Fighting Rules

[WithLove]

I've seen a number of recent posts about something called "fighting rules" and I wanted to know what people think about them. To be honest, I've never heard of anything like that. Does it mean you sit down with a significant other and say "Listen, we're not fighting right now, but if we do, here is how we should communicate with each other"?

 

What are some of your fighting rules?

[mhowe]

I think the rules are internal. Like I would never say anything cruel or nasty knowing how much it would hurt.

 

I actually did promise never to walk out (I had done it early in the relationship) and he told me how much he hated it. So I promised that though I might leave the room, I would never leave the house.

[Seraphim]

No yelling

No character assisination

No bringing up the past

Adhere to the current situation

Listen to what is being said not what you THINK was being said

Actually LISTEN.

[WithLove]

I did have an ex that told me once how an ex would stand in the doorway while they were fighting, so that he couldn't physically leave without pushing her. I'm sure I unconsciously checked myself to make sure I never confronted him while in a doorway. I guess that would be considered a fighting rule, huh?

[Fudgie]

Outside of the obvious (no physical touch), you shouldn't ever call names or denigrate your partner or belittle or be patronizing. It really erodes trust extremely quickly, long after the fight is over. If you find yourself getting heated or feel like you may something you may regret, then leave the room or tell your partner that you need to hang up for a little bit and cool down but you'll get back to them.

 

I've had to take cool down periods in past relationships during heated arguments. My issue is that I have a tendency to withdraw and that drove my exes crazy.

[JustWishing]

And of course...always treat others how you would like to be treated during a disagreement. With respect

[Seraphim]

We have no problem with cool down periods. If one person or both need to retreat before we can carry-on we allow ourselves or each other to do that.

[lostandhurt]

It is a conversation you both have when there is no conflict between you. Like at the dinner table you bring it up. I don't like to fight or argue but it is bound to happen so I would like both of us to agree to some rules like: no hitting of any kind, no name calling, no throwing things or any kind of violent behavior, no screaming, no bringing up the past when you are loosing the argument, no cheap shots or hurtful comments. Stuff like that. Also like has been mentioned if one person tends to feel out of control a cool down period can be agreed to. I like the leaving the room thing, not the house.

 

You may be in an argument but that doesn't give anyone a license to you abusive words or actions.

 

Lost

[redswim30]

Speak calmly and without judgment

 

No name calling

 

No bringing up the past

 

No saying, " You never " or "You always", no generalizing

 

Listen and respond, don't assume or project onto other person

 

Don't one up ( I did something wrong, but YOU.. OR " You caused this by X, Y, Z)

 

Try and compromise

 

No walking away

[thejigsup]

I NEED to leave when an argument gets heated, before mean things are said. I may be gone anywhere from an hour to three weeks, but I will come back when I am able to discuss things calmly. My partner always knew where I was to contact me in case of an emergency. It was never the silent treatment, just something I needed to do, still need to do, in fact.. This is why I hated being married, you can't do this. It drove me crazy and led to serious fights.

[reinventmyself]

An ex bf had a great tool from his past experience in marraige counseling:

Use a object. In our case a drink coaster was handy in the moment. The person holding the object got to speak as long as they held the object. When you were finished speaking, you passed the object to your partner.

It serves as a great physical reminder to listen and not interrupt while your partner was speaking.

There were a few funny moments when you held up the object mid sentence as a visual reminder to wait your turn.

Try it sometime. It works pretty well.

[Sportster2005]

I've seen a number of recent posts about something called "fighting rules" and I wanted to know what people think about them. To be honest, I've never heard of anything like that. Does it mean you sit down with a significant other and say "Listen, we're not fighting right now, but if we do, here is how we should communicate with each other"?

 

What are some of your fighting rules?

 

I believe in them. There's many excellent ones all over the Internet.

 

One of the most important rules I try to live by in conflict is to maintain the dignity of the person you are having conflict with.

 

Another is to be very, very careful of what you say when you are angry. Once the bell is wrung it can't be undone.

[Ms Darcy]

FAIR FIGHTING is a wonderful discipline.

 

Often times, people have standards they don't speak and triggers that they aren't aware of. Fair fighting is best when both folks have a little chat about how they chat. An example of a good set of fighting rules, is below. My favorite is setting a time limit upfront.

 

 

 

Take it private and keep it private.

Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.

 

Keep it relevant.

Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all.

 

Keep it real.

Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated.

 

Avoid character assassination.

Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.

 

Remain task-oriented.

Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it.

 

Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity.

How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.

 

Be proportional in your intensity.

Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.

 

There's a time limit.

Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.

[j.man]

1. No arguing while either one of us is drunk

2. Avoid "you" statements whenever possible

3. Ask, don't accuse

 

We both have a good enough understanding to not have to be mindful of too many other rules. We don't yell at each other or hit each other, but frankly, there are things worse than yelling such as being emotionally exploitative but simply in a quiet tone. I knew a couple where the boyfriend was one of the silent, brooding types who prided himself on always staying calm. He would throw some mean at his girlfriend and she would snap at him and people considered her the bad guy simply because her voice was louder.

[WithLove]

I think the main thing I make a conscious effort of doing, is to not belittle or disrespect the person in any way. I try really hard to remember that in their mind, their points are very valid, even if I don't agree with it. And if it's something where I just can't come to the same conclusion as they can, I am honest and tell them that that isn't working for me, and let's try to come up with an answer we're both okay with.