Help! My husband is constantly upset with me

[mamamia77770]

It seems like every week my husband gets irritated with me and stops talking with me. I've gotten so upset about it, that I've started seeing a counselor. He won't see the counselor with me, but based on what she's been telling me, I've been trying to communicate love to him in his love language. He feels like our biggest problem is me picking up after myself, which I don't see because I do keep a pretty clean house. We have two children and it can be hard to keep things "perfect". The counselor thinks that he has anxiety, and that when he sees "messes" his anxiety makes it worse. It doesn't help that we have a pursuer-withdrawer relationship dynamic. He'll get moody and make things tense between us, and I'll get worried and try to withdraw him out of it. One day he'll decide to start speaking to me normally again and it all gets swept under the rug.

 

The counselor told me that it would help for me to speak his love language, so I've been working hard to make things as clean and as organized as possible. The other day I cleaned something up really nice, and it started, he wouldn't speak to me. Since the counselor knows our relationship dynamic she told me NOT to pursue him when he withdraws, go about life as normal. After two days, I failed. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I told him that we needed to talk. I told him how it hurts my feelings when he's always on me about things (his favorite criticism is that I don't load the dishwasher correctly, and I must have something wrong with me because I can't figure it out). He got really mad and told me to "save it for my counselor". During our argument he said that he was mad because he's been telling me our "whole marriage" to clean up, and suddenly when a counselor tells me to, I actually do it! I told him that I was upset that he was constantly on me about everything, including the dishwasher, and he told me that I should be able to figure it out. I was upset and asked him how he would feel if someone was constantly critical of everything he did, and told him that he was failing all the time...I said it wouldn't make him want to "do better". He said that if he was with someone who was contributing as much as he was, he would certainly try! He was speaking to me disrespectfully, so I told him he needed to leave, and he couldn't speak to me that way. For some reason he thinks I think I'm allowed to...but I never mimic him, or call him names...I only force the conversation to happen, which he hates. I think there is something bigger going on. He is critical of everything and not happy. He said so recently that he's not happy. He complains pretty consistently about everything. I told him that he does this last night.

 

He ended up leaving for a few hours, and came back and went into the other room. I of course fell into old habits and tried to withdraw him out, which he resisted. He said goodbye to me this morning, but it was very tense, and "tight". Now I'm not sure what to do. I think he's angry because I asked him to leave, and is still pulling away. I'm trying to stand up for myself, but I still love my husband and want to be with him. He hasn't always acted like this. He would get quiet, but now it's happening more and more, and is coupled with the cutting remarks. I just want it to stop! I asked him if he would go to counseling and he said no.

[Seraphim]

Maybe a trial separation would be helpful. Unfortunately you can't make him cooperate with you. But if he's constantly critical of you this is not good for your self-esteem ,not good for your relationship and not good for your children to witness. Keep going to your own counselor. But if he's the kind of person that withdraws during an argument you really have to stop chasing him for answers. That will only make him dig his heels in that much harder and build incredible resentment. At the same time I understand your need for answers I'm one of those people that needs answers. But you guys may need to negotiate a trial separation.

[Unreasonable]

Why won't he go? I think it's kind of BS that he's allowed to go into "retreat mode" when there's problems but doesn't think he needs to do anything to help fix the relationship himself. This seems like an avoidance behavior and I honestly think that's strange advice to be giving. But hey, I'm not a professional.

[Seraphim]

And conflict avoidance is very common for people with anxiety. My husband used to have really severe conflict avoidance. And he was like that because of his very severe anxiety. After 10 years of on and off counseling and medication is pretty much anxiety free and usually has no problems with communication . But nobody really knows if your husband has anxiety or not unless he goes to his own counselor.

 

Also to remember that we learn how to communicate with our spouse by watching our parents. So it is possible he learned that way of communicating by watching his parents marriage. And it could be something that your children are now learning.

[MisUnderstood9]

Im sorry but are his arms broken?? If he doesnt think you "clean to his standards", I'd be telling him to go do it his damn self then - I do it all the time to my fiance. I dont care if he makes more than I do and contributes more income into our household... if he cant see that I make a damn effort to clean even after working and taking care of my son -- Go clean it your damn self! Im not your maid!

 

You aren't really sticking up for yourself. You are actually kind of enabling his behaviour by basically giving him attention when he is "sulking". STOP IT. Leave him be, let him sulk. Good for you for asking him to leave when he spoke to you like that, let him be mad that you asked him to leave - he was being a d**k.

