How do I gain his trust back?

[Maconwoman20]

I have an amazing boyfriend that I have been with for over 2 1/2yrs. We lived together, had pets together, and were building our lives together. Last year I got a job offer that required me to move, several hours away, and he encouraged me to do so, even though he wouldn't be able to come. I have had a serious problem with drinking throughout our entire relationship, but was so consumed in my lies and addiction, that I truly believed he didn't know. About a month ago, I was out of town for a work conference. On the last day, a group of us were hanging out, talking and drinking. Long story short, one of the guys there, assaulted me (there was no intercourse, just touching even though I was crying and begging him to stop). Because I had been drinking, we ended up in my room, because I was not thinking clearly. I called my boyfriend after it happened, and lied about the details, because I was so worried about him finding out of my drinking. He came up to see me and told me he couldn't deal with the lies anymore and we needed a break. I told him the truth about everything, but I fear it was all too late. I've since quit drinking completely, I'm 6 weeks sober, but he honestly believes that I cheated on him, that I made up what happened out of guilt, and because of that, he doesn't know if we can ever get back together. This man is the best thing that has ever happened to me and the love of my life and I just need advice on what to do, because I don't want to lose him, especially not over something that is a misconception on his part. How do I gain his trust again?

[Hollyj]

Are you in a program?

 

Did you report the guy that assaulted you?

[Maconwoman20]

I did report it to my hr department, but because we had been drinking, there wasn't anything done. I'm not in a program I quit on my own.

[Seraphim]

Enter a program to deal with your addiction . It is much easier to fall off the waggon when you're trying to do everything yourself. Worry about fixing yourself before fixing a relationship. If you don't fix your addiction it will destroy every relationship you ever have.

 

I am so sorry you were assaulted. In no way blame yourself. Being assaulted is the fault of the criminal.

[reinventmyself]

There is no easy answer for this one seeing he says he's done.

He may or may not be able to forgive you and the only thing you can do is continue with your sobriety and continue to work on yourself.

You do it for yourself and not in order to get him to return.

You give him time and space to sort things out.

[Seraphim]

I did report it to my hr department, but because we had been drinking, there wasn't anything done. I'm not in a program I quit on my own.

 

I would tell your HR department that they are full of e. Being assaulted has nothing to do with being drunk. Go to the local police department.

[Hollyj]

I did report it to my hr department, but because we had been drinking, there wasn't anything done. I'm not in a program I quit on my own.

 

You need to be in a program. You need to deal with why you turn to alcohol

[Wiseman2]

You need to keep staying sober and being in a program. The drinking and lying is cumulative and had eroded the relationship. Go no contact and focus on cleaning up. Go no contact, since your ex is fed up and won't believe anything at this point. Get counselling for whatever else is happening.

I have had a serious problem with drinking throughout our entire relationship.He came up to see me and told me he couldn't deal with the lies anymore and we needed a break. I've since quit drinking completely.

[Maconwoman20]

You need to be in a program. You need to deal with why you turn to alcohol

 

I don't need to be in a program, I know exactly why I turn to alcohol, I am fully aware. That wasn't the issue I was seeking advice on

[IAmFCA]

He cited the drinking, so the fact that you quit will help. After time passes, and you've still pursued your new path of sobriety and honesty, other changes will happen. With time, your credibility increases.

 

That's it. Clarity, transparency, reliability, honesty, consistency, sobriety. Always, 24/7. Rules to live by. Honor these principles and time will bring trust.

[Maconwoman20]

Really, I'm looking for a starting place to build trust. I'm not blowing his phone up, there's no animosity, he told me he doesn't know how to get past the incedent, which he fully believes was consentual. It's a matter of perception, and I'm not going to just roll over and let him believe that I would do that .

[Maconwoman20]

He cited the drinking, so the fact that you quit will help. After time passes, and you've still pursued your new path of sobriety and honesty, other changes will happen. With time, your credibility increases.

 

That's it. Clarity, transparency, reliability, honesty, consistency, sobriety. Always, 24/7. Rules to live by. Honor these principles and time will bring trust.

 

Thank you. That's great!

[IAmFCA]

Thank you. That's great!

 

 

 

Good on you for sending yourself in an effective direction!

[Ms Darcy]

I don't need to be in a program, I know exactly why I turn to alcohol, I am fully aware. That wasn't the issue I was seeking advice on

 

Whelp, that's a lovely response.

 

Let's break this down.

 

1. Your bf doesn't trust you.

2. He thinks you lied and cheated.

3. At the very least, your lies were related to your drinking.

4. You have stopped drinking.

5. You say he's the best thing that ever happened to you.

6. You don't know if he ever wants to get back together.

 

I think the concern is that if you were basically an alcoholic with the man who is the love of your life, how are you going to stay sober if and when he breaks up with you?

