Am I wrong and controlling?

[Idk294932]

Okay so I know I am the jealous type but me and my girlfriend have talked about boundaries and what eachother is not comfortable with. We have been together 6 months. She is also the jealous type. One day we were at the bar with friends having drinks. I was sitting with her at the bar just talking to her. She notices a girl staring at me and asks who she is. I turn and look and the girl is looking at me smiling. It was a girl that I have been very flirty with in the past. I tell her it's a girl that I used to talk to before I met her. Which was true. I haven't seen or talked to her since I met my girlfriend. My girlfriend instantly says she dislikes her and I understand and don't see anything wrong with her saying it as I would feel the same way. Later on in the night the girl walks y behind me a grazes her hand across my back and smiles at me. I pay no attention to it and immediately apopologize to my girlfriend and tell her we should leave. She agrees and continues to talk about how much it pissed her off and in my eyes rightfully so. She then forbids me to speak to or be around this girl again, and again I don't think there was anything wrong with that so I agree. A few months later we are at the same bar it is about last call and I go to the bathroom before we leave. I notice a guy sitting next to me (not her) as I get up. I know this guy from seeing him there many times. I've never liked him as he was old and always hitting on younger guys girlfriends. I think to ask my friend that was there to watch him and make sure he doesn't try anything. I decide against it and just continue to the bathroom thinking that if it happens I want to see how she handles it. I am in the bathroom for around 1 minute and walk back out. I see them talking and laughing. I stand there for a few seconds and watch. They are facing eachother and laughing while leaning towards eachother with a bar stool in between them. I walk over to my seat and look at my girlfriend. He tries to talk around me calling out my girlfriends name. I instantly go from very upset to on the verge of rage and turn to the guy and tell him to back off. I then turn back to my girlfriend and ask what the hell was she doing? I am gone for less than 2 minutes and the random guy next to her is already in a conversation with her and knows her name. She told me she asked him where she was supposed to ash her cigarette and he made a joke and that it was all innocent and that's all she said..I comment saying if that's all that was said how does he already know her name. She immediately gets defensive and calls me controlling and starts yelling. We get into a huge fight that she swears was over nothing. Do I not have a right to be upset that I am gone for that short of a time and she starts a conversation with the only guy she didn't know sitting by her? Why couldn't she ask my friend that was next to her? Why not the bartender? Am I being controlling for being upset when she gets just as upset for girls being friendly or flirty with me? I'm tired of being told I'm controlling for not wanting her to be flirty with guys I dont know. Especially when she gets just as upset as I do if the situation is reversed. In my eyes that is not insecurity it is having respect for your significant others feelings. We both agreed flirting is cheating and that's how I saw their interaction. To me if you want to be able to do anything you want and talk to whoever you want you should be single. In a relationship you have to think of the other persons feelings.

[j.man]

Yes, getting upset with her for socializing in a social venue is controlling. Drink at home instead.

 

If you have a "flirting = cheating" rule (beyond absurd IMO, but I suppose that's between you two), then why you two are hanging out at pick-up joints is beyond me.

[reinventmyself]

The girl you had been' flirty with in the past' brushing your back while in the presence of your girlfriend was inappropriate. Though we have no control over other peoples actions we do have control over our own response. I think you handled that fairly. And your girlfriend told you personally how she felt and you two came up with something you were both respectfully comfortable with.

 

The guy talking to your girlfriend when you went to bathroom may or may not have some bad intent. You don't know this. It's not like she had prior history with him, nor did he do anything inappropriate. I don't think speaking to someone is a crime. You could have respectfully told her how you felt but instead you made an embarrassing scene.

 

that's the difference.

[Wiseman2]

Why don't you hang out somewhere else where you won't run into all these people and all these situations. This place sounds like a pick-up bar and a hotbed of trouble. Go to all sorts of different kinds of places all over. Everyone drinking until last call and flirting and fighting will be a problem no matter what or who.

