Is Morality Dead ?

[Michael777]

Call me old fashioned but I believe that commitment means you stick with someone forever unless they do something to deserve you breaking that bond.

So why does almost everyone now believe that it's acceptable to break up with a partner who has only ever offered love and support ?

Hurting someone in that way is to my mind far worse than physical violence and does more damage.

[mhowe]

Then it would be best to share your definition of commitment, as opposed to "marriage vows" with a prospective partner.

 

Because while I believe in commitment, and working things out, I also believe that no one deserves my forever if they are not acting with respect and honor in our relationship.

[Hermes]

Michael, I don't think everyone believes that. A certain type of person mistreats, demeans and discards the loving and supportive "other". Probably the loving and supportive person should not have got into the relationship in the first place with the type who hurts in that way.

 

And yes, I also believe that emotional hurt/bashing does more damage than the physical kind.

 

What sadly happens is the the loving and supportive partner all too often stays in the relationship/marriage in the hope the "other" will improve his/her ways and become equally loving.

 

I never cease recommending, and have done for years, this book:

 

"Stalking the Soul" by Dr. Marie-France Hirigoyen

[Clinton]

Breaking up with a partner has nothing to do with morality as long as you haven't done anything morally reprehensible like cheating.

 

Not every relationship is meant to last forever. I'd actually say very few are. You have to date a lot of people usually before you find a match.

 

And even with the best of intentions people do fall out of love. It's not a moral short coming, it's human nature.

[j.man]

My Needy Sense is tingling.

 

Showering -- or drowning -- someone with love and support does not entitle you to their love and company. It's not oven old fashioned to believe that it does. It's just clingy. You'd really be OK knowing that your partner doesn't love you and isn't happy with you but is sucking it up and staying with you simply because you're showing them affection? Please say your answer is "no."

[Michael777]

My point is that if someone does something to justify the other person breaking up with them then the "dumper" should feel no guilt.

Otherwise it's not only morally wrong but frankly disgusting and inhumane to inflict such a degree of pain on the other person by leaving them.

[mhowe]

Breaking up with someone --- due to loss of attraction, growing apart or any number of other reasons outside of abuse/neglect is not inhumane nor disgusting. It is simply growing apart, and human nature.

 

If that were not the case, everyone on the planet would still be with their highschool sweetheart.

 

Your perception of pain being inflicted upon you by the departure of your significant other speaks to an over investment in a relationship where your partner was not on the same page.

[Hermes]

Michael. Sadly there is a lot of it around. And a lot of shallow people too.

 

Equally sadly, many get into an enmeshment with abusive partners who present as likeable, normal and seemingly loving at the outset. These individuals will have no qualms about inflicting pain.

[Seraphim]

But ,how can someone stay in a relationship that's not working even if the person has done nothing drastically wrong? So it is more moral to stick with that person and drown out your own needs till infinity passes away? Your own feelings don't matter one bit and as long as you're not hurting the other person?

[j.man]

So you would want your partner to stay with you and be miserable simply because you haven't hit her or cheated on her yet?

 

That's ridiculous. Like... saying "Jeff Dunham is funny" ridiculous.

[Hermes]

We'd have to define "not working". Everyone has faults and failings, but that is not what we are talking about here IMO.

 

Being loving and supportive, btw, does NOT mean being "clingy". Quite the contrary.

 

Sure, people may grow apart, it happens, and that is why the two involved need to discuss the matter and decide mutually what to do. The inhumanity and yes, cruelty, of the devalue, demean and discard brigade is another matter entirely. Such individuals never cared for the "other" in the first instance anyhow

[Michael777]

Yes it is sad.

That's why I want to see more morality, more sense of right and wrong and more guilt where guilt is due.

Guilt can be redeemed by right living and by sincere apology.

[Hermes]

I am not too fond of that word "morality", but certainly people ought to act in an ethical fashion. Destroying, or trying to destroy, another person's life is a most shocking act IMO.

[mhowe]

Yes it is sad.

That's why I want to see more morality, more sense of right and wrong and more guilt where guilt is due.

Guilt can be redeemed by right living and by sincere apology.

 

Always good to have a shot at redemption.

[Seraphim]

The only people we control are ourselves. The more you wish to control others the more unhappy you become.

[Hermes]

Precisely, Victoria. Which makes the individual who inflicts cruelty a very unhappy person indeed.

[mhowe]

Precisely, Victoria. Which makes the individual who inflicts cruelty a very unhappy person indeed.

 

Inflict cruelty, yes.

 

Break up with someone ---- doesn't make them cruel.

End a relationship ---- doesn't make them cruel.

[BigKK]

I am taking a complete stab in the dark but I will guess you were dumped? If so, it sounds like you're blaming the persons morality and not looking at yourself at all. Sounds like a great recipe for never improving yourself.

[Seraphim]

Inflict cruelty, yes.

 

Break up with someone ---- doesn't make them cruel.

End a relationship ---- doesn't make them cruel.

 

Exactly breaking up with someone I don't think is inherently cruel. What is cruel is hanging onto a relationship that you no longer give two hoots about and you are just stringing the person along to believe that you care. THAT is cruel.

[Hermes]

It depends on how it is done, MHowe. Believe me.

 

In the cast majority of cases, there is selfishness, self-absorption, plain cruelty and need to destroy involved.

 

Not in ALL cases I agree.

[lilypadgirl]

First, let me say that I believe love is both a feeling and an action that is backed up by effort and commitment. Meaning, I do agree with the OP in the sense that people treat relationships too lightly sometimes.

 

However, people can grow apart and change and fall out of love despite the best of efforts. In those situations, actually, I'd feel more guilt staying in a relationship knowing that I don't love the person anymore and letting that person waste all his love and devotion on me than breaking up and allowing both of us to find happiness apart. In those situations, I think it is more ethical and moral to break up. It might hurt a lot now, but in the long run breaking up can allow more opportunities to be happier for both. Short term pain for long term gain.

[Seraphim]

It depends on how it is done, MHowe. Believe me.

 

In the cast majority of cases, there is selfishness, self-absorption, plain cruelty and need to destroy involved.

 

Not in ALL cases I agree.

 

But that can go both ways. A dumper's desperate need to cling to someone is also cruel. What that says is I don't give a rat's bum how you feel I just want to cling to you.

[mhowe]

It depends on how it is done, MHowe. Believe me.

 

In the cast majority of cases, there is selfishness, self-absorption, plain cruelty and need to destroy involved.

 

Not in ALL cases I agree.

 

In my 2 instances where they cheated on me ---- I will give you selfishness and self absorption (obviously).

 

But honestly, they didn't cheat to be cruel to me or destroy me. "ME" wasn't their priority or focus. Their selfishness and self absorption is what drove them.

 

Cruelty (in my book) has intent. Destroying has intent.

[Hermes]

Yes, MHowe. In your case, as you describe those two people.

 

But, unfortunately, there is also intent (cruelty and destruction) in all too many cases. You don't have to take my word for it. Just a glance through any divorce court proceedings will give you an idea, (in and out of the courtroom).

So much has been written on the topic, and I think expressed by better pens than mine.

[Tinydance]

Well if you don't have feelings for that person anymore and/or have become interested in someone else, then you shouldn't stay with your partner just because they're lovely and supportive.