 

Trust, along with respect and communication, are the foundation of a healthy relationship. You both don't have that. There isn't any magic advice to make him trust you again. That's a hard journey that he has to decide if he wants to go down. All you can do is ensure you aren't going to do anything that would cause you to be untrustworthy and just stick to it.

[Ms Darcy]

Really, I'm looking for a starting place to build trust. I'm not blowing his phone up, there's no animosity, he told me he doesn't know how to get past the incedent, which he fully believes was consentual. It's a matter of perception, and I'm not going to just roll over and let him believe that I would do that .

 

It's also possible that, whether he ends up believing it was consensual or not, he doesn't trust being with an alcoholic.

[Maconwoman20]

Whelp, that's a lovely response.

 

Let's break this down.

 

1. Your bf doesn't trust you.

2. He thinks you lied and cheated.

3. At the very least, your lies were related to your drinking.

4. You have stopped drinking.

5. You say he's the best thing that ever happened to you.

6. You don't know if he ever wants to get back together.

 

I think the concern is that if you were basically an alcoholic with the man who is the love of your life, how are you going to stay sober if and when he breaks up with you?

 

Trust, along with respect and communication, are the foundation of a healthy relationship. You both don't have that. There isn't any magic advice to make him trust you again. That's a hard journey that he has to decide if he wants to go down. All you can do is ensure you aren't going to do anything that would cause you to be untrustworthy and just stick to it.

 

It was always my choice to drink. I made a decision to take a drink. Therefore it is my decision to choose not to drink. Did i quit drinking for him? Sure. But at this point, I'm doing it for myself. I have a great deal of support long distance. I'm living in a city where I don't know anyone, I have no friends here (because I am a manager and the company does not allow fraternization). He and I rarely talk and only see each other once every one or two weeks. From this point foward, it will always be my choice, no matter what he decides. I don't need a program to tell me that. I have taken 100% accountability for my actions and am not making excuses, because there are none. I realize that it's his decision to make. But I have to do everything I can possibly do to fight for him and try to right my wrongs, because he is a wonderful, amazing person that I am in love with. I'm not so naive to believe that there's no way possible that I did irreparable damage to our relationship, but I'm not ready to give up.

 

There's no magic answer, i know that, but hopefully there is some helpful, positive insight into what further actions I can take to at least attempt to rebuild the foundation of trust that I broke.

[Maconwoman20]

 

Good on you for sending yourself in an effective direction!

 

Thank you for your encouragement! I really appreciate it!

[boltnrun]

You lied about the details of the occurrence to cover up the fact that you'd been drinking.

 

It's not all that surprising that he has trust issues with you. And you are essentially blaming him by saying he is operating under a "misconception". A "misconception" that you actually helped create when you lied.

 

Maybe if you hadn't lied in the beginning...

[Maconwoman20]

You lied about the details of the occurrence to cover up the fact that you'd been drinking.

 

It's not all that surprising that he has trust issues with you. And you are essentially blaming him by saying he is operating under a "misconception". A "misconception" that you actually helped create when you lied.

 

Maybe if you hadn't lied in the beginning...

 

I'm in no way blaming him, I know why he thinks that, there's no way I could blame him for the that. Of course "if I hadn't lied in the beginning..." but I'm way past that. I can't take that back or change the actions and decisions I made that led me to be in the position I'm in now. All I can do is move forward and try to the best of my ability to earn his trust back.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it's not that simple and once you are in a program that will become clear. The difference between alcoholics and recovering alcoholics is not merely the absence of alcohol. Recovering alcoholics consistently walk the walk. And don't feel entitled to being blindly trusted, telling everyone...get over it, lets move on. That's what alcoholics say after every drinking mess they regret.

[jjkk]

Unfortunately it's not that simple and once you are in a program that will become clear. The difference between alcoholics and recovering alcoholics is not merely the absence of alcohol. Recovering alcoholics consistently walk the walk. And don't feel entitled to being blindly trusted, telling everyone...get over it, lets move on. That's what alcoholics say after every drinking mess they regret.

 

Thank you wiseman2!!! From ME...a recovering addict...yes, very different and it takes time in recovery and treatment to really understand this. It's not about WHY you drink/use, it's about how to live life without the use of drugs or alcohol. Figuring out they why is easy, the HOW to do it successfully takes a lot of learning and support by people who understand recovery and addiction.

