Wedding ring from ex-wife given to me from husband!! :-((((

[jennylove]

This marriage is doomed. So many issues. the ring, to the angry outburst when confronted, the lying, the snooping, then not wanting to confront him with the facts. Life is too short.

[skye7]

Male perspective here:

 

The way I see it, there's only one excuse for that, and it's lame at best: ignorance. Obviously no one taught him how to treat a wife, and if they did - he was probably too young to take that in and understand the information. The importance of that sentence could be very real. You may very well have to teach him that even a cheap ring, unique to you, would be better. Also...speaking of that... maybe he thinks that all store bought rings are the same anyways, (think about it, multiple stores per city all stock the same rings throughout the U.S. An engraving doesn't really change that fact. Maybe it was even in a selection of pre-written quotes in a book, and he said he wrote it to not feel bad...) but he doesn't know where to begin to have a custom one made. (which would identify lack of effort being the problem then.) Cost isn't a good excuse because you can at least melt down the silver and reuse the diamond in a new ring design. If it were me, I would come from the perspective that "I want to pick out a design that I want. It's something I want to wear for the rest of your life, therefore I want to at least have a say in how it should look."

 

That said, he probably doesn't know you're spying in his emails. If this is true, then he thinks you wouldn't be hurt by this act. Which means we should move on to why he chose this ring for you: At one point, he likely had to think of how he gave this ring to his ex, and remembered that that gesture was meaningless in the end. It took a lot of guts to remarry. He may feel like the ring rightfully belonged to him the whole time, even. Maybe The ring was chosen on purpose to be a constant reminder that this time, the marriage is real. Maybe he doesn't believe that people should spend lots of money on rings anymore, and thinks that only the actual relationship is the real thing. ("obviously, the ring didn't mean in the end" mentality) there's lots of possibilities to this issue.

 

Now for the other assumption: He does know you're spying around his stuff. All it takes is some basic research or knowledge of computers. Maybe he did it with full knowledge of what's going on. Suppose that he knows you go through his stuff, and he's been trying to figure out a way to make you bring it up so that you two can resolve any possible trust issues. This whole situation could very well be a test of trust that he wants to fix before the actual marriage. There may be another real ring somewhere. Although this possibility is stupid... well... I've heard that more stupid things have happened.

 

In the end, if you want to know - the only real way to bring it up and get a real answer is to call him out on it. None of us personally know your man, and if he does have friends, they may very well tell him about it if you don't. If you bring it up to him, this does involve an apology for spying on him of course, depending on his answer. But imo, it's way better than living your entire life wondering why he did what he did. I wouldn't want to wear something every day and be visually reminded every day. Better to get this out of the way now, minimize the hurt for both you and him, unless you're completely able to change perspectives and truly not care about the ring. Otherwise you're going to let a lot of passive bitterness in on your relationship for a long time... which will leak out in the wrong places... which may in turn affect your guy as well, and subconsciously allow him to start harboring lingering bitterness, or start reacting/overreacting negatively to random things you do as well.

 

Play it safe. This is a possible marriage. Probably one of the most important things you do in your lifetime. Bring up the issue to him, identify the issue(s) together and solve it together. This is the only way you'll be able to start solving issues in your relationship with him. Not to condescend here, but imo, if you can't do that, then you're not ready for marriage anyways.

[skye7]

As for the question of a copy paste relationship. Turns out that a lot of people live that way. School learning, brand trust, schedules, natural alarms, social behavior, etc... a lot of life is made up of these copy-paste moments. The "re-do it until you get it right." It tends to form habits. Why else did I get trapped in my grocery store job for 8 years where I was basically going through mental and physical abuse? Four hours of sleep between shifts. Back problems. Being made to feel inferior even though I took over responsibilities of the managers. Even though I was surrounded by other options, I was taught by my own parents that it was better to stay there, and this "knowledge" was reinforced by my co-workers so that I would stay there for sh*t pay, and take care of more than my fair share of their bs problems. Turns out a job about 5 minutes away was better pay, less hours and less stress. People can't help what they don't know. And if they don't know that they can discover better ways to go through life..well, that's a serious problem. If you don't want him to have a copy-paste life then bring up to him the reality that he can discover new places and do new things.

[skye7]

Really hate that I can't edit this any longer, even though I made the post only half an hour ago. Also hate that I can't curse on here. Thought I was crazy for a moment when it kept erasing my words.

[skye7]

Simply losing the ring doesn't fix all these issues. Yeah it's easy. But there's better ways to deal with a long term relationship. There needs to be a real fix to all of this, not a band-aid and pretend you can't see the wound underneath.

