He just makes me keep waiting!! Torture!

[Lovelavie]

So I love my BF to death and I have done everything I could to help him. He was going through a tough time, he had just lost his car in a car crash and he wasn't making a lot of money and had a lot of bills to pay. I offered to pay part of it with the money I had and I was always there for him when he needed a ride even though he lives 40min-1 hour from me, depending on traffic.

 

He has also helped me a lot, he's a gentleman and always makes an effort to make me happy. Also we're really good friends. We have a lot of chemistry, we have fun together, we make up fun stuff for us to do. I wouldn't say it's the perfect relationship because everything has its ups and downs.

 

Giving a little more history about us, he likes being a relationship, but he wanted the "right" person, and he said he found me. I also ended up falling for him too, and been together even since. However, we have our disagreements, most of them because he makes these jokes about women. He makes it up, like he's going to the mall and all these girls are gonna hit on him and jokes like that. They're not true, obviously, but it's an immature thing to say and it doesn't add anything to our relationship. I've told him several times how unhappy I was with theses jokes and he said he was never like that and he just did that because he thought it was funny to see me mad. I'm not exactly jealous about it of course, but it bothers me that he takes the time to piss me off instead of doing things for us and to please me.

 

Well anyway, that is basically the only thing we argue about, which happens very often because he's always doing it, however I have never considered breaking up with him because of it. Also I can be a nag sometimes, but I try to put myself together and be nice as possible 90% of the time (no one is perfect right). So to me, he's a great guy, we spend a lot of time together, we laugh, we share our moments etc...

 

Getting to the point here: this week we went to a bar, I got REALLY drunk and I had to wake up early the next day for class. His friend was there to and we were chatting and laughing. Around 9 p.m. I told him I wanted to leave, he asked me to wait, I waited for an hour and asked again. He once again asked for me to wait (at this point, the three of us were really drunk so I don't judge him for not leaving but it upset me). At 11 p.m. I got up, left the bar and went to my car and waited for him to come. After he came I started fighting with him, yelling and to be true I don't even remember much. I KNOW I messed up, but who never did anything wrong while drunk? I didn't cheat on him or anything. We went to his house, I cried like crazy, told him I was really sorry I never meant to hurt him but he was really mad and he just kissed me and was kind of sweet so I would sleep. The next day he was completely cold towards me, I apologized once again and asked him if I had done anything else, because I didn't remember. He said I was disrespectful for yelling at him and stuff but I told him I was out of myself and it wasn't me, and he KNOWS it. I'm NOT that kind of person. Anyway, I told him if he didn't want to be with me anymore I would understand and he said he wasn't going to break up with me.

 

I went to my house and later that day, at night, he sent me text saying he was thinking. Thinking that we shouldn't be together, that I'm not "good" for him, that we should be friends, that he is attracted to me but all we do is fight. (BS!) I'm a very anxious person so I started getting really upset and I told him we could work it out, that I made a mistake but it won't happen again, that we have fun together and that it's obvious that we like each other. But he didn't want to talk, he asked for us to meet up on Friday (tomorrow) to talk. But he's been giving me the cold shoulder since Tuesday! Do you really think it's right to let your GF suffer for 3 days straight, when you used to talk everyday, and some times see each other during the week, instead of coming to my house during the week so we can talk about it as soon as possible? Also, he sometimes reads my messages and doesn't answer, or doesn't answer my calls, or just answers after a long time and says he doesn't want to talk.

 

Honestly I'm dying here, it's been 3 days and we barely talked and I started almost all the convos. I've told him I''m suffering, I've told him I'm really upset, but he's just so cold towards me, not the guy I knew and shared part of my life with 3 days ago! I know I messed up, I know But everyone does, and I didn't cheat on him or anything, I'm loyal, I'm a good friend, I'm faithful, I'm not a bad person. Now he keeps me waiting until Friday night so we can talk and it's just so unfair, I just wanted some advice.

