Are we dating? Red flag?

[Redabc123]

Hi all!

 

I recently started seeing someone that I met on match.com. We hit off and since then have gone on two more dates. On the third date we kind of messed around and made out a lot which I know was bad on my part but I kind of got caught up in the moment. Right before the third date he told he wasn't interested in dating anyone else and I asked him about match and he told me he wasn't going to be on it anymore on the third date we talked about it and even though it was a little soon we decided to date. After the 3rd date I felt kind of weird about messing around so soon and this all could be in my head but his communication changed. We still talked but it would only be a few texts here and there and on the third date he said we would hang out this weekend he instead went out of town to go to a game. Also while stupidly going to deactivate my match account I noticed that he was still on and had been active. I did have a conversation with him after I saw this to be sure he wanted to date and he wasn't caught up in the moment and he told something almost different he said I want to date and get to know you. I asked if he wanted to see other people while we were dating and he said not really. So I'm at a place where I don't know if this is going to go in a direction that I want it to but it's still pretty early. I don't like the fact that he said he would get offline but is still on. Any advice on what I should do. I feel like I have been initiating the conversations also. I did hide my profile but am not sure if I should stay on or if I should even keep talking to him. I do like him so far but I'm not in for the drama

[Starseed98]

If he is still shopping, you should too.

[melancholy123]

I too think he's still looking around to see who is out there. Dont limit yourself to this guy.

[Batya33]

No drama other than the drama you are creating. You chose to go outside your comfort zone and now you are feeling extra vulnerable as a result. He said "not really" which means he is interested in dating others/keeping his options open. I would take turns with communication just as you would in a friendship you are developing.

 

Also decide what your priorities are -to choose to get caught up in the moment for short term pleasure or to know that casual encounters result in your making clingy/needy choices and therefore you are a person who needs to hold off on getting too intimate too fast. Short term pleasure -nothing wrong with that other than you claim to be looking for a long term relationship. Refuse to let yourself make excuses like "I got caught up in the moment".

[notalady]

It's only been 3 dates, you don't know each other, so take the time to do that and keep your options open. Nothing wrong with him keeping his options open at this very early stage. If he seems lukewarm or less enthusiastic than before, then let him drop off naturally or you can take the initiative to say you don't think you'll work out so good luck and good bye. I suggest let him take the initiatives in communication and asking you out on dates, if he does, give it another couple more dates to decide if he's someone worth keep seeing. No more make out sessions during this time and focus on getting to know him as a person.

 

Same as batya, I don't see any drama other than the one you're creating.

[Redabc123]

No drama other than the drama you are creating. You chose to go outside your comfort zone and now you are feeling extra vulnerable as a result. He said "not really" which means he is interested in dating others/keeping his options open. I would take turns with communication just as you would in a friendship you are developing.

 

Also decide what your priorities are -to choose to get caught up in the moment for short term pleasure or to know that casual encounters result in your making clingy/needy choices and therefore you are a person who needs to hold off on getting too intimate too fast. Short term pleasure -nothing wrong with that other than you claim to be looking for a long term relationship. Refuse to let yourself make excuses like "I got caught up in the moment".

 

Thank you for this... I wasn't sure if I should go out on this date tonight with someone else but you just confirmed that I should. I agree that the intimate session was way to quick.

[j.man]

I'd actually tread lightly. He's fully aware of your interest to jump into exclusivity and the mild drama you've thrown in so soon, so I have a hard time believing you'd be high on his list of prospects. I really don't see any reason why he would keep dating you after that blip unless he were interested in a lay, which you don't seem the type capable of doing without getting feelings involved.

[Redabc123]

I'd actually tread lightly. He's fully aware of your interest to jump into exclusivity and the mild drama you've thrown in so soon, so I have a hard time believing you'd be high on his list of prospects. I really don't see any reason why he would keep dating you after that blip unless he were interested in a lay, which you don't seem the type capable of doing without getting feelings involved.

