eldasensei Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 It sounds like he still doesn't understand "why" you are denying the wedding ring. This is a matter of communication and understanding comes from that. I did not follow this whole thread but to me it looks like you're handling this in a passive aggressive way aka putting the ring in the bathroom and expecting him to understand his mistake. I think the sollution might be to sit down with him, put some milk and cookies on the table and directly communicate your concerns and feelings. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 It sounds like he still doesn't understand "why" you are denying the wedding ring. This is a matter of communication and understanding comes from that. I did not follow this whole thread but to me it looks like you're handling this in a passive aggressive way aka putting the ring in the bathroom and expecting him to understand his mistake. I think the sollution might be to sit down with him, put some milk and cookies on the table and directly communicate your concerns and feelings. We don't know why the rings are gone. Maybe he is getting new ones. At this point, she handled it in a way tbat was honest to her, and the blame and anger is subsiding. I think thats an important first step. Lets see if his anger can also cool down. It is helpful, OP, to remember that anger is the armor we put on when we are hurt. He felt hurt, perhaps that yoh extrapolated from the ring to question his love for you. You felt hurt that he didn't get a new ring, which you saw as a symbol of you being of lesser value compared to the ex. Now that the anger gas subsided and you remember your marriage, your words are different and I think, more effective. "Every day I thought of her." No man wants that. It allows you to say, I know you tried to do what's best for us, but the truth is, whenevet I look at this ring I think of her, and I can't seem to get past it. I love being married to you, and I like wearing a ring that shows everyone I am taken, and that reminds me of your love for and commitment to me. What I've learned is, I don't need the ring to remember those things. I'm sorry I was angry at you, I didn't need to doubt your love for me. I don't want to think of you with anyone else, so I'll go ringless for awhile. I will think of you all day long, and now my ringless finger, and yours, will remind me that we don't need rings to be sure of our faith in each other. Link to comment
sorbet123 Posted March 16, 2016 Author Share Posted March 16, 2016 I am almost speechless. Thank you for your wonderful advice and words IThinkIcan. It made me cry. I will definitely consider your advise. I feel relieved. I will Keep you all updated ... Link to comment
Lester Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 "marriage is more than a ring." - Stop denying your feelings in a attempt to appease others. They wouldn't! Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 I am almost speechless. Thank you for your wonderful advice and words IThinkIcan. It made me cry. I will definitely consider your advise. I feel relieved. I will Keep you all updated ... Since communication between you sometimes gets hot before it gets helpful, consider giving a him a note with these loving thoughts in it, maybe with a bag of cookies or a plate of banana bread etc., building on eldasensei's idea. If he is an introvert, he may appreciate having time on his own to.absorb and process his thoughts, so that he isn't flooded with emotions and ideas and pressure to respond all at once. If he is an extrovert, he may appreciate the note as a way to carry your thoughts with him, like a love letter in his wallet. In fact, you could slip it into his billfold and wait for him to find it. However it works best, so that he can see that you are taking ownership of your response to the ring. I say "chosen" because while your feelings are understandable, all responses are a choice. This isn't about seeking validation from him for how you feel (which is what you were doing before), it is about owning it and taking responsibility for it. The blame is off his shoulders. Blame looks backwards, and all you really want is a solution. And, you're welcome. I am glad my prior post was helpful. Really, I just reflected back to you where you had taken yourself. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 "marriage is more than a ring." - Stop denying your feelings in a attempt to appease others. They wouldn't! Lester, I don't understand your post. Marriage is more than a ring, and she had begun to feel the ring meant the marriage was without meaning. Her feelings about the ring remain, but she now sees that that isn't the meaning he intended to communicate. Clearly, he didn't mean for her to think of his ex. We haven't heard of complaints about the relationship in genetal. Yes, they each got angry, and no, most of ua would have chosen a different ring. Especially given the inscription! But, these two people married each other. Let's respect that at the same time we respect her feelings. She can choose to be married and choose not to wear the ring. Link to comment
