After 3 date ...nice mam but stingy .what to do

[greta96]

I don't need to be a "cool" girlfriend. I just need to be a non-entitled human.

 

It has nothing to do with entitlement....I think it's safe to say you and I see life in completely different colors and we'll never understand each other

[ThatwasThen]

if there's a lot she really likes about this guy, then maybe she can gently guide him toward being more attuned to her wants and needs without trying to change him as a person.

When they are only on date/meet up No.2 and he doesn't have the common courtesy to see that she gets to her train safely then he is beyond "training." It was a job his mother should have taught him or his father through example as he was growing up. Geeze they even teach about kindness in school. He must have been absent that day! O.o

[reinventmyself]

I don't feel entitled, yet I appreciate the gesture and I acknowledge someone for having done it.

 

I don't doubt I am perfectly capable but I would still appreciate a man asking if I made it home ok.

For that matter, I ask my bf to let me know when he gets home after making the long drive.

 

I am not going to lie that seeing it appeared to be late, a woman walking by herself can,

at times not be the best of ideas. Yet I do it all the time.

 

Unless I am mistaken that's one of the many reasons why we seek out a partner.

To have someone in your life that is looking out for your welfare, whether it's physical, emotional or otherwise.

It goes both ways.

 

This was his opportunity to make a small gesture and give her an indication of what he has to offer.

The same goes for her.

 

I agree with the `whom ever asks, pays' creed bytheway.

[j.man]

When they are only on date/meet up No.2 and he doesn't have the common courtesy to see that she gets to her train safely then he is beyond "training." It was a job his mother should have taught him or his father through example as he was growing up. Geeze they even teach about kindness in school. He must have been absent that day! O.o

Or it could mean he's either not interested in her in the least or he's not the type to concern himself over whether the woman he just went on a date with is going to be among the 0.00014% of the UK population who didn't in fact make it home OK that night.

 

I almost instinctively tell people to let me know they made it home OK, particularly if it's late. That goes for men or women. It's a blurt, more or less just a late night version of "good bye." If they don't get back to me that night, I don't lose sleep.

[ThatwasThen]

Or it could mean he's either not interested in her in the least or he's not the type to concern himself over whether the woman he just went on a date with is going to be among the 0.00014% of the UK population who didn't in fact make it home OK that night.

I'm surprised at your stance on this, J. Even men who are not interested in a girl can be decent. He wasn't decent in the least.

 

I almost instinctively tell people to let me know they made it home OK, particularly if it's late. That goes for men or women. It's a blurt, more or less just a late night version of "good bye." If they don't get back to me that night, I don't lose sleep.

I'm not sure what you do has to do with this situation. Not only did he not walk her to her stop, he didn't bother calling her to see if Jack the Rippers third cousin once removed got to her or not.

 

Anyway, like I said. His indifference would be enough for *me* to decline any further "dates." I value myself more then to settle for inconsideration when what is being considered was such a small thing for him to have done.

[j.man]

I'm surprised at your stance on this, J. Even men who are not interested in a girl can be decent. He wasn't decent in the least.

 

I'm not sure what you do has to do with this situation. Not only did he not walk her to her stop, he didn't bother calling her to see if Jack the Rippers third cousin once removed got to her or not.

 

Anyway, like I said. His indifference would be enough for *me* to decline any further "dates." I value myself more then to settle for inconsideration when what is being considered was such a small thing for him to have done.

There's decent and indecent, but not acting the former doesn't necessarily imply the latter. Walking her to the stop and following up with her through SMS would definitely be "decent." But simply trusting she made it home fine considering there's statistically less than a thousandth of a percent chance one will be attacked on a single given night in the UK isn't inherently "indecent." If we wanted to nitpick, we'd be criticizing her for not walking him and following up with him being that he's statistically twice as likely to be attacked than she is. But I don't know a single man who gets in a fit about walking alone, nor should he.

 

Would I have walked her? No doubt. It's how I was raise and it's habitual. That said, I know I can be an ***hole but I really do try to keep my character labeling reason-based even if someone's actions don't match up to my own. If you'd asked me 10 years ago when I just assumed like most others that women had an assault waiting for them around every corner, I'd have called this guy an ass on page one. But really, it's not the case and I think a guy can still be an alright guy letting her make her own way to the stop just as he did. Can I personally identify with him? Can't say as much. But I can understand it to the extent I can see him as indifferent rather than an jerk.

 

I do think that this along with her other threads on the guy provide enough information to indicate he's not all that into her, though. It's probably best to move on. It shouldn't be too difficult to find a man willing to walk her.

