Married and VERY confused!

[Jaytuinn1]

Hi

 

So to try and make this a short story, I am married (6 years) and have 2 little boys (3,1). I have been with my wife for 12 years and it has been wonderful. I love this women with all my heart. I have the best family! She is hard working, great mother and is for the most part a great wife! But.... We have absolutely NO sexual relation. It's embarrassing! I don't know why, I ask if it me... I ask what I can do to change it. I know with the two little ones it is very tough and exhausting, but what we have is my healthy.

 

So on to my problem. I was away a week ago and met a girl, now I only spoke to her a little and nothing happened. Didn't try and get her number, didn't try and do anything to go behind my wife's back. But her sister and her sisters husband wanted to hangout and they got my number. I got a text the following day from this girl and we have been texting for the past week. She wants me to come back and hangout with her and for the first time in my relationship I am having thoughts of another girl. And I really hate the feeling. I have been in the worst mood all week because I hate this feeling and I'm mad at myself for feeling something like this. I honestly don't know what to do, to get rid of these feelings.

 

Sorry if I went on and on. Might not make sense, but I need to get this out. It's killing me. The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife and I don't think I ever would. Especially with two kids.

[msbrunette]

Hi

 

So to try and make this a short story, I am married (6 years) and have 2 little boys (3,1). I have been with my wife for 12 years and it has been wonderful. I love this women with all my heart. I have the best family! She is hard working, great mother and is for the most part a great wife! But.... We have absolutely NO sexual relation. It's embarrassing! I don't know why, I ask if it me... I ask what I can do to change it. I know with the two little ones it is very tough and exhausting, but what we have is my healthy.

 

So on to my problem. I was away a week ago and met a girl, now I only spoke to her a little and nothing happened. Didn't try and get her number, didn't try and do anything to go behind my wife's back. But her sister and her sisters husband wanted to hangout and they got my number. I got a text the following day from this girl and we have been texting for the past week. She wants me to come back and hangout with her and for the first time in my relationship I am having thoughts of another girl. And I really hate the feeling. I have been in the worst mood all week because I hate this feeling and I'm mad at myself for feeling something like this. I honestly don't know what to do, to get rid of these feelings.

 

Sorry if I went on and on. Might not make sense, but I need to get this out. It's killing me. The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife and I don't think I ever would. Especially with two kids.

 

Delete & block her number.

 

You should be fine then.

 

We can't help attraction, you're married - you're not dead - very much human behavior.

Good for you for not doing anything about it.

You def. should have told the girl that you are married and thus the texting isn't possible.

[Jaytuinn1]

She knows I am married. I didn't hide that... Blocking her number would work I guess.

[jjkk]

Yep...block her number and then arrange for a babysitter and take your wife out on a hot date! Best of luck!!

[Jaytuinn1]

Thanks! The day I got back I told her we need to get away for a night. Just us! Because I would never go behind her back and cheat... But I don't want to even have thoughts of it. Guess that's what's getting me so upset. I guess just having someone so interested in me was a good feeling for a minute.

[msbrunette]

Thanks! The day I got back I told her we need to get away for a night. Just us! Because I would never go behind her back and cheat... But I don't want to even have thoughts of it. Guess that's what's getting me so upset. I guess just having someone so interested in me was a good feeling for a minute.

 

Thoughts will happen. What you do about it is what matters.

Since you told her you're married - kinda says a lot about what type of girl she is.

Singles that mess with married men is horrid but married who seek singles is even more disgusting.

You may be feeling guilty because you entertained the texting for a bit.

Delete her # & yes re-focus on your relationship with your wife.

You have young kids im sure a weekend away would be very beneficial for the both of you.

Find that magic & excitement again.

[Jaytuinn1]

Thanks! Appreciate the advice!

[Wiseman2]

Yeah, definitely block her unless you want major problems.

She knows I am married. I didn't hide that... Blocking her number would work I guess.

[Tanzi]

OK, so deleting and blocking is the easy bit. You will then need to sit down and talk to your wife about the effects that living without intimacy is having on you. Without tackling this issue it won't be long before something like this happens again. The floodgates might not be fully open but they are certainly opening. The longer this goes on the harder it is going to be for you to resist.

[Jaytuinn1]

Yeah. I know I need to talk to her. And I'm not looking to become a sex addict. Even 1 time a week would be fine with me. I hear my friends talk every so often and I wonder the the hell im doing wrong or what is going on with us. Because it's literally non existent.

 

Thanks!

[Wiseman2]

Absolutely talk with her...you need to get out of the roommate-zone.

[Clinton]

All I'll say is you need to talk to your wife about the lack of sex. The first step would be to get her to a physician to see if there are any physical causes for her lack of libido. If there are none, a good sex counsellor would be the next step. A lot of times there are underlying psychological issue for a decreased sex drive.

 

If neither one of you are willing to do the above, well at least one of you really doesn't care about the relationship. Then you have a decision to make. Stay together for the sake of the kids, or go your separate ways.

 

Doing nothing will just invite further exploration into having an affair.

[SooSad33]

"I honestly don't know what to do, to get rid of these feelings."

- How about be HONEST with this gal and ADMIT that you are Married and Respect your wife & relationship too much to mess it up now....