[jayb309]

Trying to convince him why he should come to you, listen to you, understand your pain and pleading to talk sooner than he wants - just pushes him further away. It reinforces that he's better off without you because you appear needy and desperate, like you haven't heard anything he's tried to communicate or respected the space he's asked for. Needy and desperate, constant contact attempts, begging and bargaining are traits that will kill any attraction any man may have for you.

 

Men also tend to place higher value on things they have had to work for. It sucks and it hurts like hell, but maybe you should stop initiating all the calls/texts/conversations and give each other space. I know you don't WANT the space - but give him the chance to miss you. Let him go a few days without you, let him miss you, let him realise you really are the one for him. Don't be afraid that if you don't contact him, he'll think you're no longer interested in fixing the relationship and leave you. Quite the opposite.

 

I'm in a very similar situation. Last week, my 'on/off' partner of around 5 years told me he too wanted space and that he didn't know if he really wanted to be with me, after a year of being together smoothly, with little to no arguments or bad times and no 'offs.'

 

I text the next day saying I appreciate his need for space, that I understand and thanked him for being honest with me. Then I immediately shut down. I didn't call, text, email, nothing, I was a ghost to him! I was a ghost on social media too, I abandoned my Facebook and didn't update or post a single thing. I didn't want to give him a way of checking in on me with having to actually speak to me.

After 6 days of this, today, he text me. I didn't reply. He called, I didn't answer. He called and texted all day! I'm fairly certain he will try again tomorrow morning (I'm in the UK so it's night time as I type this, therefore his calls have stalled for now) but maybe I will reply if he does. Or maybe not! I honestly don't know. The choice is mine to make this time.

 

I'm no relationship expert, these are merely my own lessons that I've learnt from my own previous relationships and it's just bits of advice that I've picked up from many a helpful male friend over the years. But I really hope it works out for you. Good luck! x

[mhowe]

You insult him, tell him you can do better...and now think he should be worried about how you feel?

 

Being drunk is the worst excuse ever. Saying "I didn't cheat on him" doesn't erase the cruel things you said. I think you should prepare yourself for some bad news tomorrow.

[Helpexpressme]

Look if i were you i'd be angry with him for making you "wait" all the time. You are not a pet. You are his g/friend. You should think about all the times you have had to wait, and think about whether or not YOU should let him go.

[HeartGoesOn]

Does he still owe you money?

[leseine7]

You guys had a fight.

 

Yes you should not have been so drunk you can hardly remember it and it led to hysterics, but I do think that him being cold and potentially dumping you is him taking advantage of your vulnerability so he can have full control/power and force you never to misbehave again. You clearly already apologized. If he wants to break up, he needs to just do it - not leave you hanging.

 

Neither of you have acted maturely here, but I do agree with the above poster saying you should give HIM space and not reach out. Relationships are not power plays. You guys aren't communicating and that's his choice. I also dislike that he made you wait to leave when you were trying to the other night, although you probably could have gotten a ride another way?

 

Either way, for now, take the time HE's taking and evaluate if you want this relationship as well. Clearly something involved is causing you to lash out/ lose control a bit in these fights as well - for me, that's always been an indicator that something deeper was wrong.

[abitbroken]

Ok, if I were you and my bf was joking about the hotties at the mall - I would say "have a good time. But if you see Hugh Jackman (or whomever your celebrity crush is), tell him that you are not home, so he can come pick me up." And smile. I bet stuff like that would turn it all around and he would either stop it because it no longer gets under your skin, or you would learn to joke, too. "i don't think there are any hot girls at the mall. Because I am not there". "oh, right, he's married. But you have a girlfriend, right. Sorry hotties"

 

And who goes out drinking the night before they have to get up early?? It was not up to him to leave early to accommodate you, it was up to you to stay home, or ask to go somewhere that didn't lend to drinking for hours - like the ice cream place or a regular restaurant. Yeah, he shouldn't have had you wait so long, but did you tell him what time you needed to leave before you even went?

 

I do think you expect more out of him because you tripped over yourself to be needed in the beginning - drive him somewhere when he lives 45 minutes away from you, help him get a car - instead of giving him the initial space to figure it out himself and let him catch up with you when he is ready.

