Ex contacted me...

[Krankor]

So, my ex-girlfriend--who dumped me about 2 weeks ago--called me today. She had a question about an item of mine that's still at her house; whether I want it back.

 

We got to talking and she asked how I was doing. I told her that the first week was honestly really rough but that I was feeling better and starting to move on a little. I asked her if she felt like she made the right call in breaking up with me. She admitted that she still thinks about me, that she misses having me around the house, and that her kids were mad at her for breaking it off with me because they liked me. She also admitted that we have a lot of chemistry in the bedroom. But she said that she needs to be alone for a while. She said that her ex is still an "issue" for her. I asked if she was going back to him and she said no, reiterating that she needs to be alone for a while. She said that she thought she fell in love with me, that she was all in, thinking "this is great" but that it turns out she was wrong and in the end found out it wasn't there, that her enthusiasm had been going away for the past couple of weeks and that it just wasn't getting any better. She basically started in with the "you're such a great guy, but blah blah blah" garbage. I didn't want to hear that so I pretty much cut her off. She said that she doesn't know what's going to happen in the future, that maybe when she rounds the next corner that she'll want me back if I'm still available but that she doesn't know and that I shouldn't wait around or have false hope. I could tell that she missed talking to me. I told her that I would be cordial to her at work but that I couldn't be her friend outside work right now. I told her that I would be moving on, that she should take time to herself if that's what she's really planning, and that if she ever changes her mind that she knows where to find me.

 

So, she is sexually attracted to me, really likes me as a person, likes my company, but has no enthusiasm for me? I guess she's still hung up on her ex. I have a feeling that once she decides she's over him she'll move onto someone else; not me. I plan to move forward but I can't lie; I still want her back. I wonder if it's worth even holding onto a shred of hope though...

[SherrySher]

It doesn't sound good. Normally after a break up and once you've gone NC if there is hope, you will see it or hear it once you speak again. They'd be saying things more like...I missed you so much and can we meet to talk and things along those lines. If she is going into the "you're a great guy..but..." speech...it does not bode well.

Not to give up hope though...after all, there is millions of women in this world and it might not feel like it now but you WILL run into someone else at some point that gives you butterflies and you them.

[Tanzi]

It's natural to hold on to a little bit of hope. It fades over time. The main thing is not to let it hold you back from moving on.

[Krankor]

I know. It's weird though. Usually the subtext of the "you're such a great guy" speech is "but I'm just not attracted to you." In this case the attraction was still there. To put it more graphically, the last time I kissed her she said "Yep, you still get me wet faster than any guy I've ever been with." She admitted as much when we last spoke. That doesn't scream "I'm not attracted to you" to my mind. So she likes me, she misses having me around, she's attracted to me, but her heart is still somewhere else. I just have to accept it.

[Clinton]

Sorry but what she said is basically meaningless. It's just a variation of the "your're a great guy" letdown speech. She's still done here and won't be back.

[leseine7]

Krankor, I see you on this forum frequently - you give great advice to others in your shoes (including me!), and you're obviously a grounded person.

 

So, I wonder what you would say to your own post if someone else posted it here?

 

You probably know in your heart of hearts that you should move on from your ex. And her commenting on how sexually attracted to you actually, to me, is not a very good thing. I think all of my exes would have slept with me after we broke up, but that didn't mean they wanted to be in a relationship at ALL. In fact, the major problem was usually that I didn't want to have sex without commitment, and those guys were all too young/immature/not-in-the-right-place to do a relationship. But they could definitely do sex.

 

This isn't gender-specific, and it sounds like your ex falls in that category. Of course she misses you! Of course she's still attracted to you! All of that is a given, it hasn't been long enough for those feelings to fade for either of you yet, and she did not break things off due to a lack of liking you. But her saying she has stuff to deal with re: her ex is bad news for you. It basically means she isn't over him either and she isn't emotionally available to you. You don't want these bread crumbs.

 

Generally, when a dumper is reconsidering after that amount of time... they make THAT known. They don't go to the lengths of saying "Hey, you turn me on a lot and are a great guy but I can't be in a relationship right now." Because that, to most people, means the break up is still on.

[RainyCoast]

uh. i don't remember reading your threads before so i looked at a few. click on the one from 04-11-2016 man. she wasn't done with him at all.

 

she keeps a guy tied somehow while dating another guy- the hot sex talk is just that, keeping you hooked, sorry. not that it's unusual that she is still attracted but most people wouldn't tell their ex he still gets them wet for no purpose at all.

so what is her purpose? it's not love and loyalty, you've figured that much. she's not dumb. guys like to know they can work a woman and she wants you to still think the door isn't closed all the way, but with no intention of being in a committed relationship with you. in case her ex is a disappointment yet again, she'll just promptly remind you you get her wet, bat her lashes and utter something about missing you, about how you were the best guy ever and she regrets the break up blah blah and you'll take her back. meanwhile she'll still be in touch with her ex or someone new. it goes like that in circles, ad nauseam.

 

i would block her...there isn't much of value to gain from people who offer validation as a currency. because then they only offer the currency when they're bargaining for something. don't settle for less than a free, reciprocal give and take with people to whom love is more than a pound of tomatoes on the market place.

 

there are plenty of women to share great sexual chemistry with, who will also want you for more than to monkey-branch to the next (or previous) guy.

[Wiseman2]

Nothing is more confusing than being strung along but being told you're not being strung along.

She said that she doesn't know what's going to happen in the future, that maybe when she rounds the next corner that she'll want me back if I'm still available

[limichelle]

All I know is you are worth more then just somebody to ' wait around the corner' with. I would move forward and take it as a compliment that she is still attracted, nothing more. She is giving false hope and you don't need that in your life. You are smart to go NC.

 

Lisa

[Krankor]

I know everybody is right and that I'd be giving similar advice to someone else.

 

It's just eerie almost how much she and I were in almost the exact opposite situation almost 4 years ago now, me on the rebound, her wanting more. In fact, until fairly recently, I actually still found her kind of annoying and wouldn't have wanted her back. One day when I started realizing I wanted someone in my life again, my view of her changed big time. I have this fantasy that the third time will be the charm, she'll get over her ex and then we can finally meet each other on the same level. I know though that this is idealistic nonsense and that a harsh dose of reality is likely to come my way again soon. I've just never faced an out of the blue breakup like this and never knew how painful they are. I fought hard to make her mine and thought it had all worked out. I miss her kids and her dog almost as much as her.

 

But, at any rate, I'm going to do the things I'm supposed to now. NC and get on with my life and not accept breadcrumbs.

[Wiseman2]

This caught my attention. Do you think the family life/belonging to it is what you really miss? Because although that came with her, you could have that sense of belonging/family with someone else.

I miss her kids and her dog almost as much as her

[Krankor]

That's part of it for sure, but it started with a strong attraction to her. I miss her alone and then the whole set up at her house was really cool and something I valued.

[luisannalui]

She's not ready to be in a relationship, not right now. She's very confused and need to evaluates her feeling. I think the NC will definitely help you to suffer less, recover, and give it to time to decide if she will come back or not-