Husband's prior porn use a problem for the future of our marriage?

[flowergirl128]

8 Weeks ago my 2-year-old son found a porn video on my husband phone while we were at a restaurant (waiter saw it and made a face). My husband and I both knew that he saw it and just let it go for 2 days as I was waiting for him to explain (I was scheduled for a C-Section the following weekend). After approaching him as usual he got so defensive about it and said its just porn not cheating. He said that during the last few weeks of pregnancy he turned to it because he was stressed and didn’t want to start premature labor.

 

* mad that I couldn't have sex for 1 month b/c Hubby didn't want to have sex with me/trigger labor.

 

Background on our sex life:

 

Husband: 1 girlfriend for about a year and because of sexual abuse that she encountered they only had sex 3 times. The rest of his life he has been single with 1 date for the last 20ish years. Used porn all those years to supplement his sexual needs but this was steady and the Porn never elevated - this was just photos of nude women and a man and women having sex. Total Partners 1

 

Me: 1 - 8 year relationship/engaged, 1 sex only relationship for a year (intense/older man), 4 one night stands, and 7 short term from 3 months to a year partners. Total partners 13

 

My use of porn has been limited as I’ve only used it a few times under periods of time such as 3-4 moths of not having a partner (viewing 1-2 times in that time span).

For my husband it’s been a steady constant for his adult years and 2 years while we were together and while we were engaged - I just found this out 2 weeks ago.

 

My 1 partner for 8 years and 1 partner for 1 year (older man) they stated that porn to them was below them and that I was their fetish and so they didn’t view it.

 

Right now we have stated to get it/porn out of the marriage and focus on each other and he is willing to dress better, start being more aggressive (he is shy)/I was the one for the last 6 years to innate sex every time, and to NOT be lazy of my needs in bed (he is now doing a great job at oral). Plus, a parental control will be going up on all mobile devices for the kids.

 

My root fear is that because his mom (divorced) and all his friends have accepted the use of porn in their relationships/marriages (which one person can't have sex with his wife) and he has used it weekly/monthyly for so long he could go back to it or he could start to resent me.

 

Any thoughts?

[Helpexpressme]

Yes I have a question.

 

Why can't your husband watch porn?

[mhowe]

I think your attitude is more a problem for the future of your marriage.

 

Right now we have stated to get it/porn out of the marriage Somehow I think YOU stated this and he rolled over.

[flowergirl128]

I didn't know he was using in the last two months of pregnancy/ when we were dating and engaged. I used it prior about 6+ years ago/being single and didn't use it in the marriage

[Clinton]

Porn is ok as long as it isn't impacting your sex life.

 

As far as your partners who stated it was beneath them and that you were their fetish, that's a great line.

 

And if you believed it I have some swampland in Florida I'd like to sell you.

 

And how in God's name do you know his mom uses porn in her relationship. That is really kind if creepy.

 

Bottom line, guys look at porn. If he's jacking it 24/7 and isn't having sex with you its an issue. If the amount of sex you have is ok but he needs some work on his game, focus on that.

[ThatwasThen]

I'd also like to know why you have such an issue with him occasionally viewing? How does his viewing affect you? I suspect that you will still have to initiate whether he's watching or not. Nor will watching make him less good at oral.

 

Why does it "fear you" that he will go back to it? Most men watch occasionally and even if they don't, most will masturbate to the porn vision they conjure up in their own heads.

[Unreasonable]

He's not going to stop looking at it, and yes, he will resent you if you guilt him about it.

 

And, unless you can directly attribute it to affecting your sex life, imvho what he does when he's alone is none of your business.

 

He already seems to be discrete, and not at an addicted level, since you didn't even know about until 2 weeks ago.

[RainyCoast]

it's your preference to not use porn when in a relationship. it's not everyone's.

 

highly pregnant, you were deemed as a risky sexual partner, organically. he didn't do anything to you. he just tended to his needs.

 

the one issue i see here is exposing a child to it. and i understand that has been tended to.

 

the other issue i see is your controlling attitude and the "rules" you seem to impose on your husband, that evolve around your preferences solely and disregard his. he needs to learn to be aggressive. he needed to get his oral skills to pro level. he needs to dress better. he needs to only fantasize about you and discard porn. you even sound like you want to control the way that he might be interpreting the sexual preferences of his friends and family (and yes, i too think it creepy that you'd want to know of those) as an opinion to balance out your opinion. almost like you're playing tug with the surroundings about who gets to shape his preferences and influence him.

 

frankly, i doubt i'd see a future with someone who wanted to change or control that much about me.

[DoF]

If there is no problem in the intimate department/sex life in your marriage........porn isn't the issue.

 

Let him watch whatever the hell he wants, as long as he proves LOVE to you with ACTION and doesn't effect your relationship.

[mrmet6986]

Kind of unrelated but

1) Why would you let a 2 year old use a phone?

