" Weed or us ? "

[greta96]

This is simply a matter of incompatibility. She has the right to not want to be with someone who smokes weed, just like you have the right to smoke it. It is true that if your habit was a dealbreaker for her, it should have been from the start, and she shouldn't have started a relationship with you. I know that once I decided weed usage was one of my deal breakers, I refused to go any further the second I found out he was a pothead. Why waste each other's time?

With that said, I do understand her decision. Pot smoking affects everyone differently, much like everything else. Our physiological makeup differs from one person to another, some do become useless vegetables if they smoke pot regularly (I dated 2 of those, I have first hand experience!), some are unaffected, and some perform even better (not in the long run though). I don't know in which category you belong, because I only know your side of the story, but the bottom line is that she is well within her rights to want to be with a man who isn't a pot user, and you need to decide what is more important to you: the life you have with her, or a life without her, where you're free to smoke as much as you please and maybe meet a woman who also has this habit and doesn't mind marijuana.

[DoF]

.....or maybe someone that does her drug of choice.

 

hehe

 

I agree with everything you said though.

[Fudgie]

I am so angry at the crap on this thread you have driven me to roll one the size of russia . The ignorance and assumptions aimed at a person who smokes is almost obscene .

Omg, I'm laughing, lol, love you pippy.

[Leo1987]

I'm a forgetfull person even when I was totally clean, I do think when ur high ur memory is affected, but out the highness is normal. So it was the first time I forget things and wont be the last as well, Honestly she is as forgetfull or even worse than I am, when I forgot the meds my mind was full of problems to solve, responsabilties e etc, and it was NOT an emergency, it was just sore throut, I took the trouble to drive almost 1 hour after working all day long just to avoid her the extra costs of buying the meds again.

 

I undestand she doesn’t want to have a stepfather addicted to weed, after a few weeks we met she said that “ I hope your weed consumption is temporary “ I also didn’t know was a cocaine user, cause if I did I would never get into this R…I found out she was I heavy user, she once was owning money due to drugs consumption and I paid her debts. Weed here in Brazil is so cheap, so the costs don’t harm my pockets

 

I’m not proud of being a pot user but I don’t think it is too bad as well, I appreciate those who is clean, I mean clean of everthing even depressed medicines otherwise is hypocrisy.

 

Her mind is very affected due cocaine consumption I can see it very clear, she gets angry easily and I’m always the calm one, she is very lazy, always tired, it seems like she is the pot smoker not me.

 

One thing that is bothering me more than anything is that her child loves me so much and I love her too, her father doesn’t care anymore, I don’t think it would be fair enough to end a relationship because I smoke pot she smokes cigarrets EVERYDAY and that is killing her, she is always sick

 

 

I would like to thank all of you guys for replying.

[DoF]

have a stepfather addicted to weed, after a few weeks we met she said that “ I hope your weed consumption is temporary “ I also didn’t know was a cocaine user, cause if I did I would never get into this R…I found out she was I heavy user, she once was owning money due to drugs consumption and I paid her debts. s

 

That is extremely shady of her and a HUGE red flag!!!!

 

Also, HUGE mistake paying off her debts. NEVER EVER DO THAT. You become an enabler and your relationship with her might just be one of "financial co dependency".

 

Even if she had just regular debt, keep finances separate.Until relationship is serious and YEARS into it.

 

I will also tell you that I've seen and known # of ex coke users that hide their addiction REALLY well. They preached "sober" but continued to use it.

 

Coke is by far one of the most addictive drugs out there and I don't know ANY people that kicked it totally or became great people once sober. it simply makes you a crappy person FOR LIFE (it seems)

 

I’m not proud of being a pot user but I don’t think it is too bad as well, I appreciate those who is clean, I mean clean of everthing even depressed medicines otherwise is hypocrisy.

 

Her mind is very affected due cocaine consumption I can see it very clear, she gets angry easily and I’m always the calm one, she is very lazy, always tired, it seems like she is the pot smoker not me.

 

One thing that is bothering me more than anything is that her child loves me so much and I love her too, her father doesn’t care anymore, I don’t think it would be fair enough to end a relationship because I smoke pot she smokes cigarrets EVERYDAY and that is killing her, she is always sick

 

I would like to thank all of you guys for replying.