 

I kinda of agree with Victoria on this -- maybe next time instead of running to him to try and "fix" it, just tell him youre leaving. Youre done being disrespected and unappreciated by him and you and this kids will be at your moms or sisters or whatever until he can treat you like an human being.

[Willywagtail]

I think that your counsellor is on the wrong track. Instead of trying to placate him by speaking his 'love language', my sense is that you should be learning to love yourself and stand up for yourself.

 

In reality, what your husband is doing, and you did say it's only recent, is being emotionally abusive. He's disrespectful of your attempts to please him, he turns everything round so that it's your fault, and he refuses to compromise or work to clear the tension between you.

 

You say that you think something deeper is going on with him. Trust that feeling. Your counsellor doesn't really know you or your husband, and they may well be wrong about what the dynamic between you and him is.

 

I would be suggesting to your husband that HE moves out for a while. Why should you be the one to move?? Tell him that you care about him very much, but that until he's prepared to open up about what's really wrong - with him - and to go to counselling, you need a break from the nitpicking and harassment.

 

Good grief. He needs a reality check if the stacking of the dishwasher is so important to him! As another poster so wisely said - why doesn't he do it himself??

[Ronniesgirl]

What your husband is doing is completely out of order. First, if he's not happy with something you do or do not do giving you silent treatment for two days is definitely not the way to deal with it. It's insulting, demeaning, disrespectful and borderline abusive.

 

Second, if he is a clean freak who likes things to be done in a certain way within the household he should do it himself, just like he wants it done. I am one of those people, I'm afraid to say. I like things to be spotless 100% of time, and done a certain way. That's why I do 90% of the housework. And make a detailed list for my partner if I want his help with some things because I can't expect him to be like me - he's not fussed about cleanliness and order, he can't just look around a flat and think: 'Right, this, this, this, and this needs to be done'. He simply doesn't notice things which to me are glaringly obvious. And if he for some reason hasn't done some household chore that is important to me I say nothing and do it myself. Problem solved.

[Hollyj]

I think that's a bunch of crap! Get a new counselor.

 

He sounds very passive aggressive and disrespectful. You should not have to cater to his ways to handle things. He refuses to get any help.

 

It sounds like you need to separate, as he does not sound like he is interested in resolving your issues, and has checked out o the marriage.

 

And stop chasing after him when he's acting like this. It must feel demoralizing!

[mamamia77770]

Thank you for all of the replies. I'm so sad....I asked him what he was going to do to help our marriage, and he said "nothing". So I'm not even sure he wants to make things better. He had a horrible childhood that I don't think that he's ever resolved, but I also don't deserve to be his emotional punching bag. I know on his end, he feels like he does everything....he fixes everything in our house and does all of the yard work.

 

He wants me to come up with things for us to do every weekend, because he feels like "he always does", but in truth, if I try to suggest something he doesn't really want to do it. Too many people, too far away...doesn't sound fun. You name it. He wants to control what we do, but is mad that I'm not helping. Same with yard work. I'll offer to help him in the yard, but he says it would help if I just stay out of his way. Then later he gets to complain that I don't help. He feels like he's sacrificing living the way he wants to...in a clean house to deal with us and our "messiness". I work half to full time at home, and take care of a baby and elementary age child. I'm really trying my best but he's just looking for ways that I'm not measuring up. If I just cleaned better...if I was just more organized. I got mad and asked him a few weeks ago what the problem was, why he was always mad at me? He yelled back and said I just wish you would do "something" "anything". You're just "there"!! Holidays are super stressful because he wants an itinerary of what we are going to do the whole day and if I don't plan it out well enough it's another silence, or lucky for me last easter I got yelled at because holidays are always horrible because I can't help him think of anything to do. Last 4th of July I suggested that we go to the town parade, then because it's unbearably hot during the day, we just relax and do whatever we want, then go see the town fireworks at night. Apparently that was a horrible idea because he wouldn't speak to me at the parade, and got mad that on his day off he had nothing to do, and he might as well just be at work since I made the holiday so boring. I would have suggested that we BBQ with friends, but he gets anti social and doesn't want to do things with people. Too many people over...."We're boring" so why would anyone want to hang out with us, planning food....it's very overwhelming.

 

He said he just wants me to come up with what we're doing and he'll just tag along, since that is what I do all the time in his mind. In reality, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and let him come up with the ideas so everyone stays happy. It's not working.