sorbet123 Posted March 16, 2016 Author Share Posted March 16, 2016 Since communication between you sometimes gets hot before it gets helpful, consider giving a him a note with these loving thoughts in it, maybe with a bag of cookies or a plate of banana bread etc., building on eldasensei's idea. If he is an introvert, he may appreciate having time on his own to.absorb and process his thoughts, so that he isn't flooded with emotions and ideas and pressure to respond all at once. If he is an extrovert, he may appreciate the note as a way to carry your thoughts with him, like a love letter in his wallet. In fact, you could slip it into his billfold and wait for him to find it. However it works best, so that he can see that you are taking ownership of your response to the ring. I say "chosen" because while your feelings are understandable, all responses are a choice. This isn't about seeking validation from him for how you feel (which is what you were doing before), it is about owning it and taking responsibility for it. The blame is off his shoulders. Blame looks backwards, and all you really want is a solution. And, you're welcome. I am glad my prior post was helpful. Really, I just reflected back to you where you had taken yourself. He is an introvert, not very much open. That is why we sometimes argued, because I wanted him to express his feelings. Mostly his feelings, his love to me. When I did, he got angry and said that I would always insinuate he wouldn't love me and that pisses him off. I tried to understand him and forced my self to stop nagging. I try to understand that everyone is different in showing feelings and I just have to respect him as he is and Focus on the nice things he does between the lines. It is a Little bit hard for me, as I am an extrovert and Show all my love and affection. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 He is an introvert, not very much open. That is why we sometimes argued, because I wanted him to express his feelings. Mostly his feelings, his love to me. When I did, he got angry and said that I would always insinuate he wouldn't love me and that pisses him off. I tried to understand him and forced my self to stop nagging. I try to understand that everyone is different in showing feelings and I just have to respect him as he is and Focus on the nice things he does between the lines. It is a Little bit hard for me, as I am an extrovert and Show all my love and affection. I am off the charts extrovert. I married and am now divorced from my introvert ex. I flooded him constantly, and he withdrew, and that is how we danced.for For years. It was awful. I suggest you google Myers Briggs 16 personality rypes, to help think more about this dynamic. Also, there is a fantastic book by John Gottman, "The 7 Principals for Making Marriage Work". I recommend it highly. Link to comment
sorbet123 Posted March 16, 2016 Author Share Posted March 16, 2016 Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Will def. have look!! I really didnt think that marriage Needs "work". When I see other relationships, they seem so easy going for me. I feel I Need to but effort to make it work. We didnt find our stability yet. Maybe it is to early. ...we dated 1 year and are married now for couple of months (and also live together since marriage). Marriage didnt start well as he got unemployed and hence is at home all they. I try to find ways to make him feel needed. as he was a real Workaholic and had a CEO Position. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted March 16, 2016 Share Posted March 16, 2016 Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Will def. have look!! I really didnt think that marriage Needs "work". When I see other relationships, they seem so easy going for me. I feel I Need to but effort to make it work. We didnt find our stability yet. Maybe it is to early. ...we dated 1 year and are married now for couple of months (and also live together since marriage). Marriage didnt start well as he got unemployed and hence is at home all they. I try to find ways to make him feel needed. as he was a real Workaholic and had a CEO Position. Marriage is a plant that you both grow. It needs two people to survive. My marriage was an example for others as how to have an easy marriage. What they saw did not reflect the reality of our relationship, which is that we never were as compatible as we thought and were insecure.In our attachment atarting from when.we were engaged. We ended up 15 years together,.legally speaking. Much shorter by more emotional measures. When looking at others, always remember you do not see their health concerns, financial worries, relationship problems, family issues. Everyone has their share. Link to comment
lukeb Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I did not read the whole thread, but I will weigh in on it by making one point. The ring as a symbol means nothing to him. For him he knew he was supposed to get a ring because that is what you are supposed to do, but after that he is quite happy never to wear it again and you were fine with that too. In that context why would you attach so much value to it for yourself? It doesn't really make any sense. Calls for a divorce or calling the marriage into question are outrageous. Sure a conversation needs to be had about that he should have been honest about the ring but let's not blow things out of proportion. The ring meant nothing to him then and means nothing to him now, and you knew that, and we're ok with that before the marriage. Link to comment
Lester Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 Sorbet, what's your post # where you knew the ring meant nothing to him and you were ok with that? Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I did not read the whole thread, but I will weigh in on it by making one point. The ring as a symbol means nothing to him. For him he knew he was supposed to get a ring because that is what you are supposed to do, but after that he is quite happy never to wear it again and you were fine with that too. In that context why would you attach so much value to it for yourself? It doesn't really make any sense. Calls for a divorce or calling the marriage into question are outrageous. Sure a conversation needs to be had about that he should have been honest about the ring but let's not blow things out of proportion. The ring meant nothing to him then and means nothing to him now, and you knew that, and we're ok with that before the marriage. That's all well and good to address his views on what a ring means to him. But it doesn't negate what a ring symbolizes to her. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I showed my boyfriend this thread. He's divorced and was flabbergasted. Said that it's one thing if you talk about and are on the same page but "how the h e l l did this guy think that would be a good idea?" And there are plenty of ways to control the cost of a ring. I've flat out told my boyfriend that if he's going to propose he should look for rings at pawn shops. Same product for a lot less. Link to comment
