Confusing friends with benefits situation

[IroNic]

Recently entered a fwb situation with a guy I've known for over 8 years, we've always had an on and off friendship. We first started it around 1 year ago and then we stopped after 3 months due to him playing some mind games so I stopped speaking to him and got on with myself. Now around 5 months ago he messaged me saying he's sorry etc and we started to rebuild our friendship and recently started being fwb again. Thing is we've both told each other we have feelings yet he doesn't want a relationship, we're bother very affectionate with each other but just I don't trust him as the agreement was to be just us and he has this other girl he's in contact with who comes over but insists there's nothing going on do I take his word or walk away? I know deep down I should leave this situation but I'm fed up with dating (I'm 2 8) and he's sweet the majority of the time which is nice it's practically a relationship without the label. I get very jealous of him speaking or spending time with this other girl and he's still in regular contact with exes whereas I'm not. I just don't know what to do anymore. I would be gutted to lose him but I don't know if I'm being fair to myself as I want a future with someone but he wants to be single.

[Wolfshook]

You cant be fwb and be jealous. You want commitment and you should state that to him.

 

I'm also in fwb arrangement now (though long distance,but we see each other every month or so), and one of the first things we agreed to that if somebody gets feelings we will talk about it, also no sex with other people (mainly health reasons) but seeing other people is not banned and none of us has right to be jealous about that.

 

You should not have agreed to fwb arrangement in the first place since you want more than that.

[Billie28]

He never played mind games.

He was clear on the fact that he wanted a fwb arrangement only.

You are the one playing mind games. You are telling him that you only want a fwb arrangement but you are lying.

 

You both have feelings for each other. You just assumed his were emotional like yours.

 

His feelings are sexual ONLY.

 

As in he has feelings for your lady bits but that's all.

 

If your feelings are more than for his man bits then realise that all men have those bits! All men have those bits available, some men also have their mind and emotions available.

 

You are not 2 😎.

You are naive.

 

He is sweet the majority of the time , as long as your lady bits are available to him.

 

Enjoy the benefits of you want as long as you are clear that you will never have a relationship with him and as soon as he meets someone he does want a relationship with, not only do the benefits end but so does the "friendship".

[greta96]

The only reason this is a FWB relationship is because that's what he wants, if it was up to you this would be a full on relationship. You have settled for this because you want him in your life, no matter what. You are much more invested in this than he is, which means it's time you were honest with yourself and him and ended this arrangement. FWB can't work when one of the parties has feelings for the other.

There is nothing confusing about this situation. He is not doing anything wrong, he is doing exactly what a FWB is supposed to do: having sex with you while dating (and probably having sex with) others. Eventually he will meet someone that he will want a relationship with, and this arrangement will end anyway.

There is no point in waiting for this guy to realize that you're "the one", if this is why you keep sticking around. He's known you for so many years, if he thought you were he would have acted on it 1000 times by now. You may not like dating, but if you want to meet someone to have a relationship and eventually a family with, you need to bite the bullet and do it. But before you can do that, you need to end this FWB arrangement.

[IroNic]

Originally I was happy with the fwb situation as it suited us both at first and then over time I have developed feelings for him, he stated his weren't just about sex however he doesn't want a relationship for his own reasons. The agreement of just sex with each other was again for sexual health reasons plus we just preferred that. We see each other around twice a week so it's hard to say I shouldn't have agreed when it's changed over five months and I've been feeling like this only the last couple of weeks.

 

My age was supposed to be twenty eight not a smiley. There has been times where we have been together and there's been no sex but we've just kissed and cuddled.

Over the years he was always persistent in something happening however I was preoccupied with someone else and didn't find him attractive.

 

Thanks Greta96 I think you're right I have settled as I don't want to lose him and ending the situation is difficult for me.

 

Thanks everyone

[Billie28]

Sometimes even FWB's want cuddles. It doesn't mean he wants a relationship. The benefits aren't always about sex, it can be about getting intimacy that you don't get from being single or one night stands.

 

His reasons for not wanting a relationship may change but they won't change for you.

 

Many are surprised when their fwb suddenly ends not only the benefits but the friendship too when they actually get emotionally involved with another.

 

He tells you he doesn't want a relationship and that is true but only because he has not yet met anyone he wants a relationship with. Yes that includes you.

[IroNic]

Wow that hit home, but you're right.

[ThatwasThen]

I have to ask why you are screwing yourself out of true relationship with someone that wants the same thing you do? Why are you so afraid of commitment? You must be if you cling to someone who won't commit.

 

You shred your own heart with your acceptance of his terms of sex without commitment. Please stop fooling yourself too. He is schtuuping the other girl who, like you, settles for only a part of him.

[Wiseman2]

It depends on what you want. A relationship or fwb. If you want a relationship, being in this arrangement is holding you back from being with a guy who does want a relationship.

he doesn't want a relationship for his own reasons.

[IAmFCA]

Two nights a week is too often for fwb.

 

Fade.

 

The other woman, who knows. It's the fact that you wonder that is enough reason to fade. No drama, no big discussion. Make him an option, not your main squeeze.

 

And yes, you need to date. Or, learn to invest in your girlfriends more, or both. Too much of your energy isaving flowing in this guy's direction. He needs some competition.

[Movingforward3]

Sounds like a great deal for him! Where can I sign up

 

I understand you have feelings and settled for this. But, you have decide: It's either a relationship or nothing, as you are better than this

Or you are good with just fwb.

We both know the answer to this. Don't keep lying to yourself.