 

She used you to pay of her debt and now is using you for a father figure for her child. That's SO shady.

 

If she introduced you to her child within first 6 months of the relationship = not smart and a HUGE red flag. Think about it, what kind of a smart woman would ever introduce any father/male figure to her child without taking time to get to know them and make sure they are responsible/great people. That is further proof that she is not so smart. Not only that, she is putting her child in harms way....

 

Honestly, I would end it with this girl. She is trouble, has history of GREAT trouble......baby daddy drama is sure to come and she is already presenting you with unpredictable and shady behavior.

 

You would not be very smart to remain with this girl.

 

I'm sorry.

 

Best PEOPLE relationship advice IMO is "if someone doesn't make you happy, doesn't work hard on themselves to make their life better and doesn't work hard on YOU to make your life better, they are simply not worth having around". Applies to loved ones, family, friends....whoever.....

 

Good luck

[Capricorn3]

You need to date someone that smokes weed. She isn't that person and obviously thinks your brain cells are taking a hit from all the smoke.

 

End the relationship so she can meet someone that is a better fit for her life and you can go on smoking as much dope as you want until you meet a woman that enjoys getting high like you do.

 

Sounds like she is fed up and using this to trigger the end of the relationship. Might as well end it because you are smoking behind her back and she will figure it out sooner or later

I second this post. OP, she WILL know if you are smoking again simply because you can smell it from a mile away. So, smoking behind her back is a waste of time.

[RainyCoast]

i definitely see the incompatibility. namely, i do not think that a hard working, supportive and caring man is the person for a cocaine user who needs him to spend more on gas (and a two hour drive both ways) than she'd care to spend on her own child's cough syrup, who needs him to pay off her drug debt, and who projects her idleness and addiction on to him.

 

the other important issue imo is your seeming codependency/pleasing tendencies OP. while it's obvious (at least to me) your intent is to be helpful, you are enabling this woman's irresponsible behavior by financing her, doing favors for things she could really do herself, and my impression is you have a very strong conscience and empathy galore--but it is a hindrance when used on unappreciative/destructive/irresponsible people. I find it odd you're still wondering whether she'll really break up with you, when- especially after your last response- it seems you should be reconsidering why you'd want to continue this. You said you wouldn't have ever hooked up with her had you known of her cocaine use. and yet you do know of it now, describe the damage as obvious and troublesome, you know of her lack of motivation and overreliance on others, and you're exhausting yourself to make money that ends up being spent on her debt (i would bet you're still supporting her financially in some way). you're tired, stressed and wrung out- it's no wonder you have memory lapses.

 

i sincerely hope you get some support for this in your community. if you dislike the idea of counseling there are really useful support groups or 12 step programs available for issues both related to substance abuse and not. they are free and universally available. maybe giving them a try could help you free yourself of unhealthy relationships, or at least -if you insist on staying with her- help you cope with her post-cocaine behavior and protect your resources. you could look up CoDA Co-Dependents Anonymous or programs aimed at emotional recovery in general such as Spiritual River, Recoveries Anonymous, or Recovering Couples Anonymous for example. There's also a cyber recovery program on link removed -which is btw a great site with loads of downloadable tools, textbooks, journalling software, tips and articles on pretty much anything you'd need.

 

If your gf is willing to work on the problems as well there are not only cocaine users' groups but groups for debtors and parents as well.

 

Personally, i fear her addiction has not seen it's final chapter yet, and i wonder what underlying issue (apart from the concern for the child) has landed you in this situation, and what makes you try so hard with a person who sits around, complains, neglects their kid, projects and has you pay off her debt in return. I know you can't just flip a switch on your feelings, especially having bonded with the child. But I also worry that you'll continue to make too much effort and plant the seeds, only to have this troubled woman trudge through the hard earned fruits of all your effort (financial and otherwise) like a hog through a cornfield.

 

Hope you keep us posted.

[Dottieflanogon]

Maybe you have got to the point whereby you either accept each other for who you are or decide you are not what you want. Trying to change people never works - it just builds resentment in the long term.

