How many time should I forgive him?

[fitgirl]

I definitely think he pulled the bait and switch on you. I mean, he knew from the beginning that you didn't want to be with someone who watched porn, yet he's still done that and lied to you about it. If I told a guy I wouldn't date a smoker and a year and a half later he starts smoking and hiding it from me, I'm going to say something and not feel bad about it. He knew this from the beginning and he had the option of choosing the relationship or complete freedom to smoke like a chimney.

 

I can relate to your boyfriend because I'm a gal who enjoys porn. I've told my boyfriends in the past that it's a habit that I won't be quitting, but that was me being upfront about my boundaries. Your boyfriend willingly gave that up and now he's going back on his word.

 

Your options really seem to be:

1. keep worrying and catching him and confronting him, wash, rinse, repeat.

2. leave him

3. lower your expectations and allow him to watch SOME porn

4. you just ignore the whole thing

 

Really, you've got a valid reason to be upset and I wouldn't just let this go, or you'll drive yourself crazy.

[Edmund Exley]

Has he lied about other things that you know of?

[Hermes]

As Fitgirl aptly remarked:

 

Your options really seem to be:

1. keep worrying and catching him and confronting him, wash, rinse, repeat.

2. leave him

3. lower your expectations and allow him to watch SOME porn

4. you just ignore the whole thing

 

 

Lies are never good, regardless of what the deception is about.

 

If he were a secret drinker, downing the proverbial litre of vodka a day, but stoutly denying he ever touched the stuff, yet you were finding the empties stashed under the floorboards, well, that would be lying too.

 

Then again, maybe the vodka would not be in the same league as porn......

[IAmFCA]

I still porn a rigid issue for you? If yes, then you may as well end this relationship now.

 

If you can say, Actually, him watching porn isn't so bad, no wonder he hasn't stopped - then you can continue.

 

Understand lying as the way some people avoid confrontation. Your bf doesn't feel he is cheating by watching porn but doesn't want to lose you and found himself in a bind. Had he said, I won't stop watching and that's an unreasonable request, you'd not be in a rl so he chose to lie instead. That doesn't make it ok. At the same time, you tried to govern how he uses his private time, and that isn't okay for many people. Your bf avoided conflict because it wasn't safe to disagree.

 

If you can accept him as he is, it would be better for you both.

[Hermes]

ITIC.

 

" Your bf avoided conflict because it wasn't safe to disagree.

"

 

Well and briefly put.....

[Edmund Exley]

Your bf avoided conflict because it wasn't safe to disagree.

 

 

The single biggest reason people usually lie in a relationship.

[nutbrownhare]

Possibly, just possibly, there may be a difference here between the current boyfriend telling lies because he fears the OP's reaction, and the wholesale lying and covering up which is typical of an addict when the addiction's really up and running.

 

For example, if someone had one or two drinks a week but their partner disapproved of any alcohol use at all, and they denied it to the partner - that would not be in the same league in a general sense as someone stashing the three empty vodka bottles/day that an alcoholic might.

 

However, both might be equally distressing to the partner who's being lied to. Only the OP can decide what the dealbreaker is here.

[UsedUsername]

Has he lied about other things that you know of?

 

Unfortunately yes. Once I asked if there had ever been anything between him and on of his female friends and he said no but it turned out he had been romantically interested in her for a couple of years before he and I met each other. I dont mind him seeing her, never have and still dont, but he still lied about it, afraid that I would be upset. I am upset but only that he lied about it.

 

The more we discuss this the worse it starts looking.... oh my..

[Hermes]

Quite so, Nutbrown

 

Only the OP can decide what the dealbreaker is here.

 

Once again: The OP

 

"THAT is my problem. My post is about trust NOT porn. Thank you to those who understand and have constructive answers"

[Edmund Exley]

Unfortunately yes. Once I asked if there had ever been anything between him and on of his female friends and he said no but it turned out he had been romantically interested in her for a couple of years before he and I met each other. I dont mind him seeing her, never have and still dont, but he still lied about it, afraid that I would be upset. I am upset but only that he lied about it.

 

The more we discuss this the worse it starts looking.... oh my..

 

Sadly, his fear was probably based on someone else's irrational reaction in a similar discussion. We learn behaviours from feeling safe, then finding out we aren't. Nothing worse than when someone asks you a question, you answer it honestly, and then it turns into a fight because the person who asked for the information wasn't happy with the information they received. I have long held a policy of not asking questions I don't want to know the answer to when it comes to things that didn't really concern me to begin with.

[nutbrownhare]

I have long held a policy of not asking questions I don't want to know the answer to when it comes to things that didn't really concern me to begin with.

