I must be insane, stupid or both. One year later it still hurts.

[miss_sunshine]

You know what, I realised I'm an idiot. I truly, honestly thought he would come back and apologise to me. I thought at some point he would have to apologise for how much he hurt me in order to move on with his life. I thought he was a good person, I thought he was a man with a conscience, with morals and integrity. I thought he would feel to need to apologise to the girl that was there for him for over 11 years, the one who loved him unconditionally. The one he blind sided after all that time and made so many promises to and just left like she was nothing. The one he cheated on and never looked back to see where the shattered parts of her heart landed. After all that I still believed he was a good person, that he made mistakes and that he would do the right thing in the end. Not necessarily come back, but feel the need to own up to what he did, take responsibility and feel sorry. What an idiot am I.

 

I still choose to see him at his best and I have no idea why. I still think of him hundreds of times a day, I still feel disbelief when I think of how he hurt me. Am I insane? I still can't believe that man who I thought was amazing, slept next to me every night, told me every day he loved me and I thought was my best friend ended up being this person. It scares me that I honestly never knew him, that someone who I was so close to could be so cruel. It makes me feel stupid and sad and I miss so much what we had still. I wish I didn't. Like I quote I saw "it's so hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember."

 

Just some random thoughts. It's been a year since I last saw his face but I remember it like it was yesterday.

[rich46]

You are neither insane nor stupid. 11 years together is a long time, and for it to end so cruelly, well it is going to take a while for you to recover.

 

Go easy on yourself, and take care

[Edmund Exley]

You aren't an idiot. You just let your self be blinded by the hope that someone else will behave in the way that you want them to.

 

He cheated on you. That's all you needed to know about his character to know none of the things you hoped for would ever come to be.

[Clinton]

Totally normal. When my marriage ended because of my wife's infidelity it took me about 18 months to feel really good about myself and the situation. But i still thought about her and the marriage at times after that.

 

But eventually you let it all go and move on. It just takes time, often more time than we'd like.

 

Just realise that he isn't the person you thought he was. And that only you can give yourself closure. You don't need anything from him to do that.

 

Hang in and it will slowly get better.

[lostandhurt]

Everyone above is absolutely correct.

 

His true colors are on full display now. It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't an aberration in his character...this is who he is and wants to be.

 

You have an imagined view of who you thought he was and his actions and inactions have shown that to be false. It is so hard to accept that we misjudged someone so badly and that we fell in love with someone that turned out to be so cruel.

 

But you know what? The people like us that have been betrayed and cheated on are not at fault. We opened our hearts and our lives to them and they chose to betray that with lies, cheating and total disregard for our feelings. How does that make any of us idiots or insane. It isn't idiotic or crazy to want to be in love is it?

 

Waiting for some kind of satisfaction from him or apology is like waiting for an apology from a shark for taking a bite out of a Seal. That is what the shark does and he doesn't feel anything and this is who your ex is.

 

If you are an idiot and insane then you have a lot of company...

 

Lost

[redswim30]

[quote=lostandhurt;6306843

You have an imagined view of who you thought he was and his actions and inactions have shown that to be false. It is so hard to accept that we misjudged someone so badly and that we fell in love with someone that turned out to be so cruel.

 

 

Lost

 

Yep. You are not stupid or insane. You simply made a mistake by marrying the wrong person. You loved the idea of him and who you wished he was, but you don't love the reality of who he truly is. This can be harsh, and I understand how heartbreaking it can be, because I lived through the same thing. But I am here to tell you than it can and does get better. You have to learn to let it go and understand that you are smarter now.

 

Take heart, and learn to forgive yourself. What you can't let go of is the mistake you made, but it's okay to let go. You don't need to feel bad about yourself. If nobody ever misjudged someone, there would not be so much divorce.

Please stop being so hard on yourself. It's an error many people make, but it does NOT in ANY way make you insane or stupid, it makes you human.

 

As far as he in concerned, don't waste your thoughts on him. And don't continue to love an illusion. You are allowed to hurt, just don't keep punishing yourself.

