My friend got upset because I apolgoized

[calichick2015]

I'm 21 years old and she is a former teacher of mine. I only had her for a semester, but I developed such a sense of admiration for her, that I reached out to her on facebook a few months ago and she agreed to build a friendship with me. She is 41 years old, married with one child.

 

She's done some fishy things that make me wonder why she reached out to me in the first place.

The only times she's really made an effort are when I'm trying to walk away from the friendship, with the last time, turning the tables around on me (I didn't think she really wanted to be a friend to me, so I unfriended her on facebook). She then turned the tables around on me, explaining that "her friends are lucky to see her 2-3x's per year, if THEY are lucky", "I can be a friend to you if you don't rush me", and "I'm the kind of friend you may only find yourself connecting with a few times a year, so if you can HANDLE that, then I'm all in." I felt so awful and needy/clingy, that I agreed to that type of friendship and sent her another facebook friend request, which she accepted the following day.

 

After this, we hung out together the next week. We went shopping and I picked up the check for our lunch and when she thanked me, I said "it's the least I could do for how I acted, I should have talked to you first before I unfriended you..." and then it seemed like she became visibly uncomfortable (at this point we're walking through the mall with people around us) and she lowers her voice and says through practically gnashed teeth, "You. Need. To. Stop. Apologizing. Ugh!" and she shakes her head, like she's shaking it off, and then switches the subject and her voice goes completely back to normal. It really caught me off guard. I had apologized initially, when it had happened.

 

This isn't the only issue. She sort of dictates things to me and I've caught her in some lies, but I wonder if I'm just overreacting to small stuff. I admire her so much, but she schedules me in to hang out with her, anywhere from 3-5 weeks out and she also hints that she doesn't want to correspond during this time, like she does not want to text back and forth. Although she hasn't said this exactly, when I do text her, her replies are very short and to the point. If I just ask her "how was your weekend", she'll say "Hi, I'm fine, let's meet on xx date." That date can be anywhere from 3-5 weeks away and I'm not even asking to hang out (although I'll tell her in person, "we'll get together for dinner soon" or something). On the day when we hang out and even after while I'm driving home, she texts back and forth with me like we're BFF's, but it catches me so off-guard, I'm unsure whether to reply to her or not because of how she is for the rest of the time. So the day before/after we hang out, the day of, and on the ride home, she texts me like any other friend...but if I say anything to her during that 3-5 week period of hanging out, she's very, very cold. It's almost like she's dictating our interaction and doesn't like it that I'm not getting the hint. The common theme of all this is, if she wants to do something, we do it- if she doesn't, we don't. I don't feel as if I can even speak my opinion on how confusing this is.

 

I don't feel comfortable with asking to do something, it's almost like I have to wait for her. And the few times I have asked, she doesn't want to do what I want to do. Last time we hung out, we met up for coffee and dinner. Now, I didn't want to dinner and I said that when she suggested it, but she repeated herself and said "I'd like to go to dinner and chat, to catch up, if that's cool." Now I had just said I couldn't do dinner, but it's like she completely ignored me and was going to get her way no matter what. I could never do that with her, I almost sort of fear that she'd get angry.

 

My best friend has said she's a control freak with calendar issues. My mom says she's a user of people because the only effort she's only made is when I'm walking away and all involve say that I'm blinded by admiration. My gut says this has been weird from day one, but it's almost like she's a celebrity in my mind, with how little I get to hang out with her, so it actually feels difficult to pull away.

 

Is the getting mad at me because I apologized, normal?

[mhowe]

She is married with a child and your friendship is intrusive. You are acting like a school boy with a crush.

[chitown9]

She sounds like a strange one. She definitely has issues that have nothing to do with anything you say or do, including your apology. I can only say what I would do if I were in your shoes and that would be to distance myself from her and put her out of my life.

[calichick2015]

I have tried to walk away, with her contacting me each time, pulling me back in. When I apologized last time, she got upset with me.

 

I guess I should walk away, this time blocking her completely.

[chitown9]

 

I guess I should walk away, this time blocking her completely.

 

Yes, that is exactly what you should do. :suspicion: chi

[calichick2015]

I'm disappointed. She's made me feel like it's me. As she has said her friends are lucky to see her 2-3x's per year, if THEY are lucky. I almost feel graced with her presence when she assigns a day and time to hang out. Oh well. That's what my gut has been saying (to walk), but she's reached out to me each time.

 

Coincidentally, I live in the low desert area of California...lol.

[stuka80]

instead of blocking her, just kind of fade away. It doesn't even sound that hard to do because she barely contacts you anyway. Just stop talking to her and if she contacts you to hang out, then you can decide to hang out with her or not. Basically what i'm saying is, stop putting so much effort, because it doesn't sound like its being reciprocated. Just leave her be and let her come to you.

[alli]

I think you two are at very different places in life and while you could have some degree of a friendship, it's not going to be like the ones with your friends. Maybe she sees herself as a friend/mentor to you. Maybe that's why she told you to stop apologizing; that it was excessive & once way enough. When she says her friends are lucky to see her 2-3 times per year, I think what she's really telling you is that she's not blowing you off. This is just the amount of time that she either has or chooses to devote to her friends. And I think it would be expected that you would chat a bit before or after getting together, but there's not really a need to text on a regular basis with someone who isn't a close friend. And she's not a close friend, and she's not going to be. Why don't you just consider it a casual friend/acquaintance/mentor that you meet with occasionally? Suggest getting together every few months if you haven't heard from her, but rely on your other friends to be more involved in your daily life.