[Hermes]

And anyhow (and ask any policeman) 99% of assaults and murders are perpetrated by persons known to the victim, as in family members et al.

[ThatwasThen]

There's decent and indecent, but not acting the former doesn't necessarily imply the latter.

No and I wasn't meaning to imply that he was indecent in general... just that he doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt and if it were me, I would decline any further of my time to find out if his not being a decent bloke was just that one time or he is always such a inconsiderate twit.

 

Walking her to the stop and following up with her through SMS would definitely be "decent."

Yes. Even just walking her would have been.

 

But simply trusting she made it home fine considering there's statistically less than a thousandth of a percent chance one will be attacked on a single given night in the UK isn't inherently "indecent."

No it's just inconsiderate and smarmy IMO

 

If we wanted to nitpick, we'd be criticizing her for not walking him and following up with him being that he's statistically twice as likely to be attacked than she is. But I don't know a single man who gets in a fit about walking alone, nor should he.

you must have long arms because that's quite a reach. I'm going back to re-read Sportsters post.

 

Would I have walked her? No doubt. It's how I was raise and it's habitual. That said, I know I can be an ***hole but I really do try to keep my character labeling reason-based even if someone's actions don't match up to my own.

Glad you cleared that up because I was beginning to wonder if you would have left her there too. BTW: I'm saying he was indifferent and apathetic to her according to the opening post.

 

If you'd asked me 10 years ago when I just assumed like most others that women had an assault waiting for them around every corner, I'd have called this guy an ass on page one. But really, it's not the case

and it's really not the issue. The issue is that he didn't care enough to make sure that one little chance didn't occur.

 

and I think a guy can still be an alright guy letting her make her own way to the stop just as he did. Can I personally identify with him? Can't say as much. But I can understand it to the extent I can see him as indifferent rather than an jerk.

Like I said, I wouldn't have any time for his indifference.

 

I do think that this along with her other threads on the guy provide enough information to indicate he's not all that into her, though. It's probably best to move on. It shouldn't be too difficult to find a man willing to walk her.

Agreed that she should move on. I certainly would.

[notalady]

Lol the thread just kept going after the OP already got her answer huh?

[reinventmyself]

Lol the thread just kept going after the OP already got her answer huh?

 

Not the first time and not the last

[bulletproof]

 

This was his opportunity to make a small gesture and give her an indication of what he has to offer.

The same goes for her.

 

 

Right. Neither of them made that gesture.

The word entitlement simply means the belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges. She felt entitled to a walk to the train and a follow-up text, because she's female.

I agree that we seek out a partner to have our back, so to speak. But these two are nowhere near the partner level, and I don't think that him neglecting to do these things is an indication of anything other than he believes her capable of getting herself home.

Nobody has to agree with this. Nobody has to like it.

But my hope is that people at least acknowledge that terming it a dealbreaker, unforgivable, or any other extreme is slightly over the top for a relationship that's at the third-date stage.

 

I find it interesting that so many posters on ENA are upset that they're single, yet will throw someone to the wind because of something that might mean absolutely nothing.

[reinventmyself]

Right. Neither of them made that gesture.

The word entitlement simply means the belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges. She felt entitled to a walk to the train and a follow-up text, because she's female.

I agree that we seek out a partner to have our back, so to speak. But these two are nowhere near the partner level, and I don't think that him neglecting to do these things is an indication of anything other than he believes her capable of getting herself home.

Nobody has to agree with this. Nobody has to like it.

But my hope is that people at least acknowledge that terming it a dealbreaker, unforgivable, or any other extreme is slightly over the top for a relationship that's at the third-date stage.

 

I find it interesting that so many posters on ENA are upset that they're single, yet will throw someone to the wind because of something that might mean absolutely nothing.

That's well and good but I personally wouldn't tell someone else how they should measure a dates worthiness. My measuring stick is different from the next.

A date is a limited amount of time and variety of subtle queues and tests to decide of you want to take it another step further.

If these things were important to her. . so be it.

I agree all the things seem pretty innocuous . . but I wasn't there.

[ThatwasThen]

Right. Neither of them made that gesture.

The word entitlement simply means the belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges. She felt entitled to a walk to the train and a follow-up text, because she's female.

I think she felt that she valued herself enough to see indifference and apathy towards her so she's being smart enough to next him for someone who at least shows concern. It has nothing to do with her feeling "entitled." Female or male gender has nothing to do with who feels entitled so to say "because she is a woman" is absurd... just to counter your opinionated opinion with my opinionated opinion. Ha!

