Is match.com this bad for anyone else (guys)???

[camus154]

yes, we get it. Nobody is special, women don't owe men anything. That doesn't make the people not responding any less rude.

 

Actually, it does. Because if you say someone is rude not to respond to you, then you are implicitly saying you are somehow entitled to that response (hence why it's rude that you don't get one). If, on the other hand, you realize that no one is under any obligation to reply, and you stop expecting them to, then you will no longer think them rude when they don't.

 

Take this out of the context of dating. Say you (male) are golfing. I am teeing up behind you and walk over, say "hey that was an impressive drive, you play here much?" You ignore me, turn around, and walk away. Am I the one who hasn't figured it out, or are you just an awkwardly antisocial/rude person not obligated to reply to anyone? Tell you what, next time someone you don't know greets you and asks how you are, why don't you tell them it's none of their business.

 

The problem with taking this out of context is that you lose the context that drives the whole thing! If a fellow golfer ignored your compliment, would you run to an advice forum to talk about how rude golfers are? My guess is, of course, no. You're also making a false analogy between a personal interaction in the flesh and an impersonal interaction online.

 

A more apt analogy is that you went to a golfer's Twitter page and complimented them there. Is the golfer a rude and antisocial person for not acknowledging your compliment? And do you think this might change based on the number of comments he gets on his account?

 

The attitude of certain men with online dating seems to be the same attitude of obsessed fans with their favorite bands/actors/celebrities. They're personally offended that the people they so admire can't even make time for them.

[Rosti87]

Camus,

 

You explain it well. If it is not clear after this one I don't know what else that can be said.

[bulletproof]

 

You can try and counter it all you want, but no matter how hard you try to convince me, my own personal experience will trump your arguments. Same goes for the OP.

 

I'm not trying to convince you of anything. I was pointing out the fallacy of saying that if online dating worked, they'd be out of business. That's illogical and doesn't make sense, and has no place being stated as a fact. Also, it's perfectly fine for anyone to live and make decisions based on his/her own personal experience. What's not really fine is to put forth that experience as fact for every other person.

[Racer82]

you make a valid point. But we have opposing views here. It's not entitlement, it's normal interaction. Someone says something to you in person, you usually reply. I feel the same way about online interaction, barring spam and other crap. Obviously this isn't the norm. That's my beef with the internet, you can act however you want, be as shtty, rude, condescending as you want, behind the safety of your own keyboard. This is why guys can go on tinder and msg girls with stuff like show me your nudes, lets fck tonight, come sit on my face, as their opening msg.

 

The problem with your analogy is that celebs want nothing to do with obsessed fans. Two users on a dating site are looking for the similar things. Understandably, if the girls profile is a couple of selfies and "I love netflix and pizza" and the guys message is "hi cutie, whats up" then you're right. This is an impersonal interaction online.

 

What about if the profile describes how she's having problems finding guys who are polite, caring, and put in effort in their messages. She describes her interests as volunteering at a childrens' hospital and riding horses. My message introduces myself, talks about how I work with the local stable giving horseback rides to autistic children, how I have volunteered at the same places she does but never run into her. Maybe we might have something in common to talk about, msg me back if you want to chat?

 

Is that still an impersonal message that gets deleted with no response? Or is the person who ignores the msg just being a shtty person, hiding behind "women don't owe guys anything" In the same vein, I don't owe anything to girls I hook up with and never speak to again. I know how pissed they get when I don't call or text afterwards. But they were just random strangers I met at the bar and usually I don't even remember their names. I don't really owe anything to the server when I eat out either, why shouldn't I be rude? I won't ever see them again.

[musicman777]

yes, we get it. Nobody is special, women don't owe men anything. That doesn't make the people not responding any less rude.

 

Hi again everyone,

OP here. I see this post is getting quite controversial!!! Yes, I think the quote above is dead on. OK, I think you some of you are hugely taking this entire situation out of context. First and foremost, I signed up on a dating site. Yes, I wanted to try it and it was my decision in the end. And no, I am not "entitled". No, there is no hidden agenda here. No, I don't expect online dating to work miracles. I am JUST a single guy that would like to experience the joy of having a girlfriend again because I can't seem to have any luck in person meeting anyone. I would love to try dating and see if I can find that special someone again. I would appreciate it if people would not rudely over-analyze my life just because I want to use a dating service. Plain and simple, END of story.