Understand that the "wake up" moment we all wish for, " He/she will realize what a jerk they were, how lucky they were to have me, how much they regret hurting me" almost never happens in reality.

I wished for that from my ex for a long time. It never came. Once I learned to let it go, and forgive myself, things got much better. You deserve LOVE!!!! It needs to come from you to yourself first.

[AmelieM]

As all the posters above have said, you're no idiot. In fact, give yourself some credit. You can hold your head high that you are a person that is capable of truly loving someone, and opening your heart to someone. And you are someone who looks for the good in people. Sure, your ex disappointed you by not coming around with an apology. But I think it is to your credit that you choose to embrace optimism rather than bitterness in this difficult time. I'm not saying to hold out hope that he will come around or anything like that. But simply to give yourself credit for having a kind and hopeful heart. You're not an idiot, you're just a gentle soul who got attached to the wrong guy.

[lilygirl]

11 years is a really long time! In the grand scheme of things, a year is not very long when it comes to mourning such a loss. Give yourself a break about your timeline, you don't need to feel badly about that on top of everything else. Take your time.

 

It is always so painful to find out that the person we loved is not who we thought they were. He can't look back at your shattered heart because he can't handle the consequences of his actions at this point. Maybe one day he will, or maybe not. What you have to remember is that these actions speak to his character, not yours, and it has nothing to do with you, that is all on him.

[Hermes]

BabyDoll: No, you are not insane or stupid. You were conned, plain and simple, from the outset.

 

You say: "It scares me that I honestly never knew him". And therein lies the heart of the matter. He doesn't know who he is himself either.

Conscience and integrity? No. In his book he hasn't done anything wrong. You were just an object. Sorry, but that is how these types are. There is a saying: "You can't take something out of an empty bag". He could not give anything out of his shattered emptiness, nor will he.

[Ms Darcy]

He cheated on you? Is this new? I don't remember that from your previous threads. Was it that he jumped into another relationship and you assumed he must have cheated?

 

It's very hard to let go of a long-term relationship.

 

But I do think the story you have on repeat in your head isn't useful to you. The more you try to vilify him for not wanting to be with you anymore, the more you will miss him. Even if he did apologize, would that really make you feel better? Because he would still walk off and be happy and you would be upset with him for disrupting your life.

[hopefulandhurt]

i think it is completely normal that it still hurts. a year really isn't much time at all in the grand scheme of things.

 

i felt really betrayed when my boyfriend of 7 years left me back in september. he told me he wanted to have some "serious alone time" and i found out shortly after that he got into a relationship with his coworker. i don't know whether or not he cheated. i had so much anger and resentment. this was a guy who was my best friend for 7 years, who repeatedly told me i was the love of his life, that we would be married, etc. and he just left me so suddenly and abruptly. i held onto so much anger for so long and i think a part of me used it to kind of keep him and thoughts of him close to me. whats helped me the most in moving on is to forgive. i know it sounds corny. but i accepted that we had some great times over the 7 years we were together, that he wasnt a horrible person, and that hating him was only hurting me. so i forgave him and it felt kind of freeing.

 

im not sure if you've tried dating yet but i met my boyfriend about 7 months after the breakup so 2 months ago now and it really gave me the last push i needed to keep my ex in the past. i think of him still but not in the same way. more just think of the memories sometimes. it sounds like you are a really strong person and are doing a great job. from talking to friends and other people who have gone through these things, it just takes a lot of time. like clinton said, way more time than we want.

 

as for your ex not reaching out and apologizing, i think he sounds like a coward. it is easier for him to just not deal with it and so he doesnt. i still feel the same about my ex. i think he tried to avoid all mention of the breakup at any cost. you'll get over this and find someone who doesnt make you feel this way. it will just take time to get there

[burningred]

You're not an idiot, thats 11 years. Im the idiot. We are on the same emotional breakdown babydoll. My ex just showed to the world his new girl. And im like being thrown back to day 1. Hurts like hell.