What happens in your relationship if your wife is friends with a guy who is...

[marriedinva]

What happens in your relationship if your wife is friends with a guy who is, in your opinion interested in your wife? What would you expect as a response to saying something to her?

She says that they are 'just friends' and despite my talking to her repeatedly about my misgivings she continues to peruse him as a friend.

Before we moved she had a few guy friends, but no one that ever concerned me. Even now she has many guy friends but only this one guy gets under my skin.

 

She seems so happy to talk to him and i feel that she is turning to me less and less for support. that she reached out to him when i think that she should be reaching out to me.

 

They call, text and snapchat each other more than she does the same with me (i will go on record that I have issues with snapchat, to me having to delete your messages or using an app that deletes them for you is suspect).

 

 

 

I know she has never cheated in the past but she is someone who likes her Independence, and has recently divorced friends that she hangs out with often.

 

 

 

 

 

I was watching this, and through my own personal experiences believe that it is true.

 

[DoF]

In my relationship, and most others, there is a rule/boundary "no SINGLE opposite sex friends". For MANY MANY REASONS. I can write a book about it. Regardless, is this a rule/boundary in Yours? You might want to make it one. Once you do, she is basically cheating!

 

Your wife is naive if she thinks a man would be friends with her without attraction. Most man will never do that, but there are exceptions to the rule (they are extremely rare).

 

The biggest reason is NATURE. Whenever you get 2 people to spend significant amount of time together, and there is ANY kind of (even the slightest) attraction, in time, nature will take it's course and feelings will develop and things will happen. Especially knowing that life/relationships are a roller coasters full of ups and downs, during those down times, he will be the one that she will go to/consult etc. NOT Healthy/good.

 

Have her watch this video you posted and below, your wife is extremely naive.

 

 

Also the act of doing so is extremely inappropriate and disrespectful towards your relationship.

 

Its BOTH of your responsibility to not engage into inappropriate behavior, relationships OR environment. It's a KEY to ANY healthy relationship.

 

Make it a rule, if she doesn't accept. It's up to you to determine if it's worth breaking your marriage over it or not. But to be honest, even if you accept this behavior, in time, it will break by default anyways so you might as well just do it.

 

Try not to come off in a negative way when you speak to her about it or like it's a demand or an ultimatum. The key is not to get her to OBEY YOUR RULES, the key is to get her to understand above and accept that it's inappropriate and disrespectful amongst MANY other things.

 

Good luck

[Seraphim]

My husband has many single female friends I don't think he is doing anything inappropriate. Shrug. He also has married female friends. He has single male friends ,married male friends.

 

It is no problem when people have friends it's just when the friends become more important than you.

[TMifune]

Your wife is naive if she thinks a man would be friends with her without attraction. Most man will never do that, but there are exceptions to the rule (they are extremely rare).

 

I don't think it's naiveté so much as rationalization. She's actively trying to lock this guy down as a backup in case things don't work out with OP. She may not be doing it consciously, but she's doing it, and in the long run if the balance tips just a little she'll end up having an affair or something.

 

Check this link out about having a "Plan B" person:

link removed

 

The biggest reason is NATURE. Whenever you get 2 people to spend significant amount of time together, and there is ANY kind of (even the slightest) attraction, in time, nature will take it's course and feelings will develop and things will happen.

 

I'm going to call this the Jurassic Park rule....."Nature finds a way".

[Unreasonable]

Would she have a problem with you doing the same with a another girl?

[relevart]

Well, that sucks. You could remind her that you have not had a problem with other male friends in the past, just this one guy and list your reasons. I expect she will still not see it and at some point, you will have to ask yourself if maybe she is already having an affair with him.

 

Good luck. I unfortunately starred in this same movie before and it worked out really bad for me.

[RainyCoast]

confiding in him whilst not confiding in the husband, sending and deleting dozens of messages- yeah, i'd have a problem with that. and yes, it sounds like a partner B in waiting whether she's purposefully doing it or not.

 

opposite sex friends are fine though, imo.