 

If this guy isn't the guy for you, that's fine. But if you are arguing about the same thing all the time - you need to work on that one thing - sometimes when you react differently to someone it throws them off their game. There are no more players in the game, etc. You can only control yourself. So be more responsible, don't play two to tango and if he is not treating you like you want - leave.

[Lovelavie]

Actually I didn't lend him money in the end. He fixed it by himself. I admire him for being so hardworking and at the end of the day he can pull it off and with my help we create awesome ideas.

 

I felt like it was unfair for him to act like this because when you care about someone, you don't want to see them hurt for so long. I told him relationships are hard work and leaving because one made a mistake will end you with a gazillion worthless relationships. I know I was wrong, I know I shouldn't have gone drinking the night before waking up early, I know I got too drunk, I know all that. But people make mistakes and I have apologized a ton of times and made it clear that will never happen again, not just because of him but because I don't ever want to act like this with anyone, especially with the guy I love.

 

I also told him that if this is a reason for breaking up, then a bunch of couples who have been together for years would have broken up. I have seen couples go through so much worse and they stuck together because love was bigger than that. And I know he loves me and I love him, but I just want him to realize it takes work. Yeah ok, we have things to work out. Yeah, we have our differences. But we clearly care deeply about each other and we don't even have to make an effort to show it.

 

I talked to a friend today and she said exactly what blh3009 said. I don't have to show him WHY he should be with me, he should see it for himself. However, I do feel the need to tell him that we should put everything behind and start over. I feel like he's a great guy and I truly believe we can be very happy together. When I was with my ex, and he screwed up, I broke up with him because I knew it wasn't worth it, and I have no regrets to this day. In fact, while I was with him I KNEW we had no future, but with my actual BF I can see things going a long way here. My ex never cared about me, and my BF on the contrary has done so much.

 

I'm really really hoping I can turn things around and put the past behind and start a new life with him, much calmer and with less conflicts. And like abitbroken said, I'll try to turn the jokes around, but it takes a lot creativity because he does it all day long! LOL. Seriously, one time I counted he made like 5 jokes in 10 minutes, I was baffled. But besides that, I just have to stay away from drinking heavily because I know that I can get angry when I'm really drunk and he has to stop the jokes. Sounds so simple and he's being such a drama queen.

[abitbroken]

and at the end of the day he can pull it off and with my help we create awesome ideas.

 

However, I do feel the need to tell him that we should put everything behind and start over.

 

I told him relationships are hard work and leaving because one made a mistake will end you with a gazillion worthless relationships

 

No, the day to day part of relationships should NOT be hard work. The day to day having fun and basic communication should be effortless. The work you put into it is building a life together figuring out how to juggle eachothers families, working towards a particular direction and goal etc. If you are doing "hard work" to stop fighting about "little things that don't matter" than that means you are not compatible.

 

So basically "put up with my garbage/or the garbage we make together because I am the best you can get" is what you are saying. Nope, you didn't make "a" mistake. Relationships break up not just because of something that happened one day, but all the little things over time and then something happens to break the camels back. You said you had no regret with breaking it off with your ex because you knew you had no future - what if this guy feels that way about you?

 

If he doesn't see on his own that your relationship is worth fixing instead of leaving - then he doesn't think it is.

[abitbroken]

I know I got too drunk, I know all that. But people make mistakes and I have apologized a ton of times and made it clear that will never happen again, not just because of him but because I don't ever want to act like this with anyone, especially with the guy I love.

 

At certain age, we should be self regulating. Sometimes its not a matter of apologizing - the fact that it even happened for some people is too much. But like i say, if the breakup is about this - then it was the straw that broke the camel's back and its about other things. If someone had to get up early and then came to the bar and got really, really drunk instead - I would question their maturity and responsibility level. You can't pin it on his fault for not being ready to leave.

 

However, I do feel the need to tell him that we should put everything behind and start over.

 

In fact, while I was with him I KNEW we had no future, but with my actual BF I can see things going a long way here. My ex never cared about me, and my BF on the contrary has done so much.