A few months later we are at the same bar. We get into a huge fight that she swears was over nothing.

[limichelle]

I agree with Wiseman,

 

You are just asking for trouble going to pick up spots. I also say you two need to trust eachother more! Going to a bar shouldn't be as big of a deal if you two trusted the fact you are going home with eachother and who cares if either of you make friendly chat, not flirting but just friendly.

 

Lisa

[DancingFool]

If you are going to get angry and crazy and attack each other every single time someone talks to either one of you, you should both just stay home with each other and be sure to shut off all electronic devices, including the tv, internet, etc. because you know.....there are people on there you might be able to oggle. In fact throw out all mail, magazines, ads, etc. because there are scantily clad male and female models in those that might lead your thoughts astray. If this sounds like over the top crazy to you, then stop the jealous nonsense because your behavior and reaction to a normal social situation is just as crazy. If any part of this sounded reasonable to you, you need to check yourself into therapy and counseling asap.

[melancholy123]

Both of you are way too jealous, controlling and possessive. I dont know how you can stand to live like that. You both need to learn to settle down and have some trust in each other or your relationship will be a disaster. Also, find a new bar.

[Tanzi]

Sorry to say this but you both sound immature. I think you should chain each other to the home and never go out together again. Clearly you can't be trusted to converse in the adult world without making it an issue.

 

Whilst I agree that the girl who brushed passed you was being inappropriate, you did nothing wrong and apologising and deciding to move on to somewhere else was actually turning something that could have been brushed off into a big deal thus setting a standard that you are not allowed to be spoken to by someone of the opposite sex, even though neither of you have any control over whether someone speaks to you.

 

And flirting is NOT cheating. If that is what you both think then both you and your girlfriend are going through life accusing each other of cheating because, in your minds, it can't possibly be innocent. That is just ridiculous ... not to mention emotionally exhausting!

[boltnrun]

What if your supervisor at work is a woman, and she asks you to do a task. Is that cheating?

 

What if your girlfriend is at work and a male customer asks her a question. Is that cheating?

 

My brother's ex girlfriend informed him that he was not allowed to talk to, text or email any female other than her. She yelled at him at work one time (they worked at the same place) because he texted me (his sister). She told him "I thought I told you not to text any other women??!!" And he replied "That was my sister." And she replied "Is she female??? Remember what I told you!!" She also became angry if he spoke to his secretary to give her instructions. He got the "I thought I told you..." speech again.

 

Notice I said "ex" girlfriend.

 

Maybe you two equate jealousy with love. Which means there's a LOT of drama in your future. If the two of you just love drama, then go to it I guess.

[nutbrownhare]

BOTH of you are controlling and over-possessive. Attractive people will attract unwanted attention, but it doesn't mean they'll do anything about it - and chatting and laughing with members of the opposite sex doesn't constitute cheating. In fact, in healthy relationships you'd both be able to interact without it causing any problems.

 

I recall discussing a potential new relationship with a therapist, who told me "At the first sign of jealousy or sulking - get out! Because it isn't going to work..."

[Usa1ah]

I think people missed the part were he said the older guy was a player and went after young ladies.

 

Another thing the both set the boundaries about no flirting. He held up his end. Then he is gone for a minute or two and she is leaning into this guy joking and laughing with him.

 

Yes she crossed the boundaries that were set by them.

 

Did you over react yes. You should have told the player to go f himself and left with your gf and talked about her crossing boundaries.

 

If she doesn't think she crossed any after what happened to you and the girl, then you have more problems then you think. She got pissed when you never interacted with girl.

[tracyis300]

Look but don't touch!

The both of you have some trust issues, and yours is over dramatic.

It's funny how you can understand from a woman's point and quickly handle the situation, but not from yours?! (It was bad enough having your friend playing bodyguard, sheesh!)

6 months in and the two of you are press conferencing at each other like a UFC fight?

If this way of action continues for the both of you? Then you might as well end it now before one of you (mainly you) do something irrational that could turn to regrets.