[Hollyj]

That's ridiculous.

 

The marriage is one-sided. he said he will do nothing. How do you move forward with this??? This sounds miserable! You can't win with this guy!!!

 

What you have been doing is not working, he is not a partner, nor does he want to be. I highly suggest that you separate, as he needs to recognize that a marriage takes two. You can only reconcile if he is willing to get counseling and change his behaviors, otherwise you cannot continue with the marriage.

 

This is not good for you, and especially not the kids - they pick up on it. It's time to be proactive, or things will get worse. Stop talking and placating him! Do something!

[annie24]

Wow, this guy sounds like an ass. It almost sounds like you would have a reduced workload if you were a single mother. and yes, what is he doing to help keep the house clean? Is he cleaning? Is he hiring a cleaner?? Maybe time for that trial separation. I wouldn't want to be with someone who's always angry at me.

[Dcgent]

I think it would be in his best interest to attend counseling, but I would recommend that you both go to counseling together with a different counselor than the one you are currently visiting. You need to have a non-bias third party involved.

 

Since we are only hearing your side of the story, I will withhold from further advice, other than seeking a independent 3rd party counselor for couples. Although I do want to make one note. In the past I was in a long term relationship, in which my girlfriend lived with me. She wanted to go to counseling to sort out some issues we were having. I was hesitant, essentially because I knew the relationship was already far from resuscitation, although I eventually agreed because like her, I was clinging to hope and the time I invested in the relationship thus far. One major issue in our relationship, amongst others, was that we had different understandings of cleanliness and organization. Yet in counseling, the story was that she was doing the best she could do, to keep a tidy house. I won't get into details, but in the end, we just had polar opposites of what we considered cleanliness. I am not a neat freak, but with pets in the house it needs constant attention and clothes/dishes don't need to spends nights upon nights placed around the house... The disorder drove me nuts and constantly made me feel like I was on the verge of a melt down... I would watch the show Hoarders and feel like I could relate to the pain experience by loved ones of hoarders.... At any rate, the relationship ended and all that anxiety was gone. I am now in a much healthier relationship/engagement and found a partner with very similar qualities and outlook on life. In the end, my ex and I just were not compatible on many levels. It could very well be that you both just aren't compatible....you aren't bad people or evil...you just are not compatible...

 

One final note, I was also in one other long term relationship where my ex would do the silent treatment much like your husband. that was terrible...horrible and cruel. Quite frankly immature and I would never ever put up with someone that acted like that again. It is ultimately emotional abuse...

[Seraphim]

Having a terrible childhood is not an excuse . It is an explanation but definitely not an excuse . Many of us have had terrible childhoods and do not abuse our partner.

[MisUnderstood9]

This is my advice on this entire situation... personally I dont put up with crap like that and I am honestly shocked that you are.

 

STOP ENABLING HIM. Make your arrangements and plans -- if he wants to say they are boring or this that and the other thing... tell him he doesnt have to come or participate but you and the kids are going to go and do what you want without him. If what you plan and do is not good enough for him -- start acting like he just doesnt exist and go have fun and spend time with your children, family and friends. If he complains, "well the kids I had a great time today, you could of joined if you didnt want to be a d**k so not my fault you had no fun today".

 

Having a crappy childhood is no excuse for being an a** to not only your wife but, also to the kids. I would be asking him to move out for a while -- he feels like he cant have the life he wants... bye bye, see you later then buddy. Life is to short to deal with the negativity and emotional abuse from someone else. You go have your life with the kids and let him figure out his own agenda.

[Hollyj]

I'm curious what you love about this guy. He treats you like crap and is emotionally abusive. What do you get from this marriage?

[mamamia77770]

He goes back and forth on his moods. I just had my baby a few months ago, he was very supportive during labor and attentive. After she came home he stayed home for a week to help me with her...he would bring me things I needed and was very caring. One morning he got up with the baby in the early morning for me, and when I woke up he wasn't speaking to me. I still don't know what upset him. He will be happy and jovial and joke around then turn into this other person. In our early marriage, the caring funny happy guy was around more. Now it seems like I get the irritable and critical guy more often than not. When we were arguing last night he asked me that....why are you with me if you don't like how you're feeling. I told him that I knew this wasn't how he was deep down. He said "yes this is me, this is how I am". I don't know if he was just mad, or if he's turning into his father. He used to be the one that always said you can choose your mood, and he would be fun and loving. Now it's turned to bitterness and anger. I don't know why it's so hard for me to put a stop to it. For some reason I always end up thinking that he's right and I'm not living up to the standard. Looking back at all of the recent "digs" and put downs I don't know why I put up with it. It's sickening.