 

Just because he has done so much for you doesn't mean he feels you are the one. And things cannot always be unseen. you have to demonstrate how things like this will not happen again - you need to prove that class or work comes first as far as considering nights out the night before, you need to go to AA if getting 'really drunk" is a problem for you.

 

LOL. Seriously, one time I counted he made like 5 jokes in 10 minutes, I was baffled. But besides that, I just have to stay away from drinking heavily because I know that I can get angry when I'm really drunk and he has to stop the jokes. Sounds so simple and he's being such a drama queen.

 

Maybe he feels you don't click because he is rapid fire with the jokes and you are constantly lost /can't tell when he is joking, etc. Maybe he feels mentally you don't match and based on the last outburst chooses to seek someone who 'gets" him.

 

Okay - you "can get angry when you are really drunk" - so - you already knew you get angry when you get drunk - so perhaps drinking is one of your problems. If he jokes all the time - its not his joking that made you angry - its the fact you were drunk.

[lerenard]

I think if he can`t take one drunk fight with you - he is not the one to go through life with you, with all its struggles and pains. You asked him to leave two times - he ignored it and asked you to wait instead, I would get pissed off to, to be honest. If he cared enough and knew you well enough he would never think that what you said to him in the car was your true opinion.

It doesn't matter how well you get along, if there is at least ONE thing that clashes - it will be a constant struggle. And by his reaction on this one fight I can tell you that he probably has his own issues if he was ready to dump you so fast.

Agree with abitbroken about the joke thing.

[j.man]

At 11 p.m. I got up, left the bar and went to my car and waited for him to come.

So am I the only one missing this part? Were you planning on driving from he beginning, despite being admittedly drunk? Is it possible the reason he was insisting you wait is so that one or both of you could sober up?

 

If that is the case, it would be enough to turn me off. Don't get me wrong, we've all babysat someone who's super blitzed, but if it's my girlfriend and I'm getting verbally abused on top of it, I'd have to stop and think for awhile too, even if she was drunk.

[Lovelavie]

Actually he was driving but we were in my car and that was the only way we could get home. So I just went to my car and sat there and waited for him. When I say I was drunk, I was REALLY drunk. To the point where I barely remember the stuff the happened, just flashes. I like to drink every once in a while, but I hate getting so drunk to the point where I feel like I have no control over my actions. When I was single, I went this club and got really drunk but I still don't know if someone put something in my drink or if the booze was just of bad quality. If it weren't for my friend I would have ended up at a motel with this guy I didn't even know simply because I could not control my actions or even have consciousness of what I was doing.

 

So what I'm trying to say is, I didn't have any intentions to get that drunk, it just happened, but 99% of the time I drink I control myself to get drunk enough just to have a good time. But this time it didn't happen. But it was ONE time, why do I need all this judgment and hate you know? That's what I don't get... We all make mistakes and when we went to bed that day I cried and apologized saying I never meant to hurt him. Also, he has also gotten really drunk once and started going at full speed with his car with me inside, putting our lives at risk and I forgave him and told him that would be the last time.

[reinventmyself]

""I went to my house and later that day, at night, he sent me text saying he was thinking. Thinking that we shouldn't be together, that I'm not "good" for him, that we should be friends, that he is attracted to me but all we do is fight. (BS!) I'm a very anxious person so I started getting really upset and I told him we could work it out, that I made a mistake but it won't happen again, that we have fun together and that it's obvious that we like each other. But he didn't want to talk, he asked for us to meet up on Friday (tomorrow) to talk. But he's been giving me the cold shoulder since Tuesday! Do you really think it's right to let your GF suffer for 3 days straight, when you used to talk everyday, and some times see each other during the week, instead of coming to my house during the week so we can talk about it as soon as possible? Also, he sometimes reads my messages and doesn't answer, or doesn't answer my calls, or just answers after a long time and says he doesn't want to talk.""

 

By the looks of it you two are broken up. He stated so. .but has agreed to meet you and speak on Friday. In the meantime you are upset because he isn't behaving as a boyfriend should or how he once did. But things have changed so you need to expect him to act differently.

