Wedding ring from ex-wife given to me from husband!! :-((((

[sorbet123]

After dating for a year, I married my husband. We are married since 5 months now. I found out that the wedding ring he gave to me, was his ex-wifes wedding ring. Also the engraving inside (a love quote) was made for her. I am so shocked. I feel cheated and worthless. When asking my husband if the ring he gave me was his ex-wifes ring, he only said "no, it's a similar ring" and was super angry. I said to him that I saw his old wedding photos and the ring looks identical. I couldn't tell him that I know 100 % that it is the ring of his ex-wife, as I found out when I was spying in his e-mails.

 

What should I do? Why did he do that???? I dont want to destroy our marriage, but this makes me feel so inferior.... I was not good enough for him to buy a brand new ring and get it engraved just for me... (

 

I Need some good advice how to get along with this Situation.

 

thank you.

[jennylove]

I have no words.

[Seraphim]

Wow, I am sorry.

[limichelle]

Oh wow! I don't blame you for being furious!! I think you should talk to him and tell him you know it's hers and you don't buy the it's similar story. Demand to know why he would do such a thoughtless thing. I think you really need to communicate with him on this. Otherwise your stuck with a hand me down.

 

Lisa

[jennylove]

The part that's even more upsetting is how he got angry with you when you questioned the similarities. I really don't like your husband. Frankly, I would divorce him, you've only been married 5 months. He had the audacity to give you a ring that he picked out for his exW, you questioned the ring and he got angry AND lied. Does he tend to spin the blame on you a lot? He can take the ring and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

[sorbet123]

Oh wow! I don't blame you for being furious!! I think you should talk to him and tell him you know it's hers and you don't buy the it's similar story. Demand to know why he would do such a thoughtless thing. I think you really need to communicate with him on this. Otherwise your stuck with a hand me down.

 

Lisa

 

but how can I confront him when I "officially" dont know. He will blame me to not trust him. I can not tell him that I was spying...

i comfort myself thinking "he was just to lazy to get a new one, he had no bad intention... he was just to lazy".

it breaks my heart.

[alc16]

In this situation.. Who cares if you were spying.. I would be telling him to take the ring and shove it.

 

Any normal person would know that is clearly not okay, and he was too "lazy".. Really does sound like a piece of work.

[missmarple]

This is one case when I'm left speechless. Leave this jerk now while it's still early enough and there are no kids.

[Knot2loud]

From a guys perspective... That's pretty cheesy. Even being given an "identical" ring is cheesy.

 

What do you do? You just tell him you WANT your own wedding band and not someone else's. And... You pick it out.

 

You're his wife... You DESERVE your own wedding band. Then when you get one. Give him a swift kick in the derriere.

[greta96]

I'd just tell him that I dislike the fact that the ring is too similar to his ex's and that I would like another ring that I'd pick myself. If he fails to hear you out and do something about it, then don't wear it. You don't even have to confess that you spied and you know what you know, if you are afraid it would affect your marriage.

I don't think he meant harm, he was probably too cheap to invest in a new ring when he had the old one available. Yes it was a stupid thing to do and very selfish and lazy, but it's not a reason to divorce the man!

[CyntralTime]

Show him the emails. He can't argue evidence. Well he can try, but I am sure he will fail miserably.

[ArtyO]

Ok so here's my take on it.

 

Before I even met my wife, I had an engagement and wedding ring custom made with special diamonds and gems (now worth tens of thousands of dollars). I ensured they were unique and of the highest quality. It was a ring that represented me for my wife to wear. I know this is very odd, but every time someone saw it on her, I wanted them to know she was my spouse and I gave her the ring that represented me.

 

We are legally separated after 12 years of marriage and she has the rings still. I would never expect her to give them back, nor would I ever give them to another woman. But possiblly your husband also sees these rings as being a representation of him, and thus rationalizes that they are from him, not a reflection of a previous marriage. Thats all I can speculate.

[Knot2loud]

It's still cheesy.

[sorbet123]

Greta, thanks for your great words

I'd just tell him that I dislike the fact that the ring is too similar to his ex's and that I would like another ring that I'd pick myself. If he fails to hear you out and do something about it, then don't wear it. You don't even have to confess that you spied and you know what you know, if you are afraid it would affect your marriage.

I don't think he meant harm, he was probably too cheap to invest in a new ring when he had the old one available. Yes it was a stupid thing to do and very selfish and lazy, but it's not a reason to divorce the man!

[sorbet123]

i hope... i hope. otherwise it would kill me. it really hurts so much.

when we decided to marry, he told me he doesnt like to wear a wedding ring (he really doesnt ever wear any rings or jewelerry).. but he then told me to get me one if I really want it. And I said okay.. then there he was with both rings.. he just wore his ring on our wedding day.. then put it off. and i was and i am fine with that.