2) Why would you let a 2 year old use a phone around food?

3) How is a 2 year old able to find that video even on accident?

[Unreasonable]

Okay, we don't need to blame the OP about the phone incident. That was unfortunate, but an accident.

[relevart]

Any thoughts?

Yes. Keep the phone away from the two year old.

I didn't know he was using in the last two months of pregnancy/ when we were dating and engaged. I used it prior about 6+ years ago/being single and didn't use it in the marriage

Did you ask?

[ThatwasThen]

Kind of unrelated but

1) Why would you let a 2 year old use a phone?

2) Why would you let a 2 year old use a phone around food?

3) How is a 2 year old able to find that video even on accident?

Obviously you do not have a two year old who is very into seeing his parents on that very device more often then they ought to be.

[relevart]

Okay, we don't need to blame the OP about the phone incident. That was unfortunate, but an accident.

Note to self: Read entire thread before commenting.

[Lester]

"Any thoughts?"

- Like the disease of alcoholism fifty years ago, understanding the effects/treatment of porn is still in it's infancy.

- Porn is very addictive and many times it's victims, (mostly men), need ever increasing exposure to feel any effect.

- Porn tears apart countless marriages each year.

- Porn undermines genuine love and attraction for each other with highly over-edited, unrealistic falsehoods of human sexuality.

- Most sex offenders blame (once captured that is), porn use as the reason for crimes.

[ThatwasThen]

"Any thoughts?"

- Like the disease of alcoholism fifty years ago, understanding the effects/treatment of porn is still in it's infancy.

- Porn is very addictive and many times it's victims, (mostly men), need ever increasing exposure to feel any effect.

- Porn tears apart countless marriages each year.

- Porn undermines genuine love and attraction for each other with highly over-edited, unrealistic falsehoods of human sexuality.

- Most sex offenders blame (once captured that is), porn use as the reason for crimes.

What is your point in regards to the Opening Post? None of that is going on in her marriage.

[relevart]

Wow, Lester just took this thread to an entirely absurd level. "Like the disease of alcoholism..." Just because someone drinks does not mean they are alcoholics. Just because someone looks at porn does not mean they are addicted.

 

I missed the part here where the husband claimed he was addicted, but I have the hunch a lot of men in relationships use this as an excuse when their SO catches them. Knowing the woman likely thinks porn is a sin, some may think it gives them an out not realizing that addiction can happen (just like alcoholism) but just because you "use" porn does not mean you are addicted.

 

Just my opinion. I'm no clinical psychiatrist and it's been years since I stayed at a Holiday Inn.

[flowergirl128]

ThatwasThen : My husband and I are in the wrong for that "using the phone" My husband plays YouTube video to keep our son chill while we are out eating - as he can be a hand full. He was clicking around and my husband is not tech savvy and forgot to delete history and clear out the "data". Just to have a dinner with hubby + kid NOT yelling is a blessing.

 

As to the other posts - my apology as I think this is "your" view on porn. Both my hubby and I have agreed that its not good for "us" and that to move forward with out it. My main point as I am not a man (a few male friends who have slept with a LOT of women viewed my issues as - hubby was just immature. Porn is not their thing as the more women they slept with the more porn didn't have an effect on them - as they like getting girls "real thing" in bed.

 

I just didn't know what someone who has viewed porn most of their life and has had their family and friends think its not a bad thing will do in the future - if any of you have experienced that in your relationships.

 

* in me finding out - hubby still feels that it was wrong to do so. Just wanted to know the pressures of family and friends....

[Dottieflanogon]

Does his watching porn interfere with your sex life? If he's been doing this longer than you've known him it seem unreasonable for you to expect him to just stop.

[ThatwasThen]

ThatwasThen : My husband and I are in the wrong for that "using the phone" My husband plays YouTube video to keep our son chill while we are out eating - as he can be a hand full. He was clicking around and my husband is not tech savvy and forgot to delete history and clear out the "data". Just to have a dinner with hubby + kid NOT yelling is a blessing.

I have a two year old grand son, flowergirl... I totally understand what you were doing and there is no judgement there from me. Wiggles is a mainstay around here.

 

As to the other posts - my apology as I think this is "your" view on porn. Both my hubby and I have agreed that its not good for "us" and that to move forward with out it. My main point as I am not a man (a few male friends who have slept with a LOT of women viewed my issues as - hubby was just immature. Porn is not their thing as the more women they slept with the more porn didn't have an effect on them - as they like getting girls "real thing" in bed.

I call BS. Even if a guy is getting it from his partner twice a day, every day there will be viewing and masturbating. Not as much as if he wasn't getting it twice a day but he'll more likely then not, still be doing it.

 

I just didn't know what someone who has viewed porn most of their life and has had their family and friends think its not a bad thing will do in the future - if any of you have experienced that in your relationships.