And my other comment I made about people not answering, the quote above is correct. I think it is just very rude how some of the women behave on these dating sites by not answering a sincere message. This "women don't owe men anything" stuff is ridiculous. No one is disagreeing with that, but you see, there is this thing called courtesy and openness towards other human beings. Treat others how you want to be treated, even on a dating site. Maybe it's nice to acknowledge someones time, energy, and patience even if you aren't interest in them if they wrote you a serious letter once in a while.

 

And I have to say, SO many women's profiles are SO generic on link removed, at least where I live! I'm more so posting this for humorous reasons, but I'm getting a bit tired of seeing all of the following lines in peoples bios (and I'm not kidding, at least 9/10 profiles have this and I don't even feel like messaging them if they have any of this crap written, some of this is copy and pasted verbatim):

1) "I enjoy the outdoors, but I also like staying in". You don't say? Of course you have to go indoors eventually unless you are an eskimo or something.

2) "Making me laugh is a big plus!" - Ugh, does this really have to be posted in EVERY profile? You don't say, you like a sense of humor in men? You can laugh at yourself at how silly and generic your profile sounds.

3) "If you can make me laugh you won me over" - Okay, kind of related to number two. But I've tried the jokes route and they still don't answer. You shouldn't post this if you are not serious!

4) "I like a guy that can challenge me intellectually / I want someone I can have a good debate with" - Oh, so you didn't go to school for that? And is this a political race? I think I'll run in the singlebro party.

5) "I look at the glass half full" - Whhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaatttttttt????????? I see this so much and I don't understand what it means, lol. Makes as much sense as "I look at the cake half baked".

6) "I am a down to Earth person / I am looking for a down to Earth person" - Well where else would you be, on Mars? And how come no one ever says that? I am a down to Mars person. It sounds cooler. Now, get you *** to Mars (no total recall fans here? If not, you can stick it up your nose, shove it in real hard...)

7) "I want a guy with a good head on his shoulders" - Well I hope it's a good head and it doesn't fall off or anything when walking around, that would be embarrassing.

8 ) "I work hard and have a career and a busy schedule" - Well you must be very proud of yourself.

 

^ And back to seriousness, this is people like me fail on dating sites, and to be honest if this is the most original stuff you can come up with for a paid online profile to sell yourself to men, then I don't want anything to do with you.

[Rosti87]

Most people are middle of the road. I'm quite sure there are plenty of middle of the road male profiles as well.

 

Back to the response topic... Think about it. When you see a job opening online and upload your resume and take great care in writing your cover letter and you don't get a response is the recruiter being rude?

 

That's how I see online dating. Your profile is the resume and your message is the cover letter. If the recipient does not like the CV or the cover letter why would they respond?

[faraday]

I guess it depends on a few things.

 

When I was OLD, depending on the site, I would get anywhere from 7-25 emails a day.

 

Are you saying I should have responded to every single email?

 

Also, there were a few times where I actually did write a "thanks but no thanks" email...and while many men accepted thAt gracefully...I had a few guys freak out on me- callings a b - and a snob. I had a few guys try to convince me to give them a chance. Should I have kept engaging with those men because they took the time to email me?

 

To be honest, I had a hard enough time keeping track of emails from the guys I was interested in meeting, let alone respond to every single person that emailed me...especially when I wasn't interested.

[Rosti87]

I guess it depends on a few things.

 

When I was OLD, depending on the site, I would get anywhere from 7-25 emails a day.

 

Are you saying I should have responded to every single email?

 

Also, there were a few times where I actually did write a "thanks but no thanks" email...and while many men accepted thAt gracefully...I had a few guys freak out on me- callings a b - and a snob. I had a few guys try to convince me to give them a chance. Should I have kept engaging with those men because they took the time to email me?

 

To be honest, I had a hard enough time keeping track of emails from the guys I was interested in meeting, let alone respond to every single person that emailed me...especially when I wasn't interested.

That seems very similar to what a recruiter goes through. If a person is receiving such a large barrage like that it would not seem good time management to sit there for hours each week sending out rejection messages.