 

Yes, quite. If it doesn't have any bearing on OUR relationship I'd rather leave the past where it belongs...

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he uses porn for masturbation now and then and you claim to be ok with that? You claim he's cheating as well? Do you consider watching porn cheating?

 

Beating him up because of unresolved rage at your ex won't help your relationship with him. Sadly you are destroying this relationship due to your own baggage and resorting to invading his devices and playing cop.

 

How is that any healthier than masturbating to porn now and then? Perhaps some counseling for yourself to unload this baggage and rage from the past would help you come to terms with your present situation.

he keeps lying to me. my ex's addiction to porn grew. We live together and have a great sex life. I asked if it might be an addiction and if he neeed help. I could not resist to check his internet history and was devestateed to find porn there.

 

]

[fitgirl]

It sounds like he uses porn for masturbation now and then and you claim to be ok with that? You claim he's cheating as well? Do you consider watching porn cheating?

 

Beating him up because of unresolved rage at your ex won't help your relationship with him. Sadly you are destroying this relationship due to your own baggage and resorting to invading his devices and playing cop.

 

How is that any healthier than masturbating to porn now and then? Perhaps some counseling for yourself to unload this baggage and rage from the past would help you come to terms with your present situation.

 

]

 

Sorry but I have to disagree. Why should she have to adjust her needs just because he's decided to go back on their initial agreement? She set forth her expectations at the beginning and he's now having trouble meeting that. I don't feel like she's carrying baggage, but more experience. Her experience has altered her view on porn and she doesn't want it in her relationship. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with that.

 

If anything, he's to blame for not asserting his position at the beginning and finding some middle ground at that time. He pretty much just agreed to a life without porn.

[ParisPaulette]

Oh, I apologize OP. I thought this was the same person and I missed that.

 

Okay, now having that information I can see why you're worried about porn use. But in this case you need to take a deep breath, and really ask yourself a) why are you in another relationship if you haven't gotten over what happened in the past one yet and b) does your current boyfriend exhibit the same traits as the last one, meaning are there enough similarities there beyond just the porn watching for you to be worried?

 

I'm not sure we can tell you anything of any use on here, because the greater issue sounds like you still haven't really processed the ex's behaviors. You think porn was the problem and it's not. It's sort of like when people assign cause to alcohol instead of the person drinkng the alcohol.

 

Maybe some self-education about the behaviors of addicts and learning about what is normal by way of sexual activities versus what isn't would help you more? I'm not sure, but it seems to me you're having trouble making a distinction between someone who had a serious addiction once and your current partner, which again tells me you never fully processed all of that or you'd have realized not everyone is equal to everyone. People watch porn, nearly everyone as best as I can tell, and in and of itself I could care less. I find it kind of boring, but that's just me. Criminies how many times can we watch people doing the same thing over and over and over? Boooring.

 

But there's a vast difference between once in a while and addiction and I just think you need help in learning to distinguish the two. And I'm not sure anyone here can do that although we can give our advice. Myself the way I would have handled it was to stop a moment, look at the guy I am currently with, and asked myself, "Does he display the same behaviors my ex did outside of just watching porn occasionally or do I see an escalation of behaviors towards that same scenario?" And if the answer was no I'd let it go.

 

Focus more on how he treats you when you're together, do you spend time together, do you have an active healthy sex life. Can you talk and enjoy each other on all levels. If the answer is yes, then you need to ask yourself why you're jumping at something that may not be a problem. And if you can't answer yes to any of the questions I've asked you then you need to ask why you're with the guy regardless.

[Hermes]

OP says:

 

"I am in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend, neither of us thought that it was possible to find a person that gives you so much joy and personal stimulans every day. "

[j.man]

Why should she have to adjust her needs just because he's decided to go back on their initial agreement?

She shouldn't. But she should adjust her situation in accordance with the reality. I've made plenty agreements with people in my life, many of which haven't been fulfilled by the other party. If I negotiate $70 an hour and they agree, and then I find the check I get is for $60 an hour, I don't just yell at them for not paying me what they said while continuing to do the job for them. That's it. Deal's off.

 

The guy violated their agreement. That's shame on him. I personally don't see her boundary as terribly reasonable and I think she'll find herself having a tough time finding a man who agrees with it, and then someone who agrees while actually meaning it on top of it, and then such person not having his own issues of insecurity bogging down the relationship, but hey, I suppose that's her chance to take and I don't think that takes away from this guy's responsibility to keep to his word. That said, the agreement obviously hasn't been upheld. Now she's resorting to invading his privacy and would seemingly rather argue and pressure the guy to change his ways rather than accept the reality that porn simply is a factor in the relationship. It's time to put the big girl pants on and to show him her boundaries aren't just a conversation starter.