This goes deep, way~~ deep! As if it's something that happened in the past and the both of you took it as "lesson learned" when it should've just been "what not to do" so talk this thing out and learn to value each others judgement on understanding situations.

[Tanzi]

I think people missed the part were he said the older guy was a player and went after young ladies.

 

No, I saw that. My opinion remains the same. It doesn't matter what or who he is, it is far better to remain mature in situations like this ... and there is no need for the OP to create an unnecessary issue with his gf. Afterall I doubt she was going to off with this guy!!!

 

All this talk about leaning into the guy and laughing etc just sounds ridiculously immature to me. In the real adult world when someone talks to you, there's nothing wrong with being polite back, even if you don't intend on sticking around to chat to them.

 

Some years ago a guy once approached me in a club when my bf had gone to the bar to get some drinks. When my bf came back he politely introduced himself as my bf by shaking the guy's hand. He quickly made his apologies and excused himself. There was no accusations, no issues and no drama. The situation was the same but the mindsets and actions were totally different. That's the difference with approaching and dealing with situations in a mature fashion.

 

Like I said I think his apology and suggestion to move on were unnecessary and have set an impossible standard by which they are now both expected to live.

 

Did you over react yes. You should have told the player to go f himself and left with your gf and talked about her crossing boundaries.

 

So he over-reacted but you think he should have over reacted even more!! This kind of behaviour is unnecessary and just invites trouble. People who behave this way just make fools of themselves. There are far more dignified ways to handle certain situations.

[Usa1ah]

No, I saw that. My opinion remains the same. It doesn't matter what or who he is, it is far better to remain mature in situations like this ... and there is no need for the OP to create an unnecessary issue with his gf. Afterall I doubt she was going to off with this guy!!!

 

All this talk about leaning into the guy and laughing etc just sounds ridiculously immature to me. In the real adult world when someone talks to you, there's nothing wrong with being polite back, even if you don't intend on sticking around to chat to them.

 

Some years ago a guy once approached me in a club when my bf had gone to the bar to get some drinks. When my bf came back he politely introduced himself as my bf by shaking the guy's hand. He quickly made his apologies and excused himself. There was no accusations, no issues and no drama. The situation was the same but the mindsets and actions were totally different. That's the difference with approaching and dealing with situations in a mature fashion.

 

Like I said I think his apology and suggestion to move on were unnecessary and have set an impossible standard by which they are now both expected to live.

 

 

 

So he over-reacted but you think he should have over reacted even more!! This kind of behaviour is unnecessary and just invites trouble. People who behave this way just make fools of themselves. There are far more dignified ways to handle certain situations.

 

So you believe she should be able to flirt and talk to strangers that her bf knows is a player but when it comes to him he has to keep his mouth shut. Even when he is not aloud to do the same.

 

So you believe a guy should just stand back and let another guy come onto their gf. Really. What planet are you from. Not saying start a fight, just make sure the POS that has seen you with your gf all night understands you are not alright with his actions.

[Idk294932]