 

ETA: My ex smoked weed almost everyday, it didn't bother me..different strokes for different folks.

[ParisPaulette]

Eating and vaporizing weed is the best way to consume it and completely gets rid of the smoking part.

 

This is true. Best Spaghetti I ever had we used pot instead of oregano and it beyond yummy. Okay, confession time, I sometimes still dream about that spaghetti.

 

Anyways OP all of this aside I do see there's kind of a giant problem if you do substances and she had to be in rehab and get clean from a substance. I mean, that's just such a sticky wicket there regardless of anything else, because she will forever have to hold that line of not sliding back into addictions and your drug use may or may not be a problem for her on that. But I'm guessing it probably is and will be from what I know of addictions--more than I ever wanted to BTW.

 

All debates about marijuana to the side you need to both sit down and calmly discuss your goals and key core values including where each of you stand on substance and alcohol use, if you can do so rationally and calmly and whether that is or isn't a deal breaker. Personally I'm a bit at a loss why she started to date you in the first place given her history and yours. That's a pretty giant chasm to cross right there and not come up sooner or later.

 

And I am not trying to judge either of you, but someone who has had an addiction problem tends to have a much rougher time around all things substance-wise than the average Joe. I saw that with my own father who was an alcoholic after he got clean. He had to be extra careful in that one area, even of what his doctor would prescribe since he tended to tip really fast into addiction on anything given his tendencies in that area.

 

I think that may be the larger issue in all of this than just you smoking weed and her not liking it. I didn't see that when I first posted my response hence my retake on the whole matter.

[abitbroken]

I’m not proud of being a pot user but I don’t think it is too bad as well, I appreciate those who is clean, I mean clean of everthing even depressed medicines otherwise is hypocrisy.

 

Depression is sometimes a medical problem that involves the chemistry of the brain or hormones being out of balance. I don't think you can say someone needs to be clean of everything, even legitimate and much needed medicines to be considered clean or have room to talk. The reason people who really need help don't is because of that attitude - they think about what other people would think if they took meds. Some people just need a low dose of something to help their uptake receptors in their brain.

 

I noticed that when you get defensive, you tend to throw things back on the other person, "i do this But THEY do this." I think that is something to look at. You are the one responsible for your actions, who you are, how you live. It doesn't matter that you are not doing something that is "as bad" as someone else, so that justifies you are doing it. That is an argument an 8 year old makes, or maybe a young teenager. So, if you love it that you smoke pot more than occasional and you think your lifestyle is fine or great, then that is fine, but if someone else does not want to be your girlfriend because of it - don't point a finger about how they are worse so must accept you. It is what it is. Just accept that they have their criteria. Maybe she is clean or is trying to and that is why she is on the warpath about it - particularly because pot is something that her child could breath in, or smell off your clothes.

Or if she is job seeking and bettering herself she can't go in smelling like second hand pot. Whatever. Doesn't matter. You either accept who you are and how she is and break it off so you can find someone who is a pot smoker or is cool with pot because that is what is more important to you, or you see if you can quit.

[Fudgie]

Depression medications are not the same as marijuana. Marijuana gets you high. Depression medications do not get you high or make you feel euphoric or anything like that. They make you even keel and able to deal with life. I have to take mine or else I go into a downward spiral. You don't *have* to smoke weed; it's a choice.

 

That being said, I agree 100% with abitbroken. You are free to choose your own lifestyle but your girlfriend is also free to dump you over it. I do think it's a little BS of her to be saying "quit weed or we're through", assuming that she knew the full extent of your usage from the get-go, but you know, it's still her choice. You can either quit or say "You know, I don't want to change, buh-bye". No right or wrong answer here. It's highly subjective.

[itsallgrand]

I'd make sure to have a payment plan in place so you are paid back the money she owes you for those debts.

She can do what she wants...even if it's throwing out ultimatums. I think if she was serious about the relationship, she wouldn't have framed it that way. She would have had a normal conversation with you about it and discussed it. Why this is important to her, why she is changing her mind now, what she actually wants and needs to see happen, what she is actually going to do herself since she is asking you to change something which she got into the relationship full well knowing you did (and she was fine with it while you were paying her debts).

