rosephase Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 OP it sounds like you've been very giving and accommodating to his adult kids. It sounds like you are willing to have them around, you invite them into your home, you pay for the food they eat when they are there you are willing to be flexible and seem to value your partner's connection with his kids. This is your partner's issue. He needs to choose to set better boundaries with his kids or move back into his own place (which again you seem completely in support of and understand that it might be the best option for where he and his offspring are in their lives at the moment) but it sounds like he wants to live with you. So he is making a bunch of choices that are the easiest for him and harder on you and his kids. That is selfish and unkind to all of you. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Okay - if you have a boyfriend that has kids and he has visitation or joint custody of and they stay over - you cannot say "I don't want to live with the kids", and think that removing him from his house where the kids sometimes stay means you can pick and choose only him and not the kids. If he still had his place, then you could say the kids can't stay over - but your place is now their dad's place. They are welcome in his home. I had a roommate where the rule was no guests. It was uncomfortable and odd not being able to have my family in my home. It was a situation where if I saw them, I had to go out to meet them. It is awkward. Is he your partner, or is he someone you took in to crash on your sofa? If he is your partner, then his family should be welcome. 19 and 20/21 is a tough age - most people at that age are in college or otherwise still supported by parents in a way. They are not fully launched yet - and dealing with divorced or ex parents throws complication in the mix. His first priority should be being a good dad. At the age that his kids are. 19 year old triplets and a 21 year old? or do I misread? Anyway, at those ages, its not a "i get them every two weeks" - at that point, a dad should be meeting his adult but not totally launched kids aside from that because he enjoys them and their personalities and he should do that without any sort of mandates - like meeting up to go to a ballgame together, grabbing a coffee with them sometime. My brothers and dad golf together, or the one that works near where dad works gets lunch with him every so often. My parents are not divorced - its just that our parents enjoy spending time with us as interesting individuals. Things will change as the kids get a little older, more established with careers - but right now, they really need his guidance as their dad - they are trying to figure out their direction in life and he needs to be there more than he needs to follow "house rules" Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I agree to some extent with abitbroken...but I think the line needs to be drawn at the dad's SO being obligated to pay the adult child's cell phone bill. If the dad wants to cover the adult children's bills that's certainly his choice...but then he should be earning the money to pay those bills. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 He moved out and rented his house out to move in with her. And KNEW that the reason she wasn't living with him full time was because his kids were over most of the time. It certainly appears that he thinks he can steamroll OP into taking care of him AND his kids. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 One simple rule to live by: my house, my rules. You don't like it? There's the door. And you do not back down or deviate from that. Ever. You don't even engage in arguments, you simply repeat what I've typed up there, and tell everyone it's nonnegotiable. It's not like that's not been the case all along, draw a line in the sand and tell everyone, "This line is it." Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 One simple rule to live by: my house, my rules. You don't like it? There's the door. And you do not back down or deviate from that. Ever. You don't even engage in arguments, you simply repeat what I've typed up there, and tell everyone it's nonnegotiable. It's not like that's not been the case all along, draw a line in the sand and tell everyone, "This line is it." Good recipe for disaster. Or would the end of the relationship be the ultimate end game with an attitude like that. Link to comment
roadrunner12 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 To be honest, niether sounds like an exceptional example of humanity. She strikes me as an extremely selfish and cold fish and he is a poor excuse for a parent if what's being written is true. I know I sometimes haven't used the best choice of words but isn't this over the top? " niether sounds like an exceptional example of humanity." I don't think MissSunshine is a serial killer, nor deserves to be labeled as anything less than human. Sometimes the knowitalls should give their self righteous arrogance a break but oh I forgot they are the shining example of humanity. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 To be honest, this sounds like a case of give an inch, take a mile. Is he contributing financially to the household at least? I was amazed that it was expected that you would take over a nearly 20 year olds phone bill. I also would not be happy with her treating my home so shabbily. Link to comment