 

what else are the things you're noticing about this guy in particular that make you think he's not a guy friend like the others? (i mean other than volumes of confidential erased messages)

[Fudgie]

Check out this book: link removed

 

It's a good book.

 

BTW, I don't have a problem with opposite sex friends. I have them, my bf has them, my exes had them too. The problem isn't the friends, it's the boundaries and appropriateness. If she's taking away emotional intimacy from you and giving it to him, it's a problem!

[Seraphim]

Check out this book: link removed

 

It's a good book.

 

BTW, I don't have a problem with opposite sex friends. I have them, my bf has them, my exes had them too. The problem isn't the friends, it's the boundaries and appropriateness. If she's taking away emotional intimacy from you and giving it to him, it's a problem!

Yes, it's not having opposite sex friends it's what you do with those friends.

[Fudgie]

Yes, it's not having opposite sex friends it's what you do with those friends.

 

Absolutely.

 

I also think it's quite telling that OP hasn't had an issue with any of her other male friends before, just this guy. That's pretty telling. He's not the "jealous husband" who freaks every time another guy talks to his wife. He's picking up on these two crossing some boundaries, perhaps.

[j.man]

I think you should be allowed to have opposite sex friends, even if you're in a relationship. However, she should also be cognizant of potential feelings/intentions. My girlfriend has an ex she talks to on a semi-regular basis and has a male co-worker who she occasionally has a post-work happy hour drink with. These are both fine to me. However, I'm not sure how keen I'd be on her frequently texting, calling, or snapchatting a guy friend, particularly one who's single.

 

Although I'll admit that my opposition to her snapchatting a guy friend would be much less about the fact she's snapchatting him and much more about the fact she's a grown woman using snapchat.

[Fudgie]

 

Although I'll admit that my opposition to her snapchatting a guy friend would be much less about the fact she's snapchatting him and much more about the fact she's a grown woman using snapchat.

 

Yes. Snapchat is so sketchy and weird. I've only known 2 people around my age to use it and they were both really immature. Why did you need disappearing messages anyway? What are you, 15 and have to hide stuff from your parents?

 

That app would have been fun to talk to friends when I was in high school because I see the appeal of keeping things secret but it just seems really juvenile now that I'm older.

[TMifune]

From a computer perspective, snapchat is like the security of having a lock on your door. It keeps honest people honest, but anyone who really really wants to save the pictures they get can find a way.......even if it's as simple as using another camera to photograph their phone with your picture on it.

[DoF]

I think you should be allowed to have opposite sex friends, even if you're in a relationship. However, she should also be cognizant of potential feelings/intentions. My girlfriend has an ex she talks to on a semi-regular basis and has a male co-worker who she occasionally has a post-work happy hour drink with. These are both fine to me. However, I'm not sure how keen I'd be on her frequently texting, calling, or snapchatting a guy friend, particularly one who's single.

 

That's just bizarre, but if it works for you, that's all that matters.

 

I don't know, 20 years in a relationship and wife and I had dedicated more time to each other than most people.....and the thing is, it's NEVER enough and we ALWAYS want more. Even when we hang with friends or do other things, we just miss each other and crave each other more and more.

 

Maybe that's toxic and not healthy but we love it, we simply strive to spend as much time as possible with each other, not anyone else.

[Clinton]

It comes down to if you trust your significant other or not.

 

I just dont buy the whole men and women can't be friends argument. I'm friends with women. I also have enough respect and love for my significant other to keep it in my pants.

 

I mean what are we animals. Do we not have a brain. Is the only reason that were faithful is that we have rules about who we can spend time with.

 

I mean how weak must your relationship be that the thing that keeps it together is you can't have an opposite sex friend because you might cheat.

 

This sounds an awful lot like what happens in repressive countries where women are forced to cover up because men can't control their lustful urges.

 

I hate to break it to you, but if your partner is going to cheat, they'll find a way no matter who their friends are or aren't.

[DoF]

It comes down to if you trust your significant other or not.