[calichick2015]

I think that it has been strange that each time I fade away the she pulls me back in. To do that for an acquaintance, someone you aren't gonna make an effort for, is odd.

 

And she does text, but it's when she says so. I don't feel like I have any control of it, that it's okay if she wants to, but not me. And that leaves me feeling so confused, I don't know what's okay and what's not. But after she barked at me, I don't feel comfortable talking to Her about it.

 

I do not text very often. Maybe once eveey 3 weeks or so.

Last time I did text, she lied. She offered an excuse as to why she hasn't been on facebook, when I didn't ask her. But she had just been on facebook because I was on at the same time and pictures that she was liking were popping up on my newsfeed. Why lie? It had been 3 weeks since I talked to her.

 

I said: hey lady, just wanted to say hi and how was your weekend?

 

She said: hi, my laptop took a sh-t and my tablet is so slow, so I haven't been on facebook at all. I'm good. So let's plan on meeting at noon on Oct 13th?

 

She's offering up a lie, umprompted. Not the first time.

 

At that point, the 13th is a month away. She's implying she doesn't want to talk at all until then I guess. But when we get near that day, she texts me like we are bff's. And I'm so confused, that I don't know whether to reply or not to it, because every time when I inititate it, she's cold and one or two words.

[stuka80]

But when we get near that day, she texts me like we are bff's.

 

That's great for her, but like i said. That's where you decide whether you wanna play along with it or not. If this friendship is unsatisfactory to you and it seems like it is, just tell her something like "hey sorry, i can't make it maybe we can do next time!" and leave it at that. Eventually she's gonna get the hint and probably just fade away herself. But you jump all over her offer and allow yourself to get reigned in again. Its not really her fault since thats how she is with her acquaintances in general, so if you want something deeper you're going to be dissappionted every single time.

[ParisPaulette]

Nothing about this woman is "normal." You need to accept that she is a controlling person who is probably abusive to anyone she gets behind closed doors. Her elevator definitely does not go up to the top, that is for sure.

 

Why are you pursuing a 40-some odd married woman with kids anyways? She sounds like she's looking for someone weak she can control and be borderline nasty to in order to make herself feel special hence her not wanting you to walk away. She likes having that power and she likes cutting you down. She wasn't upset at all that you apologized, she was delighted she could have a go at you over it and make you feel bad.

 

Walk away now while she still can before any more of that crazy rubs off on you.

[calichick2015]

Yes, my mother said the same. She has control issues and there are many subtle, yet obvious clues that she is. I should have listened to my mom months back when she said "what 41 year old needs to keep reeling someone back in."

My gut has told me early on that this is not a good situation and it's time I listened to it. Not that I wasperfect, but this is not healthy.

[Capricorn3]

Why are you pursuing a 40-some odd married woman with kids anyways? .

I was wondering the same thing. ..

 

OP, simply block her and move on. Stop feeding the flames.

[calichick2015]

I cancelled on her earlier tonight. No more than 20 minutes later she unfriended me on facebook

 

I just blocked her

[Hollyj]

She sounds like a weirdo!

[toby17]

She wants the relationship on her terms.

 

But you're also too much of a people pleaser/pushover and not very assertive. I can't believe you apologised for defroending her.

 

You don't like the relationship and you're not getting enough from it. Stop feeling guilty and drop her. And you don't need to tell her squat - block, block, block, ignore.

[BigKK]

Not sure WHY you admired her, but take this as a lesson that people aren't always what they seem to be. This woman was a fantasy and is a borderline wack job...I'd stay away for your own mental and emotional health.

 

Besides that, I'd keep looking if you need a female role model.

 

 

Just fade on her completely, it's not that hard!

[calichick2015]

Just an update...

 

I have a few friends who are teaching assistant's and at the end of last week, they told me that this teacher I admired was telling her superiors (and of course, trickling down to my friends) all about me. Negative things and not quite the truth, saying I was obsessed with her and not leaving her alone. I don't understand, if this is true, why you'd say that? I cancelled on you, you unfriended me, and I blocked you. You've been blocked for a few weeks and I haven't contacted you since. Could the blocking of her come off as aggressive? I'm trying not to be reminded me of this "friendship" and didn't want to leave the lines of communication open.

 

Then, this past Wednesday when we were "scheduled" to hang out, someone resets my facebook password and I receive an e-mail about it. I did not lose my password. It's also a coincidence that she's the only one with that particular e-mail address. It has to be her, no? You're the only one with that particular e-mail and it gets reset on the day we were suppose to hang out? That freaked me out, so I deleted that e-mail and associated my facebook with an entirely new one.

 

I don't understand what the point of that was, if it was her. To hack my facebook, you'd also have to try and reset my e-mail address, which she didn't do. Was it a reminder that we were suppose to hang out that day?

 

The combo of the two items I mentioned above, makes me hurt, above anything else. And very freaked out.

[alli]

Weird. Just continue on with your life with her blocked everywhere. Your friends know you aren't obsessive or infatuated with her or anything. And besides, there's not really anything else you could do. If you were to confront her about it, it'll just give her more ammunition to say you won't leave her alone. If she contacts you keep a record of it (in case she turns out to be the obsessive one) in case you need evidence in the future. Beyond that, whatever. It sucks when people say things about you that aren't true, especially in a way intended to embarrass you. Just move on with your own friends and eventually it will pass.