MissSunshine81 Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 I have read through everyone's comments and do appreciate each persons view point including Clinton who has decided I am a poor example of humanity. I totally understand that my home became our home when he asked to move in with me. And that I should not and would never consider coming in between my partner and his children. I have tried to be accommodating by having his kids over however I have put restrictions in place which I can see could be perceived as dictatorial. I just feel that I have always been consistent in regards to my situation which is why I bought my place even after my partner had invited me to move in to his home. Although he does not contribute financially he handles all the other home responsibilities and I have never eaten so well in my life! He is very thoughtful and kind to me. Which I know some of you feel like I don't deserve it how're I do support him also.... I get that I don't show support when it comes to his children however I still struggle to see why that is my responsibility. Yes I got involved with a man who has children. Yes I am aware that a Father is a Father forever, not for a limited period of time. Yes I understand that his children, although adults, will always be part of his life. However surely this is his relationship to maintain. His to look after. His to ensure that the precious bond, trust and love is cultivated and protected...? I am a daughter too and I have a fantastic relationship with my Mother. He does not do anything to ensure that is maintained. He doesn't help me work at it. I do. It's my responsibility and I will always endeavour to make sure she knows every day how much of a priority she is in my life and how much gratitude I have for all the amazing sacrifices she has made for me. I don't think it's anyone else's job to do that. Is this not comparable? Again I very much appreciate people's time and energy going into this thread. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I agree to some extent with abitbroken...but I think the line needs to be drawn at the dad's SO being obligated to pay the adult child's cell phone bill. If the dad wants to cover the adult children's bills that's certainly his choice...but then he should be earning the money to pay those bills. Oh. Absolutely. I wasn't figuring the phone into the equation. If the adult child is in college and the DAD wants to pay it, that is between father and child. I get the child needs to pay themselves - but actually, my siblings and i stayed on the family plan and just kicked in some money until we each got married, or got more settled into our careers. Its their way of helping since their account is 20 years old or something crazy like that and they pay very little to have us on. But our parents never paid for individual plans, we were always the add ons. Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I know I sometimes haven't used the best choice of words but isn't this over the top? " niether sounds like an exceptional example of humanity." I don't think MissSunshine is a serial killer, nor deserves to be labeled as anything less than human. Sometimes the knowitalls should give their self righteous arrogance a break but oh I forgot they are the shining example of humanity. I bow before the wisdom of someone so perfect and sarcastic. I'll be sure and run my opinions by you in the future to see if they're worthy Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Oh. Absolutely. I wasn't figuring the phone into the equation. If the adult child is in college and the DAD wants to pay it, that is between father and child. I get the child needs to pay themselves - but actually, my siblings and i stayed on the family plan and just kicked in some money until we each got married, or got more settled into our careers. Its their way of helping since their account is 20 years old or something crazy like that and they pay very little to have us on. But our parents never paid for individual plans, we were always the add ons. And I agree 100% with how you are handling the phone bill. YOU are contributing funds toward the bill...you aren't expecting someone unrelated to you to pay the bill, and neither are your parents. I think the OP's boyfriend is overstepping boundaries if he is expecting the OP to pay HIS child's cell phone bill with the OP's own funds. I don't care how fabulous the dinners he cooks are (and I am going to go out on a limb and speculate the OP is paying for the grocery items that are used to prepare said dinners), expecting the OP to pay his daughter's phone bill is asking too much. Link to comment
roadrunner12 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I bow before the wisdom of someone so perfect and sarcastic. I'll be sure and run my opinions by you in the future to see if they're worthy Clinton, believe it or not, I actually enjoy reading the advice you give and I know that you give some excellent advice on these boards. Keep it up. And no I'm not being sarcastic when I say this. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 He decided to move in with me, he wanted to rent out his house and buy another and whilst looking asked if he could move in and told her to move back in with the Mother, in the view to moving back in with him when the other property was bought. This was 18 months ago. No other property has been bought and he wants to continue to live with me. She still wants to live with him, and he obviously would like her to move in with us too. This is a flawed plan (the part in bold). Or it was a plan to take advantage of you. Why didn't he find a house to buy first before he rented his? What's the story with his kids, are they in school? At those ages we had all flown the nest, me, my siblings, my husband, his siblings, our kids, with perhaps an occasional visit home. You can establish house rules, it's still YOUR house. You can set a deadline for his looking around. You have already compromised, you don't have to compromise more. Teens can be tough, even when they are your own, so you've been put in an extra tough position, and you came into their lives at a tough time. However, I have come to see family as an aspect of compatibility (especially over time) and after 5 years you may be up against a area where you two are incompatible. It is hard to compromise compatibility. It's not one's fault, really. Not really related to the issue at hand, but I'm curious, are the three 19-year-olds triplets? _____________ Oh, I realize I missed much of the discussion, it must have gone on to more pages when I started my reply. Sorry if it sounds like I'm late to the discussion, but I am. I just want to say, though, being firm about your boundaries in not be dictatorial or unsupportive. You have a right to your values, and it is kind to communicate them clearly. No need to argue or defend them. Like parispaulette's advice demonstrates. