siegfri333 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 The main problems are social medias and cell phones, which make commitment to one person very hard. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 The main problems are social medias and cell phones, which make commitment to one person very hard. Neither makes commitment hard. One simply turns them off. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I truly don't believe the majority of people set out to be destructive and/or cruel towards another person, with that intent. And this is coming from a pessimist. Selfish, sure. There is nothing loving or even admirable about staying with a person just because they've been a good partner, even though they've long since 'checked out'. How awful would it feel, if you knew that someone was staying with you out of an 'obligation'? Rather than truly loving you and your companionship? That's tremendously unfair to both people. Link to comment
faraday Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Call me old fashioned but I believe that commitment means you stick with someone forever unless they do something to deserve you breaking that bond. So why does almost everyone now believe that it's acceptable to break up with a partner who has only ever offered love and support ? Hurting someone in that way is to my mind far worse than physical violence and does more damage.I think when you take vows and promise forever in front of your friends and family (marriage) that both parties should do everything in their power after that to make things work (within reason. If there is abuse or infidelity, I think divorce is acceptable). I think up until that point of "I do"...anything can happen. It can end at anytime for any reason. In fact, every relationship of mine (except my current one) has ended before marriage...and I'm glad...hindsight says the wouldn't be great husbands. Link to comment
TMifune Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I truly don't believe the majority of people set out to be destructive and/or cruel towards another person, with that intent. And this is coming from a pessimist. Selfish, sure. There is nothing loving or even admirable about staying with a person just because they've been a good partner, even though they've long since 'checked out'. How awful would it feel, if you knew that someone was staying with you out of an 'obligation'? Rather than truly loving you and your companionship? That's tremendously unfair to both people. "Checking out" is a choice. It's a choice to direct your energy away from your partner into other things or other people. If someone stays out of obligation and fails to redirect their energy into their partner, then yeah, that's a lousy thing. If obligation makes you reassess the situation and realize that you've been neglectful and it's time to start putting more energy into your partner, than that's a beautiful thing, and on the other side of it should be a deeper and more fulfilling relationship. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I don't understand. Do you think it is immoral to break up with someone if they still care about you, OP? Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I think OP thinks it is immoral for someone whom HE still cares about to break up with HIM. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I think OP thinks it is immoral for someone whom HE still cares about to break up with HIM. Ah. Anger. Hurt. She must be a jerk if she dumped me, because it hurts too much right now to think otherwise! I hope you will tell us what happened, OP. Link to comment
Michael777 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 I think it is immoral to break up with someone to whom you have made a commitment unless they also want the break up or they have done something so appalling as to deserve the break up. That's what the word commitment means to me - a promise you will fulfil. Link to comment
Michael777 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 And no this is not specifically about me but about the pain and suffering I see in others as a result of break ups. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I think it is immoral to break up with someone to whom you have made a commitment unless they also want the break up or they have done something so appalling as to deserve the break up. That's what the word commitment means to me - a promise you will fulfil. What do you do if the other person does not want to work it out but wants you to stay, but you aren't happy? Link to comment
TMifune Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I think it is immoral to break up with someone to whom you have made a commitment unless they also want the break up or they have done something so appalling as to deserve the break up. That's what the word commitment means to me - a promise you will fulfil. So what happened? I'm guessing she left you for another guy with little warning and little explanation other than this is what she wants now? Link to comment
Hermes Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 One can see a relationship ending for a variety of reasons, but surely not if one partner is lovely, loving and supportive. However, if one partner wants to try out the perceived greener grass accross the hill, that is another matter. Usually finding out later that the greener grass is sour, but then too late...... Certainly, no relationship can prosper if there is abuse and violence, disrespect and demeaning. Usually, the "leaver" is the one who perpetrated those actions....and in fact the left person is mighty lucky the "leaver" has upped and gone. However, I don't think that is the thrust of these posts. A marriage or commitment requires work. As an older couple I know who have been married about 48 years said to me when I asked about their time together, they replied: "the spade work starts once the honeymoon is over". Yes, Faraday: I agree fully with you. Much much better not to get into a marriage or commitment and then find that the other does not suit. But you can't tell people that, I mean, "rooommmaaance" infatuation, limerance, so much more fun. Link to comment
Michael777 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 What do you do if the other person does not want to work it out but wants you to stay, but you aren't happy? I would stay to honour the commitment unless their behaviour justified otherwise. And no this is not about me or my own experiences Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I don't think this happens now any more than it ever did. It just seems like it to you plus the media constantly bombards us with messages about how "cool" and "inevitable" affairs are, which is basically a crock of SH-aving cream. One thing I think that does happen is we're all pushed so bloody hard with "you have to be in a relationship now, now, now" that people no longer take their time to get to know someone before rushing in. It makes people ignore red flags and put up with things and people they wouldn't if they understood finding someone that is truly compatible with you, who will grow with you, takes time. There is no such thing as insta-relationships. And that's because we have that message jammed down our throats 24/7 that without being a in a relationship, no matter how ***tty or elfed up it may be, we are nothing. And it simply isn't true. Take your time. Date, get to know people, put a life together that you enjoy for yourself and then share that with someone after they've proven they can be trusted and deserve to be let in. And yes, it takes time to do that just like it takes time to do anything right. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I think it is immoral to break up with someone to whom you have made a commitment unless they also want the break up or they have done something so appalling as to deserve the break up. That's what the word commitment means to me - a promise you will fulfil. Wait ---- so, absent abuse/violence/etc ---- you can only break up with someone if they agree? Well, that's a fairly unlikely scenario. Link to comment
Hermes Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 It's OK Michael. Problem is that a lot of people, nowadays, think that being mature, committed, responsible is "boring". Forums like this one (and there are many) would not exist if people behaved with humanity towards others. Link to comment
Michael777 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 I'm sorry it's just that my heart bleeds to see the good innocent people who suffer when their partners desert them and even worse what makes me angry is the lack of remorse and guilt . Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Ok, great, people should stay together even when the relationship is deader than a door knocker because the other person does not agree and it doesn't matter a tinkle about our feelings AT ALL. We can be endlessly unhappy until the end of natural life because they are a " good guy" and don't want to break up. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I would stay to honour the commitment unless their behaviour justified otherwise. And no this is not about me or my own experiences I see. I suppose that is where it becomes very very important to know and understand what each person in a relationship believes commitment means. I would actually see it as a form of withdrawing from the commitment on the part of the one person who chose not to try and work things out if the other said they were not happy and wanted to try to find a way so both could be happy. I think that's sticking a person between a rock and hard place to expect them to stick around even when you are 'absent' in that way emotionally. But what you said made me think of my grandparents. Leaving each other, barring abuse or something of the sort, wasn't even an option to them. I can see the upsides and the downsides of that kind of commitment. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Michael ---- you cannot live your life to make other people happy at the expense of your own self worth and happiness. It is wonderful when a relationship supports both people, but when it does not/cannot ---- it should not be sustained merely for the sake of not making one party feel alone. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Under that system the person you dated at 14 you should still be with because you shouldn't hurt them by leaving. Link to comment
Helpexpressme Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 People break up all the time. It's a fact of life. Link to comment
Michael777 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Under that system the person you dated at 14 you should still be with because you shouldn't hurt them by leaving. No because I am only talking about committed relationships whether married or otherwise. And just because you no longer feel as attracted to your partner as previously that doesn't mean that you can't work to build the love. Attraction is not a constant . After all how did people in the last few centuries stay together in committed lifelong relationships ? Of course they were not always in love but they worked on it. And nine times out of ten the person who betrays their partner and leaves the relationship ends up much worse off and regrets their decision later ! Link to comment
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