Lester Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 The ring is the seal of the vows you took, and everything that got you to that point. Trying to generalize it into jewelry/costs can't be done. Link to comment
lukeb Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 That's all well and good to address his views on what a ring means to him. But it doesn't negate what a ring symbolizes to her. I agree with you, it doesn't negate it, and also he should have known that this was a big deal for her. It is important though to take a step back and take a look at what the marriage means for both of them and not how it is just only her special day and her special ring. It is not for me to say, that is for them to figure out, I was just adding some context to the situation. Link to comment
j.man Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 "I leave symbols to the symbol-minded." I miss George Carlin. Nothing wrong with a little materialism, but when the object trumps the actual sentiment, that's a problem. Link to comment
sorbet123 Posted April 4, 2016 Author Share Posted April 4, 2016 Thank you for your comments, but what exactly do you mean j.man? This issue with the ring is still botherin me I cant believe he did this to me. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted April 4, 2016 Share Posted April 4, 2016 I think what he means is that you're focusing on the ring itself instead of the fact that this man loves you and wants to marry you. Link to comment
sorbet123 Posted April 4, 2016 Author Share Posted April 4, 2016 maybe.. but I was not good enough to get a brand new ring, but his ex was. he choose a ring for her and got it engraved. i was not worth that. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted April 4, 2016 Share Posted April 4, 2016 You have another thread about how you're obsessed with your husband's former relationships. Seems like you spend a lot of time worrying about what you don't have instead of enjoying what you do have. Link to comment
justjen Posted April 4, 2016 Share Posted April 4, 2016 There is a way to prove its hers but it may be hard for you. Are you able to contact the ex wife and show her the ring and if she confirms its hers, you can say to him. I know this is your ex wives ring as she confirmed it. This will make him angry and its not an easy thing to do as it involves his ex and I dont know how their relationship ended or what contact you have with her. If she had children with him and is still in the picture you could just say she spotted it on your finger and mentioned it...but it wont make for a good outcome. To be honest if it was me, I would have blurted out that I had seen his emails and deal with the aftermath. He is not innocent, he has fobbed you off with his exs ring and then lied to you about it. I was wondering, had you other reasons to check his emails? is there more to this than the ring issue Link to comment
sorbet123 Posted April 4, 2016 Author Share Posted April 4, 2016 No, I had no reasons at all to check his e-mails. I was just curious about his past ... and now have to deal with what I found out. It is my own fault. I still dont get why he did it. He has no money issues, gave me so many other things besides the rings which were lot more expensive. Even flowers he gave to me the day we engaged were super expensive. So what was his intention? Just to comfortable to search for new ones? What makes me more angry is that even when I tell him that I do not believe him he keeps on telling me the ring was not his ex wifes ring! He makes up stupid stories around the ring, it is pathetic! Link to comment
sorbet123 Posted August 24, 2016 Author Share Posted August 24, 2016 Hi all, Update on this issue: I again confronted my husband with the wedding ring thing and it seems like he'd rather die than telling me the truth and telling me I was right. I told him all the evidence and all he replied was no you're not right, it is just a similar ring. BUT he can't prove me any buying receipt or similar. WHY does he do that? I told him, please just tell me the truth I will forgive you but I just need to hear it from you. And he says no, I ain't right. I still feel crazy and worthless when I think that the other woman deserved her own wedding ring and engrave but not me And if you remember, when I didnt were the ring anymore, he took it and told me he threw both rings (his and mine) awayto the garbage. But I found them in his bag lately and told him. Then he just said "I mean those are gold, so I will take the money for theim) What do you think, shal I just buy myself my own "wedding ring" and just put it on. Maybe he will feel guilty then... I'm so angry. Link to comment
Lester Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 "He has no money issues," - Not by accident. "I told him all the evidence" - Including the email? If not, what exactly did the email say? P.S, When busted, the anger/denial response is common. (And this seems especially true with cheapskates) Link to comment
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