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 but actually, my siblings and i stayed on the family plan and just kicked in some money until we each got married, I'm not sure family plans are actually a thing in the UK. I've never known anyone who had one. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I think the boyfriend is taking advantage of you. Kids just come with, and learned the same thing from their dad. Major entitlement going on there. He's broken his word, or outright lied, a few times on some major things. He's rolled through your boundaries, even though you were crystal clear about them and were willing to make adjustments to make it work. He is the one who screwed up here, so what is he doing to help fix it? It can't be just you working to try and make adjustments all the time. You may have to let him know very clearly that as things are is not working for you, and see what he has to say about that. Is he willing to do something different to save the relationship? You aren't asking him to screw his kids or abandon them in any way. You are asking for a partner who respects your needs desires and boundaries too. By the way, I think it is sad that he has four adult children and none of them seem to be concerned about their dad being in a tough spot financially and not being able to work. And I think it's sadder yet that there are so many people that think that is ok for 19+ year olds to not be thinking of others besides themselves yet. Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I think this is one of those instances where, if you don't have kids, you just can't understand and probably never will. I have kids, and I understand. And I know it's a tough age. But that doesn't mean that boundaries should be ignored. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Oh - if the boyfriend is renting out his place - isn't he receiving an income from it. Surely, he is not just charging what mortgage and insurance would be and that's it? I would tell him that when the tenant's lease is up, he should stop renting the house out and maintain the residence so his kids have a home to go to. He can choose to primarily live with you or live with his kids. I would honestly, on your end, think of what you ultimately want in this relationship. Would you ultimately like to be married to someone? Even if its not him? If you do eventually picture yourself married with or without a child of your own, how does supporting a boyfriend 10 years older and dealing with his lack of boundaries work for you? A lot of times we accept what our SO gives us because we feel we have no room to criticize - but what does a relationship that means marriage or is for life look for you? Does it look like this? If not, what does it look like? I know you say you both are fine with the arrangement - you have enough money - but is it really what you want? That you provide a place for him and his kids to stay - where you are the guest or just floating in and out between working? Link to comment
MissSunshine81 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 Yes my partner does have triplets. His house has been rented out to a member of his family who was going through tough times. My partner was living 30 miles away and decided that he would buy closer to me. Unfortunately he did not buy as his work became increasingly more demanding and he was consumed by it. He then became unwell and has been off work for 5 months. He doesn't financially contribute to anything at the moment. But did whilst he was earning. L works in retail however hours are not guaranteed and she has decided not to look for anything else. She has been working for about 4 months now and this is her first job. I stopped the phone payments 2 months ago and now she cannot make out going calls. My partner find it difficult to set rules really as he was the main breadwinner when he and his wife split (I met him after he had been divorced for 6 years). She was given full custody. With his working hours he only got to see them a couple times a week and at weekends. This killed him. Also any arguments or fighting at home was sorted by the ex calling him and demanding that he come round and sort it out.... So the time he spent with them at his home he didn't want to be chastising them. He wanted the time to be fun. I am now looking into couples therapy in attempt to for he and I to find a better way of communicating especially about his children. He and I, as unlikely as we are, want to be together. It's very difficult to try and get the lives of two individuals under one roof. Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Clinton, believe it or not, I actually enjoy reading the advice you give and I know that you give some excellent advice on these boards. Keep it up. And no I'm not being sarcastic when I say this. My fault, not yours. We all have our hot button topics and this is mine. WhiIe I still believe my point was valid, it should have been presented in a more constructive way. All the best. Link to comment
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