My cousin is brain-dead, and he will be unplugged

[Avro1986]

Hi everyone,

 

I just learned this morning that my cousin was found unconscious in a public bathroom. His heart stopped beating, and it took too long to revive him. Now, he's brain-dead and my aunt is going to unplug him. He's 32 yo with a girlfriend and daughter. I know he had mental issues and started taking medication. My aunt said that she couldn't afford the help he needed. So far, we haven't had a complete blood toxicological report, but my aunt is certain that it wasn't suicide...

 

Myself have been struggling with mental issues for several years because of other factors, but over the last 1.5 year, I started seeing a psychologist (because I can now afford it) and things improved slowly, although I was admitted to the emergency psychiatric ward during an intense episode.

 

My point is that I am angry at some older family members calling my cousin selfish. My family has a history of gambling and drinking problems kept under wrap. I am particularly disappointed in my dad, who supports this view. Granted, he had a very hard life, but is it a justification for saying: "I had it harder than, so man up"? My dad had a different environment than my cousin. It's also an attack on me because when he came down after I got hospitalized, his wife asked me in a neutral (almost condescending way) what had had happened for me to feel this way, and went waiting in the car, so my dad and I could talk. My dad was worried about me. He thinks that I am entitled, which pisses me off because I got my two M.Sc. with my own funding and saved up to go to vet school. I think that his wife is jealous because her adopted son is a total f*** up despite all the money she threw at him.

 

Still, I feel insulted when told that suicides are selfish. For example: my sister said "it's selfish because you cause a lot of suffering to those around you, and make them sad thinking that they could have done something to help." It's infuriating because they know what you are going through (since you're telling them!), but prefer to ignore it, then blame the victim.

 

How can I deal with people like that?

 

Thank you for your time!

[j.man]

While I never have nor will I ever condone suicide, I am fully of the opinion that your life is your own to live on or take away. I do think you owe to loved ones not to burden them with anything other than your death (don't leave yourself where they'll find you first, especially if it's gruesome, not leaving them a list of things to do, etc) and my view does waver a bit when dependent children are involved, but I've never heard someone commit suicide and say "selfish." Feeling hurt enough to actually go through with killing yourself is a pain I'll never know and dread ever knowing.

 

Your family's coping with it the way they're going to. Unfortunately, you're not going to be able to change much in that regard. When my aunt killed herself, a lot of my family members kept referring to "remembering her as she used to be," which I personally found appalling. But it's what they needed to tell themselves since my aunt had turned down a dark road.

[Avro1986]

Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry for your aunt. I don't accept suicide either. It's very ugly to talk about how someone "used to be". No one is born a sad individual. I just feel lucky that I kept fighting and refused to give up. But trust me: the psychological pain required to push someone to commit suicide is debilitating. My family uses the word "selfish" often.

[annie24]

Big hugs, I'm really sorry for what is happening. I think people who commit suicide are in a lot of pain and don't see another way out. It is very sad and difficult. I am glad you are getting help.

[ParisPaulette]

First off, my condolences about your cousin. That's really tough. He may not have been a suicide though, so until the coroner rules anything my own thought is people shouldn't judge.

 

I think so many people use the word selfish, because they simply don't have another word for how suicide makes them feel. Because it's such a dark, personal thing to be in that it's like trying to explain sight to someone who was born blind, unless you've been there you just aren't usually going to understand what it feels like, how much it permeates and chases away any possibility of light.

 

So yeah, people can seem calloused when I don't know that that's their intent, but they just don't get it. And they don't have any words for how sad, scared, angry suicide makes them feel.

 

We do all pretty much know it's the survivors that pay the price, not the one going. The one who goes doesn't care any longer and sometimes I suspect that is an issue too. I know when a close friend killed herself what I felt was a despair at being alone in the world while she was at peace wherever she'd gone.

 

In hindsight I was very selfish myself over it all too.

 

Suicide is something you either fully get, usually by having been there or working with those who were OR you just don't. I haven't seen a whole lot of in between.

 

A coworker once described it as having to live as if your guts were hanging out day after day and there was nothing one could do to push them back in or fix the wound. And I think it's a pretty apt description.