 

I don't see how I gave him drama I simply asked if we were seeing one another as he claimed. He approached me to be with him not the other way around. So he just interested in getting laid? Wow them him and I aren't on the same page. He also told me he really liked me and wanted to date me after we had a conversation so I guess he is a liar too

[Batya33]

I don't see how I gave him drama I simply asked if we were seeing one another as he claimed. He approached me to be with him not the other way around. So he just interested in getting laid? Wow them him and I aren't on the same page. He also told me he really liked me and wanted to date me after we had a conversation so I guess he is a liar too

 

You wrote "I'm not in for the drama". There is no drama -he is simply dating around. Who cares if he "approached" you -he asked you out on a date -you accepted. It takes two to tango. He already told you he is "not really" dating others which means he is not exclusive with you but also not actively looking. He might really like you and want to date you. He might have felt that at the time. He might also want to date others -that is fine too and not dishonest.

 

It's really not fair to burden someone you barely know with your insecurities and think of the person as a "liar" just because you chose to take things too far too fast physically/sexually. Perhaps be more honest with yourself -you didn't get "caught up in the moment" -you chose to risk feeling needy so that you could enjoy sexual pleasure. And please stop making the excuse of "he approached me"as some sort of shifting responsibility.

 

If you want a long term relationship and you get insecure when you move too fast sexually make a different choice -it's not easy but it's simple. It's like being on a diet or avoiding things that are bad for you -learn some self-control and if you choose not to then please don't blame others or lie to yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

I would not over think this. It's only been three dates. He's still looking so you do the same and don't get over invested in a stranger. Doesn't matter if you hooked up or not.

[reinventmyself]

I would not over think this. It's only been three dates. He's still looking so you do the same and don't get over invested in a stranger. Doesn't matter if you hooked up or not.

 

Not only has it been three dates but if I read it correctly you are having the conversations over texts?

Sure fire way for confusion.

It appears his words don't match his actions yet these aren't actually words, but texts.

This could go either way and I wouldn't ditch him just yet.

*Go on other dates and take your laser focus off this guy. It's called dating.

*Allow for some reciprocacy and match his level of interest and communication. (You mentioned that you are the one initiating contact)

*Put your profile back up

*Dial back the physical intimacy

( I don't "make out" with men early on for this very reason. It makes me feel to vulnerable and it's better saved until you have more information)

[catfeeder]

Congrats on meeting someone you like. I'd consider him middle ground in that he hasn't come across anyone else who interests him--so he's not dating anyone else 'right now'. I'd take shutting profiles down off the table unless and until he brings it up again. I'd back off on contacting him to learn his contact patterns. From there you can decide whether he's interested enough to keep you interested.

 

I'm also one who bonds through sexual intimacy, and so I'd take that off the table until I figure out where I stand with this guy--and where I want to stand.

 

Head high, and enjoy.

[Dottieflanogon]

This is far too common...especially with online dating.People have the mentality that something better is around the corner.

 

No matter what he says about you, how great you are, unless he has specifically asked you to be exclusive -he has the right to keeping his options open.

 

Besides, you only been on few dates. Peharps you should also keep your options open instead of assuming you have the guy on the lock yet

[Batya33]

This is far too common...especially with online dating.People have the mentality that something better is around the corner.

 

No matter what he says about you, how great you are, unless he has specifically asked you to be exclusive -he has the right to keeping his options open.

 

Besides, you only been on few dates. Peharps you should also keep your options open instead of assuming you have the guy on the lock yet

 

 

I would assume nothing about mindset and anyway after 3 dates it most likely is not "grass could be greener" because he doesn't know her well enough to compare in the first place. Nothing to do with how they met -many people do not become exclusive after meeting only 3 times.

[Tanzi]

I don't see how I gave him drama I simply asked if we were seeing one another as he claimed. He approached me to be with him not the other way around. So he just interested in getting laid? Wow them him and I aren't on the same page. He also told me he really liked me and wanted to date me after we had a conversation so I guess he is a liar too

 

I know it might not seem like drama to you because you no doubt feel you had a valid reason to ask such a question but to him it might well do. Firstly it might come across as though you were checking up on him on the dating site and, secondly, it may have felt like you were questioning him. I'm not saying you were wrong and, well, you are right to question his motives. However, this early on I would be less inclined to ask someone what their intentions were and would just continue to keep my own options open. That being said, I would probably be very wary of someone who spoke about being exclusive so soon.

