Could you get past it?

[itsallgrand]

Sometimes the grown up thing to do is know your limits at a particular time. If you aren't ready for something or need to deal with something yourself, doing so isn't a failure. It's a win.

A step back away from all this drama and getting a chance to look at what is propelling it all with you would be a good thing IMO. A mature thing to do.

 

Moms usually feel better when we are in relationships I've noticed. lol. I think they just want to feel like their kids, no matter the age, are taken care of and happy and have someone. Which is not a bad thing. But we need to take our own paths and respect our own needs at any given time.

 

It sounds like you have lots to learn about taking care of you before having someone else to think about all the time too. And that's ok. It's much better to do that than stick around and hurt someone because you just can't do it right now. You can care and not have the capacity right now. It happens to a lot of people. It doesn't have to be the story of your whole life.

[abitbroken]

You're right, it has been toxic. Thank you, because I think I need to hear all of this. See, my family and I are very close. Some are telling me to cut ties and move forward, work on myself. My mom, however, is telling me grow up and just make it work if we really want that. I trust her, obviously she's my mom, but everyone else thinks we need to separate. She says ofcourse her door is open, but....

 

Does mom know about your affair? Also, it sounds like she just wants to not get involved in telling you to stay or go. Honestly, I would move in with mom. You need clarity. Get a place after the holidays if you want but you need to be away from your boyfriend for the time being. Its not fair to him to be a doormat.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think your relationship is well beyond repair, and it's high time to let go. Keep in mind that that cheating is not a mistake, simply because people don't cheat by chance, they cheat by choice.

 

I would strive to be a better person and take the lesson, "we reap what we sow" with you.

[thejigsup]

I couldn't get past YOUR hypocrisy and justifications, no.

 

That's it in a nutshell. Some people will try to justify anything. That doesn't fly here, lady. Admit you messed up and move on. You are not trustworthy and you seem very skilled at deflecting blame.

[LC8328]

Hi OP,

 

You and I have a couple things in common. I was a cheater when I was in my 20's, and I also have anxiety, even used to take medication for it.

 

I cheated on someone I loved, and then I had the nerve to cry about it when I told him. My love for him could have been better and more pure had I been mature at the time, but I wasn't.

 

So I think for you, you need time to grow and be a better version of yourself. I'm encouraged that at least you're not in denial as a lot of people are when they come on here and my friends here give them great advice, and they just end up arguing with them. lol. I get it. Just for the record, sometimes if there are feelings involved in an affair, it could be worse because, well, if a guy cheats with a girl he has no interest in personally then she is just a piece of...you know what. Easily replaceable. But the fact that you had genuine feelings for this doctor...well, that's a little different. You may love your BF but the fact that you were able to have feelings for someone else (maybe not love but feelings nonetheless)...as well as other things you've mentioned, make me think that you'd be happiest if you give yourself a time out for a while...not as punishment of course, but to give yourself room to, like I said before, be the best version of yourself.

 

I'm a much better person today (yeah I know that sounds conceited) - meaning, I'm not as selfish and I don't break hearts just because I can, like I used to. But to get here I went through a LOT of trials and there are a lot of people who haven't forgiven me yet for these various acts. Point is, I am only at this point in my life because of a lot of drastic emotional blowouts, and you can prevent this, you can skip over this part in your own maturing if you just take time out for yourself, something I never really did. I hope this made some sense. Good luck.

[catfeeder]

Your BF is desperate enough to forgive your behavior, but rather than be content with that you'd rather focus on his. So you're the one who can't be content, which is why you cheated in the first place.

 

The fact that you're still looking for a reason to feel lousy rather than gratefully invested in BF means that you're not likely to find happiness with him no matter what he does.

 

Holding up the banner of honesty in order to throw stones at BF makes no sense. Either you're willing to own your own responsibility for mending the relationship, or you're not. If not, get out--you're not doing either of you any favors by dragging this out.

 

We never get any wasted time back to live over again.

[GloryDays]

abitbroken- my mom knows everything. I think it's partly what you said, that our moms want us to be happy and stable. But also, I think that she believes I truly have feelings for this guy, more so then any other guy I've dated.

 

HeartGoesOn- thank you, I appreciate your opinion. I'm reading everyone's comments and taking it all in.

 

thejigsup- thank you for your opinion. I have no desire to play the field, or be that untrustworthy person at my age, and after what I just went through and learned from.

 

CML342- thank you for replying, and telling me about your history. I think maturity is also a big factor here. I've always been a late bloomer in many aspects of my life. I really appreciate your encouragement, as I too, want to learn from this and become better. I don't think you sound conceited at all, and in fact I admire you for being able to grow out of this. I've been a heartbreaker through the years, not something I'm proud of. In my case, as I've stated... selfishness, immaturity, and just plain old not being ready to settle down were all factors.

[GloryDays]

Your BF is desperate enough to forgive your behavior, but rather than be content with that you'd rather focus on his. So you're the one who can't be content, which is why you cheated in the first place.

 

The fact that you're still looking for a reason to feel lousy rather than gratefully invested in BF means that you're not likely to find happiness with him no matter what he does.

 

Holding up the banner of honesty in order to throw stones at BF makes no sense. Either you're willing to own your own responsibility for mending the relationship, or you're not. If not, get out--you're not doing either of you any favors by dragging this out.

 

We never get any wasted time back to live over again.

 

catfeeder I understand. I think I'm really trying to figure out if other people could be in a true relationship with someone again, after they were physically with someone else? Does that mean the magic is gone, and you'll always have those negative thoughts? Obviously some people can probably get past this, and other people can't. I know that perfect doesn't exist, but I always wanted as close to the fairytale as I could get. While I'm grateful that he's giving me that option even, of trying to get past all of this and stay together, I still feel like what he did was wrong too. I guess maybe that's a question I still have lingering? Are his actions justifiable?? Or is he just as bad as me, a cheater (I hate that word)?

[mhowe]

His actions don't need to be justifiable. You were already sleeping with someone else. He didn't cheat. You did.

[catfeeder]

I think I'm really trying to figure out if other people could be in a true relationship with someone again, after they were physically with someone else? [...] Obviously some people can probably get past this, and other people can't.

 

So this renders what 'other people could do' an irrelevant distraction, and it's good that you can see that now.

 

I still feel like what he did was wrong too. I guess maybe that's a question I still have lingering? Are his actions justifiable?? Or is he just as bad as me, a cheater (I hate that word)?

 

These questions are irrelevant, too--which was my original point. You both did the same things with different motivations and different approaches to sharing the gory details, with neither outcome being more righteous than the other's.

 

You wanted to add some drama to your life in a dreary relationship, and you're continuing to milk that to keep chaos alive along with whatever wedge it serves to drive between you and BF. You're taking the long road and the hard way to deciding where you want to stand with BF, and finger pointing at BF's behavior is like throwing in the kitchen sink just to keep the chaos alive. And you want buy-in for that. And you're not getting it here.

 

The bottom line is whether YOU (not 'other people') want to put the distractions aside and decide whether you can be happy with BF. All indicators are No, or you wouldn't have cheated in the first place, and you wouldn't keep reaching for ammo against the BF.

 

You can hem and haw about irrelevancies all you want--it's not against the law. It's just wasted energy. Nobody else is living your love life for you, so nobody else gets a vote. There are no judges and juries involved, so you don't need to justify your choices by villainizing the BF.

 

Relax, decide what you want when you're ready, and quit sabotaging yourself from making that decision.

[Hazyillusions]

Just break up with him already. His actions were understandable. He snapped due to the pain you were causing him.

Be single and work on yourself.

Stop making excuses and rationalising it. It's pointless.