Partner and his kids.

[MissSunshine81]

Any advice, feedback or comments are greatly received.

 

My partner and I have been together for over 5 years and 1.5years ago he moved in with me. He is 10yrs older than me.

I chose not to move in with him as I didn't want to live with his kids.

He has 4 children (3 x 19 & 1 x 21) from a previous marriage.

 

I have never really bonded with any of his kids and have generally not got involved with the whole situation.

When we met, he told me that although he is a father he only sees them every other weekend as they are wanting to spend more and more time with their friends at the weekends rather than with their Dad. So this worked well.

One, L, then moved in with him as she (19) has a rocky relationship with her mother. I continued to stay over but generally when she was staying at friends etc.

 

He decided to move in with me, he wanted to rent out his house and buy another and whilst looking asked if he could move in and told her to move back in with the Mother, in the view to moving back in with him when the other property was bought.

This was 18 months ago. No other property has been bought and he wants to continue to live with me.

She still wants to live with him, and he obviously would like her to move in with us too.

 

I have explained to him that I appreciate he made promises and that she is unhappy at home however I have always maintained that I do not want to live with his kids.

And should he want to live with her I am more than happy to accept that and he can move out and do that. I can stay at his 3/4 nights a week and he can stay with me 3/4 nights a week.

He doesn't want to stop living together and therefore has not auctioned any of this.

 

In the meantime he has also stopped working due to health reasons, however we are in a fortunate enough position with my work and therefore still in a comfortable position.

Although when I told him I was not going to continue his payments for L mobile phone this was not happily accepted.

 

L used to stay whenever it suit her. No arrangement or anything, just a call saying - I want to stay tonight. I did ask if she could let us know each weekend when she would like to stay so that I could organise the food shopping better but she prefers not too. Instead on occasions when, for any reason, staying is not possible, she questions it and wants a justification. She arranges to just go out with her friends and come back at 3/4am any day of the week still claiming that she wants to stay because she misses her Father. There was also a few instances where she left the cooker on before leaving the house ('oh... yeah I knew there was a noise from the cooker but I didn't know what it was'), didn't lock/close the front door several times (oh yeah, I left in such a rush I didn't realise'... including when she was actually coming in from work ('I am just so tired from work I didn't know').... which then made me feel worried and I decided that she should not have a key for my house or be allowed to stay alone there.

 

I then asked my partner if we could have our weekends just us. I work very long hours Monday - Friday and feel that I would like to enjoy the weekend without having to run about after her, stress about times she is going to be back so she can get in, and also, to be honest, just wanting to enjoy time with him and me. We go away frequently for weekends and generally she would question this. I like going away and I hate having to justify to her every time something is booked because 'oh... well I wanted to stay' was always said back to us. Anyway, this was agreed.

So his kids can stay Monday - Thursday.

 

Generally L wants to stay about 3x a week. Its not ideal for me as I never wanted this however I know I need to compromise. She does irritate me and my partner and I do argue about her however he sometimes just lets me rant at him and I sometimes just bite my tongue.

Now another of his kids Y also wants to stay, so some nights there are 2 of them staying over.

 

 

To be honest I just need advice on some coping mechanisms. I need some help in how to communicate better with them, and him so that I don't come accross so negative about them. I do feel like I 'tolerate' them and am acutely aware that my whole mood changes when he contacts me to advise that one, generally L or 2 of them want to stay over.

[DoF]

2 red flags, one for you and one for him.

 

If you love him and accept him as a partner, you need to be more involved and get to know his kids/bond with them, Sorry.

 

And no, he is NOT a good father if his idea of "parenting" is "once every 2 weeks" or "cause my kids are with friends". Father should be involved WAY more than that. Especially at that age, of course teens will push parents away, it's our job to laugh at that and remain close and BE THERE (physically)

 

 

 

No need to read on any further.

 

You want no part of his kids/his life and you are mismatched and not a good fit for each other.

 

It's time to end it and find a man that's a better fit. As simple as that.

 

By remaining you are simply holding off on the inevitable. No father will NOR should EVER take any woman seriously if they are not willing to take THEM/Their fatherhood NOR their children seriously.

 

This applies to women as well, I do NOT see any mother ever even remotely thinking about engaging with such a man (if the tables were flipped).

 

That's just crazy.

 

Fact that he stayed with you knowing this is concerning and probably speaks volumes about what kind of a man/father he is.

 

Find a man with no kids, cause you already know you want no part of ANY of it. Write it off as a mistake on YOUR end, cause after all you knew he had kids yet you remained engaged with him/in relationship.

 

Not smart. Sorry

[mhowe]

You are running a hotel, not a relationship. "We are fortunate enough"? Does he contribute financially to the situation? Since he no longer lives in his house, is it rented? Why can't his daughter live there?

 

You are a pushover and this will only get worse.

[j.man]

Any reason his adult children can't procure their own housing? If his children love the house so much, let them all split the rent for it and stay there while your guy stays with you.