[chitown9]

If it were me, I think that I would pick out the wedding ring I wanted, show it to him, tell him this is the ring I want, and say no more........ chi

[Knot2loud]

Thanks TMifune, I guess you're right. I am just scared to AGAIN and AGAIN talk to my husband about his ex-girlfriends, ex-wife... i bothered him a lot with his past. So when I again say something, i know we will have a big verbal fight.

I always complained that he did the same things he did also with his ex-girlfrind/ex-wife. same Restaurants, same vacation, same tours.. same same same. Is this a normal mens behaviour, having a copy-paste relationship??

i would love to hear a comment from a mans perspective.

 

So it's not all about the ring then. Okay, giving you an ex's ring is cheesy, tacky... Whatever. I have to ask you this... Are you interrogating your husband about what he did and who he knew before you married him. Better yet... before you even knew each other? I hope not. Interrogating anyone about their past romances BEFORE they met whomever they are with now is not a good thing. Not a good thing at all. It's ridiculous. It's jealous, it's insecure, it's just not right.

 

Honestly, IF you have a problem with your husbands past before he met you then there's a serious problem with your relationship with him. I'm not jumping down your throat to make you feel bad or make you angry. But, gee lady... The past is the past. Work on now today. Take care of the ring issue and quit bringing up your husbands past to him. If he's treating you good and not messing around with other women, then give the guy a break.

 

Your comment answers the snooping issue... You're LOOKING for something because you don't trust him.

 

I think your best bet is to lose the ring. That way you don't have to bring up his ex's and have a big pointless fight.

 

Hey... I really hope things work out for you and your husband and I do hope you get the ring issue taken care of.

 

Best of luck to you.

[skye7]

What ever happened to the women who just wanted to be with and love their man? You know, the "I don't care if all you can give me is an onion ring as long as we're together" gal. Now it's all...."He bought the $45 1000 Watt Microwave instead of the deluxe $90 stainless 1100 Watt Microwave. Why doesn't he love me!!??"

 

 

wedding rings are a tradition. Some people are just really into that. Also...this isn't a microwave, it's a wedding band. One of few purchases in life that is supposed to have deep meaning. People attach meanings to things. It shouldn't happen often but imo, a wedding band isn't a bad time to do that. That said, many wedding rings can be made at a low cost if you're determined enough. Just takes some research and desire.

[skye7]

 

I think your best bet is to lose the ring. That way you don't have to bring up his ex's and have a big pointless fight.

 

 

Simply losing the ring doesn't fix all these issues. Yeah it's easy. But there's right and wrong ways to deal with a long term relationship. There needs to be a real fix to all of this, not a band-aid and pretend you can't see the wound underneath. Losing the ring fixes the physical ring - Not the meaning of why he did it. If she just loses it, she'll never know why he gave it to her, which means the issue could reoccur. What if he says the same vows to her? What if he gets a cheaper ring because she lost the first? There's too many problems with just losing it. Talk about all of this with him like adults should do, and solve it in a real way. If you can't talk about the issue without him getting mad? Well... This is another problem, but another opportunity to fix another huge issue with him. Let him know that you can talk to solve issues. It may take some practice, but at least the rest of your future with him won't be in fear of him reacting a certain way. Any person that truly is invested enough to marry will be willing to talk through any issues with their significant other if they at least try to fix the problem.Talking about it often brings to life deeper issues. Until you find out the root of the problem, the root still exists and will come out in other areas of the marriage. If you're better informed, you can solve future problems.

 

"But how can I tell him about the ring, when I am officially not supposed to know?"

You can tell him about the ring. No relationship or marriage is perfect. Everyone has issues. But, people do find ways to forgive and fix problems. Don't be scared when it comes to strengthening your own relationship. If he's worth marrying, he will forgive you for spying, acknowledge the problems that lie in why he gave you that ring, and mutually you both can come to a conclusion to this segment of your lives, and go forward with living better in your marriage. If he breaks up with you? Well... do you really want to be in that kind of relationship anyway? Someone that gives up on solving problems in a marriage? You're worth fixing problems for. Believe in yourself and start helping the situation all around.

[ecaryn]

Why are you snooping through his emails, questioning him about past girlfriends and the locations and activities of past relationships AGAIN and AGAIN?

[ThatwasThen]

I don't know if its because I'm older and have been married now for 1000 years but I just don't see what y'all are so up in arms about. Just tell him that you're not happy with the setting, go to a jewellers and have something re-made out of the same diamond/gold/whatever. To waste more money on something completely new is a total waste.

 

Why are you snooping on your husband? What is going on that makes you do such a thing? That untrust alone is enough reason why spending more money on a new ring is a bad idea. I doubt the two of you will last much longer if that kind of thing is going on and you're so bent out of shape about not getting your own ring. Its not about the jewellery folks. Even when I was young and wrought with anticipation I asked the now hubby not to spend a fortune on the engagement ring. Hell, lots of brides where the grooms mother's ring or the grandmother's ring as well.