[faraday]

That seems very similar to what a recruiter goes through. If a person is receiving such a large barrage like that it would not seem good time management to sit there for hours each week sending out rejection messages.

 

Initially, I'm sure people do start out replying...but after a while recruiters learn to focus on the applicants that show promise...they learn that many of the applicants think they have all the requirements, but don't.

 

In the beginning I write out responses too...but if you don't log in for a day or two...I had a hard enough time reading through everything.

 

And I get that there are a lot of great guys messaging me- and if instead of 20 messages a day (and most of them being from people that didn't read my profile so they ignored age ranges, children/no children compatibility/ smoking/ drinking/drug use/relationship goals/etc) I received three emails daily from decent candidates, I would have happily written everyone back. But just like a recruiter can't control who applies, neither can a woman control who sends a message...and it gets overwhelming.

 

The system isn't great. It is what it is. We accept them and work within them.

[Ms Darcy]

I sent out plenty of messages in online dating as well. I MUCH preferred silence to a "thanks but no thanks" email. Those emails tended to be really rude and condescending. Getting 100s of rejection emails would have been awful actually.

 

I don't think you guys really understand what you are asking for.

[Rosti87]

I sent out plenty of messages in online dating as well. I MUCH preferred silence to a "thanks but no thanks" email. Those emails tended to be really rude and condescending. Getting 100s of rejection emails would have been awful actually.

 

I don't think you guys really understand what you are asking for.

 

I agree. It's like an actor that keeps going to auditions and getting rejected over and over. That could not be good for the confidence over time.

[PH Suite]

I guess it depends on a few things.

 

When I was OLD, depending on the site, I would get anywhere from 7-25 emails a day.

 

Are you saying I should have responded to every single email?

 

Also, there were a few times where I actually did write a "thanks but no thanks" email...and while many men accepted thAt gracefully...I had a few guys freak out on me- callings a b - and a snob. I had a few guys try to convince me to give them a chance. Should I have kept engaging with those men because they took the time to email me?

 

To be honest, I had a hard enough time keeping track of emails from the guys I was interested in meeting, let alone respond to every single person that emailed me...especially when I wasn't interested.

 

Bingo! And as a male I can attest that women do the same thing. Dragging it out with "let's meet anyway, give it a chance, etc."

 

As for generic profiles, well most people are totally generic and have little idea who they really are or what they really want. Who cares? Skip over them. That's why I don't just rely on the very low odds of randomly meeting someone attractive and single in "real life" and asking them out. The chances we'll be compatible is very low. I do not have generic interests, lifestyle, tastes, friends, political views, schedule, employment, aspirations, fitness level or intellect. For some women, generic women, that's a problem. I can't waste time and money finding out that yet again the average random person I might chat up isn't actually a good "match". I already know that to be true. Plus I' keep too busy, mostly in activities in which many women do not participate or where it'd be very rude/awkward to hit on them, and I'm not going to waste time in a class in hopes of meeting someone attractive, single and in line with what I want. The idea that OLD is only for those who don't get out, or are afraid to chat up women, is simply not true. The women I've met via OLD are very busy and outgoing too.

 

In an online profile I can be up-front about the kind of person I am, how I live and what I value and look for. It surely repels or intimidates some. Good! It's highly attractive and stands out refreshingly to the birds of a similar feather. I've met several truly amazing, highly accomplished and stunning, unique women that way. I had to send very few emails to do so. I'm sure they would NOT have replied if my profile read "I love to laugh, cheer for the local major professional sports team and watch Netflix marathons."

[Patrick974]

I first tried OD a decade ago. More than that actually. Aside from the RS that evolved from it, or irl encounters and the years I quit the online dating community... Leaves about 4 years there and about 40 dates. 4/5 ended on relationships, some hook-ups and thats about it. I am sorry about people offended by women not answering but a very attractive women can get up to 50 mails everyday and has to scan though a lot of idiocy, scammers and trolls. Faraday explained it well.

 

As a man... On good days I have 3/4 mails depending on the site everyday. Not counting women overseas etc. If on a good day I receive 5 mails, most of the time it will be someone just too far, too young, too old etc. I dont think its rude to not respond even moreso for a very in-demand supermodel woman.