[greta96]

It is indeed a difficult situation, and your partner is caught between a rock and a hard place. His kids should come first, so that's that. You knew this from day one.

However, it is your place, and it is not fair of him or his kids to put you in this position. Your house should be a resting place, a retreat, where you can feel calm and unwind after long days at work. It is not right of them to turn it into a motel, and even worse, to expect you to pay (or even contribute) to his kids' expenses. Not to mention the fact that with him not working, now you have to support him too!

The way I see it, you have 2 options: 1. end this relationship, because it's way too much hassle and you will never have what you want out of it, or 2. have a good, calm but firm conversation with your partner, and tell him you can no longer allow him and his family to mooch off you. If he genuinely loves you and wants to continue this relationship, he needs to move out, because you need your space to yourself. If he is a good person who loves you for you, he'll understand. If he is with you just to have a roof over his head, food on the table for him and his kids and financial help, then he will be all butthurt and will break up with you.

Me personally, I would do #1.

[Clinton]

I think he needs to get his own place but I dont think that will solve all your problems.

 

If he's any sort of decent parent whatsoever the fact that you just "tolerate" his kids should end the relationship right there.

 

No parent in their right mind should chose a partner with so little regard for their children.

 

If he's smart, he will part with you and find someone more suited.

[mhowe]

I think the "kids" here are using Daddy and his partner as a hotel so they don't have to live by Mummies rules.

 

Since the OP and his partner travel quite a bit, it looked like a free crash pad that would be empty.

 

Since his partner decided to move in with him, I don't see how OP enforcing his own boundaries makes HIM a bad partner. Dad sucks.

[j.man]

She came into the picture when all his kids were teens. That combined with the fact it's apparently been an every other weekend gig between him and the kids, I don't really think OP is terrible for having a relatively indifferent relationship with the children.

 

I wouldn't want someone else's freeloading adult kids hanging around, either.

[mhowe]

She came into the picture when all his kids were teens. That combined with the fact it's apparently been an every other weekend gig between him and the kids, I don't really think OP is terrible for having a relatively indifferent relationship with the children.

 

I wouldn't want someone else's freeloading adult kids hanging around, either.

 

She is a he.

[Clinton]

She came into the picture when all his kids were teens. That combined with the fact it's apparently been an every other weekend gig between him and the kids, I don't really think OP is terrible for having a relatively indifferent relationship with the children.

 

I wouldn't want someone else's freeloading adult kids hanging around, either.

 

I'd respectfully disagree. She's an extremely bad partner for a man with children. She would be much better served finding someone without kids. Not everyone is cut out to deal with an extended family but as a parent, if someone has so lttle regard for your family, you should leave.

[mhowe]

OP is not a bad partner. Daddy is a lousy Daddy ---- he has quit his job, moved in with OP and has zero boundaries nor interest in his own kids.

 

OP has said from day 1 what the boundaries are --- and Daddy dearest wants to dump the housing, feeding and general maintenance of his ADULT children on his partner.

[Clinton]

If you get involved with a man who has children, no matter how old, you have to be willfully naive to believe you can hold them at arms length forever.

 

I think they would be best served going their own ways. This relationship should never have lasted as long as it did.

 

To be honest, niether sounds like an exceptional example of humanity. She strikes me as an extremely selfish and cold fish and he is a poor excuse for a parent if what's being written is true.

[MissSunshine81]

DoF - Thank you for your feedback. I feel I have not been 100% clear in my communication. Although I have not 'bonded' with his kids we do generally get on in a shallow way. I don't want to play a mother figure, they have both a Father and a Mother and don't need another parent. I try not to express my opinion about anything unless they ask. I ask them questions and may question their answer but wouldn't look to actually give advice unless they specifically asked.

His kids would spend alternate weekends between the parents and he would see them during the week when they popped in and out.

I don't think that a new partner needs to take on someones kids if they have any, especially when the kids are a certain age... They are his kids/children but they are adults now.

 

Mhowe - His house is rented out under a contract which unfortunately cannot be changed. He does not contribute financially, and hasn't for a number of months, however he supports the home in different ways... although I do still have a cleaner! I don't want to be a push over, I don't want to run a hotel - which to be honest I do sometimes feel like I am. How would you suggest I communicate this to him without being negative or unsupportive?

 

j.man - L, who is particularly unhappy does not have stable work, she is on a zero hour contract - when I have spoken to her about looking for full time perm work she tells me that she has a job, so why would she look for another. She has not yet decided what she wants to do long term and is lucky enough to get good hours at the moment and therefore thinks she is doing enough. To be honest I really don't think that she is even mature enough to handle living alone, since I refused to pay the mobile bill she has been cut off as has not arranged the DD. This was a couple months ago.

 

I just feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.

[j.man]

OP has been paying the daughter's phone bill in lieu of both the daughter's mother and father. I really don't understand how you get selfish and cold fish from that.

