 

In between these dramas he is a lovely, caring man with a fantastic sense of humor. But teetering on egg shells waiting for the next pile of dung to land isn't doing me any good in my heart or head.

 

He's 38.

 

Oh for the love of......even psychotic serial killers can be nice sometimes in some situations to some people, including their victims....at times....while they lure them........ Nobody is 100% evil 100% of the time.

 

I'm sorry, sometimes the whole "he is really nice and a wonderful dad when he doesn't beat the crap out of me and the kids" really gets to me. I volunteer with re-employing women coming out of abusive relationships and ....ugh.... The abusive psycho part.....it...IS...him and it's not going to change or go away. Ever. The sooner you accept that, the faster you'll be able to get away. For as long as you keep making excuses, walking on eggshells, hoping that the good times will last......well....you are fooling yourself and in your case in particular your child is paying the price too. It's not just you here.

 

Please please please get out. If not for yourself for your child. Your son IS getting damaged by this and he doesn't deserve that.