[Maconwoman20]

Unfortunately it's not that simple and once you are in a program that will become clear. The difference between alcoholics and recovering alcoholics is not merely the absence of alcohol. Recovering alcoholics consistently walk the walk. And don't feel entitled to being blindly trusted, telling everyone...get over it, lets move on. That's what alcoholics say after every drinking mess they regret.

 

 

My father is a recovering alcoholic. I have been to therapy for years. I know it's not as easy to say oh look I've quit! Everything can be okay now. I know that I've ed up, badly. I am not making excuses for my actions. Does the fact that I want to try to make right what I've done wrong make me entitled?

 

I've looked into programs. I've looked into aa meetings. I do not feel that they are right for me. I have been in touch with counselors. I am working on me. Everyday I get up and my goal is to be the best that I can be, and ask for help when I need it.

 

He's coming to my place this weekend, and I am trying to sort out what I want to say, that will be helpful to the situation, and again, try to begin to fix the foundation of trust that I broke.

[Maconwoman20]

Thank you wiseman2!!! From ME...a recovering addict...yes, very different and it takes time in recovery and treatment to really understand this. It's not about WHY you drink/use, it's about how to live life without the use of drugs or alcohol. Figuring out they why is easy, the HOW to do it successfully takes a lot of learning and support by people who understand recovery and addiction.

 

 

Congratulations on your recovery and sobriety! That is wonderful.

 

With all due respect, I am living my life. I am successful at my job, I am continuing to move forward in my career. I am active in all my friends lives. Do I have bad days? Of course. This is not my first experience with an addiction and I am confident that I will be able to maintain sobriety from all self destructive behaviors. In my experience, the judgement I've encountered in the group settings, is much more detrimental to my mental health and turns into me trying to please others.

 

I don't want to have sobriety for anyone but myself.

 

I don't feel like this forum is the place for me to seek help concerning my sobriety, especially with being told what I NEED to do. I came here seeking advice on building trust, the area of my life that I am at a loss for right now.

[IAmFCA]

Congratulations on your recovery and sobriety! That is wonderful.

 

With all due respect, I am living my life. I am successful at my job, I am continuing to move forward in my career. I am active in all my friends lives. Do I have bad days? Of course. This is not my first experience with an addiction and I am confident that I will be able to maintain sobriety from all self destructive behaviors. In my experience, the judgement I've encountered in the group settings, is much more detrimental to my mental health and turns into me trying to please others.

 

I don't want to have sobriety for anyone but myself.

 

I don't feel like this forum is the place for me to seek help concerning my sobriety, especially with being told what I NEED to do. I came here seeking advice on building trust, the area of my life that I am at a loss for right now.

 

You do a great job of self advocacy.

 

I keep checking back. I know of no short cuts with trust.

 

I've just been through an episode that has taught me a little something about trust actually. I did not trust this person - just someone I wanted to date - and I couldn't get it through my head that he wanted to invest in me, not just have sex with me. So, we found a middle distance, called it "friends", talked about ourselves a very little, and mostly did stuff together in small bits none of which was remarkable. Watch a show on TV, meet for a lunch. Over months, trust built slowly. Eventually, there was a test. We both excelled. Now, trust is plainly present.

 

I had to hang around, and he kept tossing out little crumbs for me to follow, so that we were friends when the test happened (of the gossiping sort).

 

No short cuts. Middle distance. Respect each others boundaries and give each other a wife berth.

 

Then be patient.

[Maconwoman20]

You do a great job of self advocacy.

 

I keep checking back. I know of no short cuts with trust.

 

I've just been through an episode that has taught me a little something about trust actually. I did not trust this person - just someone I wanted to date - and I couldn't get it through my head that he wanted to invest in me, not just have sex with me. So, we found a middle distance, called it "friends", talked about ourselves a very little, and mostly did stuff together in small bits none of which was remarkable. Watch a show on TV, meet for a lunch. Over months, trust built slowly. Eventually, there was a test. We both excelled. Now, trust is plainly present.

 

I had to hang around, and he kept tossing out little crumbs for me to follow, so that we were friends when the test happened (of the gossiping sort).

 

No short cuts. Middle distance. Respect each others boundaries and give each other a wife berth.

 

Then be patient.

 

 

Thank you again for the wonderful advice! I am definitely going to take it!

 

I know that this is his decision to be made and "leaving breadcrumbs" is exactly what I've been doing. Possibly more like loaves of bread, haha, but that's what I've been trying to do. I will step back and let him dictate the terms for the next step and all communication, because that's what I think he's saying he needs. I understand completely that there may not be a happy ending for us and if that's what he decides then I have to live with that. But I am going to continue to push forward and do everything in my power, for however long it takes, to at least try and rebuild, whether that means we end up together, or we are no longer in each others lives.