 

I agree that we seek out a partner to have our back, so to speak. But these two are nowhere near the partner level,

When someone is only on date No. 2 and if they want to make a good first impression then he failed miserably... good reason not to continue on further to the land of "partnership.

 

and I don't think that him neglecting to do these things is an indication of anything other than he believes her capable of getting herself home.

Well, that's where you and a few others of us differ. Of course he believes she's capable of getting herself home. If he didn't think she could and he left her anyway then not only is he indifferent, he would be one step closer to being a sociopath.

 

Nobody has to agree with this. Nobody has to like it.

No but we can debate it.

But my hope is that people at least acknowledge that terming it a dealbreaker, unforgivable, or any other extreme is slightly over the top for a relationship that's at the third-date stage.

Au Contraire... that is when most men are showing you their best behaviour and if that's the case, he can only go down hill from here.

 

I find it interesting that so many posters on ENA are upset that they're single, yet will throw someone to the wind because of something that might mean absolutely nothing.

Would you rather they settle or waste good dating time on someone that will more likely then not go down hill from here? I'm not single, haven't been for a long time. I think that's because I quickly learned that you don't waste time. There are too many choices out there (especially now with OLD) particularly when they show you who they are and it's someone who isn't showing me that they care. Care is different then love or like which no one would expect him to know if he loved her or even liked her at date two or three but at least he could show her he cared. He didn't and he hasn't much showed her care YET.

Just My 2 cents.

[Ms Darcy]

For me personally, I have to get to know the guy before I assume his actions are from a lack of chivalry/selfishness or just lack of awareness. I think because I had known that my husband was new to dating when we first started out so many years ago, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He did mention that he doesn't pick up hints at all so I told him it would make me feel safe and cared for if he opened doors and walked me to my door. Those things simply didn't occur to him. (Later, he told me he was nervous and just trying not to sound like an idiot during conversation.) I only mentioned that once and he's kept on doing it ... and still does it though we are married!

 

I say if he's a nice person, there are always to nicely request what you like. If he doesn't want to, then that tells you he might not be right for you.

[notalady]

That's a nice story MD, but I think OP wants a guy who knows how to do those things by himself, without being asked. Not right or wrong but clearly this guy isn't compatible with her.

[The Cold One]

I don't read any signs of stinginess here . I think the way it went was completely fine and honestly you're kinda fussing over little stuff , you're still way in the beginning of this thing and I personally don't see anything discouraging here . Give yourself a some time and a break from these kind of thoughts. Hope everything goes fine .

[j.man]

That's a nice story MD, but I think OP wants a guy who knows how to do those things by himself, without being asked. Not right or wrong but clearly this guy isn't compatible with her.

Exactly. She has a man she wants in mind and this man simply doesn't fit the bill.

 

Men are exponentially more likely to not make it home safe than a woman is, so let's ditch the whole "a man should make sure she's OK" argument. If you like that kind of attention and expect it from your date, that's perfectly fine, but don't pretend the expectation of it is anything less than a sense of entitlement, which you're entitled to have.

 

I don't understand why some people can't stop at "this person isn't right for me" and need to throw out a bunch of unsubstantiated negative character descriptors as well. Just keep to your standards and be aware some people aren't going to fulfill them.

[Silverbirch]

I'm female. If people come visit me and have to drive home a bit of distance whether they are male or female, I Always ask them to text me to let me know they got home safe, and genuinely would send out the search party if they didn't.

 

There's lots of discussion on ENA about who should pay for what. I've been with stingey, and then I've been to dinner with millionaire several times over who insisted on paying. I let him. Despite the promises the millionaire made, I decided he wasn't for me BUT being with a man who is generous is SOOOOOOO much better than stingey, I think the issue with the train wasn't right either - and glad I would never have to travel at night on public transport.

 

I'm at the stage in life where I don't want to be concerned with that sort of thing. True, I agree that you should have been more direct at the beginning or even before the date if you wanted to go out for a meal.

 

I had a friend who used to say that if a man can't be generous towards her, then he can't afford her. There were always plenty of men wanting to take her out. She was very selective.

[ThatwasThen]

Exactly. She has a man she wants in mind and this man simply doesn't fit the bill.

 

Men are exponentially more likely to not make it home safe than a woman is, so let's ditch the whole "a man should make sure she's OK" argument. If you like that kind of attention and expect it from your date, that's perfectly fine, but don't pretend the expectation of it is anything less than a sense of entitlement, which you're entitled to have.

No pretending about it. Everyone should be entitled to be shown care. And if you (the general you) don't expect that from who are are getting to know then I have to wonder why you don't value yourself enough to expect at least that.

