He keeps disappearing then reappearing. Married man.

[dave_1966]

You've never met him, have you?

[Belkin]

Nope. Don't know his last name. Don't have his number. We were talking a lot though and Skyping often just having conversations over that. At first I didn't mind talking for a bit before meeting, but after 6 weeks I was tired of it.

[Belkin]

I've been through divorce. I haven't dated in a while. I lost a lot of friends after having my health issues. I got attached and enjoyed chatting with him. I suppose I am lonely, but he filled the void I have been feeling for a while. Saying all the right things etc. I have been on other dates but wasn't feeling it for any other men. No spark.

[boltnrun]

When you say you "got carried away with flirting and everything"...I'm presuming that means you crossed over the "friends" line? And that you kind of went back on insisting you two could only be "friends" until and unless he separated from his wife?

 

If so, I guess that's a big part of why you're hurting.

 

It's just a lesson for next time. Respect your own boundaries because if you don't, no one else will.

[Belkin]

Correct. Lots of stuff said like "I ache to be with you," "I'm leaving her, you just need to be patient," and "I want you to be the last woman I'm ever with." Emotional stuff that girls love.

[greta96]

Correct. Lots of stuff said like "I ache to be with you," "I'm leaving her, you just need to be patient," and "I want you to be the last woman I'm ever with." Emotional stuff that girls love.

 

But you do realize this is all BS talk, considering you two don't know each other at all, right?

[Wiseman2]

You may to work on these things because not only does this make you susceptible to married guys like this, but scammers catfish and anyone trained to "say all the right things". These types can sniff out lonely hearts who make good targets.

 

Get a system down where you message briefly then proceed to meeting in a timely fashion, rather than getting sucked in through cyber chat.

I suppose I am lonely, but he filled the void I have been feeling for a while. Saying all the right things etc.

[reinventmyself]

I've been through divorce. I haven't dated in a while. I lost a lot of friends after having my health issues. I got attached and enjoyed chatting with him. I suppose I am lonely, but he filled the void I have been feeling for a while. Saying all the right things etc. I have been on other dates but wasn't feeling it for any other men. No spark.

 

I find it interesting that you have been married previously, yet you fell for a married, unavailable man.

 

I think those of us who have been married frown on other women waiting in the wings for an opportunity to scoop up on a supposed unhappy husband. (which is the oldest game in book bytheway)

[Belkin]

I was unhappy in my marriage for a while so I know how it feels to be unhappy in a marriage and miss that spark and all of that. However, I stayed in my marriage for a year and tried to make things work. When it didn't we called it a day and I didn't cheat. I will never understand why people get on dating sites or cheat if they are unhappy. I'm a firm believer of getting out of a situation if you have tried all you can to fix things and it still isn't working. He's obviously not happy, but that is his business.

 

Yes I agree i am probably very vulnerable right now. I lost a lot of confidence and his words in the moment made me feel wanted again.

[reinventmyself]

I was unhappy in my marriage for a while so I know how it feels to be unhappy in a marriage and miss that spark and all of that. However, I stayed in my marriage for a year and tried to make things work. When it didn't we called it a day and I didn't cheat. I will never understand why people get on dating sites or cheat if they are unhappy. I'm a firm believer of getting out of a situation if you have tried all you can to fix things and it still isn't working. He's obviously not happy, but that is his business.

 

Yes I agree i am probably very vulnerable right now. I lost a lot of confidence and his words in the moment made me feel wanted again.

 

When my marriage was falling apart my soon-to-be-ex met someone. When I realized what was going on I asked him and didn't get any straight answers. I had already filed and he was trying hard to win me back. It was a confusing, sad time.

 

So . .I called her. I was calm and respectful and asked her what her relationship was with my husband. Her response "He just seems like he needs someone to talk to, besides I understand you don't want him anymore" and then turn the questions on me. Those words she spoke still ring in my head today, 16 years later.

 

I quickly decided this was a bad move on my part and ended the phone call, thanking her for her time, but I wasn't prepared to answer her questions.

 

All I could think of is - if a distraught husband and father of small children showed up on my doorstep 'needing someone to talk to' - I would send his a** home to his family!

 

I would not have seen it as an opportunity like she did.

 

I have too much respect for other women and families in general. Marriages are challenging. I don't want any part in making it more difficult than it needs to be.

 

They stayed together for 8 years and during that time I never respected her or acknowledged her for that matter either.

 

His new girlfriend I like so much, he has to come between us to get us to stop chatting.

[Belkin]

When we first started chatting it seemed different than recently. He kept saying he wanted to tell me something but wasn't ready to. I thought he was going to tell me he was gay or something. I wasn't expecting married to be the thing. It seemed like he was going to meet up (and before I knew about he marriage I assumed maybe he was just a really slow mover or had some issues). It doesn't matter now anyway. I think he should sort things out with his wife because he obviously isn't ready to leave. He said they have lots of assets. Maybe he doesn't want her taking half of everything. Maybe this new wife is the one he cheated with on the last. Hard to know.

[kitkat620]

What the hell is HE doing? what the hell are YOU doing? He's married. NEXT!

[Wiseman2]

That cliff hanger suspense is how they keep you hooked. "She'll take me to the cleaners" is second only after "For the kids" as far as excuses go. Try to use logic, as unromantic as that sounds it keeps your head on right. Feeding your heart and soul junk food like this will only make you sick.