I feel like you people are not understanding where I am coming from. There is such a double standard when it comes to this situation. Girls are just being nice and polite. Guys are trying to bang anything they talk to. Girls can get jealous and expect you not to talk to the opposite sex, but if a guy doesn't want you flirting with random guys at he bar he's controlling . I did not cause a scene I asked her why she sparked up a conversation with the only guy around her she didnt know and that wasn't my friend. The leaning into eachother and laughing is very flirtatious body language and gives off the wrong impression to the person you are talking to. It didn't turn into a scene until she started yelling I was controlling after I asked why she would do that. Even then I did not yell back I said we need to go and we argued in the car. This bar is just a local small town bar where almost the whole town meets up. We go in large groups so she had plenty of mutual friends to socialize with. I really don't care what your guys opinions are on flirting. We both agreed it makes us uncomfortable and that we wouldn't do it. That's all that matters end of story. She has gotten upset at me for an old female friend walking up saying hi and hugging me. No other interaction. I have no problem with her socializing with guys that we are there with and that know me and her are together, but to start an conversation the second I walk away and continue it in a flirty way with a random guy at the bar while being surrounded by mutual friends is crossing a line. I do not think I over reacted by telling the guy to back off. When I went back to talk to my girlfriend about it he was leaning over the back of my shoulder trying to keep the conversation going with my girlfriend that he saw me come in with and saw me with all night since he sat next to me the entire night. I did not threaten him or her. I simply implied he needs to stop doing what he's doing, and that what she did was wrong based on the relationship expectations we both agreed on. She is there with me and mutual friends. Why is it rediculous to think she has no reason to flirt with random guys when she knows damn well she would be upset if the situation was reversed. The difference is I have enough respect for her feelings not to put myself in a situation to hurt them. Sorry I expect the same from her. People are way too quick to throw out the controlling and posessive words. I never tell her what she can and can't do. We came to an agreement on what we expect from eachother and I expect her to hold up her end as much as I do. That's not controlling that's having respect for your partners feelings.

[j.man]

Naw. It's controlling. If it weren't, you would have simply left her when she failed to meet your expectations. Instead, you're choosing to stay and continue to push them.

 

You left your girlfriend unattended at a bar and a guy started talking to her. This ain't bizarro world. That **** happens. Drink at home if that upsets you.

[Idk294932]

Well for one she started the conversation. She invited him in to flirt and she flirted back. Just because you are in a social place doesn't mean you have to flirt. I manage to go out and not flirt all the time. Not that hard. I haven't left because I'm not going to leave a girl I care about for a few isolated incidents. If you guys are okay with your significant others flirting and you like to flirt too then all the power to you. That's not the point of my post. It's really more about the double standard that seems to be going on in my relationship from time to time.

[Tanzi]

So you believe she should be able to flirt and talk to strangers that her bf knows is a player but when it comes to him he has to keep his mouth shut. Even when he is not aloud to do the same.

 

So you believe a guy should just stand back and let another guy come onto their gf. Really. What planet are you from. Not saying start a fight, just make sure the POS that has seen you with your gf all night understands you are not alright with his actions.

 

There is absolutely no need to be so rude ... but seeing as you asked, I am from the planet "Maturity". Clearly you are not.

 

The "player" approached her. She had no control over that ... and whilst he might have been hitting on her, it doesn't mean that she was wanting him to. There's not a lot you can do in a situation like that but be polite until the boyfriend gets back. So what if she's laughing. Just because a girl is in a relationship that doesn't mean she can't laugh with another buy (or visa versa). That's pathetic.

 

The point is she has been accused of flirting etc because she just happened to be talking to a guy who approached her.

[Tanzi]

I feel like you people are not understanding where I am coming from. There is such a double standard when it comes to this situation. Girls are just being nice and polite. Guys are trying to bang anything they talk to.

 

Hang on a minute, you were the one that said he was a player. For all we know he might not have wanted to "bang" her. And if you really believe your girlfriend wasn't just being nice and polite, then why are you still with her.

 

No this is jealousy rearing it's ugly head.

[Tanzi]

Well for one she started the conversation. She invited him in to flirt and she flirted back. Just because you are in a social place doesn't mean you have to flirt. I manage to go out and not flirt all the time. Not that hard. I haven't left because I'm not going to leave a girl I care about for a few isolated incidents. If you guys are okay with your significant others flirting and you like to flirt too then all the power to you. That's not the point of my post. It's really more about the double standard that seems to be going on in my relationship from time to time.

 

How do you know she invited it? You'd left her alone. Chatting doesn't equate to flirting but if she was flirting and did invited then I will ask again .... why are you still still with her?