[Jibralta]

If I reorder your first post and add minimal annotations, you'll see that you already have this problem solved:

 

I don't know if I'm being fair to myself

You're not. You're being very bad to yourself.

 

These aren't benefits:

 

he has this other girl he's in contact with who comes over

he's still in regular contact with exes

the agreement was to be just us

I don't trust him

I get very jealous

 

You are only staying in this 'friendship' because:

 

it's practically a relationship without the label

 

and to avoid short-term pain:

I'm fed up with dating

I would be gutted to lose him

 

The two of you have incompatible goals:

 

he wants to be single

 

I want a future with someone

 

Not to mention he doesn't sound like much of a catch based on his current and past affinity for mind-games. Certainly not trustworthy or considerate.

 

Solution:

I know deep down I should leave this situation

 

Rip the Band-Aid off fast, and it'll be done.

Learn to prefer short-term pain over long-term pain.

[Wolfshook]

Dont think much about cuddling,it means nothing. People were saying to me and my fwb that we are the cutest couple etc, yet no feelings are involved,just fun.

[Robin2904]

If you have feelings for someone you should abort the FWB thing asap. He has been upfront about not wanting a relationship with you and even if you didn't intend to somewhere down the line your feelings changed and you began to want one with him. That's how you know you need to walk away. You two are not on the same page as far as wanting the same things and its emotionally dangerous for you to stay in this situation. You shouldn't be getting mad or jealous about other people he sees, heck he has the right to have sex with anyone he wants. The fact that you care shows you need to walk away asap.

[lostandhurt]

Many of these fwb things end because feelings start to develop on one side but not the other. It is very common so don't beat yourself up about it.

 

It started one way and now has taken a turn in a direction that is not good for you. What do we do when something isn't good for us? We stop it right?

 

I think you knew what you should do before you posted but you simply don't want to loose the good parts of this arrangement even though they are not good for you.

 

Time to tell him the fwb thing is over. You need to spend some time away from this guy and allow yourself to think about meeting someone to have a mutual relationship with because that is what you seem to desire. I know it will suck to end it but in the long run it will be better to do it now then when he announces he is dating this girl and you can't come around anymore.

 

Lost

[IroNic]

I suppose I tried to hold on to the fact he kept saying nothing was going on with this other girl and he feels the same but he doesn't have a great relationship history and the majority of it has been fwb. I think my confidence isn't as grand as it used to be so I started to settle for this even though we're not compatible prospect wise I'm working on a masters whilst he spends his free time getting stoned all day. It's been multiple factors that have kept me going back but I just can't anymore. I have gave him plenty of opportunities to just say if he is with her as we're not together so he could just say but apparently they just chill together.

 

I have messaged him explaining how I feel but no doubt I won't get a reply until later on.

 

I knew what I had to do before submitting the post, I guess I'm just not ready to lose him but it'll eventually end up that way.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think you're missing the entire point here. No offense intended, but FWB's is not the same as a relationship, even though many would like to believe it is.

 

Either way, I hope you find your way...

[ThatwasThen]

he doesn't have a great relationship history and the majority of it has been fwb.

Let me guess. You thought you would be the one to turn him into a monogamous partner?

 

we're not compatible prospect wise I'm working on a masters whilst he spends his free time getting stoned all day. It's been multiple factors that have kept me going back

My guess is your addicted to the drama of trying to "WIN"

[IroNic]

I think you're missing the entire point here. No offense intended, but FWB's is not the same as a relationship, even though many would like to believe it is.

 

Either way, I hope you find your way...

 

Yes I know they're two completely different things but as I've wrote previously the fwb agreement was great at first and over time I've developed feelings therefore any normal person who develops feelings for another are going to become more inquisitive about things. Anyway the situation won't be going on now but thank you for your input

[IroNic]

Let me guess. You thought you would be the one to turn him into a monogamous partner?

 

Not at first no, as I was happy with just being fwb but now yes as there's feelings there but I know it won't happen and I'm not 'that girl' for him

I was addicted to the company and having someone there I could constantly talk to about anything and everything for hours at a time

[ThatwasThen]

I was addicted to the company and having someone there I could constantly talk to about anything and everything for hours at a time

Then don't settle to be a convenience or to have someone as a convenience and change your goals to being with someone that wants a LIFEmate where you can share those things with them in a committed manner.

 

You know now that you are not good with ongoing casual sexual dynamics so don't repeat the process in the future hoping that it will lead you to a relationship.

 

Feel better soon but DO get yourself at the zero contact stage with him so that you can rehab from the addiction.

[IroNic]

Then don't settle to be a convenience or to have someone as a convenience and change your goals to being with someone that wants a LIFEmate where you can share those things with them in a committed manner.

 

You know now that you are not good with ongoing casual sexual dynamics so don't repeat the process in the future hoping that it will lead you to a relationship.

 

Feel better soon but DO get yourself at the zero contact stage with him so that you can rehab from the addiction.

 

I explained everything to him and I've now completely cut him off which is what I did last time in order to focus on me. I know now that fwb just isn't for me the only sad part is losing a friend after it all but I suppose I lost him the minute things went further.

[lostandhurt]

You DO NOT want to be in a relationship with this guy because it would be a huge waste of your life. Your path is going one way and his is going up in smoke. He has made a choice of putting off the future while you have made the choice to have a successful life.

 

I think he has given you a huge gift by not getting into a proper relationship with you. Could you imagine coming home to him everyday sitting on the couch after yu have worked a long day?

 

Take this as a sign that your real life is waiting for you and this was just a very small part that needs to be in the past.

 

Time to stop thinking about him and focus on the life you want for yourself.

 

Lost