I don't understand why some people can't stop at "this person isn't right for me" and need to throw out a bunch of unsubstantiated negative character descriptors as well. Just keep to your standards and be aware some people aren't going to fulfill them.

Its a matter of opinion. Simply: If the shoe fits!

[greta96]

I don't understand why some people can't stop at "this person isn't right for me" and need to throw out a bunch of unsubstantiated negative character descriptors as well..

 

That's exactly it, in order to say "this person isn't right for me" a few things need to happen first, such as seeing a bunch of what we perceive as negative character traits in our dates. How else would we draw the conclusion that they are not the right people for us? Each and every one of us has a set of deal breakers, and most of the females I know, be it family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, they all like a guy who has manners. Of course there are women out there who prefer guys who don't have them, and that's fine, whatever floats their boats.

Manners are nice to have; unfortunately they are becoming obsolete, it seems. And I thank my lucky stars every day that I am not single, and that my partner knows how to treat a woman. Reading this forum really helps me put things in perspective, and helps me appreciate what I have even more.

[j.man]

No pretending about it. Everyone should be entitled to be shown care. And if you (the general you) don't expect that from who are are getting to know then I have to wonder why you don't value yourself enough to expect at least that.

 

Its a matter of opinion. Simply: If the shoe fits!

So, given that the boyfriend is twice as likely not to have arrived home safely and the OP didn't walk him to the train or so much as text to make sure he got back OK, I hope he values himself enough not to bother with the OP.

 

It's not the being shown care I'm debating. It's the arbitrary discrepancy in standards, which are perfectly fine to have. We all have them. But that doesn't mean we should present them in objective terms.

[Ms Darcy]

That's a nice story MD, but I think OP wants a guy who knows how to do those things by himself, without being asked. Not right or wrong but clearly this guy isn't compatible with her.

 

I understand that. It's an open discussion so I was just giving her another perspective to consider NAL.

[ThatwasThen]

So, given that the boyfriend is twice as likely not to have arrived home safely and the OP didn't walk him to the train or so much as text to make sure he got back OK, I hope he values himself enough not to bother with the OP.

 

It's not the being shown care I'm debating. It's the arbitrary discrepancy in standards, which are perfectly fine to have. We all have them. But that doesn't mean we should present them in objective terms.

We already discussed this. Its called standards and decency and care so; if you think that she should have walked him and because she didn't then she's not worth calling again, then so be it.

[thornz]

The issues are in my opinion:

 

General incompatibility

 

You enjoy chivalry, he's not overly chivalrous.

 

You like a man to take the lead/catch on hints, he doesn't.

 

You like a man who would say least offer to pay for the larger part of the date, he's frugal/low income/rightly cautious . .

 

Rudeness

 

Didn't even bother to check up to see if you enjoyed the date or to enquire if you got home safely/inform you that he arrived home safely.

 

I would not entertain the idea of a second date for the rudeness alone, the incompatibility would also put me off regardless of the lack of manners.

[youareworthy]

Men are exponentially more likely to not make it home safe than a woman is, so let's ditch the whole "a man should make sure she's OK" argument. If you like that kind of attention and expect it from your date, that's perfectly fine, but don't pretend the expectation of it is anything less than a sense of entitlement, which you're entitled to have.

 

Hi J.Man,

 

LOL about your last 5 words!

 

This feisty thread is the first time I have heard the statistics you are citing.

 

Up until now, the expectation in my mind of a man at least inquiring if I would like to be walked to my train has been based in large part on my fear of being raped or robbed. When I was 18, I narrowly escaped being raped, somehow managing to flee the scene on foot after having been roughly and involuntarily stripped half-naked by a coworker. When I was 38, I was held up at gunpoint in a good city neighborhood by two large young men on a very dark November Saturday evening at 7:00 pm. I was walking the one block between my church and my car in a very good neighborhood.

 

I was unaware that a man walking me to a location in the dark was risking his life at twice the rate that I am. I do know that violent crimes to either gender are far less likely to happen if two (or more) people walk together. I also agree with Sportster that, violent crimes aside, women seem to be more likely to be pestered and intimidated. Whether that is statistically true or not, I don't know, but I do know that I have been subjected to less than kind remarks when walking alone.

 

I would hate to be considered "entitled" if I am in my 50s, coming from a background in which my grandfather and father, brother and uncles, and the men I have dated (with one or two glaring exceptions) exhibited the kinds of courtesy that the men Greta knows did, and that you seem to! Especially given the past crimes I have experienced.

 

Sigh. Never a dull moment on ENA!

 

Youareworthy