[greta96]

I always complained that he did the same things he did also with his ex-girlfrind/ex-wife. same Restaurants, same vacation, same tours.. same same same. Is this a normal mens behaviour, having a copy-paste relationship??

.

 

In all fairness to the guy, there are only so many things you can do and places you can see, I wouldn't read anything into this. Actually, it's a good thing that he's taking you to the same places he went to with his exes, because it means he no longer has any emotional attachment to them (sometimes if people still pine over an ex, they will avoid going to certain places they used to go with said ex because it would bring up memories).

Also, it's the power of habit. Those are the places he knows and is comfortable with, or maybe he really loved certain restaurants or vacation spots and enjoys revisiting them, this time with you, his wife. I'd be happy about it instead of annoyed. I would be more annoyed if he refused to take me to certain places I knew he used to go with an ex, tbh.

 

I really think you're looking for issues where there are none.

As for the ring, tell him that you are not too fond of it and either don't wear it, or take it to a jewelry place to have it modified and maybe have the inside quote removed and replaced with a new one. Don't "lose" it, the guy paid good money for it, you have to respect that!

[reinventmyself]

I don't see it about the ring itself. Making her feel selfish about having a reaction to the knowledge doesn't seem fair.

It's a character issue for me. Yes, the act of recycling a ring is tacky and thoughtless, hence - a character issue.

Lying about it when asked and making her feel bad, again a character issue.

 

Having said that, I sense if he's capable of doing these things, he is capable of similar things.

I'll bet my paycheck there is a pattern here.

I haven't read the OP's other posts but by the sounds of it, it supports my sense in this matter.

[Seraphim]

I would just take it in and have a whole new ring made for myself . Why he didn't do that in the first place who knows .

 

I could see inheriting a ring from somebody's mother or grandmother but not somebody's ex-wife . Just, no.

[sunnz]

Too many red flags, marries way too soon even after had a failed marriage before (obviously not learning), doesn't like to wear ring, used ring with all the bad memories attached, yuck no thanks !

[Ms Darcy]

I'm with jman and others on this. The calls for divorce are CLOWNING.

 

I personally think the dude is just cheap and not very sensitive.

 

I think the bigger issues here are really lack of trust and communication. Why are you going through his emails? Why do you keep asking about exes? Why can't the two of you communicate without fear from you and anger from him?

 

These are the more important questions. Also, I agree with someone that marriage seems rushed after only one year of dating. Perhaps you don't know each other very well.

 

But from what you say I would advise some counseling together or for you alone.

[Realitynut]

Was it just a gold band with engraving?? Or was it an engagement ring and bad with diamonds that cost a fortune? If it's a gold band...i'd want my own. If it had diamonds in it, both of you could go to a jeweler and have the diamonds removed and put in your very own band...with new special engraving.

 

My sister was really fussy about her ring., (she's quite materialistic, even tho she wouldn't admit it) Her one...and only husband...had a ring from a girlfriend. I don't know if he ever gave it to her. But they were never married. It was a 2 carot diamond solitaire. They took the diamond out and put it in a very expensive, diamond encrusted band.

 

Yeah..i know. With my engagement band I went to Kohls and got it with a coupon! lol

 

Anyway, never ever could imagine getting an ex wifes ring. He got angry because he got caught. People lose their temper to throw the blame off of them, onto you.

 

Yes. More issues. Snooping. Anger. Afraid to tell your feelings. I have a feeling he won't go to counseling. But you both need to go.

 

I would be hurt beyond words to have his ex-wifes ring on my finger.

 

Why would the ex give it back? I kept my wedding ring for all the hell he put me though....as he kept HIS wedding band from me...with a diamond in it.

[jennylove]

He knows that what he did was bad news, otherwise, he wouldn't have been so upset and LIED when you asked him. To the people who keep justifying his behavior by saying he's "clueless" or such, they are not seeing things clearly. If he was truly clueless, he would have been honest when you asked him. I really dislike that people are questioning why you were snooping. It doesn't matter. Women have ways of finding things out if they have a "gut feeling". Kudos to you for listening to your body.

[Ms Darcy]

I really dislike that people are questioning why you were snooping. It doesn't matter. Women have ways of finding things out if they have a "gut feeling". Kudos to you for listening to your body.

 

I had an ex who snooped on me constantly. It was annoying, offensive, and disrespectful. If he had asked to see my email/phone every once in a while, then I could have entertained the idea. But it felt like I was dating a police officer. He never found anything, but he was always insecure because he'd been "cheated on" which I don't even believe.

 

If you are at the point where your gut tells you you need to continuously snoop, it should be to verify why you are leaving because frankly you shouldn't be in that relationship anymore.