 

OP doesn't want to live with any other adult than the boyfriend. That's perfectly reasonable. OP hasn't hinted any opposition to the boyfriend's children outside of that. This isn't an issue of the OP not being willing to accept the children as part of the equation in any capacity at all. It's an issue of the guy enabling his adult children's freeloading ways.

[DoF]

DoF - Thank you for your feedback. I feel I have not been 100% clear in my communication. Although I have not 'bonded' with his kids we do generally get on in a shallow way. I don't want to play a mother figure

 

Problem is, by DEFAULT, by getting involved with him, you NEED to be. But you refuse to be, which means you 2 are incompatible.

 

 

 

 

, they have both a Father and a Mother and don't need another parent. I try not to express my opinion about anything unless they ask. I ask them questions and may question their answer but wouldn't look to actually give advice unless they specifically asked.

His kids would spend alternate weekends between the parents and he would see them during the week when they popped in and out.

I don't think that a new partner needs to take on someones kids if they have any, especially when the kids are a certain age... They are his kids/children but they are adults now.

 

Kids are FOREVER, not "until 18"

 

Just how parenting works, it's a never ending task.....one that you don't want to take on (which is completely ok, it's not for everyone).

 

Which AGAIN, means, you are NOT compatible.

 

Find a man that's compatible! This is YOUR mistake for getting involved with at man that is not a good fit for you. Sorry

[j.man]

L, who is particularly unhappy does not have stable work, she is on a zero hour contract - when I have spoken to her about looking for full time perm work she tells me that she has a job, so why would she look for another.

And you don't want to support this fine specimen of adulthood? HEARTLESS.

[Clinton]

I think this is one of those instances where, if you don't have kids, you just can't understand and probably never will.

[mhowe]

These are not "kids" ---- they are adult children and should be heading off into the world. There is no "custody" and weekends split between mommy and daddy.

 

My apologies OP --- your profile says you are Male.

 

I would tell your partner that you are not changing YOUR life to accommodate his kids. You are paying you/his bills, paying a cleaner, buying food and covering the mortgage. He must have some financial resources, no?

 

No way in Hell I would be paying for my partners' kids phone bill.

[mhowe]

I think this is one of those instances where, if you don't have kids, you just can't understand and probably never will.

 

I don't have kids but I CANNOT see how daddy's girlfriend is on the hook for HIS daughter's phone bill. Or food. Or housing.

 

This is on Daddy for renting out his house and moving in with OP> in addition to his lousy parenting skills and for forgetting to teach his kids to be independent.

Which he apparently is failing woefully at himself.

[Clinton]

Once again,no kids,no real basis for an opinion. It's like a virgin talking about sex. You may know it in theory, but in practice it's vastly different.

[mhowe]

Once again,no kids,no real basis for an opinion. It's like a virgin talking about sex. You may know it in theory, but in practice it's vastly different.

 

Don't need a PhD in physics to understand gravity.

[Clinton]

Don't need a PhD in physics to understand gravity.

But you need to be a parent to understand the dynamics between a father or mother and their children

[sophie274]

Well, I agree that dad's girlfriend should not have to pay for any of his children's bills. That's for mom and dad to work out.

 

But I can't imagine being basically without a home because my father moved in with his girlfriend, and not being able to come and stay with him. Certain rules seem fine to me (letting them know 24 hours in advance, being careful in the house, being respectful etc ...), but I just can't imagine being told I can't stay at my father's house. If my father moved in with a girlfriend, got rid of my family home, and then told me I couldn't stay there because the girlfriend didn't want a relationship with me, I'm pretty sure I'd be VERY upset. I haven't lived with my parents in many years, but know that if I ever needed to stay there, they would take me in in a heartbeat. The girl is 19, not 40 - most young adults nowadays are dependent on their parents throughout their college years, if not beyond. Some rules are in order, but I don't think that it is unusual or unhealthy for her not to have her own house.

 

I think dad should move out and back into his own place where he can see his children on the weekends.

 

Oh, and by the way, I completely understand how it would irritate the OP because there is nothing that annoys me more than my boyfriend's family showing up at my apartment without warning and me having to worry about entertainment, dinner, cleaning, when all I wanted was to relax. I hate that they never invite us and barely thank me. But I think when you date a father, this comes with the territory (and one of the reasons why I don't think I would be a good fit with someone with children).

[boltnrun]

I'm curious how he contributes to the household but doesn't work, cook or clean.

 

What does he do that can be considered contributing?

 

PS: I'm a parent of adult children. There's no way I would accept, let alone expect, my SO to pay my adult children's bills. My two adult kids know if they want a cell phone or a car, they better have a job that pays enough to cover those things.

[Silverbirch]

OP, I hope you can get find a way to get your independence and privacy back ASAP. I was in a relationship with man who had major issues with his kids. Although he dumped me and I was devastated at the time, my life is much better without them. I don't miss them at all. After the breakup, I came to believe that I was used for his financial and social benefit. Life is actually GREAT on my own.