Been married for three decades plus and porn watching has never been an issue with me so it's never been a negative issue to our union.

 

If you AND your husband have come to a conclusion that porn has no place in your union then so be it but don't let yourself have a freak out/marriage break down if he should view again or have private time. It is no reflection on you or his love for you.

 

Even animals masturbate. Men just need a visual to help them with it. Again... no reflection on you, your body, his love for you or his desire to copulate with you.

[Lester]

I was just confused Flower..., and I guess I still am.

 

Your title asked, "Husband's prior porn use a problem for the future of our marriage?"

And you did say, "8 Weeks ago my 2-year-old son found a porn video on my husband phone while we were at a restaurant"

And you also said, "...with 1 date for the last 20ish years. Used porn all those years to supplement his sexual needs but this was steady and the Porn never elevated - this was just photos of nude women and a man and women having sex."

 

And you did ask for any thoughts.

 

Flower it's hard to post on an open forum like ena! I assume you made the effort for real reasons and concerns.

I can also assume these concerns are not about your will-power but instead that of your husband's and the safety of your children.

 

I don't want to upset or offend you, but how exactly do you know what he did for those twenty years?

Have you done a background check? (If interested, I can give you a free site tomorrow.)

[abitbroken]

Used porn all those years to supplement his sexual needs but this was steady and the Porn never elevated - this was just photos of nude women and a man and women having

 

He hasn't had sex with you for a month (because of health reasons - end of pregnancy). you know he used porn to supplement his needs. He also probably is a little stressed about the new baby coming (good stress - but the crazy is upping with anticipatory relatives, getting stuff ready, thinking about your health), and blowing off steam. I am not pro-porn, we both don't allow it in our relationships and hold values where we don't seek it - but you knew what he did before you married him. You know what his outlet was. I WOULD have an issue with the kid finding it - not password protecting it or creating a "safe" youtube account to use on the phone for the kid.

 

So - I think that when your sex life gets back to normal - if he is watching a lot less porn - then I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Heck, you watched porn, too. If he and you never watched porn and were against it - I would worry. But he is "as advertised" - you accepted him the way he is and as long as he is not excessive, he is not sneaking away and making excuses when he should be with you in order to watch porn, I would not beat him up so bad.

[relevart]

Both my hubby and I have agreed that its not good for "us" and that to move forward with out it...

Did he agree to it because, well, he agrees with you? Or did he agree to it because you twisted his arm until he gave in? Now hang on before you get upset. I don't know you and am not saying you bore undue pressure on him, but sometimes people will agree to things to get the other person, whom they love very much, to simmer down, especially when they feel embarrassed and maybe even a bit of shame. You don't want that kind of agreement because at some point, he probably goes back to it.

 

I understand that people change and evolve. It's like two people who go to bars once or twice a week and get married. They have a healthy relationship, but then one of them decides going to bars every a week isn't right. The rules have changed now. Likely, there will be issues because, at least at first, the other person doesn't see anything wrong with going to a bar to hang out with friends and have a few drinks.

 

So they agree to it because they know the spouse is not backing down. But then eventually, well, what would one time hurt? Just a drink or two. So they go back to the bar. He's not an alcoholic; he's just some guy that likes to drink. This would likely become a serious problem between the two of them and this porn thing between you two could as well.

 

Somehow my wife and I were able to take kids out to eat before we even got a cell phone at all. Crayons and paper work wonders.

[Unreasonable]

In spite of your "agreement," sex and masturbation are a means to two different ends. Do not compare your man to those "other guys." The statistics don't lie, but they probably were. Most men masturbate. Period. In relationship and out. I think he "yes deared" you because you were upset. He may go a couple weeks, but do not be surprised if he does it again. And I strongly suggest he become more "tech savvy" there is no excuse to have porn out for anybody grabbing his phone to see. Again, if this is was not affecting your sex life prior to this, let it go and don't try to regulate what he does by himself.

[Snny]

Obviously you do not have a two year old who is very into seeing his parents on that very device more often then they ought to be.

These kind of comments make me laugh. "If you don't have kids yourself you can't have an opinion." Yea sure. I'm no mechanic either, but if I see a car wrapped around a tree I can tell you there's something wrong with the engine. Sorry not sorry. You can't invalidate an opinion just because someone disagrees with you, regardless of if they have experience or not. That's what makes ENA wonderful - to share perspectives from many POVs!

 

Honestly a 2 year old has no business accessing a phone. They don't need it. It's been emphasized since the start of the Internet to monitor your kids' access to technology. There are other safer things to use to keep a child occupied, and most restaurants have crayons/coloring sheets to entertain kids. It's also rude to be watching videos with sound on inside a restaurant. Also agree with abitbroken on the reasons for hubby's porn usage (he's not going to have any "release" for a long time right before and after labor) and password protecting your phone with kids- I'd be embarrassed too if I were the OP.