[ManyDates]

You can make a profile for free on Match, as many women do, but they can't read your messages unless they pay - that explains the non-read messages.

 

That said, Ive met over 50 girls from online dating, the majority from Match.

[happy_snapper]

I think there are certain men that it will never work for.

 

I didn't use match myself, but I did take a look. It was all the same people as on POF anyway. If they didn't think I was worth acknowledging on POF, they probably wouldn't be any different on match. OKC was even more pointless than POF

 

Online, I wasn't even worth the effort to read my profile.

Offline, I was meeting quite a few women through meetups. I even had a couple of dates. If I'd got a handle on my social anxiety earlier, I probably wouldn't have even bothered with OLD.

[John John]

In my humble opinion...the best advice I can personally offer to men to "even out" their odds with OLD and be in the position to pick from the emails you get...

 

Work on every single aspect of your life and make your profile impeccable, and tweak it fairly often to keep it fresh. We all have flaws and "negatives" about us. Some of us aren't 6'2", some people don't make $150K+ a year, some don't have sixpack abs, some have never left the US, some aren't particularly photogenic. Get professional photos so you can pick one really good one as your default. Use pictures where you look like you're having a good time and are varied (clean shaven vs. scruffy, long hair vs. short, etc.). Make your profile grammatically clean, convey a good "preview" of yourself (i.e. "sell" yourself without overdoing it), joke around a bit.

 

Online should only really be used as a supplement to meeting people in real life. If you aren't getting dates in real life, online will not be that much better. Work on yourself. If you're not getting dates with the women you want, improve yourself (career, appearance, hobbies, and of course...wait for it...confidence). The right women will eventually show up...or wink at/send you an email.

 

Also...once you're in the position (as a guy) to do the rejecting, be ruthless. Don't go on dates with whoever emails you, even if they're attractive. Let these women know that "hi/how are you?/hello" emails will not fly. Screen appropriately, and your first dates will be that much better. And you won't need to get on eight dates a week and burn yourself (and your wallet) out.

[PH Suite]

In my city those on POF and OKC and not at all the same as those on Match and there are virtually no cross-overs with eHarmony.

[Rosti87]

In my city those on POF and OKC and not at all the same as those on Match and there are virtually no cross-overs with eHarmony.

 

Not surprised by that. I really think these online sites mileage vary depending where you live.

[lostandhurt]

And the debate rages on!!!

 

I am surprised how passionate some people put down online dating. I agree it isn't ideal but it is one more tool in the toolbox.

 

OP,

Go to OKC, POF and do some searches and see how many women you might be interested in are in your search area. If there are a lot then make a profile. Free sites are another option that cost you nothing but a little time and since you have pics and a profile elsewhere most of the work is done. Cast a wide net as it were.

 

On last piece of advice. Some sites let you put a title to your message and if they do, it better be a good one and if not your first words should be chosen carefully. It has to grab their attention away from hundreds of messages. Messages should be about a paragraph-ish long. Not to short, not to long and ALWAYS end your message with a question for them. A woman on the fence about you will feel compelled to answer your intriguing question to her.

 

You have already paid the money so why not lighten up a little on what is not working and focus on what you can do to have more success. You are after all getting some great advice from guys that do reasonably well online.

 

Good luck

Lost

[musicman777]

Hi everyone,

Well I wanted to post an update, I have decided I am done with the online dating already. My profiles are still up on both Match and POF, but I am no longer actively using the sites or messaging people on them. There are a couple huge reasons why I am giving this up. But one of the big ones is this...

 

Maybe I will sound like I have an ego here and maybe not. But I'm sorry, these women should be privileged to get even the slightest bit of attention from me. To put it in short words, I consider myself a great guy in more ways than one. And not to sound like an egotistical jerk, but I don't think there are many guys out there better than me. I've lived a very fulfilling life even only being 25. Not many other people have or ever will accomplish or do the things I have done in life.

 

I feel like the situation here should be the opposite. They should be kissing my butt for a response, NOT the other way around. I think it was Ms Darcy talking about "entitlement" here. This isn't entitlement. This is me having some confidence and self worth. I think I am worth far more than a stupid shrug off on a dumb dating site inbox.