 

NOTHING to do with trust. EVERYTHING to do with nature and being appropriate/respectful towards your relationship.

 

I just dont buy the whole men and women can't be friends argument. I'm friends with women. I also have enough respect and love for my significant other to keep it in my pants.

 

I mean what are we animals. Do we not have a brain. Is the only reason that were faithful is that we have rules about who we can spend time with.

 

Actually we are animals. Just like animals we have a brain. It's not the ONLY reason why we are faithful, but part of the reason why people have a healthy/LTR is because they make sure they don't engage and put themselves into inappropriate/dangerous/unhealthy environments.

 

Nature is a force MUCH more powerful than you "trust" or "strong will". I don't care how great of a person one might be.

 

I mean how weak must your relationship be that the thing that keeps it together is you can't have an opposite sex friend because you might cheat.

 

This is not the reason though. Nothing to do with "being weak". I consider myself very stong on that end, but I know for fact that no matter hot great/strong I might be, I will never be stronger than NATURE.

 

This sounds an awful lot like what happens in repressive countries where women are forced to cover up because men can't control their lustful urges.

 

I hate to break it to you, but if your partner is going to cheat, they'll find a way no matter who their friends are or aren't.

 

 

You are right.

 

BUT if your partner is NOT going to cheat, but decide to engage themselves with opposite sex on regular basis and put themselves in unhealthy environment, in time, nature will take it's course.

 

Think of "cheating" as a brick wall with no mortar that can be taken apart at ANY time. Piece by piece.

 

There is no 100% or "perfect" trust. Such thing doesn't exist. And if you think it does, you are simply lying to yourself.

 

There is NO perfection, when it comes to ANYTHING, including trust.

[lostandhurt]

"He is just a friend" is famous last words.

 

There are several red flags flying here and you are right to be concerned.

 

What is this guy getting out of this "friendship"

What time does all this communication happen?

How did they meet?

The new divorced friends is a big RED FLAG. Stories of their new freedom, the great single life, dating and having men chasing them....

Has she lost weight recently? Working out more?

Has she bought new clothes? Underwear?

 

It may be time to have lunch with this guy and make him your friend too. There are boundaries she is crossing and so is he. It may be time for a man to man talk.

 

Snap chat? seriously?

 

Keep your eyes wide open and trust your gut on this. This isn't good no matter how you slice it.

[relevart]

NOTHING to do with trust. EVERYTHING to do with nature and being appropriate/respectful towards your relationship.

With the OP, I do think it is about trust. Because there's really no way he should be trusting her at all right now.

[Clinton]

I just dont buy it. If you have a happy, healthy, relationship, you'll be fine.

 

If you are having problems, then no matter what you do, if they want to cheat they will. They'll find a way. You can't put them in a cage or track their movements all day every day.

 

Either trust or don't.I trust my fiance totally. She could go on vacation with George Clooney for all I care.

 

You either have a good relationship or you don't.

[DoF]

She could go on vacation with George Clooney for all I care.

 

And then you wonder why your wife cheated.....

 

I'm sorry but it's not as straight cut as you make it. Human chemistry and relationships are a complicated thing. It's not as simple as "I will never cheat so I can go and get into any disrespectful or inappropriate behavior I want".

 

Not at all

 

I'm pretty sure that every single cheater in this world said "I will never cheat". What got the TO cheat is getting into inappropriate behavior that leads to deeper connection and eventually cheating.

 

Think of it as their own disassembling of the brick wall I described above.

[Fudgie]

There's a middle ground somewhere.

 

It's possible to have opposite sex friends with good, appropriate boundaries that are respectful to your relationship.

On the other hand, you're not putting yourself into "dangerous" situations either: confiding in someone else about your relationship, going on date-like romantic scenarios, entertaining a crush, etc.

[DoF]

There's a middle ground somewhere.

 

It's possible to have opposite sex friends with good, appropriate boundaries that are respectful to your relationship.