[Idk294932]

Because like I stated in the reply you quoted, I'm not going to leave a girl I care about because of a couple fights. Everyone responding seems to believe that me and her have some terrible relationship. No!! we have a very happy one other than a few arguments here and there that we always resolve and move on from. I came here just to get an outside perspective other than my friends. And for the record she apologized to me the next day and said she was wrong for what she did. I apologized to her for fighting about it. We are perfectly fine now. The only reason I posted on here was to vent about being called controlling and to see if anyone had similar expiriences. I didn't come on here to be attacked by people that don't have the same relationship views as me and my girlfriend..

[Idk294932]

Basically what I'm getting from everyone is flirting is perfectly fine as long as we don't leave with the person we are flirting with, and if we don't allow eachother to flirt with the opposite sex we both need to grow up or end it.. Sorry I don't feel the same and neither does she. No wonder relationships don't last anymore. From the advice I'm getting on here its (behave as if you are single in social places and if that's not okay with either of you end it).

[FlashEng1]

Basically what I'm getting from everyone is flirting is perfectly fine as long as we don't leave with the person we are flirting with, and if we don't allow eachother to flirt with the opposite sex we both need to grow up or end it.. Sorry I don't feel the same and neither does she. No wonder relationships don't last anymore. From the advice I'm getting on here its (behave as if you are single in social places and if that's not okay with either of you end it).

 

Basically you're wrong, Idk2.

 

What we have is your account of what happened, which has been delivered from your perspective only. For you to have used a comparison of a past FLING you had (flirt; fling; date; it's all the same at this moment) to her talking to some random stranger is first off unfair. Apples to Oranges. And let's address that first before going further:

 

Situation 1 - She asks you who the girl staring is. You reply: "Oh someone I knew before you." --- JUSTIFIED REASON TO ASK YOU TO NO LONGER TALK TO HER.

 

Situation 2 - You ask who the guy she's talking to at the bar is. Her reply: "I asked him where to ash my cigarette.." --- NO COMPARISON WHATSOEVER.

 

For you to immediately follow up with "Why couldn't she ask the bartender, or her friend next her, or the dj, or the bouncer, or the waitress.." IS CONTROLLING ATTITUDE. She didn't ask many of the other options because she didn't feel the need to. If she happened to know the guy and asked him, entirely different story.. But she didn't. Get over it. (seriously though.)

 

How did he know her name?? Do you know EASY it is to find out someone's name at a... BAR?!?? That's so unfair to sit here and build a case off of what just happened.. EXTREMELY unfair.. Depsite your "flirting=cheating" rule. THATS NOT FLIRTING. Have you actually tried to play devil's advocate for a second, and given her the benefit of the doubt and play it out in your head?!?? Here man, TRY it:

 

"Where can we ash our cigarettes?"

 

"At the butt of the stool"

 

*giggle giggle, chuckle*

 

"What's your name?"

 

"Sarah"

 

"Nice to meet you Sarah, I'm Mike. But please, don't put that thing out on this stool, I like it."

 

*giggle giggle, chuckle*

 

--- INSERT JEALOUS, NEAR RAGING BOYFRIEND ----

 

She's not flirting in the slightest.. HE may be flirting with HER, but you can be guaranteed that you can TRUST your girlfriend for the 2 minutes it takes for you to take a p***, that she's not about to give her number out to bang some random stranger later that night... Like come on, how can you not see the control here? She's going home with YOU that night. This is why the flirting=cheating rule is getting the response it is at the moment.. Because right now, it's a serious joke. If you trust your girlfriend, and she trusts you. Fine, we get it, you have a rule set about it. But this rule wasn't even bent! Do you not trust her enough to no ruin however long of a relationship you two have for a 2 minute conversation?

[Usa1ah]

There is absolutely no need to be so rude ... but seeing as you asked, I am from the planet "Maturity". Clearly you are not.

 

The "player" approached her. She had no control over that ... and whilst he might have been hitting on her, it doesn't mean that she was wanting him to. There's not a lot you can do in a situation like that but be polite until the boyfriend gets back. So what if she's laughing. Just because a girl is in a relationship that doesn't mean she can't laugh with another buy (or visa versa). That's pathetic.