 

I guess all I'm saying is to not, as hard as it is, take other people's words so much to heart. I don't know that they really understand anything about what's happened at all. And as human being we're a bit of a judgmental lot. All I do know is your cousin is fortunate to have had someone who cares and whatever the cause may turn out to be the fact is those of you left will grieve, remember him with love, and move forward.

 

I'm sorry I can't do more or offer more, but this is my thoughts on the matter. Peace be with all of you and your cousin. My condolences again.

[saluk]

People get ugly when there is a death. They are trying to cope, create a narrative that they can understand. It may be wrong or insulting, but if it in any way alleviates the pain they are feeling they are going to cling to that narrative. As understanding as your family members may not be at the moment, it's worth also attempting to understand where they are coming from.

 

One of my friends was about your cousins age and his heart stopped all of a sudden just like this. Fortunately, people were around him right when it happened, and paramedics got there soon enough. The seconds counted. If that had happened when he was in the bathroom, he wouldn't have made it. So as much as you can, wait for the final verdict.

 

And I actually do think suicide is "selfish", but also that it's not quite the right word for it, because it assigns intentionality. Depression is by its nature a symptom which causes a person to turn inward. That's... how it works. But it's not like the person who is suffering to such a degree can rationally consider how other people will feel. They may know it, but not KNOW it. When you are in the grips of that pain, that pain is controlling you, not the other way around. Mental illnesses is so hard for outsiders to understand, because empathy, the tool we are used to using to understand other people, completely breaks down. You have to go beyond empathy.

 

Anyway, I empathize with you. People are going to continue to say hurtful things during this time. As the last poster said, try not to take anything to close to heart. Everyone's going to be affected and grieve in their own way.

 

Hugs.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you and your family for the loss of your cousin.

 

How can I deal with people like that?

 

I find it helpful to avoid applying a double standard, where I'm entitled to my opinions, while everyone else should conform to mine.

 

I think that his wife is jealous because her adopted son is a total f*** up

 

I also find it helpful to avoid assigning motives to people who don't behave as I would wish.

 

The more we view diversity through a lens of 'should,' the more miserable WE become. Everyone is unique, and 'we' don't get to impose our private views on anyone else, regardless of whether they make that error. It's not our job to correct or educate anyone without their permission, just as we don't appreciate it when they try to do that to us.

 

So the antidote to that, for me, is to play stupid and cheerful. Just stupid enough to not 'see' the bait, and cheerful enough to redirect any discussion to where I'd rather it be. I don't need to agree with anyone, but I also don't need to personalize their ignorance.

 

Liberating myself from the impossible task of trying to control anyone else has lifted the weights of depression and anxiety that went along with futility. Once I recognized this, I was free to enjoy the happiness that comes with keeping my focus on my own best interests, which includes harmonizing with those who are less tolerant in their beliefs and opinions and more inclined to express them.

 

Head high.

[WithLove]

I'm very sorry about your cousin. I hope you can turn it into a positive thing, though, as much as one can anyway, and channel the hurt and dismay you feel into furthering your own mental health climb.

[Liraele]

I am so sorry for your current situation and the stress and pain it must be causing.

 

A lot of people do see suicide as selfish. However, if you look at it from the perspective of the person making the attempt (successful or not), that sometimes helps. They consider themselves to be a burden on their family, friends, loved ones...because they can't fix how they are, can't help themselves. Ultimately, it is often not a selfish act, but rather an unselfish one (to them) - they're trying to reduce/eliminate that burden. They're thinking of ending their pain, yes. They're also thinking of eliminating the pain (real or perceived) that they are causing others.

 

People who make a point to say things like that ("Suicide is so selfish, how dare they!") during the grieving period just need to be told that is not what you need to hear right now, and walked away from if necessary.

[toxigon]

U dont have to deal with people, you don't have to make a point, their opinion is based on common knowledge and it's just words, what all agree to is something unspoken, you all will love him and wish him good, they just say he is selfish cuz thy want him back, all u can do is pray for him, live for him, be friends to his gf and little baby, and than u will do a greater job than telling everyone to shut up which is equal to doing nothing.

 

I pray he be forgiven from all he did in his life and go to heaven.

 

Let him be remembered in the best way possible.