 

I would rather be alone than try to kiss a bunch of women's butts for attention, both online or in reality. Let someone else do that.

[camus154]

But I'm sorry, these women should be privileged to get even the slightest bit of attention from me. To put it in short words, I consider myself a great guy in more ways than one. And not to sound like an egotistical jerk, but I don't think there are many guys out there better than me. I've lived a very fulfilling life even only being 25. Not many other people have or ever will accomplish or do the things I have done in life.

 

I feel like the situation here should be the opposite. They should be kissing my butt for a response, NOT the other way around. I think it was Ms Darcy talking about "entitlement" here. This isn't entitlement. This is me having some confidence and self worth. I think I am worth far more than a stupid shrug off on a dumb dating site inbox.

 

You still don't get it. The problem isn't that anyone thinks you aren't worth a response. The problem is that you interpret no responses as an insult to your worth. That's not confidence, it's a bruised ego.

 

I think there's a lesson for you to learn here. You're a programmer, so you might appreciate this:

 

The people who are best at programming are the people who realize how small their brains are. They are humble. The people who are the worst at programming are the people who refuse to accept the fact that their brains aren't equal to the task. Their egos keep them from being great programmers. The more you learn to compensate for your small brain, the better a programmer you'll be. The more humble you are, the faster you'll improve.

 

link removed

[happy_snapper]

So why do you think that the women you've contacted should respond to your demands for attention?

What makes you different from all the other great guys who message them?

[missswans]

Hi! Musicman, I think you get what you believe! Be positive!! I tried match and had great dates but just didn't feel chemistry with anyone which was important to me. I think you should have someone look over your profile, perhaps a female. I think you haven't given it long enough on the site. I found that with match, communication moves more slowly. I think it's because the people on there are more serious about relationships and only focus on one person at a time, for the most part.

[John John]

OP you've only been in the game a short while. These things take time.

 

I have been doing online dating on and off since 2007. It got me a 5 year relationship, and many dates with many attractive women...some were just hookups, some a bit more...but I've definitely had my dry spells.

 

Actually, I have (arguably) the biggest possible flaw when it comes to OLD, which is...uh oh...I'm 5'8"! LOL you are taller than me and I think you said somewhere you're athletic/have an athletic build. If you just try to be patient and invest the time, you will eventually see results. I re-signed up for Match about a month ago...got many emails/winks from girls I"m not interested in. And then yesterday, I got a surge of 3 emails (really nice, thought out emails) from three very attractive (to me) women. When it rains, it pours, and when there's a drought, you just gotta roll with the punches.

 

I know many guys who have done online dating. They all have had flaws...some weren't that fit, some don't make a lot of money, two guys that are 5'5" got married from Match...it just takes time. People are very selective, especially if you're in a major city, because time is precious. You can do the same. Just because a woman doesn't respond doesn't take away from your worth, bro.

[lilypadgirl]

I met my fiance on link removed and generally had good experiences with OKC and match. I didn't message anyone back that I wasn't also interested in. Except once because the guy seemed persistent and nice and asked for a thanks but no thanks response. Well guess what, once I did, he started ranting on what a b*tch I was. Never made that mistake again. Most times, women don't respond not out of rudeness, but out of self-protection, especially important for online dating.

 

OP, from your various posts, especially your last two - perhaps it's out of frustration and venting - I get the sense that your issue with online dating isn't just with the online and response part. You seem to think you deserve a girlfriend. My fiance isn't the most accomplished person or the best looking or the best , he's just genuine and caring. But from your posts, you're making this all about you. All I hear is you you you. How rude the women are for not responding to YOU. How good a catch YOU'd make. How YOU've always did the right/appropriate things but the women don't respond. Women can pick up on egocentrism, even over the internet.

 

Let me tell you this, in the examples you gave of your responses, if you had messaged me, I wouldn't have responded either. You're trying too hard to be clever and funny. Sure, you may be picking up on something they said in their profile, but have you ever asked them questions that they could follow up on? Also instead of being clever, share something that is uniquely you. Anyone can be clever and funny, but it tells me nothing about the guy or that the guy wants to know what I think. Those are important screening qualities, especially for girls that are looking for serious relationships.