 

however, i am absolutely not fine with the fact that these are rings bought for his previous marriage... and he had something special engraved for that women, no name only "love conquers all". wow. and I thought it was ment to me...

i feel like a fool and unlove. not special enough to get my very OWN wedding ring.

 

Ok so here's my take on it.

 

Before I even met my wife, I had an engagement and wedding ring custom made with special diamonds and gems (now worth tens of thousands of dollars). I ensured they were unique and of the highest quality. It was a ring that represented me for my wife to wear. I know this is very odd, but every time someone saw it on her, I wanted them to know she was my spouse and I gave her the ring that represented me.

 

We are legally separated after 12 years of marriage and she has the rings still. I would never expect her to give them back, nor would I ever give them to another woman. But possiblly your husband also sees these rings as being a representation of him, and thus rationalizes that they are from him, not a reflection of a previous marriage. Thats all I can speculate.

[j.man]

Some of y'all are cold as ice. Look, what guy did was tacky. Real tacky. I wonder what kind of ring OP got her husband, though?

 

I'm all for her asserting herself and telling him she won't wear it. I'm even all for her being peeved at the audacity. But you take a deep breath, let him know you're not at all cool with it, and either ask him if you two can go pick out together and pick out a ring you want or simply go out and get your own.

 

It baffles me in this age of modern feminism and equality just how many expectations are stacked up against men in the purchasing of a single piece of jewelry. As bad as even I can see it was as a guy, the sheer costs and expectations unfortunately do not permit us to think of it in a purely sentimental way like the women receiving them do. We've got very big pragmatic circumstances to concern ourselves with.

 

In his mind, if he's got something that already works perfectly, "why not?" It's practical and it's probably a very nice ring. It's lazy, but it's not something you dump a marriage over. I can't remember the last wedding ring I saw on a guy's finger and thought, "Wow, a lot of thought must have gone into buying him that." (Assuming he didn't purchase his own)

 

I do hope he comes around and gets you your own ring that's exclusive to you.

[ArtyO]

Thats a shame and you need to communicate your feelings about this to him. If he is appologetic and sincere about why he gave them to you, you can be certain that he was really just that clueless about it. If he gets angry, you can be certain that he was trying to be cheap and was trying to cover it up with lies. His emotions will give you the best indication, not what he says.

[faraday]

I am at a lost for words as well. That's crazy! I'm all about vintage rings...but you know, from random strangers- not ex spouses.

 

Apparently love doesn't conquer all.

 

Honestly, I don't think this qualifies as divorce material...but he has shown you his lack of originality...so expect that again he will buy you similar gifts he bought the ex.

 

How long has he been divorced and how long was your courtship?

[sorbet123]

Thanks for your comment j.man, It really helpes me to get fine with the Situation. But how can I tell him about the ring, when I am officially not supposed to know?

Some of y'all are cold as ice. Look, what guy did was tacky. Real tacky. I wonder what kind of ring OP got her husband, though?

 

I'm all for her asserting herself and telling him she won't wear it. I'm even all for her being peeved at the audacity. But you take a deep breath, let him know you're not at all cool with it, and either ask him if you two can go pick out together and pick out a ring you want or simply go out and get your own.

 

It baffles me in this age of modern feminism and equality just how many expectations are stacked up against men in the purchasing of a single piece of jewelry. As bad as even I can see it was as a guy, the sheer costs and expectations unfortunately do not permit us to think of it in a purely sentimental way like the women receiving them do. We've got very big pragmatic circumstances to concern ourselves with.

 

In his mind, if he's got something that already works perfectly, "why not?" It's practical and it's probably a very nice ring. It's lazy, but it's not something you dump a marriage over. I can't remember the last wedding ring I saw on a guy's finger and thought, "Wow, a lot of thought must have gone into buying him that." (Assuming he didn't purchase his own)

 

I do hope he comes around and gets you your own ring that's exclusive to you.

[TMifune]

Some of y'all are cold as ice. Look, what guy did was tacky. Real tacky. I wonder what kind of ring OP got her husband, though?

 

I'm all for her asserting herself and telling him she won't wear it. I'm even all for her being peeved at the audacity. But you take a deep breath, let him know you're not at all cool with it, and either ask him if you two can go pick out together and pick out a ring you want or simply go out and get your own.

 

It baffles me in this age of modern feminism and equality just how many expectations are stacked up against men in the purchasing of a single piece of jewelry. As bad as even I can see it was as a guy, the sheer costs and expectations unfortunately do not permit us to think of it in a purely sentimental way like the women receiving them do. We've got very big pragmatic circumstances to concern ourselves with.

