Repeatedly put second in my marriage

[merteka]

I will try to keep this simple. After getting married, my husband has repeatedly placed me second and ditched me without asking how I feel.

 

- When we met, he lived on his family's farm. His dad had passed away, so he lived with his mom. After we got married, he repeatedly put his mother's (indulgent) needs before mine. It was a compromise for me to move in there (long story I won't bother telling). We lived in a 400 sq ft studio with no running water. He promised me running water. On a day he had committed to digging the water line, he changed his mind and instead agreed to help his mom cut tomatoes, something she's perfectly capable of doing. (Just one example).

 

- Shortly after we got married, his mom invited his previous love interest to stay with us. He never defended me.

 

- We sorted out all of this through couple's counselling and came to a wonderful place in our relationship. However....

 

- He got me nothing for my birthday. And then his gift was to sing me a song he'd sung to his former girlfriend.

 

- When his good friend was in the area, visiting, he invited him to stay with us for a few days. My husband and I had made plans to go out dancing. Then he sent me a casual Facebook message while I was at work saying he'd agreed to be his buddy's designated driver, which meant that if I wanted to go along too, I would have to cram into the back of his truck (one of those fold down seats) or drive by myself. What were our plans became their plans. He made dinner for his friend and sat down at our kitchen table, in the spot I usually sit in and paid no attention to the fact that there was no room for me to sit unless I asked them to get up and move the table out from the wall. So, I felt like a foolish idiot asking for a place at my own table to be included in dinner in my own house.

 

There are more examples, but I don't want to type longer.

 

The last straw for me was last night. Again, we were out dancing at a festival. It was 9:30pm and I said I would go home and sleep, then wake up for a set we both wanted to see at around midnight. He then decided to go come and sleep with me. As we were walking out, we ran into his first girlfriend. She asked if we wanted to go skinny dipping. I said I wasn't into it, but my husband usually is (meaning that, in general, he's into swimming in the cold). NOT that I wanted the two of them to go off skinny dipping without me. Suddenly, he said he got a second wind and wanted to stay. He said he was excited to see her and wanted to spend time with her. So, he ditched me.

 

I told him he doesn't consider me and makes a fool out of me on a regular basis, so this isn't a marriage and I don't want to be with him anymore.

 

I am too muddled and emotional right now to see clearly. Am I overreacting (personally, I don't think so). Or is he behaving inappropriately for a marriage?!?! It's pretty much over and I doubt he's going to want to reconcile after I yelled at him and kicked him out of the house. I'm pretty sure he ended up sleeping in her tent because he didn't come home to sleep and where else would he have slept??

 

I felt so heartbroken seeing the two of them walking together, ignoring me. He brought her into our house after I left the festival and invited her in. I was upset and he prioritized HER. I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of having a wonderful relationship UNTIL someone else is around and then he just does what he wants without checking in with me. I've never done that to him!

[ParisPaulette]

He's behaving totally inappropriately. Why you didn't just grab him by the ear, yell at them both, then tell him you are done and it's either he acts married or it's divorce time I have no idea. Because it's what I would have done.

 

This guy is disrespecting you and I can't hep wonder if you aren't the one paying the bills and that's why he keeps you around. The question is what are you going to do about it, complaining to others isn't going to change anything.

 

Trust me, if my husband ever said he was going off skinny-dipping with any other woman period, it'd be the last thing he'd say to me without an attorney present. Grow a spine and stop letting him and his family walk all over you. You teach others how to treat you and obviously you've taught him poorly. But again, you need to work out what you're going to do about it, not what you're going to say or feel, but what actions are you going to take to change things.

 

P.S. I don't think the counseling worked. And it won't if he just pays it all lip service then runs off doing his own thing regardless.

[RainyCoast]

plus one. i would've told him to stay in the nakey girl's tent. at least he won't have a waterline to worry about.

[melancholy123]

Absolutely you teach people how to treat you and he treats you like crap. Why are you still there? He acts like a 5 yr old and has no respect for you. Time to end this farce of a marriage.

[IAmFCA]

Wow.

 

"Goodbye."

 

I am so sorry the man you chose to marry treats you as an obligation and not as the pleasure you are.

 

Do not waste another day consigning yourself to a future with this man.

[merteka]

Thank you for your responses. Good to hear I'm not overreacting. The thing is, all he had to do was check in with me. How do you feel about me changing our plans? I feel so heartbroken. He's a wonderful husband and incredibly supportive in other ways. I've only said the bad things. But, these are enough to cause me to feel unimportant and dispensable.

 

Thanks for your feedback.

[ThatwasThen]

I'd kick him in his waterline... after I packed my bags and then I'd leave the selfish assclown.

[Snny]

He wants to swim naked with an ex-girlfriend than be with his hot wife? What the hell is wrong with this guy?

 

Please tell me you are starting the divorce papers first thing tomorrow. I would.

[arjumand]

Supportive? Never puts you first, doesn't stand up for you, and ignores your needs. Please, explain the supportive part.

[merteka]

I can't hep wonder if you aren't the one paying the bills and that's why he keeps you around.

 

You're right, I am the one paying the bills because he is waiting for his work permit through immigrations. I honestly don't think he's using me. He loves me and has been there for me many times, but also ditches me. It's both. I just don't think he actually wants what he says he wants (or isn't ready) because his actions don't match what he says about wanting a deeply committed relationship where we're both considerate towards each other.

[chitown9]

Well, I am sorry to say this, but.....I think he is using you . When someone truly loves you they do not treat you the way he has treated you. It is really just that simple. Put an end to this fiasco of a marriage and find someone who truly loves you. Now, there is a plan.

chi

[catfeeder]

Not sure why you married him in the first place, but glad to hear that you're correcting that mistake. I'd see a lawyer for advice on how to best get yourself out of this mess.