[fitgirl]

She shouldn't. But she should adjust her situation in accordance with the reality. I've made plenty agreements with people in my life, many of which haven't been fulfilled by the other party. If I negotiate $70 an hour and they agree, and then I find the check I get is for $60 an hour, I don't just yell at them for not paying me what they said while continuing to do the job for them. That's it. Deal's off.

 

The guy violated their agreement. That's shame on him. I personally don't see her boundary as terribly reasonable and I think she'll find herself having a tough time finding a man who agrees with it, and then someone who agrees while actually meaning it on top of it, and then such person not having his own issues of insecurity bogging down the relationship, but hey, I suppose that's her chance to take and I don't think that takes away from this guy's responsibility to keep to his word. That said, the agreement obviously hasn't been upheld. Now she's resorting to invading his privacy and would seemingly rather argue and pressure the guy to change his ways rather than accept the reality that porn simply is a factor in the relationship. It's time to put the big girl pants on and to show him her boundaries aren't just a conversation starter.

 

I definitely agree with what you're saying as far as finding someone who would be OK with her demands. I certainly wouldn't and wouldn't have agreed to this in the first place. But this guy has. I can't see things getting better without one of them compromising in some way. It seems like it won't be her, though...

 

Alas, my first response stands as the options I think are available. Although, I imagine she'll just continue to whine about it and snoop. No bueno.

[Iggy5129]

Two words: incognito browser

 

Your BF needs to learn how to use one.

 

And good luck finding a man that doesn't watch porn, you're more likely to find a unicorn.

 

You're punishing your BF for the actions of another. That is not fair. You need to work on why you consider porn cheating and why you can't let go of the past and realize your new BF is a separate person from your ex. He's guilty until proven innocent in your eyes.

[Wiseman2]

Agree.

you're more likely to find a unicorn.

]

[reinventmyself]

I am assuming that she feels that masturbation is natural and doesn't have an issue with that.

Is asking someone to refrain from watching videos while doing so that much of a challenge?

 

That fact that he seems unable to refrain, even at the expense of his relationship is disconcerting.

I get why she's upset. That and the trust issue.

 

I don't care about porn personally but she did gave him full disclosure in the beginning.

[Edmund Exley]

I am assuming that she feels that masturbation is natural and doesn't have an issue with that.

Is asking someone to refrain from watching videos while doing so that much of a challenge?

 

That fact that he seems unable to refrain, even at the expense of his relationship is disconcerting.

I get why she's upset. That and the trust issue.

 

I don't care about porn personally but she did gave him full disclosure in the beginning.

 

I think they simply have two different views as to the meaning of porn. She's sees it as harmful, he sees it as harmless.

[NightLily]

I don't think either of you are showing very promising signs of maturity for the relationship. You are setting yourself up to play the role of police (exhausting). Sometimes it is impossible to not fall into that role a LITTLE but when you do, catch yourself and walk the other direction.

 

He is doing the: "yes, dear" routine to keep you happy and hold everything together. Little does he realize this lack of authenticity will cause the relationship to crumble.

 

You have both broken each other's trust. Him by lying to you, you by invading his privacy. The only way to save the relationship is for you both to come clean and then change your expectations.

 

If you can't do that, and won't accept his porn usage as part of who he is, move on to somebody else. The most important thing to me is finding a relationship where I don't have to participate in these petty issues. If it is of you too, fix it or move on.

[Longview01]

I cannot tell him what to do, but I can tell him what I think is ok in a relationship. And he can either agree or not, my problem is he does say he agree. If he does not, he should just say so and I can deside if i want to stay.

 

He does not think cheating is ok in a relationship, but would you say to him that it was his problem if I slept around? Looking at it the way you do he cannot tell me how i should please myself either.

 

Sleeping around and watching porn are 2 very different things

[catcountry]

You said if he watched porn you would leave the relationship. You have your proof.... leave. Follow through on what you said you would do. Sorry to be hard but you said it and if it means that much to you....do it.

[journeynow]

I told him I would leave him if he ever did it again and that is the reason I have not confronted him the second and third time, because then I have to leave, dont I?

 

If this is about trust...

 

It sounds like you can't trust him, because he says one thing and does another...

 

And he can't trust you if you say one thing (you will leave "If…") and do another (you do not leave), whether he knows it or not.

 

You may not see it as the same, but it sounds the same.

 

He agrees with you to avoid conflict, even if he can't follow through.

 

You don't tell him in order to avoid conflict, and so that you won't have to follow through.