[notalady]

I know it might not seem like drama to you because you no doubt feel you had a valid reason to ask such a question but to him it might well do. Firstly it might come across as though you were checking up on him on the dating site and, secondly, it may have felt like you were questioning him. I'm not saying you were wrong and, well, you are right to question his motives. However, this early on I would be less inclined to ask someone what their intentions were and would just continue to keep my own options open. That being said, I would probably be very wary of someone who spoke about being exclusive so soon.

 

Yep agreed.

 

I've actually written off a guy because of this.

 

We went on two dates and it was good. He wanted to know if I was going on other dates, and I was like, um I'm not telling you that? (Because it's none of his business). He took that as a yes, and on the day where I told him I had plans (which he assumed I was going on other dates), he sent me 4 messages in a period of a few hours. I came out of the movie and saw the messages, I was like w t f what's wrong with this guy.

 

He told me he likes me and I said I like him too and wanted to get to know him more. He asked me how much I liked him and said he doesn't want to become too invested and get hurt. I said I like him as much as one can after two dates. He seemed uncomfortable with the fact that I was still going on other dates. If I learned anything from past experience, it is DO NOT become exclusive with someone before you get to know them.

 

I said I respect that he has his boundaries so we should just stop dating if he's uncomfortable with my approach to dating. He backtracked and said its ok, he just meant that he won't date others. But later I see him on the dating website again. He tried to say he was just bored lol...

 

I mean seriously, that is all too much drama after only TWO dates. Completely unnecessary.

[Redabc123]

You wrote "I'm not in for the drama". There is no drama -he is simply dating around. Who cares if he "approached" you -he asked you out on a date -you accepted. It takes two to tango. He already told you he is "not really" dating others which means he is not exclusive with you but also not actively looking. He might really like you and want to date you. He might have felt that at the time. He might also want to date others -that is fine too and not dishonest.

 

It's really not fair to burden someone you barely know with your insecurities and think of the person as a "liar" just because you chose to take things too far too fast physically/sexually. Perhaps be more honest with yourself -you didn't get "caught up in the moment" -you chose to risk feeling needy so that you could enjoy sexual pleasure. And please stop making the excuse of "he approached me"as some sort of shifting responsibility.

 

If you want a long term relationship and you get insecure when you move too fast sexually make a different choice -it's not easy but it's simple. It's like being on a diet or avoiding things that are bad for you -learn some self-control and if you choose not to then please don't blame others or lie to yourself.

 

The reason I questioned him is because just two days prior he said he just wanted to date me and asked me to be his gilfriend and then 2 days later his responses changed. I asked him because his actions changed. I texted him Saturday we sent a couple of texts and exchanged pictures and then I didn't hear from him at all yesterday. I'm thinking he isn't as interested as he once was for whatever reason. I know it had only been 3 dates and yes I do think it's very soon to assume anything but the only reason I did because he said we were dating exclusively. Any advice on how to proceed or should I not proceed at all.

[Redabc123]

Yep agreed.

 

I've actually written off a guy because of this.

 

We went on two dates and it was good. He wanted to know if I was going on other dates, and I was like, um I'm not telling you that? (Because it's none of his business). He took that as a yes, and on the day where I told him I had plans (which he assumed I was going on other dates), he sent me 4 messages in a period of a few hours. I came out of the movie and saw the messages, I was like w t f what's wrong with this guy.

 

He told me he likes me and I said I like him too and wanted to get to know him more. He asked me how much I liked him and said he doesn't want to become too invested and get hurt. I said I like him as much as one can after two dates. He seemed uncomfortable with the fact that I was still going on other dates. If I learned anything from past experience, it is DO NOT become exclusive with someone before you get to know them.

 

I said I respect that he has his boundaries so we should just stop dating if he's uncomfortable with my approach to dating. He backtracked and said its ok, he just meant that he won't date others. But later I see him on the dating website again. He tried to say he was just bored lol...

 

I mean seriously, that is all too much drama after only TWO dates. Completely unnecessary.

 

Oh wow this I almost identical to what happened even before he said he wanted do be exclusive. He saw me online a few weeks back and said he didn't want to start liking someone who was talking to all these guys I did the same as you and wished him well and he back tracked and took it all back... Weird... What did you do when it happened to you? Did you ever speak again?

[James516]

Regardless of time frame, already you have learned far too many times that he doesn't keep his word. And he doesn't acknowledge when his actions are different than what he says. So you have already been shown a big red flag banner of a major character defect of that guy.