I am withholding judgment on who's right and who's wrong here. I see how you both made mistakes. .But having said that, he ended it so the rules have changed.

I would advise you to back off and allow him the space I think he's asked for indirectly and compose yourself.

As hard as it is (and I know because I am going through something similar) this moment calls for you to act with some dignity and self control.

If the core of his complaint is that you lose your composure then maybe you should take a step back and check your behavior now.

I think you had every right to be angry at being put off over and over when you had requested to leave. You are entitled to feel the way you do but how you chose to handle the situation I think is the key here.

You keep referring to this `one' mistake. Relationships failure is rarely over one incident but more likely an accumulation of several.

This may not be a total loss. . But you need to get a hold of yourself.

[Lovelavie]

I know, I am trying to. It's just so hard because sometimes I feel like this never even happened and we're ok. I used to call him during the day to tell him something that happened and so did he, and it's just automatic to grab my phone and feel the need to call him because we were such good friends. I'm so anxious for today, I'm going to see him and it just hasn't made sense to me that we might not be together anymore. It doesn't feel like it, you know? I'm always so cheerful and happy, I always have a positive attitude and now it feels like I have to tone it down ..

[reinventmyself]

I know, I am trying to. It's just so hard because sometimes I feel like this never even happened and we're ok. I used to call him during the day to tell him something that happened and so did he, and it's just automatic to grab my phone and feel the need to call him because we were such good friends. I'm so anxious for today, I'm going to see him and it just hasn't made sense to me that we might not be together anymore. It doesn't feel like it, you know? I'm always so cheerful and happy, I always have a positive attitude and now it feels like I have to tone it down ..

 

 

That's a good start. . and just prepare yourself.

 

Guys don't like drama. . Not to say you shouldn't be able to speak your mind and hold your own.

But when go after someone with high intensity it's very likely you won't be heard at all

You need to practice checking yourself and maybe taking a time out so you can compose yourself and speak in respectful manner.

Chances are much greater you will be heard.

Good luck tonight. .let us know how it goes.

[Lovelavie]

Yeah, I'm not thinking about going for the "I'm so desperate please stay with me" attitude. I have acted like that in past relationships and it never worked. Thank you for the advice reinventmyself, I'm definitively gonna try do to what you said

[mhowe]

I know, I am trying to. It's just so hard because sometimes I feel like this never even happened and we're ok. I used to call him during the day to tell him something that happened and so did he, and it's just automatic to grab my phone and feel the need to call him because we were such good friends. I'm so anxious for today, I'm going to see him and it just hasn't made sense to me that we might not be together anymore. It doesn't feel like it, you know? I'm always so cheerful and happy, I always have a positive attitude and now it feels like I have to tone it down ..

 

It wasn't ok before this....he said all you guys do is fight.

[Lovelavie]

I have explained why we fight a lot. It's about those jokes he made. Besides that, I have no complaints about him at all. Of course, every once in a while he pisses me off with something and so do I, but we have a pretty nice routine. We talk and call each other during the week and we spend the weekends together. We had a lot of issues in the beginning I'll admit. I had a problem with his attitude towards women and he was insecure towards me thinking I would cheat on him, but that's resolved since we know we both want each other and are exclusive to each other.

 

All I'm saying is, he lightens up my day, he makes me laugh, we have amazing chemistry, he even said it himself. I just think he's so attached to the negatives instead of looking to all the wonderful things we do and make together. It just doesn't seem real. We had plans for the next weekend, we had plans for the holidays, we were even looking into this trip we wanted to go to. And most of them were made by him, he would come up with all these ideas for us to do... I understand he's hurt and upset, but is it really worth throwing away a relationship?

[Helpexpressme]

People do change, but continue on with the relationship when they know they should be getting out of it. Maybe he's been feeling for awhile this isn't working EVEN while he was having fun/sex/and doing all those things with you. Maybe the fight just reinforced it for him. This is where people suddenly go "we were so happy, I just didn't see this coming" when really it was there all along.