[sorbet123]

So it's not all about the ring then. Okay, giving you an ex's ring is cheesy, tacky... Whatever. I have to ask you this... Are you interrogating your husband about what he did and who he knew before you married him. Better yet... before you even knew each other? I hope not. Interrogating anyone about their past romances BEFORE they met whomever they are with now is not a good thing. Not a good thing at all. It's ridiculous. It's jealous, it's insecure, it's just not right.

 

Honestly, IF you have a problem with your husbands past before he met you then there's a serious problem with your relationship with him. I'm not jumping down your throat to make you feel bad or make you angry. But, gee lady... The past is the past. Work on now today. Take care of the ring issue and quit bringing up your husbands past to him. If he's treating you good and not messing around with other women, then give the guy a break.

 

Your comment answers the snooping issue... You're LOOKING for something because you don't trust him.

 

I think your best bet is to lose the ring. That way you don't have to bring up his ex's and have a big pointless fight.

 

Hey... I really hope things work out for you and your husband and I do hope you get the ring issue taken care of.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Thanks a lot for your thoughts, I really appreciate it. You're right. I will work on myself. I Need to really stop those spying thing.

[Dave5]

Some of y'all are cold as ice. Look, what guy did was tacky. Real tacky. I wonder what kind of ring OP got her husband, though?

 

I'm all for her asserting herself and telling him she won't wear it. I'm even all for her being peeved at the audacity. But you take a deep breath, let him know you're not at all cool with it, and either ask him if you two can go pick out together and pick out a ring you want or simply go out and get your own.

 

It baffles me in this age of modern feminism and equality just how many expectations are stacked up against men in the purchasing of a single piece of jewelry. As bad as even I can see it was as a guy, the sheer costs and expectations unfortunately do not permit us to think of it in a purely sentimental way like the women receiving them do. We've got very big pragmatic circumstances to concern ourselves with.

 

In his mind, if he's got something that already works perfectly, "why not?" It's practical and it's probably a very nice ring. It's lazy, but it's not something you dump a marriage over. I can't remember the last wedding ring I saw on a guy's finger and thought, "Wow, a lot of thought must have gone into buying him that." (Assuming he didn't purchase his own)

 

I do hope he comes around and gets you your own ring that's exclusive to you.

 

Exactly I never wore one nether nor did my wife but i bet that is how he looked at it..As to the women screaming divorce YOU are the problem and the reason men do not want to get married. You would divorce a man over a stupid overpriced peace of symbolic crap. Marriage is in the heart you do not need a ring or anything if your marriage is that flimsy and THAT is reason enough for you to leave then do every man a favor stay single.

Divorce is painful it hurts and its unfair when only one wants it.If all it took to same my marriage was a ring i would give you a hundred. I learned a hard hard lesson if something is bothering you TELL him do not hold it inside untill its too late like mine did. good luck

[IAmFCA]

J. Man has this right: tacky, but he meant well.

 

For some, the ring is blessed during a religious ceremony, and may carry some deeper meaning to it.

 

One solution might be to have a cleansing ceremony with the old ring, bestowing upon it new meaning. That works with things that carry a lot of symbolic weight.

[sorbet123]

so, i have an update on this. on monday, i put off my wedding ring and had it on the bathroom. my husband informed me at dinner then that i have forgotten my ring in the bathroom. i just said ok. when we went to bad, he said, "your ring is still in the bathroom" and i then replied "dont say anything to me about THAT ring" the next day i went to work and when i came home, the ring was gone. i didnt say anything to him.his own ring which he kept in a box, was also gone. Im not sure what he did with them or where he put them.

do you think he understands his mistake or do you think he feels angry, as I didnt put my ring on and doesnt admit his fault?

[IAmFCA]

Did you not wear it to get a reaction?

 

It seems to me he isn't wearing his ring either, so it lacks the symbolism for him that one or both of you have attached to the ring for you.

 

I would not worry what his reaction is. I would also drop your cocus on blaming him. He did not mean to hurt you. Rather, to spend his money where it helps you both the most, from a practical perspective.

 

Just leave the idea alone. The both of you can walk around ring-less until you arrive at a solution that motivates both of you to wear your rings. Or don't. You're married either way.

 

At some point, it IS just a ring. Your marriage and love for each other is the bigger point. Don't make the ring so important you let it divide you from each other.

[sorbet123]

You're right.

Actually, I am not sure if I wanted a reaction. I mean, I asked him twice about that ring and he got angry. I just didnt want to wear that ring anymore, which belonged to another Girl. It didnt feel right for me, I always had the Girl in my mind, every day. So I put it off.

Yes, I wont mention it anymore to him. All of your comments helped me to see that marriage is more than a ring.