 

The point is she has been accused of flirting etc because she just happened to be talking to a guy who approached her.

 

Sorry for that. I deserve that one.

 

Ok, if the advance was in wanted by her then she could have turned her back on him. Plain and simple conversation with you is unwanted.

 

She was the one that insisted and agreed with no flirting with the opposite sex. OP was there and saw her flirting with the only stranger around her. Several other friends she could have been joking around with and she picked the stranger.

 

This is the problem she broke the rule that her and OP agreed to. He follows them and she claims his controlling when she caught breaking them.

 

If she wants to flirt then leave the relation ship and get with someone that does not mind watching there gf flirt with a complete stranger in front of them.

 

Sorry but, if a guy came over my shoulder like that, he made first contact. I would have told him he needs to back off with my hand on his chest persuading him to take a different direction.

 

You see my wife doesn't flirt and has turned her back on guys. So yes, I would keep someone like that way from her. Not because I am controlling but because I know her, I should we have been married for 27 years this June. Does she laugh and joke around with friends yes, strangers never.

 

Again sorry for being rude.

[Usa1ah]

Basically you're wrong, Idk2.

 

What we have is your account of what happened, which has been delivered from your perspective only. For you to have used a comparison of a past FLING you had (flirt; fling; date; it's all the same at this moment) to her talking to some random stranger is first off unfair. Apples to Oranges. And let's address that first before going further:

 

Situation 1 - She asks you who the girl staring is. You reply: "Oh someone I knew before you." --- JUSTIFIED REASON TO ASK YOU TO NO LONGER TALK TO HER.

 

Situation 2 - You ask who the guy she's talking to at the bar is. Her reply: "I asked him where to ash my cigarette.." --- NO COMPARISON WHATSOEVER.

 

For you to immediately follow up with "Why couldn't she ask the bartender, or her friend next her, or the dj, or the bouncer, or the waitress.." IS CONTROLLING ATTITUDE. She didn't ask many of the other options because she didn't feel the need to. If she happened to know the guy and asked him, entirely different story.. But she didn't. Get over it. (seriously though.)

 

How did he know her name?? Do you know EASY it is to find out someone's name at a... BAR?!?? That's so unfair to sit here and build a case off of what just happened.. EXTREMELY unfair.. Depsite your "flirting=cheating" rule. THATS NOT FLIRTING. Have you actually tried to play devil's advocate for a second, and given her the benefit of the doubt and play it out in your head?!?? Here man, TRY it:

 

"Where can we ash our cigarettes?"

 

"At the butt of the stool"

 

*giggle giggle, chuckle*

 

"What's your name?"

 

"Sarah"

 

"Nice to meet you Sarah, I'm Mike. But please, don't put that thing out on this stool, I like it."

 

*giggle giggle, chuckle*

 

--- INSERT JEALOUS, NEAR RAGING BOYFRIEND ----

 

She's not flirting in the slightest.. HE may be flirting with HER, but you can be guaranteed that you can TRUST your girlfriend for the 2 minutes it takes for you to take a p***, that she's not about to give her number out to bang some random stranger later that night... Like come on, how can you not see the control here? She's going home with YOU that night. This is why the flirting=cheating rule is getting the response it is at the moment.. Because right now, it's a serious joke. If you trust your girlfriend, and she trusts you. Fine, we get it, you have a rule set about it. But this rule wasn't even bent! Do you not trust her enough to no ruin however long of a relationship you two have for a 2 minute conversation?

 

 

Where are you getting he had a fling. There was a girl he flirted with before they meet that tried to flirt with him. He don't responded to her and told she gf friend all about it right there and then. She asked him to never to talk to her and he agreed with her. How do you get off assuming the point of view you want to argue. Yes you only have OPs info of what happened. If his gf wants to post she side great. Until then maybe you can stick with what OP has told us about.