 

In his mind, if he's got something that already works perfectly, "why not?" It's practical and it's probably a very nice ring. It's lazy, but it's not something you dump a marriage over. I can't remember the last wedding ring I saw on a guy's finger and thought, "Wow, a lot of thought must have gone into buying him that." (Assuming he didn't purchase his own)

 

I do hope he comes around and gets you your own ring that's exclusive to you.

 

What ever happened to the women who just wanted to be with and love their man? You know, the "I don't care if all you can give me is an onion ring as long as we're together" gal. Now it's all...."He bought the $45 1000 Watt Microwave instead of the deluxe $90 stainless 1100 Watt Microwave. Why doesn't he love me!!??"

 

OP,

 

This man is your husband. So let me tell you something. Disappointment over a ring is a stupid reason to get a divorce. But being unable to tell your husband about something that's bothering you? Hiding your real self and feelings away and festering in the resentment, even if it's to protect your ego from having to admit that you snooped.....that'll kill a marriage dead.....every time.

[itsallgrand]

Why are you spying in his emails?!

 

I mean, seems like you are worried about the wrong thing here to me. You are spying and don't trust him...but you are focused on a ring.

 

I'll admit I do think more along the lines of jman on this, even though I am a woman. Big picture- is he a good man and is this a good relationship?! That's what matters.

[sorbet123]

Thanks TMifune, I guess you're right. I am just scared to AGAIN and AGAIN talk to my husband about his ex-girlfriends, ex-wife... i bothered him a lot with his past. So when I again say something, i know we will have a big verbal fight.

I always complained that he did the same things he did also with his ex-girlfrind/ex-wife. same Restaurants, same vacation, same tours.. same same same. Is this a normal mens behaviour, having a copy-paste relationship??

i would love to hear a comment from a mans perspective.

 

What ever happened to the women who just wanted to be with and love their man? You know, the "I don't care if all you can give me is an onion ring as long as we're together" gal. Now it's all...."He bought the $45 1000 Watt Microwave instead of the deluxe $90 stainless 1100 Watt Microwave. Why doesn't he love me!!??"

 

OP,

 

This man is your husband. So let me tell you something. Disappointment over a ring is a stupid reason to get a divorce. But being unable to tell your husband about something that's bothering you? Hiding your real self and feelings away and festering in the resentment, even if it's to protect your ego from having to admit that you snooped.....that'll kill a marriage dead.....every time.

[Moontiger]

Honestly, it sounds like your marriage has a lot of problem just from the few details you have given in this post. Give you his ex's ring? That is super disrespectful especially given that he never talked to you about it and asked if you would be comfortable with that.

 

You were snooping in his emails when you found out. Why? What were you looking for?

 

The ring is a symptom of a deeper issue in your relationship. I suggest you guys go to couples therapy.

[Knot2loud]

But how can I tell him about the ring, when I am officially not supposed to know?

 

Here's the thing... It's bothering you. Bothering you a lot. It's going to keep bothering you until you begin to resent him due to the fact that he gave you a ring that belonged to his ex-wife. So what are your choices? 1) To let it go knowing that you are wearing his ex's wedding band and will be for a long time. Or 2) Figure out a way to tell him that you want your own ring.

 

There is a third choice... 3) Lose it.

 

My wife lost her first wedding band. I lost one. People lose stuff all the time.

 

I it were me. I would take option #3.

[notalady]

Thanks TMifune, I guess you're right. I am just scared to AGAIN and AGAIN talk to my husband about his ex-girlfriends, ex-wife... i bothered him a lot with his past. So when I again say something, i know we will have a big verbal fight.

I always complained that he did the same things he did also with his ex-girlfrind/ex-wife. same Restaurants, same vacation, same tours.. same same same. Is this a normal mens behaviour, having a copy-paste relationship??

i would love to hear a comment from a mans perspective.

 

How do you know about his past vacations and restaurant venues etc with his ex's? Why is that even discussed? Previous relationships, especially the details, should really be left in the past.

 

Realistically, there's no way you can always go to a different restaurant, bar, have a completely different date idea, go on vacation to different places, than previous relationships. I have my favourite restaurants, bars, vacation ideas, just because I had done it / gone there before with an ex, doesn't mean it's now off bounds in the current relationship. Otherwise I might as well not go anywhere ever again!

 

That being said, the ring thing is just...bad. Seriously, anyone with half a brain knows they shouldn't "recycle" an item from a past relationship. It's just rude. I don't know that it's divorce worthy but it's rude.

 

Sounds like you have more ex related problems than just this ring issue?