[Hollyj]

If HE is telling you who he is, then YOU need to listen!!!!!!

 

He is not going to change! It will get worse!

 

Take action for your children. Stop making excuses and living in the past!!!

[MisUnderstood9]

that's emotional abuse. Im sorry it is. You need to put a stop to it because it starting to do what it is ment to do and thats break you down to believe what he tells you are is the truth (ex. you believing you are not living up to his standards and you need to try harder).

 

I think for the sake of your children and your sanity, you need to ask him for a temporary seperation and for him to move out because the way he is treating you is completely unbarable and you need a break. If he protests, you are allowed to leave yourself and maybe go stay with your parents temporarily until he agrees to go to some type of councelling -- whether it be individual or marriage councelling.

[mamamia77770]

Thank you so much for your comments and suggestions. I've got to put a stop to it. He needs to get help for himself. I can't help him, and it's up to me to protect my children from feeling bad about themselves. Thanks again for all of your support.

[abitbroken]

"cleaning up the house" is not a love language. Has your therapist even read the book? Its just something he is holding above your head. I am surprised that if he was so upset by messes, the therapist didn't say that well, if he doesn't want messes, then he has to pitch in. If you do clean up, he will move on to something else that isn't right. he is passive aggressive with you as well and that's not about love languages.

 

If he was generally communicative, but felt like he wasn't connecting or he felt neglected, and you both couldn't figure out why - then maybe love languages would help, or you BOTH were on the same page with wanting things to get better. Love languages are not about a specific activity, the are physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gift giving (doesn't have to be financial) etc.

[abitbroken]

unfortunately, your therapist can only talk about your issues and is limited on the marriage because they can only see one side and waht you are presented and if you are not fully presenting it truthfully, but coaching it with "i am a little messy" and making excuses for him or painting him to be someone more responsive than he is, then it doesn't help. The therapist needs to encourage you to make growth changes with yourself. Figuring out the magical one thing that will make your guy change is not going to happen

[mamamia77770]

Yeah I know what you mean. I'm pretty certain that his language is Acts of Service, but even when I do nice things for "service" he doesn't notice, or if I offer to help it gets rejected. Mine is words of affirmation, and I can tell you I'm not getting anything back there. He does help clean up, but you're right...if it's not that it's another thing he's upset about.

[Realitynut]

I'm reading the book, Uncoupling, since my breakup....and when i read your OP, i thought, boy that sounds like something straight out of that book.

 

They're unhappy and want out...so they turn it around on you...so YOU'RE the bad guy. How the hell can you be just 'there'...and you have a new baby to take care of??? Crap...that's a full time job!

 

He's a miserable human being.....and he wants you to be as miserable as him.

 

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Yes, I know all about the love languages. Your counselor is trying to put a band-aide over a gaping HOLE that needs surgery!

 

Love languages are for two people who love each other....and want to love each other better...and understand...etc. etc.

 

Your husband is none of the above. sucks.

[zebragirl]

Go over to link removed he sounds like ha has OCPD. It's not the same as ocd. Mine has it, undiagnosed. But there is an online test called the cammer test on that site. I took the for my husband. Later i asked him to humor me and take the test and just asked him the questions and scored it. He got a higher score than when I took it for him. Ocpd people tend to be Abusive. They want things done their way and have a mindset that is strict and they think they are always right.

[Snny]

You should never try to self-diagnose yourself or anyone for a disability. It's very important to seek a certified, reputable therapist for a diagnosis of a disability. I reviewed the OCPD website and it's a support group created by families- not by medical experts or a nonpofit organization that dedicates research funding toward OCPD, similar to Autism Speaks. Hell, I could easily create a free message board like those people did, make up a bunch of facts and have anyone believe whatever I write. Therefore, Online tests/surveys can be created by anyone and are not valid assessments to identify a disorder.

 

Either way the issue is that her husband is refusing to seek help for his behavior. HE doesn't see there is a problem and is continuing to misplace his anger/frustration/aggression on the OP. He is receiving zero consequences and his behavior will persist as long as the OP stays with him. Unfortunately he needs to learn how to treat his loved ones better and/or get some professional help, or face the repercussions for his actions.