On the other hand, you're not putting yourself into "dangerous" situations either: confiding in someone else about your relationship, going on date-like romantic scenarios, entertaining a crush, etc.

 

There is TONS of grey areas in what you defined.

 

For example

 

I think you should be allowed to have opposite sex friends, even if you're in a relationship. However, she should also be cognizant of potential feelings/intentions. My girlfriend has an ex she talks to on a semi-regular basis and has a male co-worker who she occasionally has a post-work happy hour drink with. These are both fine to me. However, I'm not sure how keen I'd be on her frequently texting, calling, or snapchatting a guy friend, particularly one who's single.

 

Although I'll admit that my opposition to her snapchatting a guy friend would be much less about the fact she's snapchatting him and much more about the fact she's a grown woman using snapchat.

 

 

To his girl, her co worker taking her out for a drink = sign that she wants him/has interest. While to HER, it's completely innocent/friend like act.

 

OR, getting into relations with her ex. What do you really think her ex is thinking? "THERE IS A CHANCE

 

Either one, allows the other party to continue relationship and further take apart the brick wall. Especially if issues arise in posters relationship, which always do.

 

As you can see, one side of the table can EASILY be completely inappropriate/disrespectful. And more often than not, it is.

 

It's NOT a friendship. Now keep something in mind, our definitions of "friend" might be different. Some use that word loosely, while me on the other hand, friend is a STRONG word that is reserved for VERY special people in my life. People that most would be lucky to find handful of times in their life.

 

If you are thinking "pretend" or "facebook" like friends, then yes, you can have those between male/female. That's not a friendship TO ME though.

[Fudgie]

Life is full of grey areas. Take it as it comes and reassess the situation and your feelings as you go.

 

If you seek to live your life in such black/white terms, that's fine for you but many people do not want that for themselves.

 

It doesn't mean that they are doomed to infidelity either.

 

Your definition of friendship is clearly not the same as others. If I remember correctly from what you've posted here, you don't really have friends and dislike people in your area so you are keen to stay at home with your wife and kids.

 

Again, works for you but don't preach to everyone like it's your way or the highway. I can tell you with absolute certainty that I would not be happy with such a lifestyle. I was with an ex who thought a lot like you and it wasn't for me. I felt isolated and smothered.

[DoF]

Life is full of grey areas. Take it as it comes and reassess the situation and your feelings as you go.

 

If you seek to live your life in such black/white terms, that's fine for you but many people do not want that for themselves.

 

It doesn't mean that they are doomed to infidelity either.

 

Anything is possible.

 

I simply haven't seen many male/female friendships work and I have seen MANY cripple relationships as well. Thus my advice.

 

There are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule. It's common sense. Take it how you want it.

 

Your definition of friendship is clearly not the same as others. If I remember correctly from what you've posted here, you don't really have friends and dislike people in your area so you are keen to stay at home with your wife and kids.

 

We have friends, REAL friends, but we just dont' have much time for them between family, work and life. We don't put much emphasis on friends, but that doesn't mean that others shouldn't.

 

If you enjoy people and friends, by all means do with it what you please. Whatever floats that boat. Female or male, doesn't matter.

 

I'm simply giving you my prespective, take it as such. I'm not a god or a ruler hehe

 

Again, works for you but don't preach to everyone like it's your way or the highway. I can tell you with absolute certainty that I would not be happy with such a lifestyle. I was with an ex who thought a lot like you and it wasn't for me. I felt isolated and smothered.

 

For people like your ex and me (and my wife) our love life IS our life. It's never enough, we always want more and our relationship is the utmost priority, rest is simply a sidekick/afterthought.

 

Nothing wrong with that either, I hope.....right?

 

 

[Fudgie]

Again, there are exceptions to the rule...so why do you preach for black/white and tell everyone that they shouldn't have opposite sex friends? It's bizarre. I have seen male/female friendships work and some that fail...that's life. Clearly they don't for you, for whatever reason, some men can't handle female friendships and vice versa, so maybe it's best that these particular people stay away from them and lead their lives in black/white.