 

And then.... go home and work on your Marriage. Communicate & Respect what you have!

[tina-rocks]

This is transference. Please do not go there, it will only serve to cause pain to all parties concerned and you clearly do still love your wife, or you wouldn't have posted here.

 

Take a breath and as you exhale, think about all your memories you share with your family and except that there is no perfect relationship and in some cases only perfect disasters. Yours is just having a glitch and you and your wife just have to make an effort to give each other time and a good sit down a d talk, will help kick start it.

[Jaytuinn1]

She knows I am married! I did tell her

[lostandhurt]

This is a wake up call and you need to pay attention to it.

 

Look for a marriage counselor without your wife's knowledge. Then make an appointment when you know she can attend (baby sitter already arranged) and then sit down with her holding her hand and tell her that you have made an appointment because all the intimacy is gone between you two and you want to work to get it back. If she refuse's to go then go by yourself so she can see how serious you are.

 

Don't mention this other woman or any of that, just start working on repairing what is broken in your relationship right away. It will not fix itself and this will only get worse I am afraid.

 

Lost

[jdb740]

A few thoughts:

 

1. That's good you told this girl you're married. Everyone says to block her number. I think you guys should stop talking, if you continue it will only increase the likelihood that something could happen between you two. If you're feeling guilty now, just imagine how would you be feel then. I also you think you should text this girl and tell her why you're going to stop talking to her and ask her to respect your boundaries.

 

2. It is nice when someone in interested in you and that the possibility exists there. But that possibility is only there because there is a problem with your marriage. How large or small of a problem isn't for me to say, but if you and your wife aren't intimate and you want to be, then something should be resolved. Either by talking about it together or seeing a counselor as others have suggested. I concur that if you don't address this problem, you're almost setting yourself up for another situation where you're thinking about another girl. Be upfront and honest about what your wants and needs are to your wife.

 

Good luck!

[ThatwasThen]

Hi

 

So to try and make this a short story, I am married (6 years) and have 2 little boys (3,1). I have been with my wife for 12 years and it has been wonderful. I love this women with all my heart. I have the best family! She is hard working, great mother and is for the most part a great wife! But.... We have absolutely NO sexual relation. It's embarrassing! I don't know why, I ask if it me... I ask what I can do to change it. I know with the two little ones it is very tough and exhausting, but what we have is my healthy.

 

So on to my problem. I was away a week ago and met a girl, now I only spoke to her a little and nothing happened. Didn't try and get her number, didn't try and do anything to go behind my wife's back. But her sister and her sisters husband wanted to hangout and they got my number. I got a text the following day from this girl and we have been texting for the past week. She wants me to come back and hangout with her and for the first time in my relationship I am having thoughts of another girl. And I really hate the feeling. I have been in the worst mood all week because I hate this feeling and I'm mad at myself for feeling something like this. I honestly don't know what to do, to get rid of these feelings.

 

Sorry if I went on and on. Might not make sense, but I need to get this out. It's killing me. The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife and I don't think I ever would. Especially with two kids.

I suggest you text her back and say something like: "My wife and I are free Friday night, shall we come over to yours or will we all hang out at the pub"

 

Sir: When is the last time you treated your wife as more then the mother of your children? When is the last time you and she spent an over-night alone without the children where you could focus on one another and forget life getting in the way of you and her and your relationship?

 

She knows I am married! I did tell her

Speaks volumes as to her lack of personal boundaries and her dismal character in general. Be flattered and then start to look at this with realism rather then idealism. You're lusting after an issued twit.

[reinventmyself]

All I'll say is you need to talk to your wife about the lack of sex. The first step would be to get her to a physician to see if there are any physical causes for her lack of libido. If there are none, a good sex counsellor would be the next step. A lot of times there are underlying psychological issue for a decreased sex drive.

.

Oooh! It really troubles me when an OP's initial suggestion is medical intervention for the woman.

Granted it can be the case. Anything is possible.

 

But first and foremost (therapists will say)

that the frequency or lack there of is a barometer of what's going on in the marriage.

Suggesting she has hormonal issues will likely cause further problems. (understatement)

 

Anything is possible but please consider this to be both of your responsibility before anyone suggests

she needs a dr.

Once that is addressed and not resolved, then go to step 2

[dave_1966]

Go out with this woman, have an extramarital affair with her, have your kids growing up to hate you, and then watch her leave you down the line for some other married dude.

[Clinton]

Oooh! It really troubles me when an OP's initial suggestion is medical intervention for the woman.

Granted it can be the case. Anything is possible.

 

But first and foremost (therapists will say)

that the frequency or lack there of is a barometer of what's going on in the marriage.

Suggesting she has hormonal issues will likely cause further problems. (understatement)

 

Anything is possible but please consider this to be both of your responsibility before anyone suggests

she needs a dr.

Once that is addressed and not resolved, then go to step 2

 

While what you say is true to an extent, why go to a counsellor until you rule out something that may be quite simple. Unless of course the counsellor would be the one to suggest it which might smooth the way.

[reinventmyself]

While what you say is true to an extent, why go to a counsellor until you rule out something that may be quite simple. Unless of course the counsellor would be the one to suggest it which might smooth the way.

 

Nothing is ruled out.

It's more about the order in which you go about it.