Sometimes people make too many excuses for signs of bad traits when it's a dating situation. So a good question is - would you put up with a new potential friend not sticking to what they say? No. I am glad you went out with someone else and I hope you keep doing that.

[Batya33]

The reason I questioned him is because just two days prior he said he just wanted to date me and asked me to be his gilfriend and then 2 days later his responses changed. I asked him because his actions changed. I texted him Saturday we sent a couple of texts and exchanged pictures and then I didn't hear from him at all yesterday. I'm thinking he isn't as interested as he once was for whatever reason. I know it had only been 3 dates and yes I do think it's very soon to assume anything but the only reason I did because he said we were dating exclusively. Any advice on how to proceed or should I not proceed at all.

 

 

It's possible he was put off by your questioning him but, sure, if he claimed to want to be exclusive then he should not be active on line (although he might wonder what you were doing on line). I realize you were trying to deactivate but it sounds like you were checking up on him.

 

I cannot relate to how often you feel someone needs to be in contact with you after only 3 dates -as I wrote on your past threads about other men you seem to want this constant contact not because you particularly care about how the other person is doing but for your personal reassurance. I would see a red flag if someone questioned why I hadn't been in touch for one day unless we had specific plans or a specific plan to talk for an important reason. That would feel way too clingy for me. Maybe he feels the same.

[reinventmyself]

He may have been saying just enough to hook you into having sex.

When you started calling him out on the inconsistencies he realized that he might have to actually back up his words with actions.

 

Or. . people move at different paces and paces switch often. Move, counter move. Your questioning and level of contact may have made him rethink things. Not to remove them completely off the table but he may have stepped back to regain some comfortable control of the pace, at least on his end.

 

What to do next? revisit my original response and respond with positivity when and if he contacts you.

Dial back the intensity. This makes people nervous early on and consider it a precursor of things to come.

For the time being, don't ask so many questions but let his actions be your guide.

[notalady]

Oh wow this I almost identical to what happened even before he said he wanted do be exclusive. He saw me online a few weeks back and said he didn't want to start liking someone who was talking to all these guys I did the same as you and wished him well and he back tracked and took it all back... Weird... What did you do when it happened to you? Did you ever speak again?

 

Ok this changes everything. So HE asked you to be exclusive (within 3 dates!! Big red flag btw), but now back on dating sites. So you didn't agree to exclusivity?

 

I just said ok since he said he's fine with me dating others. I went on one more date with him (3rd date), there were more red flags popping up but the exclusivity thing and lying about his age were the big ones. He also asked me to go to his place for the next date which was another red flag for me. So after that I told him I don't think we're a good match and never saw him again.

 

I suspect he was back on the dating sites because he realised it's not smart to close off his options when I didn't agree to be exclusive, but he had a shady way of going about it. He laid it on thick about how much he liked me and wouldn't date others, but here he is looking to date others, instead of being open and honest, he gave excuses like "I'm just bored".

 

A guy asking for exclusivity so soon is a red flag because they are doing it out of insecurity, they want to lock you down first without even getting to know you because they don't want competition, they are scared you're going to meet someone else "better" than them. He wants you to close off all your options while he can safely continue to evaluate you with no competition in sight.

 

All this talk of "I don't want to get my feelings hurt" is bs because what would've happened if you didn't have exclusivity? You would've gone on several dates and gotten to know each other, and if you both like each other enough AFTER knowing more and think you should date exclusively, then you have that talk. If it doesn't proceed to that stage, it would've been a handful of dates, really, he's going to be so emotionally invested and hurt after a handful of dates with a stranger if it doesn't proceed?

 

The backtracking is telling. If he truly believes in only dating one person at a time, he would've upheld his standard and bid you goodbye when you said you didn't agree to it. The backtracking shows intent to manipulate when he asked for exclusivity at the start, because when that failed, he went for plan B, so he didn't lose out on the chance of dating you all together. At the same time, he's on dating sites keeping his options open, and when you asked (which I assume was to clarify if you are in fact BOTH going to keep dating others), he said not really, meaning he doesn't want YOU to go out and date others, but he wants to keep his options open. How is this fair?

 

Sorry this guy isn't honest. I'd drop him.

[kathy679]

Keep going on dates, after just a few dates no body owes anybody anything