 

She has enough money to pay you, since she buys smokes.

[Patrick974]

I was a light pot smokers for years. Mostly in my 20s. Motivation? Well If I start the day off with a coffee and a blunt I might as well go back to sleep. As Samuel L Jackson said in 'Jackie Brown': I smoke in the end of the day when all my business is sorted. I think that was the line.

 

I dislike her ultimatum. You have obviously smoked for years and she knew it. She still started a Relationship with You... Some people dont want a smoker, a drinker the red flags or deal breakers we often mention here.

 

The only good thing about weed is its not all That addictive. Granted, I was never smoking very heavily ie over 10 joints a day. At most about 3/4 which is already a lot and could send people who never smoked in hospital or easily but trigger a panic attack depending of the weed. Im still glad I could quit. It helped me sleeping for sure but likewise alcohol or cigarette its expensive and in the long run spending hundred bucks a year for this became a problem. There was no way Id grow my own or start dealing. That lead to serious consequences.

 

Smoking weed never prevented anyone from working, dating etc. But it can affect your wallet and does tend to make someone lazy. Medicinal majijuana is about helping sleep, mostly.

 

I could date a weed user... Just as long as she doesnt drive after and keep it to the end of the day. I dont think Id be tempted to smoke again. Cigarettes are bad enough and I still havent figured out how to quit nicotine even with an e-cigarette.

[ParisPaulette]

Okay, so I saw your clarification on other things with this woman including you paying her debts off, the cigarette smoking, your and her daughter etc. etc.

 

Sigh, please tell me she's in some sort of program to stay clean? I get that you want to stay for the sake of her daughter, and on that I applaud you for wanting to stay, I really do. But otherwise you need to draw some serious boundaries, because it sounds like she is just walking all over you.

 

Truth be told though this relationship is just chock full of incompatibilities and frankly, some weed smoking is the least of the problems you outline here. Got it on the forgetfulness too. for me weed did make me forgetful, so did migraine medication and I'm not exactly a mental genius when I've been drinking either, so who the heck am I to point fingers on that.

 

Any chance you two could get some couples counseling to work some things out? And please tell me she's doing some sort of program to stay clean or all her hard work is going to go out the window. She sounds like maybe she's not coping too well and that's a problem that does show up if a person was already having problems, turned to drugs to help, then gets clean of the drugs but does not make any other lifestyle changes to address the original problems.

 

If it were me I'd tell her that when she gets off the cigarettes and keeps off and gets into a program to start coping with life better then you'll...oh forget it. Ultimatums really are not my thing at all. They just kind of signal the end of anything good one way or another. I'm not sure what to tell you any more, except that in the end you need to sit back and decide what your own dealbreakers are and how far are you willing to let her call every single shot of what you do with your life. It was definitely crappy of her to start something with you knowing you smoked weed AND not telling you about her own addiction problems until you were in the relationship.

 

That's just not cool no matter what else is involved.

[Leo1987]

Hello guys

 

Thank you all again for replying my post

 

 

Well, I have been with her this week and surprisingly on tv they were talking about decriminalization of marijuana in Brazil and I SMILED, and then we started to debate about drugs, she said that she was clean, she quit, drugs cant control her and etc ( she is NOT doing any king of program to stay clean ), I said I can also control mine ( lie ). I said “ I totally agree with decriminilazation of weed “, she got angry with me because she thinks weed is as bad as any other types of drugs, such as cocain, alcohol and etc and for me her opinion is nonsense.

 

She wants to change my mind and I wont accept it, however I will see how it goes but I’m optimist about my R anymore

 

To make things even worse she was fired by the company she worked for…she didn’t say but I feel from weeks ago that she wants to live with me, not in my house but we would rent a house, I don’t know how it would be possible cuz I cannot afford a family and quit weed at the moment.

 

I felt in some coments that she is a bad mother and etc, can be because of sniffing drugs and etc but she is a good mother in the sense of care for her child, always treating the child with good affection, education and etc.

 

I care for here and for the child, I hope my feelings will overcome all the disappointments but what is meant to be, will be.

 

Thanks.