He kept saying he wanted to tell me something but wasn't ready to. Maybe he doesn't want her taking half of everything. Maybe this new wife is the one he cheated with on the last. Hard to know.

[Belkin]

Yes. Thanks a lot. I almost wish his wife knew what a scumbag he is. I'm assuming saying she had been talking to another man was just the sob story.

[Wiseman2]

She probably does. All scammers and liars are "victims" of something or another. Victim mentality is a red flag

Thanks a lot. I almost wish his wife knew what a scumbag he is. I'm assuming saying she had been talking to another man was just the sob story.

[Ms Darcy]

He's a married man trying to make you his side chick.

[greta96]

I'm assuming saying she had been talking to another man was just the sob story.

 

Of course that's what it was. I can bet you anything that his wife knows nothing about them having marital problems, because they don't have any (aside for him being a scumbag). Good men don't deal with their wives cheating by making profiles on online dating sites and preying on lonely women looking for someone to love them, I hope you know that.

He simply followed the standard timeline for cheaters. Had he told you from day one that he was married, would you have continued talking to him? Doubtful, and he knows that. This is why he kept the chats going for so long without meeting in person, to give you enough time to get attached to him, because we all know once we get attached we tend to ignore red flags and to give chances where normally we wouldn't. By having you emotionally hooked first - which was easily accomplished by him telling you everything he knew you wanted to hear - he increased his odds of you not running for the hills the second he dropped the married bomb on you, and hey, it worked. Not as well as he had hoped, but you didn't run away either, so mission accomplished for him. See, he is in a way smart, he didn't want to take the risk of meeting with you and probably having sex with you not knowing about his marital status, because he wanted to avoid you turning around in rage and trying to get a hold of his wife somehow and spill the beans. He wanted to set things up so that you would meet him and have sex with him, knowing that he was married, this is what he was aiming for. This way, you would have been an 'accomplice' to the cheating and you would have had no right to accuse him of anything, because you would have agreed to it knowing the whole situation. He would have told you "but I was honest with you, you knew I was married, and you still had sex with me, so then why are you complaining?".

 

This is all there was, all the sweet things he told you, all the future faking, all the promises - a huge bunch of BS, meant to throw wool over your eyes. He will not sort anything out with his wife because there is nothing to sort out, aside from him cheating their marriage is fine. He has no intentions to divorce her because he only wants to cheat, not to start dating and get married all over again.

[Belkin]

Why do people like this stay married if they are unhappy? Makes no sense to me. He is obviously lacking something. Also, he never once suggested meeting for sex. He seems to just hide behind a computer.

[annie24]

Why do people like this stay married if they are unhappy? Makes no sense to me. He is obviously lacking something. Also, he never once suggested meeting for sex. He seems to just hide behind a computer.

 

People stay married for many reasons - money is a big one. Getting a divorce is expensive. Sometimes, there are kids, a house, a joint business, family pressures, religion, etc...... I think things with his wife are probably not as bad as they appear, because he would have left her if it was.

 

Chatting with a woman online can be a fun way for him to spend his time - like a hobby. However, it is not productive for you.

 

Anyway, why are you still hung up on this guy? block and move on. By continuing to talk to him, you're just wasting your time. there are plenty of men online who are single and looking to meet you today!

[Belkin]

Well I haven't met anyone I am interested in yet. Hopefully that changes soon.

[annie24]

Well I haven't met anyone I am interested in yet. Hopefully that changes soon.

 

keep looking. just block the married man. he's a time waster. you're better off spending your time doing anything other than talking to him. paint your nails. clean your place. write to some other men.

 

In the future, stop talking to a man if he doesn't ask you out within a week or two. Men who are single and looking to meet want to do so sooner rather than later. Or you ask him out. DOn't let things drag for over a month.

[annie24]

Correct. Lots of stuff said like "I ache to be with you," "I'm leaving her, you just need to be patient," and "I want you to be the last woman I'm ever with." Emotional stuff that girls love.

 

don't you think that those are really weird things for a man to say - particularly if he's never even met you ONCE on a date?

[reinventmyself]

I get the poster has her own personal challenges, but I am having a hard time with the victim mentality when she knew he was married but still chose to continue going forward with it.

[Cherrybomb3]

I loled so hard reading what he said to you. You can't possibly be falling for that crap? You haven't even met him.

[DancingFool]

Why do people like this stay married if they are unhappy? Makes no sense to me. He is obviously lacking something. Also, he never once suggested meeting for sex. He seems to just hide behind a computer.

 

Why you are ASSUMING that he is unhappy? You realize that it is an assumption right? Men who are out there preying like that on weak vulnerable souls are not unhappy at all. They are quite happy and content, in fact downright smug. They have their family and the wife and go coach their kids soccer games and go to Church on Sunday and talk how great their wife is and they get off on cheating and manipulating people like you - vulnerable and starving for romance. It's an ego trip, it's a power trip, it's just getting their rocks off and you are just a tool. He, however, is the master of his universe and life is good. He is feeding those bs lines to you and a dozen others in his collection. The more the merrier for him. Unfortunately you are still seeing him as the poor victim of a bad marriage - the only victim here is you, in that you fell for an oldest con in the book.